Series 11: Best Bits | Live at the Apollo | BBC Comedy Greats

Can I apologize to every woman in this room for the ludicrous shite that you have had foisted upon you in the name of what we find horny. Some of which I know you only do in a kind of because you think it's kind of an ironic little joke you know all that kind of boo-boo-boo-doo shit right that we can occasionally get you to do because you think it's a joke you're going ha ha ha this is kind of a funny joke isn't it and we're going yeah yeah just keep doing it right no but you're enjoying this on an ironic level sure whatever just sing santa baby one more time I mean lingerie is a perfect example of an entire global industry based around this not ludicrous clothing right if you're ever with a woman and she comes out dressed in lingerie and this is what you like is it you never feel more like an ape in a simian research laboratory as a kindly scientist from a superior species tries to fathom how your lower brain works is this what you like is it show me on the flash cards if this is what you like banana banana throw rope tie and rope banana banana tie right I mean stockings are a great example of this a ridiculous item of clothing but incredibly specific this is where the sexy is this exact height is where the sexy is don't be going lower than this no no hanging you've gone below the knee ah pop socks fuck off no how do we go from this is the best thing you could possibly wear this is the worst thing this is the worst thing you would ever wear that is an eight inch journey from one part of the leg to another no yes yes yes yes yes yes no no no no but ah jesus put on some slippers and a house coat and let's knock the whole thing on the head bring it up bring it up bring it up over the knee oh lovely japanese school girl loving it oh french maid saucy no no no you've gone too far I know you've gone too far now right you said lift it up is this too far yes yes back down again back down again this is where the sexy lives this exact specific height is where what what is it in men communally at some primal level that makes us go do you know what I like I like a woman who looks like she's been partially dipped in ink not so much in waders it turns out otherwise men would be gathered by riverbanks constantly during angling tournaments going look at him in the water look at him that dirty dirty fisherman in the water you're like me waders boys juggling waders my feet are dry entire industry's based around being sexually attractive to men that missed the point entirely it must be a decade and a half since I've been in a pole dancing club but I remember looking at the lady hanging off the pole or spinning on the pole or hanging upside down off the pole and you're there going well done pet that's fantastic who are you doing that for exactly I just want to look at you I could revolutionize the pole dancing industry with one move just stand next to the pole take out one boob bang it against the pole that is all we need to see there are two types of people in this room and we are drawn to each other the relaxed person hey man life's too short I don't even make lists sometimes I get out of bed so what if there's rubbish on the living room floor who cares life's too short to get stressed oh look a sock with ebola in it who cares man that'll take care of itself next week a traffic jam that doesn't matter we can play a word game it doesn't matter traffic jam how about I smash the sat-nav off the window and ruin the day two types of people group a relaxed group b uptight list making neurotic angry and we are drawn to each other and the time where you get the most battles is sleep group a sleepers you're the most smug annoying bastards to me I can sleep anywhere anytime I'm just so good at sleeping I've been like it since I was a kid mum said even like she put me in the pram and I drift off even in the middle of a party I can sleep anywhere anytime sometimes I go to Glastonbury and sleep against the speaker just against the technical arseholes group a then there's my group group b where are you we need perfect conditions for sleep we need blackout curtains 20 degrees celsius perfect mattress I've heard a pin drop I'm going to think about Syria till 5am and the most annoying thing of all they're drawn to us if you are sat here tonight in a relationship you are probably sat next to someone from the opposite freaking group yeah they like to marry us their goal is to fall asleep next to us with this face do you know how many times you had a fist hovering over that head do you want to sleep forever you can sleep forever if you like nothing stops them falling asleep nothing nothing stops these bastards falling asleep oh my god I've been made redundant there's no way I'm gonna be able to no difference you've lost your job have a bit of insomnia where's your self-respect nothing wakes these mugs either nothing did you hear the storm last night was there a storm a tree came through the window oh yeah what about when they do this one oh I'm not feeling too good myself this morning why I