Hatten ihre halbjapanischen Kinder Probleme in Japan? - Mutter in Japan

We fled to Auckland now. Yes, exactly. But it doesn't rain that much. It doesn't rain that much. We could have stayed there. Now we're here. And today I thought I'd ask you about children. How many children do you have? Three. You have a Japanese husband. That means they are German and Japanese. And you always hear the most different things. I mean, my son is now two years old. He hasn't had that much contact with the outside world yet. But how was that for you? So was there any situation in which you came across problems because your children were half-half? Before we continue with the interview, here's a quick note. My book is now on sale. Can be bought both as a physical version and as an e-book. First link in the video description. Feel free to stop by, buy the book if you're interested. I didn't come across any problems. What amazed me was that from kindergarten on it wasn't even thematized. Neither the children nor me. It wasn't thematized at all that it surprised me. Also not in terms of language. Can the woman even speak Japanese? Or does she understand Japanese? Or do the children understand me? Or something like that. That's what I imagined. Nothing. That wasn't even thematized. And it was very, very natural. Were there other children who were half-half or were they all Japanese? In the year of my oldest son, no. Then in the year of my second son there was a boy whose mother was Japanese, the father was American and they were here for a short time. And there, in fact, when the son came, he could hardly... He understood Japanese, but couldn't speak it. But even there, it wasn't thematized. He was supported the way he had to be supported. There was no one who said, he can't do it. He needs extra help here. The support was very, very strange. Very strange and very normal. For me it was very strange that it was so normal. And at the Miyo... Well, at the Miyo they knew me, because I was in the same kindergarten. But... And then at school as well. And then at school it was like this... It was the first time for me that I saw the Japanese system and that I saw the school. And I wanted to learn as much as possible. And the school here, at that time and I think many schools do that now as well, was very open towards the community. So... What is it called? A kind of... Are those the people who stand with the flag on the street? And they had a system that you put a cloth around your arm and then every time you wanted to walk through the school. Our school is very big. At that time it had 1,200 children. So for Japanese standards it was very big for a primary school. And that the people could just go in there at any time and walk through. Or there are these parents' days where on a certain day the parents could watch the lessons. I did that as well. And... I always went there. I always walked awake. Every hour. Because I just wanted to see what was being done there. I found that totally interesting. And then I heard that there was a reading program. There were a few mothers who went to school once a week and read a picture book of the class. And I thought, why do only the four or five mothers do that? Why not in the whole school? And then I went straight to the rector and said, if you get that in order... And we got that in order. I talked to different mothers and they talked to someone else. And every week I was in every class with my children. The oldest was in 6th grade, the second was in 4th grade and the youngest was in 1st grade. And every week on Tuesdays and Thursdays I read books for 10 minutes in the class. At that time there was no English program yet. I went back to the rector and said, I want to teach English. But we don't have that in the program. But in a few years it will be in the program. How would that be? And then he called me in the afternoon and said, I told the teachers from 5th and 6th grade and they want you to come. Even if it's only once or twice a month. It's just the work in the school. And I said, I don't want anything for that. I teach here and I only have 6 to 8 children per class. And there are certain things that I wanted to do where I just need 30 or 40 children. Communication, I think the more people there are, the more communication games there are. And that was just a bit of a research program for me. So I didn't want to make a lot of money. I didn't want to look for a job, but really experiment for myself. And then I did that. And then I really went to the class where my son was. I went to class every month. And then the next year they said, now we advertise us as a school in the city so that we can pay you for it. And then I finally worked there. And then again and again I went to the classes of my own children. Not bad. Yes. And did you ever notice that your children had problems or that they were bullied because of it? No. My second son had a few phases in between He has very light skin and had summer blisters. And that was a bit of his complex. And then someone had to paint each other in art class. And then his neighbor painted him and had a lot of summer blisters. And that's what he felt as a nuisance. And then really he found that horrible. But I also have to say that I don't want to say that there are no summer blisters. I know there are. And when I went to school I also suffered a lot. So there are. But I think especially when it comes to multiculturalism you can also create it yourself as a parent. And that was never a question for me. For me it was never I have to be careful because he could be bullied because he is mixed. That was not an issue for me. And when they came home and had a story that only went in that direction I said, look he and he has glasses he looks different he and he has braces and looks different he and he is totally fat and has problems with that. Everyone has something. It's not just you. Everyone has something. Everyone looks different. And the one who is fat has his friends and if he doesn't focus on being fat, he is fat. And I think that came up with the kids. And that's why they had their self-confidence or self-esteem or whatever that might be. I think that's I thought a lot about when Lui, my son comes to school and I think that it's easy or that you tend to blame that it's half and half that the child has two nationalities. But as you said there are in Japan as well as in Germany children who are bullied who are German or Japanese who are bullied by Japanese. And I think most of the time children just look for some characteristics. They don't like the character or what the child does or just don't like it. And then they look for things they can focus on. And I think with mixed children it's especially easy to focus on that aspect which doesn't necessarily mean