Nejlepší vtipy a scénky Zdeňka Izera – Záchvat smíchu zaručen! #izer #zdenekizer #vtip #vtipy #humor

Grandpa, why are you sitting here like this? Sit down, please. Tomáš, give me a drink. Here, let's drink. Thank you, grandpa. I won't drink anymore. You are soft. You don't have a birthday like this once in your life, right? I know it didn't work out. This is a bit... I'll save it. Look! It was your birthday and you will remember it again. Ninety... No! Wait! You are Mr. Dravid. Yes, I am. No! Yes, I am. Are you kidding me? So we are celebrating a birthday and he is Mr. Dravid. You are celebrating, right? Yes, we are. I can see that. It didn't work out. Wait, I'll... I can touch it, it doesn't matter. Yes, it's fine. Michal! It's fine. Wait, I'll give you a drink. Look! He didn't drink from that one. No, thank you, I won't. It's fine. You will think it's a song. I'll give you a drink and it will work out. You know what? We are celebrating a birthday and it didn't work out because you see, we have a bunch of assholes, hyenas... It's sad. Yes, it's a bit sad because you know what? Grandpa's birthday is in a month. I didn't want to tell him because he already has it. So I thought maybe he knows that he has it in a month but maybe he's so poor that he feels that he doesn't have to wait. If he didn't want to us, it's sad. But it's not that sad because I will inherit a lot of money. It's fun. Yes, it's fun. But to make it less fun, grandpa invited his colleagues from the base. No one came. How famous is grandpa? How famous? 90 days. I'm not surprised that no one came. I didn't think of that. You see, it works Hey, let's sing something to grandpa. No, I'm sorry. I just came for lunch. Michal, or listen to a song for those 90 days. Beautiful 90 days. Something like that. Michal, let's sing for example I want to live for 100 days. We will be happy, grandpa. Grandpa listens to another music. It's not good. You see, it's a judgment. At least move a little so that you can sing. There's nothing wrong with that. Good. Come on, at least sign it for your birthday. At least on your hand. I don't even have a pen here. It's not possible. Then wipe it with a napkin. It will be less fun. No, it's not. Michal, what are you doing? Hey, wait. Michal, wait. I have an idea. Wait. He will be looking at his fake teeth. He loves you so much. Wait. I will throw a bucket at him. I will wake him up. You will see. Come here, Michal. I will tear it off. It's not good. Let him sleep. He will be looking at his teeth. Let him sleep. Grandpa. Surprise. Simsalabim. Grandpa. It's good. I haven't seen it yet. It's not here. Grandpa. He will suffocate. Grandpa. You scared us. I didn't want to. I didn't want to scare you. I wanted to introduce you to your new grandma. Grandma? That's my grandma? Yes. Grandma, what are you doing? You are going to the toilet. I have to go. We are waiting for your dad. My dad. Dad? I will tell you later. It's Monday. To the mountains. The air is... It's beautiful. Fucking mountains. I can't stand it. Stupid mountains. What is it? It's a smell. It's a smell that someone would fart. I thought you can't smoke in the mountains. You have to smoke in the mountains. We are above the national park. Yes, but I have to push it up. Get down. It's raining. I have to drink a bottle of rum. I have to empty two boxes. I have to eat something. I don't have to break my head. I always find something. At least a small piece. Really small. Yeah. Do you do it by hand? Yes, by hand. I can't do it in the national park. I have to push it up. I have to do it. It's beautiful and clean in our mountains. There is the tube. Look, it's shining like a crystal. What crystal? Those are broken bottles. I can't do it. But the tube can be sold. How long have you been here? Yesterday there was a smell like a dog poop. The mess was burning down there. The mess? There was a mess? There is still a mess. I'll put it down. But it burned down. Really? I don't know. I always say it. Look. Light things on the wind side. It will fly away to Poland. Look. Green shit to the green bottom. Glass to the stream. What are you doing? I'm sorting the waste. Mixed waste to the green bottom. It's still burning down there. What are you going to do with it? What am I going to do? I'm sorting the waste. Jesus Christ, how is it going to look like? I've been doing it for 20 years. Look. What