had too much sleep too much I find 12 hours really over refreshes you and messes you arseholes they don't recline a seat that can be reclined how annoying is that it's a four-hour drive you might want to put the seat back no need you know the dead bird head for five hours hitting your speed bump a bit aggressive on purpose nothing are we there already it went to I bet it did dick with me driving they can sleep anywhere some of you tonight some of you watching at home are having a better evening why because you had a little power nap this afternoon I'm just gonna I'm gonna nip it apart skip I'm gonna get my foot so I can sleep or here right they can just do it like it's a skill like popping out for a news but I'm just gonna go and get some sleep I need my bedtime yeah my bath my lavender temple rub audio book most gentlemen need an erotic horlicks as well right I need that or I can't fall as really I could just sleep there there's no bed it's okay there's a spike and some fiberglass I'll just rest against that oh itchy spike they drink red bull all night they fall asleep after a night of vodka red bull some of them even do this should we go to bed no no I'm gonna have a coffee in the kitchen I'll meet you up there a coffee on the way to bed the number one wake-up drink the piss takers yeah an espresso and I'm out so I was in Australia right what a place I don't any Australians here see they sound like nice people don't they they're not they're horrible right you don't know this but you see you see them on the telly on Bondi rescue just gone look we just rescued that guy aren't we nice yes we are nice we're always nice look at this it's nice here do you want a smoothie that'd be nice we're nice they say terrible things right and the reason why they can say terrible things is that they live miles away and you can't get to them on time they'll say something terrible it'll take you four days to get there right then by the time you get there you forget where you went there right so while I was there right oh yeah so I left the place so I was leaving because my friend Tom he's from Perth right and he said where are you going I says well I'm going back to Britain and Ireland you know I'll be there for the summer and he went would that be nice this time of day yeah that'd be nice I went well no not really yeah you're pretty shit actually he'd never left Australia what do you mean well you know it's not gonna be as hot as here but it'd still be nice but no it'd be kind of rainy and then sunny and then rainy again and then sunny then cold then really then freezing then shit getting cloudy rainy with a bit of snow don't know right I said Britain and Ireland you know they're quite cold they're quite drafty places right and I couldn't believe this he looked at me and he went what's a draft what's a draft I don't want I said what do you mean you don't know what a draft is what is it well it's uh it's in your house you know that's where it exists it's from it goes into the bottom of the house and goes upstairs and uh it's a draft surely you know what a draft is because there's a breeze in your house because it's the front door no no that's closed and there's a draft excluder along the bottom here in the shape of a snake to stop any type of wind getting in and your dad has gotten some tissue and stuffed it in the bottom lock right stop any more breeze I said when I was a kid in the 80s I used to sleep in the box room he went now what the fuck is a box room I said that's where children were sent in the 80s to freeze to death right anyone remembers that two outer walls in the house you just shivering your arse off right unbelievable cold right that room was so cold I swear it's true as I'm standing here my mum used to set her trifle in that room right I'd be asleep okay next minute the door would just sneak open my mum would just come in with her trifle that's grand now I'll just pop that there that'll set lovely I'll ignore the freezing child there like in Britain Ireland this is it we are the only people in the world that will go asleep to this noise we don't mind we will go asleep in our freezing cold rooms beside a window and we will go asleep to this we're the only people in the world to do this we'll lie down and go asleep to something else happened recently that I'd never thought would happen for me I got married very recently they changed the law we now have equal marriage in this country meant I could marry my girlfriend of 17 years I'm very happy she's very very lucky and um it's great though I'm very proud to live in a country that now has equal marriage I think it's a wonderful thing people went out and campaigned for my right to have an equal marriage and for that I'm terribly proud and delighted equality equality within marriage that's a whole different parade isn't it come on don't tell me I'm the only person in this room that's ever looked at their other half and thought to themselves I'm probably the better one in this relationship I mean you wouldn't say it would it but you thought it probably the team leader of this