Asshole-ism: If a workplace has respect and kindness | Catherine Mattice | TEDxYouth@ElliotStreet

I have a very, very important question. Are you ready? Do you like candy, chocolate, sweet stuff? Raise your hands. All right. I'm in good company. When I was 16, I worked in the candy store in my local mall. It was a fantastic place to work. The walls were covered with brightly colored pictures. The store was well lit. And the customers always had smiles. Every time I went to work, I was surrounded by all shapes and sizes and colors of yummy stuff. The work environment was pretty chill. We were all young, full of hopes and dreams, not yet jaded and untouched by the burdens of adulthood. The store manager and my co-workers were all fun and kind. At least, that was my first impression during the first few months. And then it started. One night, I was working with just another person, the assistant manager and I. My assistant manager was an 18-year-old guy. He wasn't abrasive or rude, but he did dump all of his work on me. And as the days went by, he continued to do that. I didn't push back. Don't ask me why. I didn't know what to do. I didn't tell my parents. I guess I thought I should handle it on my own. Plus, this was my first real job, and I took a lot of pride in that. And I was also probably a little bit embarrassed about being picked on. As the days went by, or the days turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months, and I continued to put up with all that he dished out. One night, we were working together, and I was trying to finish my and his work. And I was wiping down the candy bins, and he called me over. And he said, Catherine, what are you doing? And I said, I'm trying to finish our work so we can go home. And he said, what about the rest of the work? What work? I'm almost done. And that is when he told me to get down on all fours and scrub the grout underneath the candy bins with a toothbrush. You can start over there. With a toothbrush? Really? Are you serious? Yeah. Get started. Have you ever been in an unfair situation like that? Have you ever been forced to do something against your will? Raise your hands. Have you ever been put in an embarrassing situation or mistreated? Raise your hands and look around. You're not alone. And how did you feel about it? Helpless? Angry? Disrespected? All of it? Me too. It's natural to feel that way. So there I was on all fours scrubbing the grout with the customers milling around me. And I don't know if they were or not, but I could certainly feel them staring at me, taking pity on me. But I had been taught to do what your boss asks, be helpful, follow directions. And so at 16, I didn't dare stand up to him. I was so furious. And I was definitely, definitely embarrassed. After a while, the next time I worked with Diane, my store manager, I summoned all of my courage and I told her everything. And I could tell based on her reaction that this was not news to her. She had heard this type of thing before. She listened to me. And then she offered her solution. Well, Catherine, I could make you an assistant manager too. If I promote you to assistant manager, then you're equal. And he can't force you to do stuff anymore. Wow. Promotion? What would you have done if you were in my shoes? To her, it was a simple solution. But I wanted action. I wanted justice. I wanted her to talk to him. And in that instant, I grew up. My heart broke. I learned that the world isn't always fair, that justice isn't always served, and that managers won't always do the right thing. I decided to decline the offer of promotion. Being his equal didn't seem like a good idea. To me, indeed, there was a simple solution. She had the power to talk to him. She was the store manager. She had the ability to make it stop. And I thought, Diane, why won't you help me? Why won't you talk to him about forcing me to clean the grout on all floors with a toothbrush and dumping his work on me? But it was pointless to answer these questions. I didn't know it then. I know now, 30 years later, that conflict avoidance, this reaction that Diane had, is very, very common. Managers would much rather address the target than the person engaging in bullying. And they address the target by counseling them, transferring them, or even firing them. I was lucky. I had a manager who wanted to promote me, I guess. You might be surprised to know that there are 40 years of academic research on the topic of workplace bullying. And researchers use the technical term weak leaders to describe managers like Diane, who don't have the tools to step in. I got to ask, are you a manager who, like Diane, has absolutely no idea what to do when somebody complains about something like bullying? Just to give you some examples, after years and years of employees complaining to the employer about one of my clients for chastising and criticising people, the employer only took action after somebody had a panic attack, after years of enduring abuse. Many people had complained. Many people had quit. But it was the medical emergency that inspired the employer to take action. And this can happen in school, too. You might have a student who mistreats others or misbehaves, and the teacher or the professor doesn't step in. Maybe that student is seen as valuable. Maybe they're valuable because of sports or studies, or they have money or clout. And so the teacher or the professor allows them to mistreat others. Have you ever been bullied or witnessed bullying? So in my 20s, I again found myself working with someone who engaged in workplace bullying. This time, I was the director of HR. And so I saw firsthand the kind of damage that this behavior causes an organisation. I spent a lot of time counselling. I spent a lot of time venting to other people. And I spent a lot of time dealing with things like turnover and the damage that