Dan Rosenberg | Full Comedy Special (2024)

Name: Dan Rosenberg | Full Comedy Special (2024)
Uploaded: 2024-09-21T10:37:23.586Z
Duration: 38 min 48 s
Channel: TOO Funny in Life
Description: #StandUpComedy #Funny #Comedy #StandUp #LOL #Humor #Hilarious #Comedian #Laughs

TOO Funny in Life

7 Video Views·Sep 21, 2024 #StandUpComedy #Funny #Comedy

#StandUpComedy #Funny #Comedy #StandUp #LOL #Humor #Hilarious #Comedian #Laughs

One of my favorite jokes is by the late, great Gary Shandling, who was a real person, not a fictional character. The joke was something like this, and I'm paraphrasing a little bit, but the gist of it is he was running in Hawaii chasing after a dog and he broke his ankle. And he knew it was broken immediately because he's Jewish and it hurt more than it usually does. To me, that's the perfect joke. It's quick, it's to the point, and it's funny. And when people find out I'm a comedian, they go, what's your favorite joke, or tell me a joke. That's usually my go-to. The other thing people always ask is, what's the hardest part of being a comedian? Is it getting up on stage in front of strangers? Not really, not for me. Is it writing? Sometimes. The hardest part for me right now is coming up with a name for this comedy special. Do I just take 30 years of experience in all the different cities I've lived in and roll that up into a ball and come up with some sort of creative name like my 30-year journey or something like that? Or do I just take one of the bits? I've got coasters, I've got hotel ducks, I've got another great one, urinal farts, because we're doing a classy special here. There's no perfect name. And there's that old saying that perfect is the enemy of good. And sometimes you just come up with a good enough name. But I want that perfect name. Welcome to the Buxton Center at Bainbridge Performing Arts. Please welcome Dan Rosenberg. Look at you people. I'm going bald. I wear the hat. Thank you. The hair is going. I was getting my hair cut recently, and the barber looks at me. He goes, hey, you think maybe it's time? I go, what? He goes, you know, like a system. Oh, a system? Yeah, you know, a hair replacement system. I go, a rug? He goes, yes, a rug. OK, a rug. I go, those are so obvious. I don't want one of those. He goes, really? He goes, look at mine. I go, that's a hairpiece? He pulls out his driver's license. It looks like Bozo the Clown. And he goes, yeah, the secret is get a little thinning on the top on your toupee. They go, well, that's just a bad haircut. It's not a toupee. I'm like, that's genius. I go, OK, so how does this work? How do I just all of a sudden have hair? I'd have to move to a new town to start all over again. I can't just suddenly have hair. No, no, here's what you do. Here's what you do. You grow a beard, so everybody gets used to you with a beard. Then you shave the beard, take off the hat, put on the hair system, and nobody knows. What do you mean, nobody knows? He's like, no, trust me. He goes, everyone's going to look at you and go, hey, something's different. Yeah, something's different. What's different about you? I'm like, oh, I shaved my beard. Oh, and you put it on your head. OK, that makes sense. Long story short, I'm losing my hair. And you can be bald. Bald is OK. You can say, hey, you see that bald guy over there? That's OK. But if you say, hey, you see that balding guy over there? That's offensive. Now, I don't know if this is offensive. So I apologize up front if it is. In today's culture, this might be offensive. I don't think it is, because it's true. My son had some friends over. They were going to the middle school dance, and he showed up in this gold LeMay jacket. They're giggling. I'm like, what are you guys laughing at? And they say, look at the size of his jacket. It was extra small Asian gentleman. It actually said that on the jacket. So I went on Amazon, and I looked up my size. I'm extra medium Bolivian woman. I was engaged at 19, engaged at 24. This is how stupid I am. Third one took. That was good. So we've married over 20 years, almost 20 years. First two fiances had a lot of things in common. The first names were the same. Chris, spelled different, but they both had the name Chris. They were both waitresses. I don't know if you guys know this, but if you marry a waitress and get divorced, you only have to give her 15%. 