Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Women | Dealing with a Narcissistic Woman | BPD

Hey guys, in this video we're going to talk about is she a narcissist? So, we're going to go through some of the signs that she might be a narcissist, we're going to go through a couple of the different types of narcissism from overt to covert, and I'm going to give you some tips on how you can deal with a narcissist. So, if you're new to my channel, my name is Anna Jorgensen, I'm a dating coach for men in Vancouver, Canada, welcome. So, first of all, what is a narcissist? Well, a narcissist is a person who has a bit of a personality disorder. And you might find that when you're going through this list of signs that she might be a narcissist, well, you might look at your own behaviors and think oh man, that's something I do. So, we're not all narcissists, narcissism is a very overused term but there's some specific signs that she is definitely a narcissist and you should definitely be on your guard. So, the general definition of a narcissist is someone who has a really high opinion of themselves or seemingly so, they lack empathy, they tend to need a lot of external validation and attention and generally have a really inflated sense of their own self-worth but it's actually a cover for a deep-seated insecurity beneath all of that. So, let's just get right into the signs that she might be a narcissist. Aside from the fact that she doesn't have empathy, she might be really jealous of other women in your life or she might try to create jealousy of men in her life for you to become jealous of, she will gaslight. So, what's gaslighting? It's basically where someone tries to mess with your reality. So, you might say something and she'll deny that you ever had the conversation or you might quote her as having said something and she'll deny that that conversation ever happened or that she'll try to manipulate it not the way that really was. If you ever find yourself wanting to record conversations that's a pretty good sign that she might be a narcissist. She throws tantrums so this will happen whether it's covert or overt. If she doesn't get her way whether she's expressly asked for whatever she wants or she's tried to manipulate you into somehow reading her mind to be able to know what she wants. If she doesn't get her way she will throw a tantrum. Selfishness, disloyalty, or being mean on purpose to hurt you basically and you might be wondering like well, what's the difference between someone who's just really selfish, egotistical, and insecure and a narcissist? Well, there is actually a couple of things that you can look for to determine whether someone's actually just insecure and reacting poorly because they have lack of emotional intelligence and someone who is truly a narcissist. So, let's go through some of the other signs. They tend to be drama based because they like to be the center of attention to feel important whether they are covert or overt. So, if they're overt they just throw it right out there and they don't mind the attention in a big way. But if they're covert they still want attention but they tend to do it more quietly in a more manipulative way but they still like drama. They tend to feel entitled and arrogant. So, if they're overt they'll just demand what they want if they are covert then they'll again try to manipulate you psychologically to get what they want but they do feel internally that they deserve it even though the sub-sub level of that is actually that they feel like they're actually unworthy. So, at the base of narcissism is actually definitely a really, really low self-esteem and we all have self-esteem issues but a narcissist that's the base of all of their interactions and relationships. They also tend to have really messy lives and difficulty in most of their relationships whether it's a romantic relationship or business or friendship or anything like that. Their constant need for validation through other people or external sources. So, they tend to always not always but they well yeah, pretty much always. They tend to be vain so their external appearance may be vain. Now, if they're a covert narcissist they may actually go the other way and slip into what appears to be an identity of depression but it's just another way of getting attention and seeking validation from external sources in the way of getting sympathy or empathy and that sort of thing. They will guilt trip you or she will guilt trip you into making themselves the victim even though we really actually didn't do anything wrong. They will basically mind leap you into thinking that you've done something wrong to them and they're the victim. And this can again happen with overt or covert narcissists. Along with that is that they're extremely self-centered so no matter what's going on they will turn it around and make it about them. You could have just lost you know, a good friend to a car accident or something and they will turn it around and make it a story about them and their losses instead of being empathetic towards you because they don't have empathy. And if they do express empathy it is learned behavior not true internal feelings of compassion for another person. And sometimes it's hard to tell if someone is truly a narcissist or if they're just really messed up. Either way the tips I'm going to give you later on for how to deal with them are actually the same. So, another sign that you might be dealing with a narcissist is that they are hyper sensitive to criticism or perceived criticism. So, you can never tell them how to do something better or even make a suggestion of how to do something differently because they will take that as being a dig to their identity. And they often tend to not really know who they really are so, they are very, very sensitive to any kind of perceived criticism. They turn things around and project their own flaws onto other people. So, if you are trying to have a constructive conversation about something that's not working out in your relationship or at work or whatever they will turn around and basically accuse you of having the personality flaw that you are trying to work on with them. And it becomes about your flaw not their flaw. They don't want anyone to see them as having flaws because they need so much external