Alan Ritchson Shares All About His Near Death Experience Hitting Rock Bottom

I think I knew somewhere deep down that there was a bit of panic, but you're also, you know, you do what you do, especially when you're young, where you're like, I'm like, you know, there's no problem here. I can do this. I can do this. And I'm going to have to, I have to do this. I have to, you have no choice. Get up, Alan. Yeah. You got three kids get to fucking work. Let's go. That's it. That's what society and whatever everybody's telling you sort of like, and you are kind of falling apart at the same time, right? Trying to be this man that you can't possibly be or, or trying to be right. Right. So do you feel like there's a pressure of your, you're trying to be the best dad, trying to be the best husband, trying to do all these things. And that's what part of it was. Yes. And then trying to reconcile that with reality, which, you know, um, there were moments that I were very difficult, you know, and, and, you know, keeping my marriage together was very difficult. You know, I was, you know, as my career was accelerating and I was working on bigger films with bigger stars and, um, you know, and then realizing, you know, not everybody that you work with cares that you're married. And, you know, there's a lot of friction because some people would rather you not be married. And then you're like, maybe I shouldn't be married. It's very, you know, um, uh, it's a difficult, uh, it's a difficult place to be. And, um, you know, so there was a lot of growing pains, you know, for somebody who grew up very blue collar, um, in North Dakota and yeah, I was born in North Dakota. I was raised in Illinois, in Florida, you know, my, I have a place in Florida now. I live there now. Um, you know, uh, being confronted with, you know, um, you know, starlets and, you know, films and the press and, and what people often, you know, attribute to, uh, the celebrity like the, you know, the red carpets in the picture, you know what I mean? You know, there's like the glitz and glam of it all, which is not all it is at all. It's a very small part of it. Um, and a part of it that doesn't matter. But, um, you know, being confronted with that and going like, Oh, there's this whole other side of life that I had no idea existed. And now I'm being exposed to it, but I'm also married and I forgot the young kids and who I, who am I? Did I jump the gun here? You know, I mean, you have to start to second guess yourself. I'd be lying if I didn't say that, you know, I've been very open with my wife about this, you know, and you were enticed. There was more. Yeah, sure. There's moments where like, I don't know if, you know, um, I don't know if the life I chose is the life I want right now, you know? And then you, and then you feel a huge amount of guilt and shame for even thinking those thoughts, you know, which, um, so there was, you know, that was, there was sort of that thing I like under the cauldron a little bit. Um, but then I, you know, uh, bizarrely for me, it was, I had a very good year, like a very good year, but it was too, it was too much. You know, I took on every, you know, I wrote, I wrote, you know, I write down my goals at the beginning of the year, put it on paper, let me put it out into the world. I want to direct a film. I want to sell this script. I want to sell a manuscript for a book I want to do. And everything that I, every, I ticked every box. You're making it happen. Yeah, dude, it was a good year. And, um, you know, reap the rewards from that financially, you know, and, uh, but servicing all those monsters that I was creating was becoming too much. And so I had to force myself into this brainwave state for nine months. I like made myself manic to deal with this, you know? So I've got identity issues, issues. Sure. I mean, I think, you know, I'm, you know, not like I was talking about it every day, but just knowing that there's something behind the veil there. That's like, I'm not sure who I am or what my purpose is here in my marriage or in my life or career. And then I'm manic for, for, for far longer than I should be to, to service all these masters. And, uh, and then I had the straw that I think broke the camel's back was, um, I had a business partner who I had done everything right for, you know, I had, uh, I, you know, honored faithfully all our contracts, like was doing a great job making a successful business for us. Very honest and, uh, multiple audits by some of the biggest auditing firms to prove that because there were like false allegations when there was retribution for me deciding to walk away. But, um, I was confronted with a business partner who, um, gave me an ultimatum, you know, well into our business dealings together. Like if I didn't provide this quid pro quo relationship thing that she was going to, um, destroy my reputation and our businesses, she didn't care. She had so much money anyway. And, uh, you know, you know, needing being confronted with this sense of like, well, you know, I know I'm not perfect and I have issues, but when you do it all right, and this is where you end up anyway, you know, in like a long drawn out legal battle, just trying