The Sea Close By by Albert Camus read by A Poetry Channel

The Sea Close By by Albert Camus I grew up in the sea, and poverty was sumptuous. Then I lost the sea, and found all luxuries grey, and poverty unbearable. Since then I have been waiting. I wait for the home-bound ships, the house of the waters, the limpidity of day. I wait patiently, and polite with all my strength. Men see me walk by in fine and learned streets. I admire landscapes, applaud like everyone else, shake hands, but it is not me speaking. Men praise me, I dream a little, they insult me, I scarcely show surprise. Then I forget, and smile at the man who insulted me, or am too courteous in greeting the person I love. What can I do if all I can remember is one image? Finally they call upon me to tell them who I am. Nothing yet. It is at funerals that I excel myself. I do, indeed. I walk slowly through the iron-strewn paths of suburbs, traveling long wide lanes, planted with cement trees, and leading to holes in the cold earth. There, beneath the scarcely reddening bandage of the sky, I watch bold men, workmen, enter my friends beneath six feet of earth. If I then cast the flower which a clay-covered hand holds out to me, it never misses the grave. My piety is exact, my feelings as they should be. My head is suitably inclined, I am admired for finding just the right word. But I have no merit in this. I am waiting. I have been waiting a long time. Sometimes I stumble. I lose my touch. Success evades me. What does it matter? For I am then alone. It is thus that I wake up at night and still have a sleep. Think I hear the sound of waves and the breathing of the waters. Fully awake, I recognize the wind in the trees and the sad murmur of the empty town. I then need all my art to hide my distress or clothe it in the prevailing fashion. At other times, on the contrary, I am helped. On certain days in New York, lost at the bottom of those wells of stones and steel where wander millions of men, I would run from one to another, without seeing where they ended, exhausted, until I was sustained only by the human mass seeking its way out. But each time the distant siren of a tugboat came to remind me that this town, this empty well, was an island. And at the tip of the battery, the water of my baptism was awaiting me, black and rotting, covered over with hollow corks. Thus, though I possess nothing, have given away my fortune, camp by the side of all my houses. I can still be blessed with all riches when I choose, set sail at every hour, unknown to despair. There is no country for those who despair. But I know that the sea comes before and after me, and hold my madness ready. Those who love and are separated can live in grief, but this is not despair. They know that love exists. This is why I suffer, dry-eyed, in exile. I am still waiting. A day comes, at last. The bare feet of the sailors beat softly on the deck. It is dawn, and we are setting sail. The moment we leave harbour, a short gusty wind vigorously brushes the sea, which curls backwards in small foamless waves. A little later, the wind freshens and scatters the sea with swiftly vanished camellias. Thus, throughout the morning, we hear our sails slapping over a cheerful pond. The waters are heavy, scaly, covered with cool foam. From time to time, the waves yap against the bow. A bitter, unctuous foam, the god's saliva, flows along the wood and loses itself in the water, where it scatters into shapes that die and are reborn. The hide of a white and blue cow, an exhausted beast which drifts a long way behind our wake. Since our departure, the seagulls have been following our ship, apparently without effort, almost without moving their wings. Their fine, straight navigation scarcely leans upon the breeze. Suddenly, a loud plop at the level of the kitchens casts a greedy alarm among the birds, throws their fine flight into confusion, and sends up a fire of white wings. The seagulls whirl madly in every direction and then, without any loss of speed, drop away from the fight one by one and dive down to the sea. A few seconds later, they are together again on the water, a quarrelsome farmyard that we leave behind us, nestling in the hollow of the wave and slowly plucking through the manna of scraps. At noon, under a deafening sun, the sea, exhausted, scarcely finds the strength to rise. When it falls back on itself, it makes the silence whistle. It cooks for an hour and the pale water, a vast white hot iron sheet, sizzles. In a minute, it will turn and offer its damp side, now hidden in waves and darkness, to the sun. We pass by the gates of Hercules, the headland where Antaeus died. Beyond the ocean lies everywhere. On one side, we pass by the Horn and the Cape of Good Hope. The meridians wade the latitudes. The Pacific drinks the Atlantic. Once our course is set for Vancouver, we plunge slowly toward the South Seas. A few cable lengths away, Easter Island, desolation. And the new Hebrides file past us in convoy. Suddenly, one morning, the seagulls disappear. We are far from any land and alone with our sails and our engines. Alone also with the horizon. The waves come from the invisible east. Patiently, one by