Cristiano Ronaldo _ Draw My Life

Mirror, mirror on the wall, it's time for the most beautiful and best footballer of all time. I was born on the 5th of February 1985 to poor but loving parents on the small island of Madeira. My full name is Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Severo. Ronaldo because Ronald Reagan was my father's favourite actor. He particularly liked that one film where he played the king of democracy or something. How many presidents is Messi named after? My nickname as a child was Crybaby. I was expelled from school at 14 for throwing a chair at a teacher who disrespected me. I curled that chair beautifully across the room and glanced the top corner of the teacher's head. Messi would have missed and smashed it ineffectively against the blackboard. So my mum encouraged me to focus on football. But then disaster struck. At 15 I needed surgery for a massive ego. Hey! Who let Messi tamper with his script? No, I needed surgery for a heart defect. Luckily I made a full recovery. Age 15 I joined Sporting Lisbon. Some of the other boys at the club made fun of me because of my thick island accent and poor background. Probably because I was so good looking. They all shut up when they saw me play. In 2002 Alex Ferguson signed me for 12 million after the United players begged him to. A quiet first year I won the FA Cup in my first season. But in 2006 I was involved in a training ground bust up with Ruud van Nistelrooy. Van Nistelrooy could score goals but he looks like a horse. I score goals and look like a model. Who would Ruud model for? Horse and Hound magazine? In the 2006 World Cup I was pitted against Wayne Rooney, United's second best player. I got him sent off. Honestly I did him a favour. No one wanted to see his ugly face plastered all over their TV screens. Once he was off the field people could concentrate on my beautiful visage. English crowds didn't seem to appreciate my good looks and booed me roundly on my return to the Premier League. So I had to make them love me for my football. I scored more than 20 goals that season and United won the league. I was PFA and Writers Player of the Year. Next year I was even better scoring 42 goals and we won the league and Champions League. Best of all I made John Terry cry. In 2008 I told Fergie I wanted to go to Real Madrid. Fergie said I wouldn't sell them a virus. I said that the rash had cleared up and it didn't hurt when I went to the toilet anymore. Then Fergie explained it was a metaphor meaning he didn't want to do business with Real. So I stayed for one more season and in 2008 won my first Ballon d'Or, beating Messi. 2-0 CR7. I also became Portugal's captain. My 80 million transfer to Madrid made me the most expensive footballer in history. I know Monkey Boy Bale costs more but that's because Fiorentina Perez had just watched Dawn of the Planet of the Apes and thought a chimp who could play football would sell a lot of shirts for us. My first season in Spain finished trophyless and Messi won the Ballon d'Or. Next season I scored 53 goals in all competitions. The season after that I scored 60 goals and Madrid won the league. The 2013-14 season saw my crowning achievement at Madrid when we won the club's 10th Champions League. I also broke Messi's four-year run of winning the Ballon d'Or. He scored 51 goals in 47 appearances in all competitions. I've done it in the world's two best leagues. F*** off Pep, the Bundesliga is a one-horse race. I've won the Champions League with two different teams. I'm an underwear model and I can score with my beautiful head, which is more than I can say for Argentina's onset of Bilbo Baggins. I was born June 24, 1987 in Rosario, Argentina, also the birthplace of Che Guevara. The youngest of four, my dad was a steel factory worker and my mum was a part-time cleaner. Aged 11 I was diagnosed as being a hobbit. Hey, who let Ronaldo tamper with his script?