little outfit we've got going on here she's Dutch my wife she speaks brilliant brilliant English they're fabulous the Dutch when it comes to languages so it makes it doubly funny when she gets something wrong so we were at home a few weeks ago um watching a program about people in persistent vegetative comas and um I know we don't have Netflix you've got to watch what's on literally a slave to the schedule and it was quite upsetting obviously given the subject matter and at one point I turned to the wife she's having a little cry I was like oh god awkward I said I said are you all right you're are you all right she turned to me she went I'm I'm not sorry I'm not I'm finding this very upsetting and I need you to promise me something after watching this documentary and I said I will promise you anything my darling what is it you need me to promise you I need you to promise me that if you truly love me you will switch me off if I ever become a vegetarian obviously I made that promise can't have the poor cow suffering can we first mention of not rose she is out of here I am a mother my daughter's father and I are not together anymore but we are still really good friends is a lie I tell to protect her we are not good friends enemies I take her everywhere I go and she is such a cool kid she's called Violet she's six years old I took her to a charity event a little while ago it was a youth homeless charity and I went because Prince Harry would be there and I am normally not allowed within a hundred yards of that fine man and it was full of posh people and I've learned that posh people think that only other posh people care about them because they had a young man speak and he himself was once homeless I thought great we're gonna see some real world stuff no 18 year old boy comes up to the microphone three-piece suit he's like yeah so like a year ago my parents were totally micromanaging my life and so I left and I stayed on friends couches and in summer homes I was utterly homeless homeless unless the couch smells of piss and is outside a Tesco metro they withheld my trust fund do you have any idea how difficult it is to be on a juice cleanse when you're homeless I hated him I looked around the room trying to find the eyes of anyone else who hated this prick nothing they're all like yeah sounds bad there was silence in the room as he took a drink and my six-year-old goes white people I'm saying and he wasn't even white that's such a beautiful thing when a child can look beyond someone's skin colour see the white inside of him and I hate it well the ranger knocks on the door yeah and says do you and your mum want to stalk a rhino now it's not what you're thinking what you're wearing I'm outside no it's when you follow a rhino on foot yeah through the bushes and shit like this yeah now I didn't know if I wanted to do this with my mum because me and my mum had got beef right when I was growing up I was in the garden yeah and a bee came in the garden and my mum went pretend to be a flower then it will buzz away when you think about it bees love flowers don't they that's twisted shit I'm going on safari with this woman a lion pretend to be a leg of lamb so and we're the ranger yeah and he starts telling us about stalking a rhino obviously when you when you approach the beast if there's any sudden movement or noise just make small comfortable steps like this back to the jeep with no sound like so I got all cocky went hello of course I'm gonna do that I'm not a moron because I'm gonna make small comfortable steps back to the jeep but sound check out my dickhead next day me and my mum are walking up to this rhino like this through the bushes all of a sudden it turns around and goes I went I pushed my mum in front in crocs that's odd sure because that ain't my idea of fun do you know I'm saying the closest I've come to death is nearly choking on a barocca do you know what I'm saying my idea of brave is sticking my iPod on shuffle at a party that's brave why does everything have to be extreme that's what gets me do you know what I mean what's on the telly these days what do we have extreme fishing with robson green don't you what else extreme makeover what else extreme couponing that show is shit but it's like cracking eggs they watch it you go who watches this shit cut to four o'clock in the morning will she ever spend those coupons on bleach extreme weather weather's extreme innit you know who's loving the extreme weather don't you the weather forecasters innit they're loving the drama who's that one bbc weather in the morning scottish woman carol she's loving it and she's extreme weather she's dishing out advice now have you seen her it's gonna rain today so I'd wear a coat thanks carol what about when they start telling you the weather that's happening at the minute have you seen that it's sunny outside oh thanks carol I wonder what that fucking window was for what about when they tell you the weather that's happening at night who gives a shit who gives a shit it's gonna rain at one in the morning okay but a prostitute's going