A Brief History of Scotch Whisky

Scotch is the most popular whiskey in the world. But here's the shocker. It is not a Scottish invention. We know, preposterous. Let's fly through a brief history of Scotch whiskey and find out what actually happened. Scottish whiskey was first mentioned in 1494, when a certain friar John ordered 1,500 bottles of it at the Lindoris Abbey near Edinburgh. But the spirit everyone called aqua vitae had already existed in Ireland for almost three centuries. It was invented by Irish monks who realized imported perfume gave them a buzz, so they learned how to make a less-fragrant hooch. At the dawn of the 16th century, whiskey was fairly popular among the plebs of Scotland. The first serious boost came in 1506, when King James IV visited the town of Inverness. He took a cartload of Scotch back to London and promoted the hell out of it. In 1644, whiskey was so popular the Scottish Parliament decided to tax it. Now, nobody likes taxes, so instantly, thousands of whiskey makers broke bad. The next 150 years were full of Tom and Jerry antics where taxmen tried to outsmart the devious distillers, who were always a step ahead. By 1820, 14,000 stills were confiscated by the feds, each year. And yet, the crackdown couldn't stop illegal distilling. One of the most famous tax agents was Robert Burns, the bard himself. He collected the whiskey tax in the late 18th century, but he was no hater. In 1785, he wrote an ode called Scotch Drink, where he celebrated the true Scottish spirit, inadvertently creating an official anthem of whiskey. It says, "'O you, my muse, good old Scotch Drink. "'Inspire me till I lisp and wink to sing your name.'" By the 19th century, whiskey was legal again and thriving. Then, in 1831, an Irish lad called Aeneas Coffey invented a continuous still that revolutionized whiskey making. Ireland shunned the invention, trying to protect the purity of their whiskey, but Scotland went bonkers with it. They swapped malt for grain whiskey, which was lighter and more accessible. A bulletproof recipe for success, it turns out. It didn't take long for Scotch to overtake its Irish ancestor and conquer the world. From India to Indiana, from Old York to New York, names like Johnny Walker, Tommy Dewar, and James Cheebus became household names. Then, something apocalyptic happened in France. The severe blight of the mid-19th century annihilated most of the French vineyards, bringing the wine industry to its knees. But one man's loss is another man's gain. Since wine, brandy, and cognac were awfully scarce, people turned to the Scottish potion. Scotch became a worldwide sensation. In 1919, the U.S. Congress made America dry overnight, but against all their intentions, Prohibition was just another setback that turned out to be golden for Scotch. Mobsters like Lucky Luciano and Vito Genovese couldn't smuggle enough of it. The Cheebus brothers worked 24-7 and dropped waterproof crates of Scotch outside the U.S. territory. Will Burgess of Teachers Scotch basically said Scottish whiskey was humanitarian aid. We're giving the Americans the finest Scotch instead of their dangerous moonshine. When the world pieced itself together after the two World Wars, Scotch was everywhere. The fact that Winston Churchill himself tippled on it daily didn't hurt the brand. Today, there are 120 whiskey distillers in Scotland and more than a billion bottles are sent all over the world each year. The Irish may have invented whiskey, but it was the Scots who turned it into a success story. Scotch is like I love rock and roll. Arrows recorded it, but it was Joan Jett who made it a global hit.