18 if she's good, 20 for parties of six or more. Automatically added. So I guess if you have six kids, you've got to give 20%. Maybe that's how it works. I didn't get the rings back from either of them. Well, Chris wanted to get the ring back from her because she paid for it. So I figured I should let her keep it. Chris too, I did get the ring back actually, but I didn't get my money back because Walmart just had an exchange policy. I was 24, but I did exchange it for a big bag of peat moss and some tube socks. So that was good. So one thing I really hate that people do is when they use finger quotes. Yes, I don't. People, you know what? I'm not comfortable with that or that's not for me or the lazy people that use one finger quote. Do you know what I do when people use finger quotes? I eat them. They go, you know what? That's not mine. I go, oh yeah. It's like, what the hell did you just do? I ate your finger quotes. You can eat your own too. Lazy people. My wife sends me to the store all the time. I'm walking around like a zombie like all the other husbands on FaceTime. We're all shopping on FaceTime now. I'm like, no, they don't have it. Okay, hold on. There, you see? Look, it's not there. Down to the left. Oh, okay. All right. There's one row full. Okay, fine. She sent me to the store the other day to get horseradish and I got the little jar. I'm like, and I took a picture. Is this the one you want? And she's like, no, I want the, I need the actual root. So I'm like, oh. So I go to the lady in the produce section. I go, yeah, I need to get a horseradish root. I swear she giggled at first, but I wasn't sure why. She goes, yeah, it's over there. I go, oh, okay. The smallest one was this big. And it looks like a horse's, you know what? A horse's ruhan. Not a horse's radish. Like this thing should be called like a horse, horse cockish is what this thing should be called. I mean, it has like, like a bulbous bottom and then a big shaft. I got the smallest one I could find. I'm like, well, there's no way we need this much. And I go to check out and the lady goes, do you need the whole thing? I'm like, no, but this is the smallest one. I go, I can't break it. She goes, hold on, I'll get the guy. So she pages the guy. The guy comes up. They have a moil at the grocery store. He just, he cuts the tip right off. I'm like, do I tip him for that? No. The guy behind me goes, hey, is that horseradish? You're going to take all that? No. He goes, I'll take the shaft. All right. So he gets the shaft and the balls went back on the shelf. My favorite new H word is not horseradish though. It's highfalutin. I did not know highfalutin is one word. I thought it was highfalutin. Like it's like there could be lowfalutin. Oh, that's very lowfalutin. Or something could just be falutin. It's the right amount of falutin. Medium falutin. Extra medium falutin. But I Googled highfalutin and in the Google description of the word highfalutin, they actually use the term hoity-toity. If you don't know what highfalutin is, are you going to really understand hoity-toity? Hoity-toity is two words. Speaking of H words, I called a customer service line recently, and I wanted to turn off my account. And the guy says, well, let me repeat your account number. So we make sure we turn off the right one. I go, there's multiples, but let's start. He's all right. Number three, the letter A is in Apple. H is in Hitler. The number four. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? He goes, H is in Hitler. I go, no, no, dude, whoa, whoa. It's hotel. Or you could say highfalutin. He goes, is that one word? I go, it is one word. I mean, there's other H's. He goes, eh, I'm going to stick with Hitler. I have a friend, and you know sometimes people don't want to swear, so they'll say it quietly. She puts the quiet part on the wrong word. She'll be like, that is such shit. That guy is such an ass. What a fucker. I said, you know you're doing that wrong, right? And she goes, shut the fucking front door. That's totally wrong. Shut the front door means shut the fuck up is what that means. I used to work at a hotel. I was the night auditor. You know what the night auditor is? That's the guy with an associate's degree who works for $7.02 an hour from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. That was my job in the 90s. Overnight, you have to have fun, right? So a guy checks in really late, and his name was Richard Holden. So I decide I'm going to play with the morning crew because he's going to call down for breakfast or something, and it does last name first in the computer system. So I put Dick instead of Richard. So when he calls, it says Holden Dick. And I didn't expect him to call me. So he gets to his room. All of a sudden, the phone rings. Holden Dick, OK. Yeah, front desk, how can I help you? Hi, my movie channel is not working. Oh, sorry. Sometimes they turn this off, then go back to the computer. And