validation. They're actually empty buckets trying to make other people fill them up. Whether they're covert or overt they will just fly off the handle to a degree that is unjustified for the cause because they can't handle a conflict because conflict ultimately is a sign of someone not agreeing with who they are as a person. They are expert liars so, they lie frequently and easily and they do not feel any shame for it because again, they are self-centered selfish people who will do whatever they need to do say whatever they need to say to look good to other people in the end. Typically, they'll lie about things that will if they told the truth make them look bad in your eyes or the eyes of the world or anybody's eyes or cause them to potentially be abandoned. Ultimately, they don't want to be left if they think you're going to leave them they'll leave you first. If they're a covert narcissist they may have a victim mentality where they're constantly looking for pity because their life is so bad in so many different ways. Oh, a little appearance from the dog, hello. They may play the victim card or have depression so that they get sympathy and attention for having depression or that. Now, this is not to say that every person with depression is a narcissist but some of them are. So, again, maybe evaluate some of these things within yourself because you may not be a narcissist she may not be a narcissist but these behaviors are none nonetheless not healthy anyway and you need to look within yourself and try to fix them or if you're with someone who's got all these signs you need to still look within yourself and try to discover why you're actually with someone who is like this. And yes, I'm going to bring up my wake up to love program because that'll help you discover it and fix it. If they're an overt narcissist they will also tend to be charming and charismatic magnetic they are definitely the life of the party if they're overt. So, they're really attractive they suck us in because they know how to do that because it's part of their survival mechanism to get people on board with wanting to be around them they need that they need the external validation from other people. Okay, now the four types of narcissism I mean there may be more but this is what I could gather from the research that I did. I've only read one book on narcissism which is probably telling enough as it is but if you want to learn more about it there are definitely some experts in the field that have great information about this. So, let's go into the four types of narcissism. So, the first type of narcissism is grandiose they are the leaders of our world and they are very charismatic they're outgoing they are probably extroverts that's the type of personality type where it's just look at me and give me your attention and they have zero humility in asking for that kind of attention. They don't necessarily have a mean streak in them but they are self-absorbed and self-centered. The second type would be the malignant grandiose and that would be the same as the grandiose but they do have a mean streak. They actually want others to suffer so that they can gain. So, they feel like they get extra points if someone has actually suffered for them to be able to get ahead. They'll lie, cheat, steal and do whatever they want to do but particularly if it's going to hurt somebody else. Another type of narcissist is the stealth or victim narcissist. So, that would be the covert narcissist where they use mental manipulation they are not necessarily outwardly grandiose even though internally they are still feel very entitled and they use the victim card to manipulate others or get what they want or get attention and sympathy and they tend to blame the world for everything that goes wrong in their life. They never take ownership of the... Actually, all narcissists do this none of them take ownership for where they're at in life. Now, that's something that a lot of people do anyway but that doesn't mean you're a narcissist. Nonetheless, definitely a narcissist will not take responsibility and they blame if they're a covert or victim mentality narcissist they blame the world and these are the types that are most prone to depression or the appearance of depression. And then the fourth type is the communal narcissist. The communal narcissist is someone who is basically the sneakiest narcissist of them all because they are a do-gooder but they're a do-gooder for appearances sake not because they actually empathize with whoever they're doing good for. They show up at just volunteering at their church or they have foundations or they you know are the heads of big causes. They're actually doing good in the world but it's not because they're actually people who empathize with the cause that they're after. They're actually looking for the attention and validation that being the philanthropist or the do-gooder will get from playing that role basically. Interestingly enough and just stick with me here because I'm going to get to the four things you can do to manage a narcissist or to deal with a narcissist. Just before we get to that Dr. Ramone, I think that's her first name actually. She suggests that there's only really about maybe 10 to 15% of the population who are true narcissists. The rest maybe are just insecure or selfish or have other emotional difficulties but they're not narcissists. Narcissism cannot be cured. Ah, what? No, narcissism cannot be cured. It can only be managed. So, the other interesting point about narcissism is actually that about 80% of the clinically diagnosed narcissists are men. Now, you may find that surprising and the numbers are actually changing. The number of women who are true narcissists are growing and that's probably because of the function of feminism and just the society right now at large. But it makes sense that most men up to this point have been narcissists because we actually validate and support and reward some of the behaviors that narcissists displace. Working hard or striving or external validation for status, for money, for all of those things are typically more driven in men and also men are told to shut down their feelings or not express their feelings. And so, we are seeing the change of that happening now but actually there's still more narcissists in the