to, um, you know, protect, you know, protect your reputation. Cause you got somebody making these false act, you know, I mean I had lawyers calling me up going, you're dead meat, buddy. And I'm like, who is this? And they're like, we know that you've been buying houses with, you know, Bitcoin and you've been taking stealing money from the company and you've been buying cars. I'm like, what are you talking about? Like I've never audited me. Then there's nothing worse than being innocent or not having done anything wrong and people accusing you of it. That's, that's a terrible person. Look at me. And I said, if you don't come up to my hotel room and give me what I want, I'm going to call TMZ and tell them that you are, you, you were sexually assaulted me, tried to rape me. And by the time, by the time, by the time you clear it up, everybody will already think that you're that, you know, like it won't matter. The damage will be done that like that to my face, that threat. And I was like, you, you're making a huge mistake like this. That's not, I mean, and you're feeling this. Yeah. You're feeling the stress. You're feeling the anxiety, dude, all that, man. So, um, so, so, so, you know, I flew, I flew home after that conversation and a guy lawyered up, you know, to protect myself and thankfully like nothing ever happened, you know, that's the game of it. But, um, but, uh, you know, that coming, coming out of that season of busyness and all that, the manic energy for far longer than we should ever have to sustain that kind of energy. This, I, you know, this, this, this crisis of like faith in humanity, you know, um, a little bit of uncertainty of like where I should be right now. Identity crisis a little bit. Yeah. It all do it. And you, you came to your wife and you told her, honestly, this is what I'm feeling and this is what I'm thinking. And I don't want to ruin this marriage, but these are kind of what's, I came to her and I said, I think it's better if I'm not here. Really? Yeah. And what'd she say? Please don't do anything crazy. You know, it was a very real conversation here. Meaning like if you weren't alive, yeah, you were that bad, you were dark. It was very, I could not pull myself out of it. You know, cause once I, once I got settled down back in LA, after all of it, after all the dust settled, I was like, I could, I couldn't get up in the morning. Like, you know, the things that you talk about with depression, like I could, you know, only wanted to sleep all the time. It felt so foreign to me. Somebody with like this zest for life and this energy that's, you know, I mean this drive, this work ethic, like it's, it's insatiable. And to feel like I don't, I can't get out of bed. I didn't understand why I would want to anyway. And then feeling like now I'm just a burden to my family that my kids are seeing me like this. I can't let them see me like this. This is, I'm like this shell of myself and they see me in bed all day. It would just be better if I wasn't here. And uh, yeah, man. Cause I know what that's like. I know it's like just waking up and going, I just want to go back to sleep. I just want to lie down. Yeah. I don't have enough energy for the day. And that's depression, huh? Yeah. And yeah, but that, but that depression is a red flag for something much deeper, which for me was about purpose. And I didn't know. I, so I've been open about this. I've talked about this publicly on my little channel, my, you know, trying to help people who maybe have felt like this and don't understand it. Hold on just a little longer. Cause if you do hold on just a little longer and you felt like this, there is hope for you. There's hope for a better day where we can remember why we're here. Remember who we are and, and, and take time to find our purpose. And sometimes that means a big shift, sometimes a little shift. Um, for me, it's still sort of fit my understanding of the world, but I needed to make a choice about who I wanted to be and what that, you know, the consequences of that would be in my outward life, you know? And, um, I didn't know that at the time I couldn't speak to that at the time, but I, uh, I went up in my attic. I had a, uh, a big house with, um, uh, you know, second story that I turned into movie sets and I went up in, uh, this movie set that I'd shot in. It was such a weird, such a still such a weird thing to think about. But, um, and I don't know why I went up there. I just felt like the only place to do this, the best place to do this. I don't know. And I, I, uh, I strung a green extension cord around some rafters in my set, you know, that's like, there's no roof. It's a fly walls and stuff. And, um, and I hung myself and you hung yourself. Yeah. Yeah. And it's still hard to think about the fact that like, I would do something like that to myself, especially with kids. But I, I, I now understand what it's like when people are like, I don't understand why they would kill themselves. And I'm like, I can tell you from experience, they thought they were giving the world a gift. That is the saddest lie that we could tell ourselves. But I thought that I was doing my family and my community a favor because I, I was such a mess.