this is in the 90s, so it's this huge computer. So hang up. I go back. Oh, HBO is off. Boom, I turn HBO on. Five seconds later, the phone rings. Mr. Holden again. Yes, sir. Yeah, the other movie channel? Oh, that movie channel. He's like, yes. OK, no problem. So I hang up. I go back, turn on the slutty films for him. 30 seconds goes by. He calls again. I'm like, front desk. Yeah, can I get a wake-up call for 7 a.m.? You're done already? In 1999, for 30 seconds, you could have used the previews. Wait until cell phones come out, dude. You won't even need the 1990. Hello? Turns out he was really into Holden Dick. Also went to a hotel once. They had ducks everywhere. That was fun. Got back to my room. There was a sign on my door. I took it personally at first. It said, attention all guests, the fine for kicking ducks will now be $15. Will now be? Did it go up or down? Are you encouraging duck kicking? I noticed it was on every door. OK, something happened. They had to adjust the pricing. So I take the sheet. I go down to the front desk. Yeah, hi, quick question. $15? Is that per duck or per kick? Because if it's per duck, let me give you 45 right now. That's an afternoon of fun right there. If it's per kick, well, I got to get my ducks in a row. Are there any accountants here? If I spend the money on kicking ducks, is that a deductible? Is that joke foul? Will they put it on my bill at the hotel? Duck tape. No joke for it. That's all I have. Duck tape. I actually love ducks. I've never heard a duck. I read an article in the newspaper. These guys in a southern state, Florida, were golfing. And they're going behind ducks with a nine iron. And they were decapitating ducks on the golf course. And that is disgusting. Because am I right, golfers? You can't use a nine iron. You've got to use a three iron for something like that. Because a nine goes way up. It might land on you. A three, it goes out. You want the distance of the three iron. You don't want a chip shot. Actually, you know what I love the most about ducks? I really do love ducks. I won't even eat duck. I go to a restaurant, they have duck. I'm like, ugh, disgusting, gross. My favorite thing about ducks is the way they fly. Because they fly that they shouldn't be flying. Yeah, they're like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Whereas eagles are like, two pumps and just glide. Yeah. They're the coolest. And ducks are, so I was in a hotel one time. And I'm sound asleep. And I hear this knocking. What the hell is that? I'm like, is that housekeeping? It's too early. It's dead silence again. So, okay, roll over. A minute later, this time there's a voice. Help, I'm stuck in 1906 and I'm in the bathroom. I'm like, oh my God, somebody's calling me from the past. I'm in room 1908. Okay. He's in 1906. They called it a water closet. They didn't call it a bathroom. So I call the front desk because I'm going to help, but I'm not going to help help. So I'm like, yeah, hi, there's a guy stuck in 1906 and he's in the bathroom. And she goes, sir, 1906, they called it a water closet. I just said that. Aren't you paying attention? She goes, oh, okay. She goes, we'll send somebody right up. I said, thank you. She goes, hey, I got two questions. I go, yeah. She goes, why are we both whispering? I'm like, I don't know why you're whispering. I'm whispering because I don't want the guy to know I'm over here. Well, stuck he is. It could be like two legs sticking out of the crapper. Fair enough. She goes, I got another question. Yeah. She goes, why do we, why do we both have the same voice? I'm like, oh, I forgot to change voices for this bit. Is that going to be a problem? She's like, no, what you could do is you could lean this way when I'm talking and then lean this way when you're talking. So the audience understands. I'm like, they're pretty smart. Hello? Oh, I went too long. She hung up. I'll never find out how the guy was stuck. What's sad is that's actually a true, that most of that story is true. I actually was in a hotel on the 19th floor and a guy, I was in 1908, a guy was in 1906 and he's stuck in the bathroom. How do you get stuck in the bathroom? Like if you're alone in a hotel, why are you not only locking the door? Why are you closing the door? Like, why would I don't even close my door at home? Of course my dog, you know, always comes in and say, Hey, you know, I drink out of that. The worst though is going into a grocery store and their bathrooms are like in the stock room. So you have to like walk through the doors and you, you, you know, you like ask three times and then you go back there and there's work. I'm just, I gotta go