Full Stand Up Comedy Special | 2023

Good to see you guys. It's been a great year for me. I was urinated on, uh, this summer. I was urinated on. I live overseas. I live in France and I live along the Mediterranean. Most mornings I like to start the day, jump in the med, have a swim. And if you've ever traveled there, you would know there's jellyfish in the Mediterranean. So my biggest fear in life was being stung by one. This summer, it came true. And we all know the cure for a jellyfish sting is urine. So you're hoping it happens on a portion of your body that you can, uh, take care of that, uh, you know, yourself. I do not know why I did that motion just right now. I have no idea. I think that's a different cure. I believe that's for ticks. Um, but I was swimming and unfortunately I was stung, uh, right here by a jellyfish. And, uh, I didn't have the dexterity, uh, uh, or cock length to, uh, I was in big trouble. All right. I needed help. Now there was a family walking down the beach towards me. All right. There was a father, there was a mother. The mother was wearing a baby carrier on her chest. There was an infant inside. All right. And they knew I was in trouble because I was rolling around on the sand trying to piss on myself. And, uh, they sort of hurried towards me and they're like, say problem, problem. Now I speak French, but I still work on it every day. I take lessons and jellyfish sting has not come across my desk yet. Okay. So with my limited knowledge, I tried to fumble my way through it. I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And it worked. They understood what I was trying to get at, you know? Now at that point, I thought it was going to be hard to find another human being to piss on me. I thought that was going to be difficult, but right away the French man was like, well, let's get this fucking party started. It was too quick. I wasn't emotionally prepared for it, you know? So I started slapping out his crotch. I was like, cause there's three humans standing in front of me. The dad piss is the last piss that I want in that equation. Do you know what I mean? So I said, uh, femme, femme, wife, wife, you know, ah, wife, wife, you know, he was like, say my femme, you know, I was like, let's do the baby. Then give me that baby. You know, we'll, uh, we'll hang it over the wound and squeeze it like a lemon. You know, we'll get that baby juice out of there. It did not work. So I was urinated on by a French man. And the thing that still haunts me today. All right. It wasn't the temperature of the urine. All right. Um, it wasn't the gentle moaning as he did it. Um, it's the color Kelowna. That's what sticks with me. Okay. It was like a kidney failure. Guinness is, uh, so I'm in therapy. I really am trying to improve my life. You know, I've been doing this a long time and, uh, I'm bored during the days I've been working 20 minutes a night for 20 years. And, uh, I'm at the end of my goddamn rope. I try to make my daytimes fun. Now I'd play these like life skits. You know, I like to do these life skits. And right now Starbucks is the best ally in my fight. All right. Starbucks, what they do, you order a coffee quite often. They'll write your name in big, bold letters with a felt marker. People forget about that, that their names on their cups. So I go to all these cities. I walk around town. I look at everybody's cups. All right. And I'm looking for the name, Marty. All right. And every once in a while, the sun shines on me and I see a Marty out there. And what I do is I bolt as fast as I can directly at that human being. All right. And I scream, I go, Marty. And he's terrified. He has no idea who I am. Right. And then I go, I'm from the future. There's a problem with your kids. I love how most of you are laughing at that, except there's just this one girl from Gen Z right here, just staring at me like, who the hell is Marty? What are you talking about? It's a motion picture flicker show. Young lady. There's a few young people here tonight. That's actually my biggest fear in life is losing connection with your generation. All right. I never want to lose connection with the younger generation. So I want to be cool. You know, I want to be rad, you know. So I asked for help. I got on Google. I got on the Google, you know, and I just Googled. I said, what does Gen Z care about Google? And right away, Google told me that they care about sex positivity, everybody. All right. And they even have a phrase for it. They say you should be able to fuck what you want, when you want. Gen Z. And I think that's beautiful. Good for you, Gen Z. But what pisses me off about that is that you're so cocky, your generation, that you think that you invented it. That's what pisses me off. Okay. I've got news for you on behalf of all of us. You are teenagers. We were all that horny when we were your age. Okay. When I was a teenager, I had this foam soccer ball is what I