that the child wouldn't be bullied if it was purely Japanese or somewhere else. And I think when children are bullied they are bullied but not necessarily because they are mixed or something. But I think sometimes it's easy to put your shoulder up. And not to see what's really going on. And I have to say especially now the teachers are really trying to stop it as soon as there's a problem. My daughter had skin problems. Really severe skin problems. That's why. It had nothing to do with nationality or anything. She had it from boys. When she had the duty to distribute the food the boys said we won't take anything from her because she has bacteria or something. Yes, but that would have been... Years later it was something similar with a Japanese child. And I think how sensitive the parents are to hear that. You can tell there's something going on. She told me and I immediately asked the teacher if she told me I don't know maybe she misheard or misheard. And he told me when there's a problem with boys it's easy with girls it's a bit harder because they try to talk it out. And the boys say it's true and they would never do it again. Years later it became clear. No problem with that. What the kids often tell now as a child they weren't aware of but now he's in Germany and he looks more German. Especially as a child he looked more western than Japanese. Inside he felt 100% Japanese. Because in the house we only spoke Japanese. He has 100% Japanese education in kindergarten he learned kanji and he was the German when someone from Germany or we were in Germany. Japanese culture. And you don't carry a mirror with you you don't see yourself all day. He walks through the school and sees all the kids and he feels like them. 100%. But the kids see him and he looks different. And sometimes there were reactions or comments where I noticed oh they see me and they see something different than I see myself. They see something different than I think what they see. It's funny. And he always found that very strange. And he says that happens to me in Germany often because inside I'm still Japanese but I look in the mirror and I see that. It happens to me. It happens to me sometimes. That you feel Japanese? Yes, I don't feel different than the others. People often say you're German, you'll be German forever. Which is true. Of course. I'm not Japanese. Which is okay. And probably they always point fingers at you or the people around you always think you're a gaijin and I say why is that? And I don't really notice that. But when I hear that then I often think, I feel like the people around me too. That happens to me too. I don't do it consciously. When I go to the supermarket I'm a gaijin, I'll be right back. I'll buy the daikon. Exactly. And I think that's what a lot of people say I can't integrate and the Japanese see me as a gaijin forever. They see you that way. Exactly. For some reason when I go to the supermarket they see me as a gaijin again. And there's something I read that from people who are here as tourists. The Japanese look at me. I've observed that but I don't have the feeling and I'm of the opinion that the Japanese don't look at me when I'm on the train. Not more than me. And of course when I'm dressed up like some tourists with dyed hair of course the Japanese look at me. They would do the same with a Japanese with pink hair. I think people don't look at you when you look at them. And when people look at me all the time something comes back. People often say the Japanese look at you but in reality these people look at you and get a look back. But it's a difficult discussion. For me it's not difficult but I get that because I get comments where people say that I'm Japanese because I live there. But if you live here and I think it's not only for Japan that you emigrate and you really want to live here and you learned the language and you speak it fluently then at some point you don't notice the difference. What's the difference? The look at the end of the day. But if you have a family your husband probably doesn't look at you every day and I didn't even notice but you talk to your family normally and you don't notice it. Exactly. And I think you get used to thinking or maybe you were like the average Japanese person before. For me it's like that. I can start less with the German but more with the German. And I feel more at home here than in Germany because of the cultural values and what people say. And then you adapt I don't understand why people say you can never become Japanese you don't look like it. Of course you don't look like it but what makes a Japanese person a Japanese person? The way you behave the values you represent as a society whether you can integrate also plays a role. And when you say I live Japanese and if you have a Japanese apartment and if you eat Japanese and participate in Japanese events whether it's a festival or something then you live like the Japanese around you. And I think you can say you live Japanese because what else do you do? German definitely not because it's not German what you do. I don't know but I don't think someone with a Turkish origin in the third generation or someone with a Turkish origin who looks Turkish but went to school in Germany you wouldn't say you're German. If it's the next generation it's something different. Maybe you hear that too but I get told especially when I'm with my wife that people say for you it's like Mayu is the German and Kevin is the Japanese. I get that too. Yes, yes, yes. I find that interesting but what it basically means even if I don't notice it myself but some behaviors seem to have that even for Japanese seem as if it's normal but because of their appearance it's not normal for the person. It was complicated. It's this Nihonjinyori Nihonjin. Exactly, exactly. So more Japanese than Japanese. That's what the Japanese like to say. I think this identity question was that also something you paid attention to? How much German did you speak with your children? I spoke German with the oldest until he was in the 3rd grade. In the 1st and 2nd grade we did writing and reading exercises. But from him less and less German came back and from the 1st grade I noticed that he didn't want to speak German anymore. And of course when I spoke with the oldest the other two were there too they heard that too but he never spoke German. And then there's a video where I speak German with him the German video I think. It's linked. There he also said that he was kind of embarrassed. So a little embarrassed to speak German in front of his friends. That I spoke German was okay but he didn't want to speak German back then. So for him there was this social pressure and well there was a certain pressure from the people and the children around him. But I always have