Here's Why BMW V8 Engines Are JUNK! Cheapest Alpina B7 Teardown

So this, this little seal in my hand is the reason why BMW V8s are complete junk. Welcome to Hoovy's Garage, the dumbest automotive channel in all of YouTube, and I am playing nurse again to another mechanic doctor, but that doesn't sound right. I'm helping another mechanic work on another one of my terminally broken cars. This one is my 2007 BMW Alpina B7, and if you're familiar with BMWs at all, you know they break a lot, but these love to break really bad. A really common issue with the BMW V8s are the valve seals. They will fail and they will allow oil into the combustion chamber, and that's exactly what this engine is doing. It smokes, it's like a mosquito sprayer, it's a giant expensive fog machine, but it really wasn't that expensive. This car only cost me $3,500, but I'm going to exceed that greatly in repairs, but hopefully at the end of this it's going to be worth it, because look at it. It's an Alpina B7. This thing was over $100,000 new, and I bought it for only $3,500. But today we are going to take the engine out of this Alpina B7 and tear it down so we can see what's causing the issue, the valve seals themselves. That's a lot of work, which usually you couldn't get done in a day, but we have the car ninja. Hello. And the car ninja, how many of these have you done? I lost count. Maybe 50? Probably. More than that. And so the book time on something like this is how long? What does it pay? Between 40 to 50 hours. 40 to 50 hours, but when you do it that many times you can beat it by how much you pay. Half. Half? Yeah. And you have this here, which is a fascinating apparatus here. It's a robot table with arms, and basically what this does is it helps you remove the engine. I'm not sure how it works. I've seen you use it once. We'll see it in action. It goes like six feet in the air. It's an amazing tool. So how long will it take you to have the engine out? Probably a couple hours, if that. That's it? That's it. Really? Okay, so what's the plan of attack? Are we starting from the top or the bottom? Yeah, we start from the top. Do the harnesses, coolant hoses, recover freon. Does it drop with this guy on there? Doesn't look like it. It doesn't look like it, no. But it's really easy to come out. Well, put me to work. You ready? Yeah. Okay, let's do it. Out comes the snail. Goodbye, extra 150 horsepower. It's oily in there. It's so heavy, too. Is that supposed to be in there? Not that much. Look at the impeller inside. It's huge. Look at that. Oh, wow. Yeah. Well, now that that's gone, we can get more stuff out of the way. Oh, that's nasty. Yeah. The whole underside of this thing is just gross. But you're going to do some other seals while you're there, right? Yeah. There's a seal like we did on the 760 on the side of the alternator. Exhaust comes down. This pipe comes down. And then we're going to get the table out? Yeah. This heat shield kind of looks like the inside of a space shuttle here. Yeah. Whoa. So this has to come off to find a driveshaft. I'm guessing that's what this outline is. Yes. See, disconnected from the transmission. We're dropping the whole thing, right? Yeah. Engine, transmission, all of it. Yeah. Look at these cooling fins. That's Alpina. Yeah. Yeah, where's the Alpina? Right there. Alpina. All of this off and out of the way, the driveshaft is hanging like a horse. And all of these things out of the way. Last thing. Yep. Hydraulic lines for the suspension. Yeah. And then the old table makes his appearance. So this fancy table, how much did it cost you? I forgot to ask that. It was $4,400. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Well, has it paid for itself? I think so. Huh. Well, I guess we're about to see. I have an arm? Adapters. Oh, okay. All right, well, I'll just let you mess with it because I have no idea how this works. It just looks like a shopping thing for Sam's or something. Costco. Lowe's. Yeah, Lowe's. Up it goes. So now you're taking an arm and there's holes on the table so you can just put it wherever you want, huh? Twisting, twisting. Twisting. Testing. See? Go in the holes. The noises it makes. Creepy noises, huh? As all the little hoses and lines fight with each other. Wow. Look at this oily mess of an engine. My goodness. Poor thing. Oh! Charcoal canister tried to get me. Or is that what that is? Reservoir? Okay. Power steering reservoir. Whatever you are. Wire, wire, wire. There we go. Oh, yeah. I grabbed a paper towel. Look at this. Oh. Oh, it's just so nasty. You know people will kill for the paper towel, right? Not anymore. This is really cool. It's like the opposite of the How It's Made TV show. It's more like the How It Fails because we're taking the engine out instead of going in. It's really like on the assembly line of the factories. How this all goes in in one drivetrain kind of all together. So the engine's out of the car but that's only the beginning. Now Johnny has to completely tear down this whole top half of the engine because the valve seals that the heads have to come off. So this and that and that and these. Basically the whole thing has to come apart. I'm gonna go home for a little bit. Actually, I gotta go shopping for some essentials for the new baby. And then I'll go home and kiss the baby. Probably not touch the baby. And come back. How long do you think it'll be before you're seeing valve seals? Two hours. Two hours? Okay, sweet. Two hours later. Hello? Uh, you fast. That wasn't even two hours and this thing is tore apart. Whoa. Wow. Look at that weird cam setup. Just a few head studs and we're yanking some heads. A lot like when I do it. Oh. Oh my. Well, it's off. Yeah. It's a lot of water. Yeah. That was nice. He spent so many hours cleaning his shop before this video. Look at your pants. You said this has worse? Yeah. Look at number one cylinder here. Oh yeah. There's more carbon than all of them. That is quite oily. So that's my bad one. You don't just replace those valve seals. You want to do them all, right? Yeah. Okay. Complete cylinder head overhaul. We see a valve seal? Yeah. Johnny's so fast. I blink and he's already got the spring compressor on. The spring off. The valve off. And look how coked up that thing is. And now the valve seal, which... Ooh. Yeah. I can't tell if that's bad or not. Basically, when you slide the valve over, look how loose it is. Wow. Basically, the oil just seeps through the valve and it gets burned. So that's all it is. So this little seal in my hand is the reason why BMW V8s are complete junk. Starting from 2002 to basically now, they still haven't figured out how to make a valve seal last in a BMW V8 and some other engines. Before this, it was timing chains that would come apart. They figured that out and then sabotaged their engines with this valve seal for the better part of 20 years. It's crazy. BMW, figure this thing out because engine teardowns, well, you like it because you make a lot of money. But for us, I mean, come on. But as usual, I'm going to leave this complete mess in your capable hands to put back together. You are unbelievably fast. That's incredible. And then I'll have a driving Alpina B7. I haven't driven one of these since they're new. It drove really nice broken, but I imagine fixed... Way better. Yeah, way better. So looking forward to that. Thanks so much, Johnny. Here, we can shake hands because we're sharing the same grease anyway. Thank you for watching.