Don Friesen • Ask Your Mom • Part 1 | LOLflix

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Don Friesen! Glendale, California. Wow, this is nice. My wife and I looked at a house out here and, uh, wow, pricey, huh? Like when I was a kid, I always thought, you know, someday I'm gonna own a million dollar home. I just never dreamed it'd be like a two bedroom, one bath, fixer-upper. I have two kids. My daughter's 11. My son's 14 years old, man. People are putting pressure on me now with my son. They're like, are you saving up for his college yet? I haven't even paid for my college, man. Are you serious? I owe 25 grand in student loans. I'm gonna have to walk him up through the financial aid line to the people I still know. Yeah, I got a tab going, right? Yeah, no, turns out I am alive. I know. I'm a fun dad. My wife tells me I'm too fun. You ever get that? She says I need to be stricter. The kids need to learn that no means no. And I'm like, you know, what if I'm raising them to be salespeople? They're never gonna make their quota with that kind of attitude. You gotta get back in there, mister. Earn your bonus. Of course your mom says no. If I got discouraged the first time your mom told me no, you wouldn't even be here right now. I miss being a kid. Being a kid's fun. I don't miss everything. I was a bedwetter as a kid. I mean, a lot of us were, right? By applause, former bedwetters, where are you? Let me hear you. Wow. Half the crowd. Yeah, usually nobody admits it. You know, as a grown-up, when you're a kid, nobody admits it. You think you're the only one. There's no support groups. You know, hey, stay dry, man. You too. Remember, no beverages after 6 p.m. Be strong. The solutions were horrible. My doctor recommended this device called the pad and buzzer. Electricity and urine. Well, hook me up. I can't believe medical science backed this thing. It's like a moisture-sensing pad hooked up to this obnoxious buzzer. I slept right through it. My brother wet his bed. I mean, talk about a lifetime of therapy. Well, I stopped wetting the bed. Now, every time I hear a car alarm, I strip naked and do the river dance. This other book actually said, make bedwetting fun. Make it a game to stop wetting the bed. You know, because apparently not waking up at P wasn't enough incentive. I mean, come on, anybody who's ever wet the bed. You know, one dry day, I was psyched, man. I ran out the hallway in my underwear. My sisters are jumping in. Who's that dry boy in the hall? High school. Funny now. My friends didn't know. They're always trying to set me up on dates and stuff. Ask her out, man. She wants to sleep with you. No, she doesn't. Just such a different world we live in now, huh? With the safety and the car seats. It's great. The minivans. Like, but where was our safety? When I was a kid, they just threw us in the back of a pickup. Half the time, they didn't even wait. We're leaving. Grab my arm. Come on! Jump! Our car seat was a tire. Spare tire in the back. And we were lucky to have it, too. And we know because they told us, you're lucky to have it. Yes, thank you. And we believed them. You know, those kids in China who don't even have a tire. What was that about? My whole life, they compared me to the kids in China. I always wondered what their parents said to them. You were not very lucky. Even if we had a tire, there's no pickup. We wrestle in the back. My mom would yell back, you can't sit down. Why? We can't hear you. My dad would jerk the wheel. Whoa, heard that? You better hang on, uh-huh. We just lost another dog. Tuck and roll, Poco. What do we know? We're all jacked up on Kool-Aid. Poking our head through the little window. Hey, what's going on? How you guys doing? Oh, it's really warm in here. You can't even feel the rain. My dad's all over that. You know, you're lucky. They don't even have rain in China. It was all legal, too. Cops couldn't do anything. They pull up next to you and suggest. How's it going? You may want to put up the tailgate. Not trying to hassle you. I'm just throwing that out there. We've been following you for like, what? Four and a half dogs or so. You know, you're lucky. They don't even have tailgates in China. Finally gave my dad a fix-it ticket for the rearview mirror being broken. Thank God. Because my dad never looked back. Eyes on the road. Safety first. Every once in a while, he pumped the brakes for no apparent reason. He was doing inventory. Yeah, they're all there. Just