5 Signs It's Trauma Bonding NOT Love

If you frequently feel dismissed, belittled, or invalidated by the other person, it could be a red flag for manipulation. Have you ever left a conversation feeling drained, confused, or doubting your own reality? Do you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells around certain friends, afraid to speak up or express your true feelings? If these scenarios sound familiar, you may have encountered an emotionally manipulative person. In today's video, we're going to talk about the five signs you're engaging with an emotionally manipulative person. Emotionally manipulative individuals are those who use various tactics to control and influence others' thoughts, feelings, and behaviors for their own benefit. These tactics can range from subtle to overt, and they often involve exploiting others' vulnerabilities and emotions. And here's what makes it tricky. A lot of us grew up in homes where we learned it was our job to regulate other people's emotions. And because of that, we can feel controlled by someone else's emotional state. We can feel guilty for saying no or even obligated to do what they want. And sometimes that isn't about anything they're doing. It's about the way that we've been trained to interact with other people's emotions. If you identify with any of that, keep listening. Later in the video, I'm going to give you a few questions that you can ask yourself to be able to tell, is it me or is it them? Let's get into five signs of emotionally manipulative people, along with examples and illustrations to help you recognize them in your own life. Sign number one, guilt tripping. One common tactic used by emotionally manipulative people is guilt tripping. They can try to make you feel guilty or responsible for their emotions or actions, even when you've done nothing wrong. At its core, guilt tripping operates on the psychological mechanism of exploiting our sense of empathy, responsibility, and desire to maintain harmony in our relationships. They use guilt to get us to do something for them. But instead of just asking, they use guilt to motivate us instead. Let's consider an example. Imagine you have plans to spend the weekend with your friends, but your sibling suddenly becomes upset when they find out. They start laying on the guilt thickly, saying things like, I can't believe you would choose your friends over family. I always sacrifice my plans for you, but I guess that doesn't matter to you. They may even go as far as to bring up past favors they've done for you, making you feel indebted and guilty for considering spending time with others. In this scenario, the sibling is guilt tripping you by using emotional manipulation to make you feel responsible for their feelings and actions. They're trying to coerce you into canceling your plans and prioritizing their needs over your own by making you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with friends. Sign number two, playing the victim. Another red flag to watch out for is when someone constantly plays the victim in every situation. Emotionally manipulative individuals often portray themselves as victims to deflect responsibility and garner sympathy. As social beings, we have a natural tendency to empathize with others and feel compassion for those who are suffering. When someone plays the victim, they often exaggerate or fabricate their distress to evoke empathy and sympathy from others. Again, this is done to get us to do something they want without asking us directly for it. And here's an example. Imagine a scenario where a mother, Laura, and her adult child, Margo, are having a disagreement. Margo tells her mom that she was upset with her for how she treated her boyfriend and that she doesn't understand why she can't just be happy for her. Instead of acknowledging her daughter's upset, Laura goes into a long story about how Margo doesn't know how hard she has it. She tells her that she rolled her ankle last week and because she lives alone, she had to hobble herself to the urgent care in intense pain. She begins to cry as she tells Margo how much it cost and the intense amount of pain and suffering she's still feeling because of it. She never addresses Margo's concerns and instead focuses on all of the ways that she's been struggling lately. Now, I know this scenario might seem silly, but you can see how it can be challenging to hold individuals accountable when they adopt the role of the victim. Emotionally manipulative individuals utilize this victimhood as a shield, deflecting any attempts at addressing concerns or problems. As a result, you may find yourself hesitating to express your frustrations, fearing that you'll be perceived as piling it on or being unkind for voicing your legitimate grievances with their behavior, which means that the emotionally manipulative person got their way. They made you feel bad for them and they didn't have to own up to their hurtful behavior. Sign number three Gaslighting. Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where someone distorts reality. It makes you doubt your own perceptions and experiences. The manipulator intentionally seeks to sow seeds of doubt in the victim's perceptions, memories, and reality. The term gaslighting originates from the 1938 play Gaslight and its film adaptations in which a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her sanity by gradually dimming the gas lights of their home. I have a whole bunch of videos on gaslighting, medical gaslighting, 10 signs you're gaslighting yourself, signs your parents are gaslighting you, etc. So if you're interested in that, make sure you check out the videos linked below. Plus, make sure you like and subscribe to get additional content around this as it comes out. But let's look into an example of gaslighting. Imagine a scenario where two friends, Alex and Jamie, have been close for several years. Lately, Alex has noticed some concerning behaviors from Jamie, such as canceling plans last minute and making hurtful comments disguised as jokes. One day Alex gets her gumption up and she confronts Jamie about their behavior, expressing how the cancellations and the comments have been affecting her. Instead of acknowledging their actions, Jamie responds with gaslighting tactics by saying, what are you talking about? I was just joking and I didn't even say it like that. You're making that up and you're being way too sensitive and blaming me for things I didn't even do. In this example, Jamie's response involves several gaslighting tactics. They use denial and invalidation. Jamie denies the impact of their actions on Alex and invalidates their feelings by dismissing them as overly sensitive. Jamie also claims that they didn't say things the way that Alex remembers them. They also use minimization and trivialization. Jamie minimizes the hurtful comments as jokes, downplaying their significance and making Alex feel like their emotions are exaggerated, like they're being dramatic. Jamie also uses projection. They accuse Alex of being too sensitive, projecting their own insensitivity onto Alex and deflecting responsibility for their hurtful behavior. They also twist the truth. Jamie distorts the nature of the comments, portraying them as harmless jokes rather than acknowledging their hurtful intent, even going as far as to say that they didn't do what Alex is claiming. By labeling Alex as overly sensitive, Jamie undermines their confidence and self-esteem, making them doubt the validity of their feelings and perceptions. In this friendship, Jamie's gaslighting tactics serve to manipulate Alex's emotions and perceptions, preventing them from holding Jamie accountable for their behavior and maintaining control over the dynamics of the relationship. Recognizing these gaslighting tactics can empower Alex to set boundaries, seek support from trusted sources, and assert their own feelings and needs in the friendship. Sign number four, emotional blackmail. Emotional blackmail is a form of manipulation in which the manipulator uses threats, guilt, or other forms of coercion to control the behavior of another person. It often involves exploiting the victim's emotions, vulnerabilities, and fears to achieve the manipulator's desired outcome. They may threaten to withhold love, affection, or support unless you comply with their demands. Some even threaten to harm themselves if someone doesn't do what they want. Here's an example. Your friend threatens to end the friendship if you don't lend them money, even though you're struggling financially yourself. They say that if you really cared about them, that you would help. They use emotional blackmail to pressure you into giving into their demands, leaving you feeling guilty and trapped. Again, instead of asking for what they need and respecting someone else's abilities and boundaries, an emotionally manipulative person will use our care for them and our relationship as tools to get us to give them what they want. Sign number five, love bombing. Love bombing is when someone excessively showers us with attention and affection early on in a relationship. This can also happen in an already occurring relationship when they want something new from us. And it can be hard to see out of because, let's be honest, we all like attention and someone showering us with gifts can cause us to let our guard down and make us more amenable to their requests. For example, let's say Sarah meets John through a dating app. They hit it off instantly and John seems like the perfect partner. He bombards Sarah with constant attention, showering her with compliments and gifts and affectionate gestures right from the start. He texts her constantly throughout the day, professing his love and admiration for her. And within a week of meeting, John is already talking about moving in together, making grand plans for their future. He lavishes Sarah with expensive dinners, surprises her with extravagant gifts, and even introduces her to his family and friends as his soulmate. At first, Sarah's swept off her feet by John's overwhelming displays of affection. She feels cherished and