to the bathroom. And like, yeah, we know we get, these are the bathrooms. Then you have to see like employee of the month and the OSHA poster and wash your hands before touching the food, all that stuff. And you're like, you get into, there's no paper towels. Oh. And then, you know, one time I'm standing at a urinal and I had to fart. Not going to lie. I'd guy beside me farted first. So what am I supposed to do? I can't respond. So I have to hold it in. I don't know if I have a Kegel, but I'm doing that exercise. Squeezing that sucker until he turns that hand dryer on or flushes. I'm stuck. And one time I was about to sneeze while I was peeing. I'm like, and I go to grab the toilet paper roll. And as I grab it, cause I, you know, for some reason I'm worried about getting snot everywhere. I'm going to piss everywhere right now when I sneeze, but I'm worried about the snot. So I grabbed the toilet paper roll and it falls off of the little holder and the roll goes right into the toilet, right into the fresh pee toilet. So I'm like, oh no. So I grabbed the toilet brush and I pick it up and I stick the handle right into it. And I'm like, yeah, I start flushing the toilet. I'm going to save that toilet paper roll. I'm flushing and cleaning and flushing and cleaning. Yes. I take it up. I'm like, why am I trying to save this toilet paper roll? I flick it in the garbage. I feel so proud of myself. And then I realize I'm holding a toilet brush by the brush. That's not hoity-toity. I don't know what is. I lost a bunch of weight recently. Here's really how I did. Everybody's like, oh my God, what are you doing? You're working out? No. Has it been hard? It hasn't been that hard. They go, oh, ozempic. I'm like, no, I don't have diabetes. I'm not convincing my doctor I do so I get ozempic. I'm on nozempic. Here's literally what I've done. This is my official diet. If you want to participate, please do. Stop going to Starbucks twice a day. And if you do, just get the nitro cold brew. No cream, no sugar. I drink nothing but black coffee. I don't eat after 8 p.m. Some people call it fasting. I call it sleeping. I don't eat while I'm sleeping. New thing. In August, I was 243 pounds. And today, when I got on the scale, completely naked, mind you, because that's how you have to weigh yourself, 207.8. So here's what I said. When you weigh yourself, take everything off. You go to the doctor, the first time I go to the doctor, I'm wearing jeans, a sweatshirt, heavy socks, and then I get weighed. And then when I do my follow-up appointment, I'm wearing short shorts, flip flops, and a Richard Simmons shirt of some sort. Before I weighed myself tonight, I was like, I'm cutting my hair, I'm shaving, taking off my wedding band, everything's off. And all the weight is gone. Because your weight that you tell people is your naked weight. And your height, you tell people, is your height with shoes on. Because no one sees you without your shoes on. I'm 6'4 with my shoes on. 6'6 with pumps. Without my shoes, I'm 6'2 and 7'8. I used to be 6'3 and a half. We're all shrinking. So the secret is, if you want to be truthful to everybody, we should all be walking around naked in our shoes. One thing that's happened is I almost broke, it's very personal, I almost broke my throw-up record. I hope you guys aren't either. No, nobody's eating now. This isn't dinner theater. So December 11th, 1987 was the last time I threw up. Right? So a couple weeks ago, I'm in Atlanta at a hotel, and I ate something. I don't know what was going on. All of a sudden, it's about to happen. I'm like, oh no. And I'm fighting it. I'm fighting, you know what? I'm just going to let it go. I'm an adult. I can throw up again. I was 17 years old the last time. And I'm like, I'm ready to throw up. Here I go. I'm like, how do you throw up? Like, my mom handed me a garbage can when I was 17. She's not at the hotel with me in Atlanta. So I'm trying to figure out, okay, how do I do this? I'm thinking, do I Google? No, I'm not going to Google this. I don't want that in my search history. It could be a weird fetish. So I'm like, all right, do I lift a toilet seat? Yeah. Yeah, well, the top one, obviously, but the second one too. Okay, do I take my shirt off? Yeah, I take my shirt off. Pants? Do I take my pants off? Do I get down my Walter Whiteys? I definitely take my glasses off. I mean, I got to take the glasses off. You don't want them to fall. So I'm getting ready. I'm giving in. I'm like, here it is. Record's over. And I've got all these friends I know are going to make fun of me. I'm like, it's finally over. The streak is over. And I just burped. That was it. I