what did you want to ask? I wanted to ask how much it affects the identity of the children. The language. I know a German he also has 3 children here in Japan and he didn't speak German with them because he said he didn't want them to have this problem that they can speak both languages and don't know where they belong. So he said they should be raised in Japan and they are. And the interesting thing during my studies we didn't have a lot of half-Japanese in our studies. And if you ask them why are you half-Japanese? Were you in Japan more often? And your mother is Japanese? But I don't really know if I'm German or Japanese and I wanted to get to know my roots. And I thought that was interesting and I asked myself if you do both the same what is the point? Am I German or Japanese? Something you never noticed with your children or they never told you that they have an identity conflict. The identity conflict came later when it was during or after university time about going to Germany. Or maybe in between when we were in Germany. Kai could speak German every time when we were in Germany. He had a neighbor who was as old as he was and they played together. That came quickly although when he was in the second grade or so he only spoke Japanese and then I wanted him to speak German but I didn't want that. So I stopped and with the other two I also spoke Japanese because they never spoke German. And for me communication was the most important thing. So he went to school and I noticed when he came back that there was something he didn't have to say in German when he started to tell me. So I said I don't want a communication barrier. A cramping wall. Exactly. So I just stopped. So as a family we more or less spoke Japanese but every time we went back to Germany the understanding that the children don't speak German of course in the beginning when they were little it was because they were shy but at some point they realized that they are old enough and super intelligent and we want to talk to them but they can't say what they want so what is that? Why not? And that was on the one hand stupid probably not easy for you but not for the children. Because you always have to explain that. And then when he went over to see how many Japanese people who grew up in Germany speak Japanese and German and English and Portuguese or something fluently at least three languages fluently he didn't. That was a bit crazy. But I think it can't be compared. I don't want to talk myself out of it but for example the Japanese who grow up in Düsseldorf or Cologne they get from the Japanese government as soon as they are out of school they get all the school books. They have all the school books every year and there is a kind of Japanese school on Saturdays so the people I know who go there and there who have their community there. And it's not that it doesn't exist here at all. So in Kyoto there is the mouse I don't know, in Osaka there is certainly something where you can go on Saturday. But first of all it is much shorter so it is mother and child or parents and child. It's not just the children. And it's a play group so it's not a learning group. And that's something my children hated. So that's something where I think they had identity problems for the first time. So when we when I invited their friends so I have many children's birthdays every year when I invited their friends or when I went to school or yes when I had my Japanese friends here that was never a problem I think I was just the mom. But when we did something rare which we always did when we went to a group in a foreign group where parents with children either foreign children or mixed children were. That was a change of character where I noticed they don't feel comfortable here at all. They don't want to be here at all. And that was no. And I did that less and less. I think that's also I know many Japanese from Düsseldorf because I lived there and was born there. And as you said there is this Japanese school in Düsseldorf and I would say most Japanese living in Düsseldorf are here because of work. Because of their parents. That means the children are either sent directly to the Japanese school or to the international school and at the weekend they have this addition so they don't follow the Japanese in Japan and at some point they usually go back to Japan. So basically they live in Japan in Düsseldorf. In Cologne they only speak Japanese when they come back from work. In Cologne I know the people who go to a normal school and in the house they speak Japanese and go to the Japanese groups on Saturdays. But I think that's a little bit different. And then I think the biggest identity crisis when my oldest son went to Germany for a year that was stupid because here at the embassy I asked how he could go and he could either go as a German or as a Japanese with a working holiday visa and because my husband was there it would have been like a sick leave and so on it would have been easier to have a working holiday and then when he arrived he had his Japanese passport stamped and when he wanted to register his apartment he was told that he did something completely wrong that he had the duty as a German to move around in Germany and not as a Japanese and so on and then the second when he went he went as a German but because he finished school and university in Japan and then wanted to go to university again in Germany he had to confirm all these Japanese papers that they count as an Abitur it's ok but it's such a process but he had to register as a German because he had a German passport he had to register as a German but he had the Japanese papers and then at most universities even though he registered as a German he still had to take a language test and that was where I had the feeling that the universities don't know what they're doing they don't do that at all and that was where I had an identity crisis and I was like oh my god but it's interesting that your two sons basically went to Germany was that out of their own interest or did you say go there they also said we want to at the oldest my husband was there and a year break at the university and a year in Germany that was there and at the second he especially with the family the contact because he also had since he was 11 I think the last time he was in Germany was when he was 10 and then he started a band and always had some gigs when we were in Germany and was actually and he is a total family man and wanted a little more with the family where my roots are I think that was very interesting that would be a topic even better with the boys themselves if we can do that maybe until then I think they also speak enough German the second at least that works then thank you very much I have linked the German video until next time bye