a different world. You know, back then you had six kids. Lose one, still got five. I mean, we're lucky. They only give you one in China. We don't spank our kids. We discussed that when they were born. I thought we should spank. And my wife thought we shouldn't. So we don't. Because that's how things work in our house. I get a vote, but she gets the tiebreaker. It's fair. She explained it once. I thought we should spank. That's how I grew up. My parents spanked us, but they explained it. They spanked us because they loved us, right? Yeah, and I grew up in a very loving household. There was love to spare in that house. Our neighbors loved us, too. The whole community chipped in. It was beautiful. They kind of had to back then because, you know, what else could they do? They couldn't take away our toys. Our toys sucked. You're going to take away the rock and the stick? Oh, no. Where will I find another rock and a stick? A whole week without a slinky? No! Now we have a Nintendo. That works. You take that away, he's talking. I did it. I was in the grassy knoll. What do you want to know? Can you spank me then? Can I play? Here's a bell. Here's a spoon. I've got the wizard trapped in the tower. Let's do it right now. We're losing lives. We're burning daylight. Can I play while you're spanking me? No! Turn the machine off. I am. I'm just saving it. Oh, that is the biggest scam in the world, man. You've been saving for an hour and a half. I am onto you, mister. Give it to me. I'll save it. I know how. You save it. But I'm watching you. They have parental controls, but he's the one that programmed the damn thing. I don't want to get too strict. He'll lock me out of the system again. Very funny. Can you make it a TV again, please? He's grounded. My wife grounds people. She's a grounder. I come home from the road. She's like, guess who's grounded? I'm like, is it me again? No, Fletcher. Fletcher? Oh, good. All right. I'll go talk to him. All right, kid. You're grounded. Can't play video games. Scoot over. My turn. Which one am I? You know, if you have to ask which one am I, you suck. But I think I'm doing good. You know, I'm pressing all the buttons like crazy. He's like, Dad, that's not even you. That's the computer player. My guy's up in the corner. He's stabbing the wall. You've got to teach me then. Help me out here. And my wife pops her head in. He's not playing. No, he's coaching. It's different. Help me out. She goes, I'm taking off. I'm like, okay. Make sure you pick up Joseph from Girl Scouts. Girl Scouts. Clean up the house. Right. Do the dishes. Dishes. What'd I just say? Dishes. Are you gone yet? Love you. So he helps me out for a couple hours. We do pretty good. You know, I get to this like level 70 troll. I couldn't get past this guy, right? And I finally, I just panicked. I'm like, you got to grab the controller. And I knew it was a mistake because I heard it in slow motion. You got to grab the controller. I also heard, I'm not having sex for a long time. But I've been married 18 years. I'm like, I'm not having sex anyways. Grab the controller. So now we're a team. Two players, two controllers. I'm feeling good. He's smarter than me. He's nervous. He's like, what about mom? I'm like, what do you mean mom? Who's his mom character? You let me worry about mom, okay? You know? And we, this goes on for hours or days or I don't know. At some point there's empty pizza boxes. I'm like, we ate? Did we eat? We must have, you know? Because player three is the pizza guy. I'm actually thinking we got a fourth controller. Who's up for Chinese? This goes on and on for hours. We'd still be playing today if I hadn't heard the squeak of the brakes of our minivan pulling the driveway. My wife keeps saying, you got to fix those brakes. I'm like, are you kidding? That's my warning signal. How else will I know you're coming? That's at the top of my to don't list. Now right now, if I was smart, I would start putting things away quickly, right? But I'm not smart. I'm playing. I got no perspective. I got one wife and I got one life and they're equal. I love her, but I would trade her for a power-up and a magic helmet. And I can actually hear her coming up the driveway. You know, there's dramatic music in my head. And a dragon swooping down. And the dishes are piling up. Even the dishes have music. And I'm doing triage. I'm like, Fletch, do the dishes. Josie, clean up the room. He goes, Dad, you forgot to pick her up. No!