I'll be packing me waders people ask you really crazy stuff like look I've had men asking me are you shaky do you accept and I'm like well that depends on how good you are mate but despite this romantic boys are amazing aren't they and my perfect man has always been a poor Irish pervert poverty it's only true I met my boyfriend nine years ago now in Dublin and he opened his mouth and I was like yeah that was her we've got together quite a lot of people said oh my god it's amazing that you're going out with someone different well done it's only Irish we think about having babies because I love because I love my life um luckily guys you'll be pleased to know I have found a brilliant form of contraception oh yes it's when I put a condom on my boyfriend because the amount my handshake is all over before it begins but you know what seriously I love being wobbly like I see myself as totally normal you know but it was interesting because apparently when I was a baby the doctor told my parents that I would never lead a normal life who wants a normal life I want an amazing life when I was a kid I loved life I was so happy I was full of confidence and like I just loved it although oh my god I was so naughty get this yeah when I was about six years old I had to be tested for this mobility benefit this is basically when a woman come from my house watching me walk and decide if it's shit enough to give me money that's a bit right so I was quite nervous yeah so just before the test my mum sat me down and says no Tessie you don't have to walk you're very fit today go on Ian Duncan Smith would not be at his so he just has a walk my wobbly walk and just as a woman was about to leave I said to her must see you today and my poor mum mentally retarded too can't say that my English was any good when I first came over because I came over with school English and what does that mean so I didn't know any idioms didn't know any colloquialisms and next to no vocabulary the only thing I had was grammar because I learned that at school and I would say everything exactly the way it was written in my grammar book like I was you were he she was we were you were they were but now having lived in London for the past 13 years these days I go I was you was he she it was we was you was they was and of course that's what every other Herbert says oh for Herbert and I always wonder when I say we was how do people take that oh look at that Henning ever so well assimilated or do they go the other way what he has been living here all those years and he still can't get the most basic things right it's embarrassing well recently I got me answer I did a gig up north or up north in Bolton and and I got heckled with that wonderful line fuck off back to London any exact words were fuck off back to London you cockney wanker I've arrived finally paid off and these days I feel so comfortable even in very complicated social circumstances like the other day I was in a corner cafe and in that corner cafe there were builders like proper builders with hard hats on and they were drinking their cups of tea and they were having proper man conversation how is it all going down the building site mate oh don't ask some geezer well it's a base frame the wrong way round on the generator is a fucking palaver words along them lines and then I thought to myself I thought now hang on Henning hang on within this testosterone filled atmosphere is it still acceptable to ask for a latte I always say to ladi da so had to think on my feet I want one of them what you call them fucking latte I'm not very good on holidays I'm really bad on holidays I always thought I need to get away from it all I just want to get away from it all but the truth is I need to get away from this I want to get away from myself so when I get on holidays I'm always disappointed because I'm still there same shitty brain same shitty thoughts except now I'm covered in turquoise jewellery with a head full of cornrow eating a sodding solero I've got some sexy news ladies and gentlemen this year I was diagnosed with gallstones I asked my doctor I said oh why have I got gallstones and he went oh because you've got the four f's I was like go on and he goes fat open with it you've got four to choose from as about you are like a human being and put that one in the middle next one will be bloody funny he goes fat fair-skinned fertile and 40 so I was like okay well I'm not 40 so your little code there is a bit rude actually and he goes meh your code's wrong mate you can't meh that's not four f's or whatever you just said that's rubbish who taught you medicine meatloaf bad he goes oh it does say four I went yeah the four f's but now there's five f's I was like right what's the fifth one he goes flatulence fair enough yeah you're right there actually you did make me angry so yeah so now I'm on sort of a health kick well I'm not I'm thinking about a health kick it's enough innit um I'm a very unhealthy person very unhealthy have you ever ordered so much takeaway food that you're embarrassed when the delivery driver shows up genuinely