one, they reach us. And then, patiently, set off again for the unknown west, one by one. A long voyage with no beginning and no end. Rivers and streams pass by. The sea passes and remains. This is how we must love it. Faithful and fleeting. I wed the sea. The high seas, the sun sinks down, is swallowed by the mist long before it reaches the horizon. For one brief moment, the sea is pink on one side and blue on the other. Then the waters grow darker. The schooner slides, minute, over the surface of a perfect circle of thick, tarnished metal. And at the most peaceful hour, as evening comes, hundreds of porpoises emerge from the water, play around us for a moment, then flee to the horizon where there are no men. They leave behind them the silence and anguish of primitive waters. A little later still, we meet an iceberg on the tropic, doubtless invisible after its long voyage in these warm waters, but still effective. It passes to starboard, where the rigging is briefly covered with a frosty dew, while to port the day dies without moisture. Night does not fall at sea, rather from the depths of the waters, which an already submerged sun gradually darkens with its thick ashes. It rises toward the still pale sky. For a brief moment, Venus shines alone above the black waves. In the twinkling of an eye, stars swarm in the liquid night. The moon has risen. First, it gently illuminates the surface of the waters, then mounts higher and writes upon the supple water. At last, at its zenith, it lights up a whole corridor of sea, a rich river of milk which, with the motion of the ship, flows inexhaustibly towards us through the dark ocean. Here is the faithful night, the cool night which I called for amid the noise of lights, drink, and tumult of desire. We sail across spaces so vast, they seem unending. Sun and moon rise and fall in turn on the same thread of light and night. Days at sea, even and indistinguishable as happiness. This life, rebellious to forgetfulness, rebellious to memory, of which Stevenson speaks. Dawn. We sail perpendicularly across the Tropic of Cancer. The waters groan and are convulsed. Day breaks over a surging sea full of steel spangles. The sky is white with mist and heat, with a dead but unbearable glare, as if the sun had turned liquid in the thickness of the clouds. Over the whole stretch of the celestial vault, a sick sky over a decomposing sea. As the day draws on, the heat grows in the white air. All day long, the bow noses out clouds of flying fish, small iron birds forcing them from their bushes in the waves. Like prehistoric animals, passengers lost at sea are warned that other men are present and exchange greetings with them. The two ships draw slowly farther apart upon the malevolent waters. All this fills the heart with sadness. What man who cherishes the sea and loneliness will ever stop himself from loving these obstinate madmen? Who, clinging to planks and tossed by the main of immense oceans, chase after islands long adrift? In the very midst of the Atlantic, we bend beneath savage winds, blowing endlessly from pole to pole. Each guy we utter is lost, flies off into limitless space. But this cry, carried day after day on the winds, will finally reach land at one of the flattened ends of the earth and echo timelessly against the frozen walls until a man lost somewhere in his shell of snow hears it and consents to smile with happiness. I was half asleep in the early afternoon sun when a terrible noise awoke me. I saw the sun in the depths of the sea, the waves raining in the surging heavens. Suddenly the sea was alight. The sun flowed in long icy droughts down my throat. Around me the sailors were laughing and crying. They loved one another, yet with no forgiveness. On that day, I recognized the world for what it was. I consented that its good should also do evil and its drawback carry benefits. On that day, I realized that there were two truths of which one must never be told. The curious austral moon, slightly paired, accompanies us for several nights and then slides rapidly from the sky down to the sea which swallows it. There remains the southern cross, the infrequent stars, the porous air. At the same instant, the wind also ceases completely. The sky rolls and pitches above our immobile masts. Engine dead, sails hove to, we whistle in the warm night while the water beats amicably against our sides. No commands, the machines are silent. Why indeed should we carry on and why should we return? Our cup runneth over and a mute invisible madness rocks us to sleep. A day comes like this which draws everything to a close. We must then let ourselves sink like those who swim until exhausted. What do we accomplish? Forever I have held it secret for myself. Oh, bitter bed, princely gout, the crown lies at the bottom of the seas. In the morning, the lukewarm water foams gently under our propeller. We put on speed. Towards noon, traveling from distant continents, a herd of sea cows cross our path, overtake us, and swim rhythmically northwards, followed by multicolored birds which, from time to time, rest upon their horns. This rustling forest slowly vanishes on the horizon. A little later, the sea is covered