he was creating for the organisation. I, too, felt bullied. While I was working there, I decided to get a master's degree in human communication and organisational communication. And I ended up doing all of my graduate research on the topic of workplace bullying. So I joke, but kind of seriously, about having a master's degree literally in workplace bullying. These days, I run a consulting firm turning around toxic behaviour and toxic workplace cultures. And part of what I do is coach executives and leaders in Fortune 500s and doctors and lawyers and other high performers who have lost their way in how to lead and communicate. I help them figure out they don't have to be a bully in order to lead and communicate. Workplace bullying is repeated, intimidating, hostile and abusive behaviour aimed at anyone for any reason. It includes aggressive communication, humiliation and manipulation. In contrast, harassment is all of that, but it's aimed at a protected characteristic, race, disability, sex, gender identity. Workplace bullying can also include workplace violence. So for example, overt aggressive body language like getting in someone's personal space, slamming your fist on a desk or throwing things, these are all behaviours I've seen in my coaching practice and they indeed count as workplace violence. So employers are not doing enough to educate their employees about workplace bullying. So the employer and the managers who work there allow the behaviour to escalate over time and it gets more frequent, more aggressive, more blatant. In fact, the lack of information on workplace bullying is so vast that a lot of people don't even know they're being bullied. For example, in 2015, some research published in the IIMK, it's a peer-reviewed journal, they published that while 9% of their survey respondents self-identified as being bullied, 47% of the survey respondents were actually bullied when the researchers looked at the list of behaviours and the frequency or how often those behaviours occurred. So I am convinced that everyone at some point in their life is going to come across workplace bullying, whether as a target or a witness. So I have painted a very bleak picture for you and I apologise for that. But that means I have to give you some tools. So step number one, you've got to dig deep into your soul and figure out what are you afraid of when it comes to standing up against workplace bullying. Research on resilience finds that if you can think of a problem as a challenge rather than an obstacle that can't be overcome, you're much better able to figure out a plan. So let's come up with a plan right now here together. So again, first tip, dig in your soul, what are you afraid of? What are you afraid of when it comes to speaking up for what's right? Are you afraid of retaliation? Are you afraid of making it worse? Are you afraid that it's none of your business and you should stay out of it? The second step is to dissect those fears. Figure out what's real and what's your mind running wild. And I would recommend doing that with your peers and colleagues so that together you can figure out how to positively influence the situation together. Your third step is to take a stance and be an upstander. Being an upstander is anybody who can positively influence a scenario in any way. It could be as simple as standing next to the person who's at the receiving end of abuse. It could be reporting bullying to a manager or HR, or it could be telling the person engaging in bullying that you don't appreciate the way they treat others. One of my favorite tips for being an upstander is to ask a question. The person asking a question in a conversation is the person who holds the power. So you could try an innocent, hey, did you know that you're yelling? Or you could try, hey, do you mean to talk down to Margaret? Or you could try, hey, did you notice yesterday in the meeting that when you crossed your arms and made a joke at someone's expense that the tone of the meeting changed? Of course, this all could work at school too. You might try, hey, did you know that he feels targeted and is in a lot of pain? It might help you to know that people who engage in workplace bullying actually don't do it because they enjoy it. They do it, at least at work, because they want results. I'm not making excuses. I'm just telling you what I know. People who engage in bullying at work do it because they want results. And they're so focused on getting results that they've lost their way on treating others with dignity. So the fourth tip is to stand by your core values. Assuming that everyone in here includes being ethical in their core values, then I need to tell you that being ethical does not only include you behaving ethically. It also includes stepping in when somebody else is being unethical. So in summary, the four steps, figure out what is it that you're afraid of when it comes to standing up. Dissect those fears and figure out what you can overcome. Take a stance, be an upstander, and stand by your core values at all times. Now, if I could turn back time, I would have stood up for myself much sooner. I would have spoken to Diane much sooner. And when asked to clean the grout on the floor with a toothbrush, I would have refused and insisted on speaking to Diane first. And in a perfect world, Diane would have confronted the assistant manager. And after some fact finding, she would have taken action. She would have maybe tried to coach him. And if the coaching didn't work, she would have disciplined him. So I'm here today to remind you that you have the power and the courage to stand up against workplace bullying. Say yes to being an upstander. Say yes to living an empowered life. And say yes to being that upstander. So remember, the next time you witness or experience workplace bullying, take a stance and be an upstander. Thank you.