My Son’s Girlfriend Has Him Whipped

[Music] brought to you by the every dollar app start budgeting for free today today's question comes from Victoria in Kansas Victoria asks my son is 21 and has been living with his girlfriend since they graduated high school she's taken over his life and money to the point that he has cut off contact with me three times she grew up oh man already she stepped in it she grew up with limited means and I was a single parent but did well financially I showed him how to save money and be fr I raised him to earn the things he wanted before cutting off contact with me this time he said that they have leased brand new matching cars and he now has credit cards to build credit at this time if anything were to happen to me I would not feel comfortable leaving him any of my assets this girl has driven a wedge between us and I don't want her to have a single red scent of my hard-earned money I fear he will give her everything any advice on how to get him to come home and if he doesn't should I go ahead and remove him from my Will O yeses all right so um a couple of things here Dave's talked about this pretty eloquently and I won't be as eloquent but when your son's 21 and he moves out you are now in the influence business not in the dictation business in the dictator business when you have a 16-year-old in your house you can kind of say here's what you're going to do right uh when they're 21 and they've moved in with a romantic partner and they're out they don't have to do what you say so Victoria you worked really hard single House s single mom you busted your butt you want to make sure they learned some lessons some real important stuff it's heartbreaking to watch your son living a life that you worked so hard for him to not live I get it it's heartbreaking you have some hard choices to make so a you got to grieve it you had this picture of how it all going to work out he was going to marry someone who's amazing yall going to be close that picture is not reality right now number two you I say this with all due respect ECT your best bet is to become someone who is likable and what I mean by that is if every time you're with him you're lecturing him if every time you call him or talk to him he knows you hate his girlfriend and you want to make sure he nobody wants to be around that person if he knows yeah I know where my mom stands on these issues we don't share values but my mom loves me and I feel after being around my mom then you've got a better chance at influencing and that's not being likable does doesn't mean I'm going to sign up for everything he's interested in I'm not going to like say oh sure to any all of his crazy ideas but he knows I love him and I'm not going to lecture him every time I'm gonna hug him right so that's number two number three here's a hard thing man if you don't want to give him your money don't give him your money if he is living a life and is expressing his life with values you don't agree with um then don't give him your money don't not give him his money be cuz because you hate his girlfriend right that's a weird I guess here his girlfriend is going to spend it doing dumb things and I get that but I think Victoria this is worth having a conversation and if I'm a parent is I would start it I have divided us up over issues and I'm sorry you know how I feel about moving with your girlfriend you know how I feel about leasing cars you know that you're my son and I love you to the end of time um I've got some I've got some pretty hard and fast rules around my money and I'm making my will before I just leave it all to you you got to know I can't I can't I feel like I'm enabling these Behavior if I give you this money you got to have that hard conversation don't leave it to the executive of your will to have the hard conversation for you that conversation going break it to him 30 years from now hey by way you get nothing son you get nothing because you moved with your girlfriend 21 like don't do that have the hard have the courage to have the hard conversation you're the parent um but this is about influence now this is about love and connection um it's not about I'm going to tell him cuz he's 21 he's out he's no longer living by your rules and in your home and that's so hard for a parent George you and I both have young kids I can't imagine that you know what I mean tough and the other thing is I hope this is a season I mean he's 21 you know at 18 when you're dating a girl it's very different than at 25 or 35 when your prefrontal cortex is fully developed yeah you know what I knew at 21 I knew everything I knew everything and uh there's that old that great I'll screw it up that old great Mark Twain quote when my dad was 14 he was the the dumbest man who ever lived and when I talked to him again when I was 21 I was stunned at how much my dad had learned in seven years right like like that's true at 21 you're a so here's the thing the chances of this relationship not working out strong to quite strong and if you have burned the bridge he knows you are not a safe place for him to come home to not that you're going to agree with everything you're not a safe place for him to come home to he won't he'll go somewhere else he'll go into the arms of some other goofball or he'll run to a house full of knuckleheaded men that you know whatever let him know like come H high water you're my son and I love you always and you can always come home she can't come with you I don't like her you can always come I'm reminded of the prodigal son I can't help but think about that Parable and there was no caveats where he went well if you lease a car you're not coming back here son don't even think about it there'll be no Feast for you I'll meet you in the street cuz I'm so excited to see you exactly and so I obviously the analogy breaks down pretty quickly here but I still think there's an element of that just open-handed love and connection don't make it about the financial matters make it about the love and the relationship cuz if you make it transactional and go well you're only going to get this in the will if you don't lease a car the relationship's over right I sign because you have made it transactional I will exert my power over you even after I'm dead well then cool keep your money I'm going to move on with my life and if I sign a piece of paper that says I get XYZ when you pass away well our relationship is largely over that's what it's based on if it is I'm your mom till the end of time and hey I can't you know me well enough I can't put money in that account if that's how you're choosing to to live you know that I know that that's a different conversation there create your free every dooll budget today the simplest way to budget for your life