with strange yellow flowers. Towards evening, for hour after hour, we are preceded by an invisible song. I go to sleep at home. All our sails stretched in a keen breeze, we race across a clear and rippling sea. At top speed, our helm goes hard to port. And towards nightfall, correcting our course again, listing so far to starboard that our sails skim the water. We sail rapidly along the side of a southern continent, which I recognize for having, in former days, flown blindly across it in the barbarous coffin of an airplane. I was an idle king, and my chariot dawdled. I waited for the sea, but it never came. The monster roared, took off from the guano fields of Peru, hurled itself above the beaches of the Pacific, flew over the fractured white vertebrae of the Andes, and then above the herd of flies which cover the immense Argentinian plain, linked with one swoop the milk-flowing Uruguayan meadows to the black rivers of Venezuela. Landed, roared again, quivered with greed at the sight of new empty spaces to devour. And yet, never ceased, failing. To move forward, or at least did so only with a convulsed, obstinate slowness, a fixed, weary, and intoxicated energy. I felt then that I was dying in my metallic cell, and dreamed of bloodshed and of orgies. Without space there is neither innocence nor liberty. When a man cannot breathe, prison means death or madness. What can he do there but kill and possess? Today, on the contrary, I have all the air I need. All our sails slap in the blue air. I am going to cry out with speed. We throw our sextants and compasses into the sea. Under the imperious wind, our sails are like iron. The coast drifts at full speed before our eyes. Forests of royal coconut trees whose feet are bathed by emerald lagoons. A quiet bay, full of red sails. Moonlit beaches. Great buildings loom up, already cracking under the pressure of the virgin forest, which begins in the servant's courtyard. Here and there, a yellow ipeca, or a tree with violet branches, bursts through a window. Rio finally crumbles away behind us. And the monkeys of Tijuca will laugh and jibber in the vegetation that has overgrown its new ruins. Still faster, along wide beaches where the waves spread out in sheaves of sand. Still faster, where the Uruguayan sheep plunge into the sea and at once turn it yellow. Then, on the Argentinian coast, great crude pile of faggots set up regular intervals, rays slowly grilling halves of oxen to the sky. At night, the ice from Tierra del Fuego comes and beats for hours against our hull. The ship barely loses speed and tacks about. In the morning, the single wave of the Pacific, whose cold foam boils green and white for thousands of kilometres along the Chilean coast, slowly lifts us up and threatens to wreck us. The helm avoids it, overtakes the Kurgulan Islands. In the Swedish evening, the first Malayan ships come out to meet us. To sea! To sea! shouted the magical boys in one of my childhood books. I have forgotten everything of the book except this cry. To sea! And from across the Indian Ocean to the banks of the Red Sea, where in the silent nights you can hear the stones in the desert, scorched in the daytime, cracking one by one. We come back to the antique sea, in which all cries are hushed. Finally, one morning, we drop anchor in a bay filled with a strange silence, beaconed with fixed sails. All we can see are a few birds quarrelling in the sky over scraps of reeds. We swim ashore to an empty beach. We spend all day swimming and drying ourselves in the sand. When evening comes, under a sky that turns green and fades into the distance, the sea, so calm already, becomes still more peaceful. Short waves blow a vaporous foam onto the lukewarm shore. The seabirds have disappeared. All that is left is a space, lying open to a motionless voyage. The knowledge that certain nights of prolonged gentleness will return to the earth and sea when we have gone can indeed help us in our death. Vast sea, forever virgin and forever ploughed, my religion with the night. It washes and feeds us in its sterile furrows, frees us and holds us upright. Each wave brings its promise, always the same. What does the wave say? If I were to die in the midst of cold mountains, unknown to the world, cast off by my own people, my strength at last exhausted, the sea would at the final moment flood into my sail. Come to raise me above myself and help me die without hatred. At midnight, alone on the shore, one moment more and then I shall set sail. The sky itself has weighed anchor with all its stars, those ships which at this very hour gleam throughout the world with all their lights and illuminate dark harbour waters. Space and silence weigh equally upon the heart. A sudden love, a great work, a decisive act, a thought which transfigures. All these, at certain moments, bring the same unbearable anxiety linked with an irresistible charm. Is living like this in the delicious anguish of being, in exquisite proximity to a danger whose name we do not know, the same as rushing to our doom? Once again, without respite, let us go. I have always felt that I was living on the high seas, threatened at the heart of a royal happiness.