had gas. All that buildup for a burp. And it's hereditary because I'm telling my mom the story. She's like, you know, I haven't thrown up since Uncle Gary's Bar Mitzvah. I'm like, he's 90. She's like, yeah. I go, wow. I thought it was a big deal that I was a junior in high school or a senior in high school. She was like five. When I was five, my mom gave me chocolate milk and Hostess chocolate cupcakes for breakfast because I had a cool mom. I still do. And I went with her on her chores that day. We went to the bank. And all of a sudden, I wasn't feeling right. I'm like, uh-oh. So they take me back into the special bathroom at the bank. And that's one of the many times I remember. So to this day, I will not eat chocolate and drink chocolate at the same time. I've never had a chocolate mochaccino and a brownie. I've never had a thin mint in a glass of Yoohoo. I won't do it. There are support groups for people that are so afraid of vomiting. It's like their biggest fear in the world. And it's called, I looked this up, emetophobia. Not metaphobia. That's the fear of Mark Zuckerberg. Emetophobia. I don't know why it's not like vomophobia, pukaphobia, yakaphobia. Why is it emet? Any doctors in the house? Is that a medical term? What does? Emesis. Emesis? That's where it came from then. I guess pukaphobia just doesn't roll off the tongue the same way emetophobia does. My mom grew up being told, we don't eat pork in this house. Bacon, ham, that's fine. We don't eat pork. So she's still, we'll go out to eat. Oh, pork sausage. No, no, no, no. It's bacon sausage. Okay, I'll try it. Bacon sausage is a thing, right? Sounds like it could be a thing. But my mom, I used to go visit them. I grew up in Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania. Hold the applause. We're famous for one thing, Joe Namath. Yes, Joe Namath from Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania. My dad, true story, told Joe Namath, you should probably stick to baseball. So I'd go back and visit them years ago. And my mom, she got a black shower curtain once because she thought the mildew wouldn't show up. So she wouldn't have to clean it as often. So I'm visiting. I go to take a shower. I pull the curtain shut. I can't see shit. It is pitch black in there. I could develop pictures in there. So I go to reach for the soap. I finally find the soap, go to wipe down my armpit. My God, it was my dad's armpit. He was already in there taking a shower. It turns out that wasn't the soap. What do you think I grabbed? My dad's tallywhacker and wiped his own armpit with it? Well, that skipped a generation. Then my mom, they used to love going to Costco. That was her big thing. When she was in her 50s, she went to Costco and got a big lifetime-sized box of Kirkland maxi pads. Then she had menopause. She found other uses for them. She called me one day. She goes, OK, so you might want to put this in your act. I don't know. And my mom says that. I'm like, give me a pen. Hurry up. She goes, I have all these extra maxi pads, right? So I peeled the thing off. I stuck them I used them to dry out the bathtub. Look at this. It's amazing. Get the sides. My dad got the ones with wings. He could do the car, keep the sides of his hands dry. You know, this is where I actually thought, I thought those went sticky side up. That's why women complained about their period hurting so much. I'm like, well, yeah, that would hurt. I thought you stuck them on that way. I didn't realize it's a panty liner. You never know. You never know. We had a sick sense of humor in my family. My dad died. He had cancer when we found out that he had removed a tumor from his bladder. And it was almost like in a movie. I got out of my car at the hospital, just got off the plane, got my rental car, got to the hospital. I'm walking. And right as I'm walking, there's my mom. The doctor's walking down. He's like, all right, he's taking off. Surgery's over. Everything's good. It looks fine. It was just one tumor. It was like a golf ball-sized tumor. And my mom's response was, why are men's tumors always sporting goods? Like women get pea-sized, grapefruit-sized, men get golf balls, baseballs, maybe a football-sized goiter. That was her response. Then there was a point where my dad, he was in hospice care, and he couldn't talk anymore, but he would repeat something he heard. And he kept saying, water. Because I think they were trying to give him some water. And he would just go, water, water, water. It was really weird. And my mom and I looked at each other, because again, we have a sick sense of humor. This is where I came from. She's like, you think he'll repeat