3 things to NEVER do with your loved one with dementia

Hey there Care Blazers, Dr. Natalie here and welcome back to the place where we talk about everything dementia. In today's video, I'm going to share with you the three things to never ever do with your loved one who has dementia. These three tips will not only help make your life a lot easier, it will lower the chances that your loved one is going to feel agitated and have a lot of behavioral outbursts during the day. So stay tuned. If this is your first time here at Care Blazers TV, welcome. Hit the subscribe button if you want to be a part of our community. Tip number one is do not argue with your loved one who has dementia. Just don't. Arguing with your loved one is going to make the situation worse and it's also going to be more likely that your loved one's going to get agitated and start having some of those difficult behaviors that make your life so hard. So instead of arguing, instead you just want to acknowledge what they're saying, what they're going through, give a brief response, and then redirect whenever possible. So here's an example. Your mom with Alzheimer's disease is accusing you of stealing her purse when in reality she just misplaced it as she usually does. So what you don't want to say is, Mom, I didn't steal it. You just lost it again. Remember the last time you misplaced it and thought I stole it and then we found it later? That's going to lead to a lot of frustration and probably some backlash from your mother. So the things that are wrong with that response is that number one, you disagreed with your mom and that's going to lead to some agitation, anger on her part, at least increase the chances she's going to act that way. And number two, you also asked her to remember a time in the past where she was also wrong. So she's probably not going to remember that time in the past and then you're just highlighting the fact that she can't remember. So for several different reasons, that's not a good response. Instead, you might want to try something like, I'm sorry mom, I'll help you find it. And then you want to distract by offering a snack, going for a walk, watching TV. In this particular situation, since it's a situation that happens often, misplacing her purse, hopefully you'll have done some detective work in the past and you'll figure out where her usual hiding spots are. That way you'll know where to go look and help recover the purse. All right, so tip number one, do not argue. And in case you missed it, I will put a link to a previous video I did that was all about what to do if your loved one is misplacing items a lot. Tip number two, do not try to correct your loved one. Here's an example, your father who has vascular dementia starts to talk about how he went to work yesterday and has to go back to work tomorrow, even though in reality he hasn't worked in 10 years. You don't want to say, dad you don't work anymore, you're retired. Instead, you might want to try to use your active listening skills and nod, smile, say that's nice or okay and then move on to something else. No need to correct him, let him talk and your life will be much easier and he will be content to go along talking and sharing what he believes to be true. There's no harm, let it be. Tip number three, do not try to reason with your loved one. Trying to reason with your loved one is a losing battle because they no longer have the ability to reason and you can't win, so to speak, with your loved one who doesn't have the ability to reason through what you're saying. So for the next example, let's say your loved one is convinced that someone is trying to break into their home and steal her remote control. Don't say, mom no one is trying to steal your remote control, no one is after you. Instead, you might want to say something like, you know I talked to your neighbor and they caught the guy and scared him away, he won't be coming back or I talked to the police and they caught the person who was trying to steal your remote control, they won't be back. By just joining in and what they're saying and being on their level, you can offer a brief short response that addresses their underlying emotion, that addresses their need and then you can move on and distract to something else. So it's not about actually making sense in your world, it's about making sense in their world. Let's recap. The three tips are, number one, do not argue with your loved one, number two, do not correct your loved one and number three, do not try to reason with your loved one. If you can master and avoid doing these three things, your life as a dementia caregiver will be much easier and less frustrating and it's going to make your loved one better because you're not challenging them in a way that they can't understand. So it's a win-win for both of you. Careblazers, I hope this video has been helpful to you and because a lot of the ways to respond to your loved one are best done through active listening and therapeutic listening, I made a handout that gives you some tips on what to do and how to respond to your loved one when they are saying things that either are untrue or don't make sense or that are just flat out wrong. It's a way for you to help connect with them, avoid any escalating frustration and irritability and then help them move on to something different. So if you're interested in that handout, there'll be a link below this video. Careblazers, I hope this has been helpful. I will see you next week. Thanks for tuning in.