Kate Beckinsale’s Phallic Family Traditions | CONAN on TBS

First of all, you looked like you were having a terrific time at the Golden Globes last night. You were laughing so hard. You co-presented with Seth Rogen. And his erection, yes. Yes, there were three of you up there. What was so sad was it was barely discernible. I mean... Oh my goodness. I never would have known. Oh, sorry, Seth. Seth made a joke about being in that state and you just could not stop laughing the whole time. And I thought, is this the kind of humor that you're okay with? I do like a penis joke. You do. Right? Doesn't everybody? In your household, is that the kind of thing? Like in my family, no one makes those kinds of jokes. Penises aren't funny at all. Everyone's very uptight, yeah. Really? No, my family, what we have as a tradition in my family even now, and whenever I visit my mother's house, I always have to leave, you know, a banana and two apples or whatever fruit she has in a penis shape in her fruit bowl. You know, just to rearrange her fruit bowl. This is stuff you do with your mom? Well, just so she thinks of me when I... So that's just... I mean, that is as far removed from anything that would happen at my house as possible. But literally everyone does that? Is it just you or just in the whole house? My daughter's taken... My daughter's actually in an arts and crafts store with my husband the other day and she did it with some pretend fruit and vegetables, which is really bad because she's only 13. So that's quite bad. But it's nice that we have a family tradition. It just seems like every family has its own tradition. And ours is penis based. Yeah, penis. Now, is it confined to just rearranging fruits? I wish it was. No, there was a horrible incident. I was doing a movie in Montreal once and my mother had come out to visit me on it and we'd sort of had a little bit of an argument and she was leaving for the airport and it was just kind of slightly awkward. And my makeup artist had given me, I don't know why, for Easter, this sort of enormous penis. I'm not sure why. It's happened to me before. A lot of my kind of gay friends would give me a penis shaped item. But it was a penis. It was a penis, a rubber one. Yes, yo. I was gonna say. Did anyone show up looking for it? So it was a rubber, yeah. It didn't... It's called a dildo. No, Sammy! So sorry about him. I don't know if it technically was. It didn't turn on or switch on. Well, not all of them do. No, but it was quite wobbly as well. So it was honestly no joke. It was about that long. So about average size. And about that wide. So I don't know. I don't think a human could actually accommodate it. I think it was decorative. It was definitely decorative. It wasn't practical. It wasn't functional. Anyway. Well, you can use it on your fishing pole for when you get the fish up. Put them out of their misery. Yeah. Anyway, this is a very long, horrible story. My soul has left my body. I'm up in the rafters right now watching everything happen below me. So you had this. Someone had given it to you as a joke. I've been doing this. And I kept sort of stashing it. It was, I think, for my daughter to find it. Obviously, it's a little bit of explaining to do. So I kept sort of stashing it in my trailer in different spots. And anyway, my mother and I had this sort of awkward moment. And I thought, oh, I'm just going to put it in her hand luggage when she goes to the airport. And maybe that'll somehow cheer us up. So I did that. You snuck this thing into her hand luggage. And she's headed to the airport where, undoubtedly, a hundred people are going to watch a security person. Yeah. I was hoping. Or several. I was hoping. And my mother's very kind of English. And also, you know, 64. So it would have been doubly funny, anyway. But I didn't let it. I was going to let it get to that point. But my makeup artist was so horrified that I'd done it that he said, no, you've got to call her in the car. I said, we've gone off in this quite awkward moment, you know. And then I had to call her up and say, look, I'm really sorry. But just look in your bag. And she kind of went, oh, my god. OK. Oh, I can't believe you've done it. Oh, my god. What are we going to do with it? And I said, well, stash it under the seat of the car, maybe. And she said, no, it's a town car. Oh, for god's sake. There's no under the seat. What am I going to do with it? So I think she sort of, poor woman, somehow had to sort of dump it in the airport. How can you dump that? Well, it was hard. Surreptitiously. How can you in any way, you know what I mean? How do you just, you've got to throw it somewhere. I mean, she said she dumped it. Maybe she did. I think that stores easily in the overhead compartment, is what I think.