something else? I go, I don't know. So I went, schmuck. My dad's like, schmuck, schmuck, schmuck, schmuck. And I know he was laughing. He was all out of morphine, but I know he was laughing. And my dad was weird. My dad loved dates. Like when he found out he had cancer, it was Memorial Day. His Fourth of July weekends when he had his surgery. He was born on New Year's Eve. He was married. Is that your birthday, too? Yes, it is. Yay! But were you married on Thanksgiving? He was married on Thanksgiving, and he died on Halloween. He loved holidays. He loved to ruin them for my entire family. We think about it every holiday. We can't not. What was crazy, though, was it was October 30th. It was almost midnight. And the doctor's like, I mean, he's technically, like, he won't stop breathing. Like, he should have died like a day ago. Like, he's all morphined out. Like, what's going on? And I go, I think he wants to die on Halloween. That's my dad. And lo and behold, at 1231 AM, 1231 being his birthday, is when he took his last breath. And it's not like I just said, took us. Took his last breath. The other weird thing was, he had this thing where, like, the week before, he told my mom, I had a dream I died. And we knew it was coming to an end. But it was weird that he would have this dream. And so my mom, of course, what did it look like? He's like, everything was brown, and there were chickens everywhere. And you know how I hate chickens. So we get to the hospital. The last night he was staying, he was at one of the rehab centers here on the island. They took him over in an ambulance. And they're talking to him, like, Mr. Rosenberg, where are you from? And he goes, Chicago. My mom and I look at each other. He's never even been to Chicago. Why is he messing with these people? So we get to hospice. He's already out of it. He's already done his schmuckalog. He said schmuck a bunch of times. And we get into the room. They put us in the hospice care. It's over in Bremerton. And I have to say to my mom, look at the wall. The wall, solid brown. The doctor comes in. The guy looks and sounds like Adam Carolla. He's like, hey, how's it going? OK, listen, your dad's probably, you know, we're putting him on some morphine. I go, where are you from? He goes, Chicago. He goes, I was a Navy brat. I moved all over. But yeah, I grew up in Chicago. I think, oh, is that freaky? So my dad passes away. And we find a nice Jewish cemetery that's across from Hay Day Farms. And their logo is a chicken. So my dad saw brown chickens, which is a porno joke. I'll tell that later, maybe. Just popped in my head. Brown chicken, brown cow. So yeah, so that's my, that was my dad. I didn't, yes, love technology. I was one, I'm in that weird age group because I grew up when computers started. Like I got a, I got a Tandy TRS-80 color computer for my bar mitzvah. It had 4K of RAM. That was an upgrade from the 2K that came standard. So I kind of grew up in that. But now I'm getting that, I'm at the weird side. Now my son is 19 and he knows stuff. I'm like, holy, I have no idea what he's talking about. Like when I text, like I use the voice to text, which is really cool. Because you can just talk now and it just sends it off. And the other day I called a friend. I'm leaving a voicemail. And I'm like, hey Scott, exclamation point. Excited for the show next week, question mark. Oh shit, this is a voicemail. Delete, delete, delete. Hello? So he calls me back, what the hell was with your voicemail? I'm old. He's like, well, at least it was all spelled correctly. He has a voicemail, they don't spell. Then my car, I've got Apple CarPlay in my car. That's fun. It'll read me the texts. My mom texts me every morning with her Wordle. Every day I get the Wordle. If I'm in the car, it'll read it to me. It'll say, mom sent a text. It reads, one black emoji square. One black emoji square. One green emoji square. One yellow emoji square. One green emoji square. Did she get it in two? One green emoji square. Yes, one yellow. It will go on forever. Then my wife will leave me this big long text. And it'll just go, Becky sent you a text. It's just too long. Won't even read it. The photo that we did for this promotion for this show. Bruce, you here? No, he's not here. It's his anniversary. I'm like, he's like, I can come to your show or I can stay married. So I thought he'd be here. Okay. So Bruce, his name is Bruce McBroom. He's a very famous photographer. This is how famous he is. You guys have seen the Farrah Fawcett poster. He took that picture. The picture of the Beatles that they used with the four of them when the Beatles were on iTunes for the