Been Married for 2 Years and Have Never Lived Together

[Music] brought to you by the every dooll app start budgeting for free today um I've been married two and a half years and uh my husband and I have two homes between us and up until last month we've done our finances about 90% separate and I'm just not sure where to go from here I've accumulated $20,000 in debt and I'm really struggling to pay it off I make 31,000 a year okay let's go back a second um yeah I want to go back here and get some details on this uh you guys have two homes and you said up until I thought you said two months ago 90% of your income I mean 90% of your finances were separate I don't quite understand that are you guys living in different houses yes for how long have you been doing this the entirety of your marriage or is this a new development uh the entirety of our marriage so you're so are you married like really um that yeah that's how it yeah can I ask a weird question why did you get married um well a couple weeks ago my husband shared with me that he actually didn't want to get married that he was too afraid to tell me because he would hurt my feelings and so I've wondered that um we did have a plan to find a home together that kind of met halfway and we had both compromised and that has since been blown out the window since we've been married so I've just uh we' both been just trying to make it work so this whole thing was built on a lie to avoid hurting your feelings um that's how it feels yeah so you got so you guys get married do you go on a honeymoon no so no honeymoon and from day one he had his house and you had your house I'm actually in a rental yes oh so you're renting yeah we're 30 minutes apart and so confused yeah I am too I'm going to keep digging George uh so the house that he lives in are you onon the the the the the deed for that the title did you own that together or is it his house no it's his house and this is what I've struggled with and why I wanted to call is um I've really struggled financially since we've become married I've changed my jobs trying to contribute the best that I can and he does help me now but I've had to you know ask for help and I don't want to put him down but I have had to ask for it does he know that you make 30 grand you've been going 20 grand to debt you can't afford your life you're continually unable to make ends meet and what does he say um think to be you him well he he doesn't want to be married let's be honest he just he told you how long ago was this and he said hey I I never wanted to be married this was just I just said yes I didn't want to upset you like how long ago to that conversation happened that was two weeks ago yeah I I think from there we we're operating from that statement there's this is not even a situation where I would say there's counseling that this has never been a marriage yeah I've actually I've been in counseling the last two and a half years and um what is your therapist telling you kind of what you're telling me but my husband assures me this is where he wants to be just has a slow time moving forward assures you this is where he wants to be like this is what he wants his life to look like um no I don't think it does but he continues to want to keep trying um I'm not sure we trust things he says anymore try there is no trying do you guys even have oh boy I can't even believe I'm going to say he doesn't want to make this is there no I need to know is there any like marital intimacy at all or do we have a conjugal visit you guys live in separate houses yeah we go back and forth um and I have sat with him to have the wait second wait wait so that is happening yes that is happening well this is even more bizarre it's just like a friends with benefits with a legal Arrangement that's exactly what I'm getting at is that fair and your therapist is telling you that you need to get out um he hasn't said that specifically but he's just um he has acknowledged that my hus been two and a half years of counseling how are we how have we not come to a decision listen I'm not upset at you Emma I'm upset at this guy I think this is manipulation this is so wacky this is not a marriage George nailed it it's friends with benefits in a legal Arrangement I'm I would have to assume there's other women in his life at this point he's not getting what he needs even emotionally from you I don't think he wants emotion from her this is a dude who told you two weeks ago he never wanted to be married but we're doing the uh the uh con conjugal thing I this is wacky Emma if I listen I'm trying to act like your older brother right now I would be like no this doesn't make any sense this is not a marriage you're you're not happy are you um no I've I've struggled I've this has been a hard I think there may be some sunk cost fallacy here and there might be some shame spiraling of I've spent all this time trying to make this work but it's not working and it's been 2 and 1/2 years and here you are struggling with debt not making a lot of money I think we need to I I'm not going to tell you on air to you know cut ties with him you need to make that decision for yourself but I would strongly figure out what life looks like for Emma on her own as she starts a new chapter which means he has to decide to actually be married why in the world you are renting a place when he has a house and you're his wife does he not want you living there well that's partly my fault um in my divorce my kids have to go to school at the school district where I'm at um I have four kids at home he doesn't have any okay and my kids did not I know it's not all about my children but I felt like it would hurt our relationship to move them over there into a new school district and everything which I couldn't do anyway um so I do my best to just meet his needs and go back and forth and it sounds like he's getting any benefit as literal as there is and you're getting zero and he sounds trolling and manipulative and as soon as you bring up this conversation again he's going well you know we can make it work what do you need okay we'll figure this out even though he's already told you he doesn't want any part in this yeah we can't keep skipping over the what he said to you two weeks ago so well he said that but then he says now that he he wants to be here and he wants to work it out I don't care what he says what is he doing then he needs to sell his house and move in with you unless his actions reflect all of this in the next week yeah this is not going to go anywhere he's going to say whatever he needs to say to get out of the conversation no he's saying what I me tell was afraid I'm going to give you the real re he's saying whatever he needs to say so he can keep up this crazy Arrangement Bachelor all week and then I get to play husband when it suits me if you know what I'm saying I mean let's be honest so he needs to if if you can't legally get the kids out of the school district and they've got to go to school where they are then he as your husband needs to go I'm coming to you and I'm going to be married to you that would required being a man and currently he is a child yikes so I don't know that we can get that to happen but you've got to create your own life you're going to have to get the income up get out of the debt and plan to we a session with a financial coach hang on the line Christian we're going to get you Emma with one of our financial coaches because in the midst of all of this you have to get your finances in shape to take care of you and those kiddos so we're going to we're going to walk you through that we're going to be with you the whole way create your free doll budget today the simplest way to budget for your life