adored, believing she's finally found her perfect match. However, as the weeks go on, she starts to feel kind of suffocated by John's constant attention and unrealistic expectations. Despite her attempts to express her need for some space, time on her own and boundaries, John becomes increasingly possessive and manipulative, using guilt and manipulation to keep Sarah from pulling away. Sarah eventually realizes that John's love bombing was a tactic to control and dominate her, rather than genuine affection. In this example, John's excessive displays of love and affection were a form of love bombing used to manipulate and control Sarah in the relationship. Okay, so those are five things you can look for in people's behavior if you're trying to figure out if they're emotionally manipulative. And as I mentioned earlier, manipulative people are usually going to make you feel used, uncertain, and guilty. But feeling emotionally manipulated doesn't always mean you're dealing with an actual manipulative person. Sometimes we might feel manipulated even when there's no deliberate manipulation occurring. And that can happen for a variety of factors, like past experiences, insecurities, and sensitivities. Our personal history and relationships can shape our perceptions, causing us to interpret innocent actions or statements as manipulative. Additionally, unresolved emotions or traumas from previous experiences can amplify our sensitivity to certain behaviors, leading us to perceive them as manipulative when they're not intended as such. Furthermore, our own internal struggles, such as low self-esteem or fear of conflict, can contribute to feelings of being manipulated, even in situations where no manipulation is present. For example, we could not have communicated our upsets and then feel gaslit when someone acts like it's not a big deal or brushes off our passive-aggressive behavior. It's important to recognize the difference between genuine manipulation and our own internal responses and to seek support or professional help if we find ourselves frequently feeling emotionally manipulated in situations where it may not be warranted. As a good check-in, let me share some questions to ask yourself if you're feeling manipulated but you're not sure. Are they being manipulative or is it just you? Am I constantly prioritizing other people's needs over my own? If you find yourself consistently sacrificing your own well-being to accommodate other people's demands, it might be a sign of codependency or people-pleasing inside of you. We could find ourselves doing things we didn't really want to and feel tricked into it when in reality we said we would and were the ones that put their needs ahead of our own. Do I feel responsible for managing other people's emotions or solving their problems? Feeling overly responsible for someone else's emotional state or constantly trying to fix their issues can indicate codependent tendencies within ourselves. This could come from our past trauma or family dynamics growing up. Do I often doubt my own perceptions or reality after interacting with this person? If you frequently feel confused, invalidated, or gaslit after conversations with this person, it might be a sign that they're emotionally manipulative. Do I feel coerced or pressured into doing things I don't want to do? Feeling obligated to comply with someone else's demands or experiencing guilt tripping and emotional blackmail are common signs of manipulation, especially if it's happening only in this one relationship. Do I feel empowered and respected in this relationship or do I feel controlled and diminished? Reflect on how the relationship makes you feel overall. Healthy relationships should foster mutual respect, autonomy, and support, whereas manipulative dynamics often involve control and a power imbalance. Am I able to set and enforce boundaries in this relationship? Difficulty setting boundaries or feeling guilty when asserting your needs can indicate codependency. Conversely, if the other person consistently disregards your boundaries or reacts negatively when you assert them, that may be a sign of manipulation. Do I feel validated and understood in this relationship or do I feel invalidated and dismissed? Healthy relationships involve open communication, validation, and mutual understanding. If you frequently feel dismissed, belittled, or invalidated by the other person, it could be a red flag for manipulation. How did that go for you? Was it hard to answer those questions? Did you feel guilty or shameful about your answers? It's important to check in on our relationships to ensure they're still serving us, especially when we're working so hard on ourselves, hoping to change patterns and improve. If you have follow-up questions to this, I want to hear them. Share them in the comments. And as I was writing this, I was wondering if it would be helpful to do something on emotionally manipulative parents. Are you interested in that? Let me know. And don't forget to like and subscribe to keep up with how we dive deeper into this.