first time. That's the last photo ever taken of the Beatles together. He took that picture. So one day I said, hey, I need new promotional shots. Would you be willing to come out of retirement? He's like, no. This other guy in our group said, I'll take your picture and Bruce will direct. Bruce says, that I'll do. But then the other guy was out of town. So Bruce goes, okay, I'll do it. So we put the red curtain up. We shot it right here. Get the spotlight ready. Bring this really nice, expensive Nikon camera. Huge lens. Getting it all ready. He goes, all right, here we go. I'm wearing a velour jacket. That's how important it was. Click. Nothing happens. All of a sudden he's looking at his camera. Shaking his camera. Taking out the card. Pouring the carpet. Taking it back. He goes, you broke my camera. Literally the first picture. Broke his camera. So he used his iPhone 15, which just shows it's not the tool. It's the artist. And he took an amazing picture. And then afterwards he said, you were my second favorite subject other than Farrah. And I said, you're so full of shit. He goes, what do you mean? I go, okay, Farrah and then the Beatles. He goes, okay, okay, okay. Farrah and then the Beatles. Then you. I go, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Okay, Farrah, the Beatles, Archers, Warriors. Eddie Murphy. Okay, Peter Sellers. Okay, Billy Crystal. Finally, I'm number 733. And I'll take it. That's huge. Bruce McBroom took my picture. And it's awesome. So yeah, my wife is, we've been together like over 20 years. We've never had an injury until two weeks ago. You know, and everybody's like, oh, you shouldn't say that. Well, no, I'm saying because it's after the fact. She twisted her ankle a couple weeks ago. It was the first time either one of us had an injury in 20 years. Like, we didn't know how to handle that. Thank you. That's a good thing. I had to go to Rite Aid and buy crutches. Because I'm like, I mean, I guess I could have gone on Facebook. Anybody got crutches? And then like 30 people, I got crutches. I got crutches. Would you like to have your heater fixed? Or would you like to have your car detailed? You know, things would happen on Facebook that I wouldn't want to deal with. So we're sitting in urgent care for you guys. Eventual care is what they should call that. My mom wrote that joke. She's telling her friends right now. My mom texted me that. She's like, you mean eventual care? We're just sitting in the waiting room. And it's like, holy crap. Like, it's urgent. And like one guy's there. It's like he's missing his arm from like here up. I don't know how that works exactly. It's just nothing there. But this part's here. Dislocated shoulder guy. Snotty nose kid. There's a guy beside me. And I don't know what nationality he is. And you know, today's culture, we're very PC. You don't assume anything. So I'm looking at his little sheet. He's holding his intake form. I'm trying to figure out what his name is. I'm looking at it. It says Anol Fijor. I'm like, Anol Fijor. What is that? That's, is that Armenian? What is that? So I Google it. It was anal fissures. It was what was wrong with him, not his name. His name was Frank. That's bad. If you watch Curb Your Enthusiasm, I love that show. My wife's really, yes. My wife's really big with coasters. And so am I, because I respect wood like Larry David. But what my wife does that's crazy is we have good coasters. And we have everyday coasters. Like, I'll put a drink on it. She's like, no, no, no, no, no. You might get a water stain on that. That's its job. Its job is to suck water so it doesn't get on the wood. No, no, no. So what I've done is I actually created my own coasters that I take with me. And I put them on top of her coaster. It's a coaster condom. Or maybe a coaster duvet. And I had a whole bunch printed because I thought, OK. I was touring all over the place. And I'm like, you know, comedians sell merchandise. You know, they have t-shirts. And they've got, you know, DVDs. Do they have DVDs? Yeah. And they've got, you know, all kinds of swag. And they've got bags. And they've got car fulls. I'm like, I don't want. I've got 80 of these on me right now. It's perfect. But there is nobody wants to buy a coaster. So what I do is like a rock star. Because I love when rock stars have like 80 picks down their mic stand. And they're just like, yeah, all right, everybody. See if I can do a double. Over here. These front row people. There you go. Gotta get the front row. Oh, wow. You're not even left handed. Thank you. Good night. Why are you still here? What am I, Matthew Broderick? Danny Farris Bueller? Go home. It's over.