I live alone and I order so much food that I've started going I'll get it he knows now he's like here you go you hungry little lunatic here you go and I'm a smoker and uh it's just so boring being a smoker I just wish they'd stop selling cigarettes trying to give up takes up so much your time the measures don't work you know every year like we're raising the price of cigarettes to deter the smoker and it's like no when you raise the price of cigarettes all you're doing is making poor people not buy fruit that's all that happens and the thing is latest one is they've gone uh we're going to cover that with blank packaging that's the latest one blank packaging like oh no not blank packaging please what will I do about my photo of rotten teeth I've had for the last 10 years and the thing is if they use those tactics on something else it was physically bad for you but that you weren't physically addicted to it would totally work if cheesecake became 17 pounds a packet and they cover the packaging in photos of massive fat gut with mascara stained tears the whole way down what am I bloody cheesecake because I'm not addicted to cheesecake I mean don't get me wrong I like a bit of cheesecake it's not addiction is it I've never been drunk at a party at midnight gone outside walked up to an absolute stranger hello mate sorry to our severe pain because I've had a drink I'm trying to give up you haven't got a spare bit of cheesecake aren't you sorry sorry I'll give you a pound take the pounds I might want another bit of cheesecake but it's not always easy being a man because you know I was on the quick check now how many men in here are proud to still be virgins any male virgins in the room one guy that's the thing as much as men talk about sex we hardly ever acknowledge the fact that we were virgins at some point we never acknowledge our virginity especially I grew up in south London where I never had the best sex education while I grew up you got sex tips like well you know what yeah if you drink coke and she drinks pepsi she can't get pregnant so it's not helpful not helpful I remember saying for me I remember what it was like to be like a virgin I remember when I first became sexually aware I woke up with two new friends my virginity and my libido but my libido was too weak and small and inexperienced to talk so my virginity did all the introductions he was like hey Dane I'm your virginity I'm gonna make sure that you remain pure and innocent and you can have sex for a very long time yay well how are you gonna do that virginity well basically I'm gonna make sure your voice never breaks it takes a really long time and you don't grow any pubic hair so you think you have a medical condition yay which obviously made it very difficult for me to speak to girls I'd be with the girl and be like hey Simone I really like you she'd be like oh I like you too Dane maybe we should take this to the next level and then my virginity would be like he does like you Simone but he likes PlayStation and FIFA and comic books and milkshakes and purity yay which was tough and then my parents would get involved my mum would say stuff like Dane your virginity keeps destroying your socks I'm not gonna buy you anymore under control and my virginity would chime in and be like he's just exploring himself and sex by himself is the safest way to have it yay and that was an early part of my teenage years until finally my libido got big enough and strong enough to approach me too and he came up to me one day too and was like hey Dane can I speak to you for a second please what's this about libido well it's about your virginity I was thinking it's about time that we got rid of him what are you saying I'm saying that we take him out permanently what are you guys talking about is it purity and innocence yay oh oh virginity I didn't realize you were here why don't you come along for a ride to Simone's house just like that after having that companion for 18 years my virginity was gone in seven minutes and 23 seconds that's two R&B songs thank you very much and the thing is I didn't really think I would miss my virginity but my life was a lot less complicated before sex came along because all I have left now is my libido and we have very different conversations compared to what I had with my virginity because I'll be out with my libido on a weekend and he'll be like hey Dane you see that girl in the dress over there and I'll be like yeah she must be cold it is November what the f**k did you just say oh um no yeah I mean no I see her oh uh boobies blah blah blah because that's the thing once like your libido awakens then it takes over your body as a man and becomes a CEO of your manhood and it's backed by the major shareholders the Bulls Brothers some very heartless capitalists down there not because it's tough because despite having the best moral intentions you've always got stakeholders with their own agenda because I'll come to them with very noble proposals like I'll be like hey guys I'm thinking about maybe giving part of myself to somebody getting out of the