is it? You look like a rotten mouse. What are you doing here? Recreation? Skiing? On the grass? No. We go skiing to the Alps. It's more adrenaline. My husband and I like more adrenaline sports. We came here to paraglide before we go to the Alps. It's quite boring, isn't it? What? Paragliding. What are you talking about? Have you tried paracontainering? What? That's meat. Paracontainering. Let's try it, madam. You haven't eaten it yet. When you go inside, I'll let you down to the stove. I guarantee you you won't go down if you touch the textile. Look, I'm ready to try anything. Why not? Try it. Is it OK? Yes, it's a bit tight. I'll tighten it a bit so you won't open the door. Yes. Hold on. You haven't eaten it yet. I can feel it. The adrenaline will start soon. Are you ready, madam? Yes. Let's go. Damn it. What is it? I hope you won't throw the mess into the container. Where are you going? Are you the instructor of paragliding? Let me go. I'm the instructor of paracontainering. I thought we'd learn how to fly a paraglider today. We'll fly tomorrow. Today we'll ride. We'll climb. Did you see my lady? She's down in the bag. That's nice. Ladies, gentlemen, don't you have children? Yes, and two more will come. How old are they? 10-12 years old. I have two aluminum fillers I'll put in there. Don't fight next time. I don't like this long line of waste. All at once. Hold on. Thank you. Good day. Thank you for the warm welcome. It really touched me after 20 years at home. I don't even deserve it. I'll sit down because my legs hurt. I've been paralyzed for 20 years. We'll get to that. Where did the mistake happen? Look at my pants and you'll see they're short. It's not a mistake, I just grew up. I'll show you a movie, but only at the end. I have a movie here. It's the only copy in the world. I'm afraid no one will steal it. It's the only copy. Photos. I'll show you that at the end. If you don't understand anything you can ask me questions. Don't be afraid. I haven't said anything yet. Here's a question. Aleksandra Tupá, Stará Fronta Včera. Mr. Fouska, our readers would like to know when you started with your discoveries and what brought you to them. I thought you'd say the Czech language at the end, but it's a boost. I wanted to answer or say something first. I had a long-term plan to look at the sun as the first earthling in a hot air balloon. So I took a blanket and I sank under it to make it fly. I got into the basket and I flew at night to solve the heat. It was good, the sun's heat at night. But I didn't see it. So I fell asleep in the basket and I woke up in the morning on the field by Čerčan. I was completely naked So I couldn't fly anymore. So I said to myself I'll leave it for another time. My second discovery was a non-hot cloth that I wanted to try in a sock. I took off the socks and they advised me to go to České Středohoří. There are a lot of socks there and the biggest one is Meleshovka. I was running there like a motherfucker for 14 days and I didn't find a hole in the sock. So I put it into the cycle that I'm preparing now. Where did the mistake happen? Next question. Aleksandra Tupa, Stará Fronta Včera. Mr. Fouska, our readers would like to know why did you go abroad? Because of Meleshovka because everything was already discovered there. So I had to leave. I went to Africa and I discovered a tribe of new cannibals that no one had seen yet. It was great fun with them. They liked me a lot. We played games like who will bite whom more and so on. They have strange tastes compared to other cannibals and they like fat women the most because they have chocolate eggs with surprise. I made a movie about cannibal route and I will show it to you later. It's OK. Do you have another question? You were in the Himalayas before. Have you ever reached the top? From which newspapers? Which newspapers? Which press? Aleksandra Tupa, Stará Fronta Včera. I see it will be in all newspapers tomorrow. I was in the Himalayas and I reached the top several times in the main camp. I have to say I met a lot of snowmen. I was surprised that snowmen are in the whole village. I can tell you that snowmen don't believe in the butcher at all. I even have a photo and I will show it to you later. I have a photo with a snow woman. I will show it to you later. Aleksandra Tupa, Stará Fronta Včera. What are your latest discoveries? My latest