Stephen Lynch - El Rey - Superhero

Kids, kids, if you could be a superhero, who would you be? Would you be Batman or Superman or Spider-Man, Wonder Woman for some of the guys in the back? I don't know! Or, you could make up one of your very own. That didn't even sound like a word to anyone. Superhero! I'll get you started, kids. I'll think of the first one. Let me think. Hold on. Just let me think. Okay. Alright, I'm just stalling. Alright, here we go. I got it. If I could be a superhero, I would be Awesome Man. I'd fly around the world fighting crime. And if I saw criminals trying to lie, hurting other people and making them cry, I'd haul them off to jail in my Awesome Van. Because I would be Awesome Man. See, kids, it's easy. No, no, kids, I know, I know. Sometimes criminals want you to be a criminal, too. They offer you things like drugs and alcohol. But we know to just say no, right? You drunken motherfuckers. Except for my little stone table right here. I know who you guys are. See, I can fucking smell it from here, man. Laugh at everything just a half second too late. Shout out inappropriate shit. I know what's going on, man. Me, too. Dude, let's go see that fucking dude tonight. What dude? I don't fucking know, man. What was I singing about now? I forgot. Oh, yeah, can't, can't. Kids, let's pretend drugs and alcohol are bad. Oh, shit. I hope the fucking Los Angeles newspaper's here tonight, man. Lynch promotes drug use. Blows microphone. Alright, I guess in my case. If I could be a superhero I would be Drug Free Boy Telling the world of the evils of drugs And all of the lives they destroy When I take all those junkies getting so high With their needles and bongs and their sticks made of tie As I burn them alive I would squeal with joy Cause I'm a Drug Free Boy Beer so far away. That's fine, thank you. Oh, that was nice. It was like I was suckling from a teat. Beer teat. Beer good. If I could be a superhero I'd be Immigration Dude I'd send all those foreigners back to their homes For eating up all of our food And taking our welfare and best jobs to boot Like landscaping, dishwashing, picking our fruit Pass a lot of laws to get rid of their brood Fucking hush falls over the crowd. All the foreign people hate me now, don't ya? Oh, kids. Kids, that verse is meant to be ironical. Tongue in cheek. The Beatles are all the shitty jobs that nobody wants to do. Now everybody hates me. Come on kids, it's your turn. I want you to think of a superhero. Just shout one out, I don't give a shit. Wait a minute, Dick in the Mouth Man right off the bat? What are you, the owner of this fucking place? I am Dick in the Mouth Man. Stop or I'll put this dick in my mouth. Fucking do it. What kind of superhero is that? Dick in the Mouth Man. Who? Wow, I guess Fellatio Girl overruled Schwarzenegger Man. Fellatio Girl? Fellatio Girl! Sucking the cocks of justice coast to coast. Put down that TV. Why? I'll... It's like Wonder Twin Powers with Dick in the Mouth Boy. Fellatio Girl. That's the worst deterrent to crime I've ever fucking heard. It would just be chaos. Very good little boy, little girl. These are all cock related. Who? Jizz what woman? Jizz Troth woman? This is a fucking family show. Jizz Troth, are you Jizz Troth woman? She's not Jizz Troth woman. Or is she? I see these are all genitalia related. Anybody else? Narcolepsy boy. Again, an ineffective superhero. Stop or I'll... Wow, Fellatio Girl, Narcolepsy Boy, Dick in the Mouth Boy, and Jizz Troth Girl. Just shaping up to be quite a little Justice League you guys got here. Who else? Bong Man? What's with the ineffective superheroes? Hey man, put down that TV. Ah, fuck it. Who's got the Funyuns, man? Don't drink that last Mountain Dew, motherfucker. I'm Bong Man. Who else? Where am I tonight? I'm Beastiality Boy. Stop or I'll... Fuck a goat, I guess. Don't cheer that. Where the fuck are you from? Who? Homeless Man? You are an asshole, my friend. I'm Homeless Man. Solving crime? Wherever I might be that day. Superman, drop me off. Where? Wherever. It's cool. Anywhere I lay my... That's mean. Who else? Who? Premature Ejaculate? Sir? Are you Premature Ejaculation Man? Stop or I'll... Oh, fuck. Every damn time. I gotta go put on some new tights, man. This sucks. I'm done with you guys right here. You're not even naming superheroes, you're just shouting out words. Fuck it. Lip. Don't drop. Fuck. This is like the Tourette's Syndrome section right here. Fuck. That's a superhero. I'm Tourette's Boy. Stop or I'll... Fuck. Beat it. Strangely compelling, Tourette's Boy. I don't know what... Wow. Tourette's Boy. Jizz Trough Girl. Palacio Girl. Dick in the Mouth Boy. What were the other ones? I'm trying to fucking forget that one. Homeless Guy? That'd be a great undercover job. Alright, you know what? I'll come up with the last one for you guys. Let me get serious here for a second. If you could be a superhero Would you be Justice Guy? Making sure people get what they deserve Especially women who lie Like if a wife left her husband with three kids and no job To run off to fucking Hawaii with a doctor named Bob You could skin them and drain them of blood so they'd die Especially that motherfucker Bob Then you would be Justice Guy Or then you would be Dick in the Mouth Boy Or then you would be Jizz Trough Girl Or then you would be Palacio Girl Or then you would be Tourette Fuck. Funny Boy Or then you would be Beastiality Man Yes, then you would be A superhero Thank you! You guys like the country western music at all? No! No? Fuck it, I'm gonna play something else.