game settling down and raising a family and I'll say well Dane thank you for coming to the meeting while we understand your need for paternity leave there are still markets in Asia you have yet to exploit what does that mean it means until you've been with a blonde Eskimo you're never getting out the game okay lying there I've got a cheeky milk song I'm made of milk I'm coconut you're made of milk you're rice milk he's made of milk he's almond we're all middle class milk do you remember when milk came from cows that was freaking ages ago I'm made of milk I'm almond you're made of milk you're breast milk he's made of milk he's coffee mate we don't really talk to him he's a kind of chav milk almond yeah yeah having a little soiree on Saturday actually yeah yeah no bring a few peeps along yeah no don't invite coffee mate Jesus right chav coffee mate will win though I have coffee mate mate he will win yeah because in the future if there's an apocalypse yeah the mutants will want a nice cup of tea all the milk will be off yeah except for coffee mate it's powdered milk you can snort it you can put it up your anus it lasts forever I love it I love it because it's a bit of a chavvy milk and I was a bit of a chav I represent the Croydon Massive I was a chav when I was a teenager and I went to art school and I had to hand in my chav notice I was heartbroken oh my gosh what like I can't be a chav anymore no you're gonna be doing collages and shit I had a chav badge I had to hand it in I'm gonna miss you guys then I came out of art college and I used to get beaten up by chavs that's the irony I used to wear sort of silver catsuits chavs did not like that and I found there was no time to explain that I was a former chav no no no no the best thing a chav ever said to me he saw me in a pink outfit and he went oh my gosh what is you so brilliant that it's like poetry street poetry it's so economical what is you and I went yes and he went no my favourite chav story ever though there were some chavs outside costcutter yeah and basically this woman went past and fell over and they didn't do anything to help they just went laughed yeah and the woman's about 45 I thought this is a nightmare so I ran over and helped her she's like a mum I picked her up and said you okay and she wasn't drunk or anything she said I had a knee operation my knee just gave way so I sort of sent her on her way I couldn't leave it because I used to be a chav on quite sort of south London yeah I thought I'm gonna have to have a go at them yeah I was pushing my luck there's about 10 of them sent the lady on her way and I went what's wrong with you a lady falls over you just laugh that's unbelievable they didn't say anything and I got really cocky and I thought oh I'm in so much trouble here oh imagine if that was your mum yeah you just leave her on the floor yeah and this chav came out and said the best thing anyone's ever said ever he came out and went yeah the thing is my mum don't fall over you cannot argue with that kind of chav logic totally won me over I got her threw her back down I know I don't sound like a good husband I'm aware of that I sort of realised I should be a better husband but I can't be arsed you know like my wife deserves better she needs a better man but I've got no inclination to be that person sort of thinking what should I do I decided probably the best solution let her have a boyfriend I really think that's the best solution once you get over the initial stigma what a wonderful solution to the situation that is you don't have to worry about child care got an extra babysitter in Andy you've got a mate hey you don't have to worry about his sexual performance because Andy's smashing it on the regular it's a win-win situation do you mean and you can try and psych each other out do you know what I mean you can say Andy let's go out for a drink you know when you complain about your other half now you're complaining about the same person complaining about the same person isn't it weird when she does a multiple orgasm face oh you haven't seen it I'm addicted to my phone man I'm addicted to my phone are there any iphone users in android phone users in I've got a problem with you what a self-satisfied smug bunch of pricks you are oh my god aren't they proud of themselves that they've got an android have you got an iphone uh no I'm not a sheep I think I'll make up my own mind about what phone I buy thank you very much you haven't unplugged from the matrix all right you're not off the grid because you bought a samsung all right it's a massive corporation it's not a little family-owned business two brothers sam and sung decide to set up a little market stall you're not better than me all right and they love talking about the battery life oh my god I imagine you're looking for a plug point shut up mate the shit battery life on smartphones the best thing about them because when the battery runs out then I'll interact with my kids right no willpower I'll be down in the park I'm like that's run out better find out where they're going with those old men