discoveries I made in New Guinea where I visited a tribe of drunk people. The biggest friar is as big as a cigarette box. I kicked them out a billion times before I discovered that they live there at all. Unfortunately I didn't see the smallest one. He died a week before I arrived. He tragically killed himself Then I discovered a tribe of old people in Japan where I met a 120-year-old lady who said she lost her grandmother. I will definitely come back there. Next question. Do you want to explore the mysteries of Czech history? Yes, I explored in the cycle where there was a mistake that we don't have a sea. The mistake was that I invited a Czech friar and he got drunk and couldn't go on so he didn't go to the sea. So there was a mistake. But there was an even bigger mistake that he had a brother and it was Lech and it was an even bigger moron because he went to the sea but he is completely drunk. So this is from the Czech pot. Do you have any more questions? Please get your cameras ready because I will play a movie for you and as I said it is the only copy in the world so I will play a movie where you will see all the things I just mentioned. So are you ready? Me too. So I will turn it on. F**k! And I was wondering where the mistake was. Oh, my crumb is at 110 and you have more here. And here my film burned so it is completely f**ked up. But it doesn't matter. I have a deposit on a digital camera where I have everything from the movie. It is important that when you take a photo you can't pull the tripod because it is heavy so you have to be strong so you won't hurt yourself. Oh, shit! F**k! So I don't even have a photo so it is completely f**ked up. F**k! But it doesn't matter because I have a computer and I have a deposit in it. If it is not there then it is completely f**ked up. The file is not found. I don't know if it is Czech but Ctrl A Delete F**k! It is completely f**ked up. And here I came to the point where the mistake happened. It was invented by Bill Gates and I know why he is so rich because you pay for mistakes. So that is why Bill Gates is so rich. OK, I will go to take photos of new things so in 20 years I look forward to seeing you. Ouch! What are you doing? Sorry, I didn't see it was occupied. So? What are you doing there? What would I be doing here in the container at the back entrance of a luxury hotel? I am a paparazzi I am also a paparazzi I am happy So don't be silent and get into the ashtray and be quiet. Thank you. Not even a fly? Yes, you know it. What fly? Peter bought an apartment here and I am waiting for him. It is quite strange, isn't it? Yes, it is strange. So get into the ashtray and we will wait for him together. OK. What else? Is it OK? Yes, but it is worth nothing. I thought so. I have been doing it for a long time. I used to be an official paparazzi before I became a paparazzi. Yes, like this. Then I got lucky and got a job as a paparazzi when I got a fine for being a paparazzi. Since then I have been doing only hockey and sportsmen. I have always got only colorful rags. I got prices like an art piece. OK. But today I have to say it is worth more than shit. You calmed me down. I am very polite. I just come and ring and say hello. I am a paparazzi and I can't take pictures of you. And they don't want to. Yes, they don't want to. Thanks to that I have a double shot in the ass and I will bite the leg of Rottweiler. That is good. You have two holes. You have to be tough. Do you get it? Tough and transparent. No yesterday. It is not for the paparazzi. I was the only one who got a fine for being a paparazzi. Really? Yes. I was transparent and I was there a week earlier. I took Jesus out of the wall and I was there instead of him. And I was waiting. And when they called him I wanted to take it out and I left the photo in the car. So I was there for a week and then they came to take me out. And those idiots took my hands off and I broke my hand. I would have killed myself. I would have killed myself too because of the height. That is a good story. Yes. I was walking in the canals for a week. In the canals? Yes. Why? I was waiting for Grosse. When we are talking about this topic I took a photo of Kaloušek as a fat fuck. No. You have it here. I want to see it. Let me see it. It is dark here. Thank you. I have it here. Look. She is telling him that she doesn't want to show him the sponsors. Like this? And they just... No, no. Just verbally? Yes, just verbally. That is fucked up. They never took it from me. Of course. That is weird. If there is a mess here I will take a photo of it. What else? Do you do politics? Yes, politics. I took a photo of Zeman on Vysočín. Both trees? No. There was 6 liters of gas on Socánský Řezd. He was pissing there. 