The Dishwasher Demon Returns | Jon Richardson

But more often than not, as I say, it ends in an argument, she goes to bed, I feel awful, I go in the kitchen and get a whiskey, and I see the dishwasher's finished, and I think, right, well I'll unload the dishwasher, because she made tea and loaded the dishwasher. On that occasion, not every night, I'm not an arsehole, that's how we operate, we used to do what I'm sure a lot of you do, if you cohabit, one would cook, the other one would wash up, we knock that on the head quite early doors, because I tend to tidy up as I go while I'm cooking, and she doesn't. That's not a problem, is it? That's just two people who do things differently, she does it her way, and I do it right. I can't help myself, I'll run a little dish of soapy water at the beginning, and I'll pop the chopping knife, just do that at the time, and just pop it in soak, if you don't want to wash it, that's fine, pop it in soak, pop a bit of water in there, you got the beans out, pop a bit of water in there, bit of water in there, let's not, let's not put it straight back on the ring there, let's not put it straight back on the ring with that little teaspoon of bean juice still in it, and the residual heat of the ring there, just, just burning that on like a glaze in a kiln. You keep scrubbing, it don't come off, does it? It's just an orange pan now, everything's orange, sometimes I go in the kitchen, I think I'm getting cataracts. Residual bean juice everywhere, just pop it in soak, same with your baking trays, tip your roasties out, little bit of water in there, back in the oven, shut the door, the residual heat of the oven, it boils that water, it lifts all the grease off, you tip that away, you've washed the thing already, and you can write that down, because that's fucking gold, that is. You're very kind, but I wish that hadn't been the biggest reception of the evening, I really do. Sometimes I think, maybe I'm one of them political comedians, and then I see that, and I think, maybe I'm Prue Leith on tour. It's a lovely tip that, and that works for cottage pie, lasagna, anything, it just slides straight off, washing up becomes sexual, I do it naked when she's gone to bed, I'm not gonna lie to you, just get it right off there with the finger, it slides right off, but you know, you just pop it in soak, but what that would mean is, I'd do a Sunday roast, sometimes she'd go in to wash up, there's only a spoon and a plate, the next day she makes me a sandwich, fucking bombs gone off in there, she's used everything we own, sometimes, sometimes I can't even get in the kitchen door, I have to go in the garden and climb in the window like that, stand on the worktop shouting through, how have you used a tagine? So now the rule is, you do everything, you get the next night off, that's fairest, right, but what it does mean is, emptying the dishwasher is one of those weird jobs, isn't it, it's hours after the event, so I'll see it's finished, I think, well I'll open the door, pull the drawer out and then, to be fair, she'll often come back down from bed then, because she can hear me screaming, she'll say, what's the matter John, is it the spider? I say, it's not the spider, it's the dishwasher, she says, you're joking, I say, no, get comfortable while we go through it all, then we'll go through the litany of crimes that's happened in here, because like so many people, she seems to believe this is a magic box that cleans anything roughly in its vicinity, on the worktop, in the living room, if you love your family, you load this with the attention of a psychopath, everything has its place, I say, well it's this bowl that caught my attention first of all, this upturned bowl here on the top shelf, now it's not wrong to put a bowl on the top shelf on a light load, on a light load, on a light load, on a light load, malfunctioned a bit there, I'm sorry, we tend to put the bowls down here, do you see, on the bottom shelf, where the rungs are a bit wider, now that tips the bowls forward, you get more purchase underneath to get that filth off, but what you've done here is perfectly acceptable, on a light load, I just noticed you've put this upturned bowl on top of an upturned plate, really had to ask how you thought that was ever going to get clean in there, you've created a hermetically sealed environment here, there's no way for the water to get, there's only water in that box, little people don't come in the back and lift everything, pick it up, I say, look that's exactly the same as when it went in that one, except now it's warm and damp and a day old, do you see how dangerous that is, you couldn't grow mould in a more efficient environment than that, we'll put that one there, that'll have to be done again, let's start a little pile, this plate will have to be done again, I know the underside is clean that we eat off, but this side's filthy and of course when we stack it, that's going to touch the eating side of the one underneath isn't it, so we'll do that one again, now this wine glass on its side, oh I'm sorry, oh we're both tired, unbelievable, I think this is a hobby of mine at three o'clock in the morning, this wine glass on its side, that'll have to be done again by hand as per the note, don't know if you'll get in my emails, you never reply, push the drawer down, now if you'll come downstairs with me, you see we've fallen foul of the old two spoon rule there, haven't we, that's two spoons in the same compartment, it does look like one spoon, it does look like one spoon and that's the problem, you see they've tessellated together, that's why we call it spooning, you see they've gone together, looks like one lovely clean spoon doesn't it, but if I just fan them out look, you see it's the front and back of two filthy spoons isn't it, look at the state of that, all covered in yoghurt and grass, you've been to the park again haven't you, now this is where I've had to fail you, this is your major fault, this is the bread knife in the cutlery tray there, now of course it's called a knife, I can see why you've put it in there, but if you'll come down with me, it's not actually a semantic issue, it's an issue of height, bread knife's too tall to go underneath isn't he Mr Bread Knife, he's too tall there and he's stopped the propeller going round there hasn't he, so what's happened there, you've shut the door, the propeller has smashed into the bread knife and in fairness spent 108 minutes washing the shit out of all this, everything on this axis is absolutely impeccable, I can't fault you on that, sadly it's just all the rest of it has been a complete waste of both, I wonder when she left, I didn't hear the door.