In A Minute: THE MAHABHARATA

Okay, so this whole thing is basically a succession crisis, right? There was this king and he died with no heirs, so his half-brother slept with his two wives to reduce two heirs, but one of them was blind, so the other one, Pandu, became king, but then he got cursed to die if he ever banged, so he stepped down and the blind guy got to be king. Pandu has two wives, and they boink a whole bunch of gods, and they have five uniquely badass demigod sons who are called the Pandava Brothers, and then Pandu has sex and dies, and so does his younger wife, so the older wife takes the Pandavas back to the palace, and they all hang out. Meanwhile, the blind King Dhritarashtra has had a hundred kids, and really doesn't want to let the Pandavas take the throne, The Pandavas all marry this one princess who's buddies with Krishna, who's an incarnation of Vishnu, and a really big deal, and then they go home and build a shiny new palace, and their cousin Duryodhana falls in a pond and swears vengeance, so he challenges them to a dice game, but it's rigged, and the Pandavas lose literally everything and go into exile for 13 years, and have a bunch of adventures, and Duryodhana says if they're found in the 13th year, they have to go back into exile for another 12 years, but they don't get found till after, so it's fine, but then Duryodhana says he didn't agree to give them their stuff back, so they all go to war. The Pandava Arjuna doesn't want to fight his beloved family and teachers and stuff, and Krishna calls him a whiny little baby for 700 stanzas. They fight and everybody dies except the people we like, and the Pandavas win and get to rule for a while, but the world gets shittier, so they decide to go hiking in the Himalayas with a dog who's secretly God. They all die except for Yudhishthira, who passes some secret test of character, and gets to go straight to heaven. The end. Woo!