6 liters on Socánský Řezd and 6 liters by the tree? Yes. Who cares about it today? Some Zeman. It is in the bag. People don't appreciate us. You are right. They can't imagine what it is to take a photo to have some fun. Exactly. I went to England and I shined the Queen in the bath. No way. I got such a cover from the guard. I had such a bump. They even smashed my photo for 100 liters. So I took a photo at home by myself. I also shined the Queen in the bath. I had such a head. Also from the guard? No. It was a bee. I would like to show you the photos which were BOTY NEBEB. Boty nebeb. I also had such a bump. Here was Michael Jackson as a singer. They said that Černóh will be around the exhibition. I was standing there and I was looking like a dog in the tree. The dogs were chasing me for a week. Full of shoes. At the end there was a man with a moustache on his lip. He was white like a general. There were a lot of guards around him. I thought that he was a leader. I swiped it. You are lucky. Do you know what Jackson is most afraid of? No. That you will lock him up in Černá. Well, man. We will be cursed with the main entrance. Yeah. So what are we going to do? I don't know. At least we could take a photo. That's a good idea. What? Someone is coming. Really? Tell him. Don't be shy. Take a photo of us. Don't be shy. Do you ever hold it in your hand? Take a photo of us. Wave it. Bye. Don't leave it to me. I will burn it. There is not a moment of peace. He is like a Turk. There is a guy again. What was that? I don't know. He put something on his face. Luciano Paparazzi. No. Pavarotti. He is a singer. He has a concert. It was him. He took a photo of us. Jesus Christ. You are stupid. What are we going to do? Nothing. He is coming. We are going home. Bye. Border control. Good day. Name? Josef Pendler. Here are my documents. With this name you are going to the border. Pendler. Can't you have another name? I don't know. Show me what you have there. Declaration. 10 rabbits. 5 pigeons. 1 cylinder. 1 renaissance trumpet. 1 shovel. 6 weapons. 2 crows. 16 bats. Where do you have it all? Who would want it? I am a magician. Where is your car? I don't have a car. I fly. Do you have a plane ticket? No. Do you fly by yourself? I fly with my assistant. It's her. Where? She was flying in front. Last year she was walking with me. Are you a colleague? I don't know. Someone asked for a little border touch. She was flying in front. What does she look like? Nice. That's me. Why don't you fly with her? I don't want to cross the border illegally. She would rather do it. You are a magician. Yes. Can you show me a few numbers? No. She is already gone. She liked it. I would like to see something. At least something small. But no tricks. No tricks. I want to see a real magic. I have an idea. Look. It's sharp. What does it look like? It has a ring at the bottom. Have you ever seen a border stone with a ring? We are in Central Europe. Here you touch the border. And there... At least a few centimeters. Something else? I don't know. Something better? Could you move my wife somewhere? Very far. That's not a problem. We can do it. Think about it intensively. It will be difficult. Try it. I will try it. Try it. My body is shaking. I can see it. It hurts. Something is disturbing me. Yes? Can you hear me? I can hear you. What is your number? I don't understand. Am I in China? Who should pay for the roaming? You see? In China. Good, isn't it? You know... You think we are stupid, don't you? No. What do you think? I think you are very clever. You know... You talked to an operator, didn't you? No. Something else? Something better? You drink coffee, don't you? Of course. You drink it. No, I don't drink coffee. You are so black. Look. What is it? Can you feel it? Are you drunk? No. What color is it? It's a visor. A visor. It's a magic. Is it a magic? Yes. A coffee visor is good, isn't it? Do you think it's a magic? I'll show you a magic. Do you see that truck? Yes. The big one? Yes. Look at it. It's a toy.