world that are men well, at least in the western world even that are men than are women. But the good news if you want to take the good news out of that is that there are actually fewer narcissistic women out there than many of you think. That doesn't mean that they're not a lot of messed up women with emotional baggage and who are maybe not really worth being with but they're not incurable narcissists. Well, how do you deal with a narcissist because it's incurable and you want to know like what the heck Anna J how am I going to deal with this woman who is freaking charming but a handful and causing me grief and making me doubt myself. Well, here are the things you can do and should do, must do if you want to maintain your own sanity. Number one, if you're not already overly involved with a narcissist but you suspect she is one then avoid, abort mission do not be with that person they cannot be cured and the reality is I already did a video on what happens if you help someone overcome their issues if they're not a narcissist they'll probably leave you. So, if you're dealing with someone who's so messed up that you're wondering whether or not they're a narcissist you probably shouldn't be there you should stop, tuck, drop, and roll and figure out why you're actually even attracted to someone like that because it starts with you and that's the only thing that you can actually do is look at where you are making the choices. Again, my wake up to love program will help you out with that but you need to if you can avoid being with a narcissist. Okay, so what if you're already dating or courting or with someone you're already in love it's too late you're, you're in it ah, you're in it. Well, first of all I'm very sorry I'll pray for you and the second thing is you have to manage your expectations because you're going to expect a narcissist to be a normal loving empathetic person maybe like you are but they are incapable of doing that. If a narcissist really, really, really wants to change because you're going to leave them and take the kids or if that's a woman or even if you're a man whatever if ultimately there's going to be some kind of huge consequence because of their narcissism and you can drag them into a counselor they may sign up for changing but they can't actually change they can only manage their behavior. They can't actually learn true empathy but they can learn fake empathy. In other words, they can display the behaviors of empathy even though they won't really feel it. They'll learn what to do that's right to do or what an empathetic person might actually do and they'll do that but it will never, never, never never, never, never never, never, never come from a place of true integration within themselves it will always be an act. So, manage expectations second thing very critical is set boundaries and follow through on consequences. A narcissist will always try to push the boundary the only way for them to learn that their behavior and this is with anyone really the only way for them to learn that that bad behavior is not going to get them what they want is for you to have a consequence that doesn't give them what they really want. So, you have to have boundaries and you have to follow through on consequences and again this is important for any relationship. And then the fourth thing that you can do if you're dealing with a narcissist is leave them which is actually quite risky because they will make you pay for hurting them and even though they don't actually feel hurt necessarily the perception of what other people would think if you left them would make them want to hurt you. This is what we see in the divorce cases where women are basically bending men over and hurting them financially with their children emotionally destroying their careers destroying their lives in many cases. Feel bad for you guys you have to deal with that because the laws are not fair. Anyway, if you can leave then just expect that it's going to be a ---- show. So, if you don't want to deal with a fallout of leaving a narcissist because there will be a fallout then you need to just go back to steps two and three which are manage your expectations and set boundaries and follow through on consequences or leave and just understand that as bad as it might be dealing with leaving that person once you get past all of that hopefully you won't be in jail but once you get past all of that you'll be free of this person and then maybe you can go out and either be alone or work on yourself wake up to love so that you can get into a relationship with a healthy person because there are healthy people out there. I'm not the only one I'm pretty healthy but I'm not the only one. Again, Dr. Ramoni I can't remember how I'll put her name below because I can't remember how to say or spell her last name. She's like the expert on narcissism another really good person who has gone through an experience with a narcissist and has dedicated his life to studying narcissism is Richard Grannon. And because you stayed this long a little side note is that narcissism some people can be a narcissist but not be a psychopath but all psychopaths are narcissists. If someone has borderline personality disorder versus narcissistic disorder the narcissist is rooted in shame and feeling deeply insecure and they want everybody else to feel insecure along with them. The borderline personality disorder they are rooted in guilt their greatest fear is of abandonment. So, narcissists greatest fear is not being validated borderline personality is being left. A psychopath is born with it biologically they're actually they have some different wiring than the rest of us hopefully most of you aren't psychopaths. And a sociopath is actually learned behavior. So, learned bad behavior none of these people have empathy they don't have true empathy and it can't be learned it can't be, it can't be cured but it can be managed well, except for maybe a psychopath. Most importantly you cannot love a narcissist into not being a narcissist no matter what you do or don't do they're going to be a narcissist for life. They may be able to act like not a narcissist even if they have good behavior they're like an elastic band and at some point stress or trigger will have them snap back to their original nature. So, there you have it.