had, everybody. Okay. And I cut a hole in that soccer ball. And I fucked that soccer ball for four years. That's what I did. I fucked what I wanted, what I wanted. Oh, that soccer ball had a rough high school career. I will tell you that. I even had a nickname for it. It was called Messi. Messi's a professional soccer player, young lady. When I graduated, you could have gone five pin bowling with that thing. I'll tell you that. God, I love this town. I really do. People always ask me if I miss living in Canada. I do. There's one law, the biggest difference between France and Canada, this one law just pisses me off is, did you guys know when you're drunk at three in the morning, in Canada, it is illegal for you to walk through the drive-thru at McDonald's? Did you guys know about that law? Of course, Rutland. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, bud. That's insane. I remember the exact night I found that out. I was downtown Vancouver. It was a long time ago. And I was planning on drinking. So I was hanging out with my buddy, Kwesi. I brought my car downtown. Kwesi, he doesn't drink. He's sober. So the plan was, go out and have some drinks. And then during this, he bet me $100 that I couldn't eat 60 McNuggets in 60 minutes. And I took the bet. I said, let's go to my car. We'll hit the drive-thru. We sat in my car. And that's when I realized, bless him, Kwesi, he can't drive manual transmission. Can't do it. So I said, don't be embarrassed. We'll walk through the drive-thru. It'll be fine. So we walked up to the little ordering box, which I think is the most interesting job for a teenager in Canada. The 3 a.m. shift behind that speaker, you get to meet every Canadian at their not finest hour. You know what I mean? We're not classy when we're there. And I'm no different than you guys. I walked up and I was like, hey, McDonald's man! 60 McNuggets! 60! And right away, he was like, I'm sorry, sir. You're not in an automobile. I can't serve you tonight. So I lied to him. I'm like, I am in an automobile. I actually am. And he was like, no, you're not. There's a video camera. I can see you. So I said, you haven't heard the last of me, McDonald's man, right? We went back to my car. I came up with a game plan. I said, Kwesi, get in that driver's seat. You can't drive manual transmission. No big deal. You sit there and I'll do the sticking from the passenger seat. You do the steering and the gassing. All right, we'll get these bloody McNuggets. Completely forgetting that this is actually not the difficult part of manual transmission. It's actually the gas and the clutch. That's the problem. This part is easy. In fact, if you get lost, there is a map directly on top of it that you can follow. You don't got to be Dora the Explorer to figure it out. Yeah. So we put our plan in action and it's going terribly. All right. Kwesi stalls the car like 17 times on the way up to the, but we limp it in there. We make it back. All right. And I go, guess who's back? 60 McNuggets. 60. Now at this point, I'm very proud of myself. Okay. I beat the system, but the kid inside, he is terrified. All right. He's thinking this maniac is operating an automobile right now. Okay. And he did what every reasonable human being should do. He called the cops immediately. Okay. And then he kept his mouth shut. He doesn't say a thing. All right. Handed us the McNuggets. We're on our way. Kwesi stalls it like nine more times as we're trying to leave. Top of the drive through. All right. Cops. They come to our window. They say, boys, what the hell is going on here? There's a kid crying inside. You were obviously drunk. I watched you stall the car nine times as you were trying to leave. Now I was the drunk one. So I figured I better be the one talking to the cops, right? That's how that works. I'm going to smooth this over right quick. Right? So I said, listen, big boy in blue, you don't got to worry about a goddamn thing. My buddy Kwesi is sober as a judge. He just can't drive the manual transmission, but I'm doing the sticking and he's doing the steering. So why don't you get back in your Buffalo taxi and fuck off? How does that sound? Have you ever seen a cop's eye twitch before? Have you ever seen that? He was so angry. He's like, you're an idiot. But then he had to have an honest moment with himself. All right. He's like, you guys are morons. You're idiots. But I'm not sure if you're in trouble or not, because I don't know if what you're doing is illegal, to be honest with you. You're the only two idiots that have tried this in my 20 years of policing. I'm going to go talk to my supervisor. All right. Anyway, I got half a DUI and had to move to Europe. And in case you're wondering, that night I ate 60 McNuggets in 60 minutes, Colonna. You're goddamn right. I did it. I did it. A hundred bucks. I want to talk to you guys about a special lady in my life. This is a reoccurring character in my comedy routine. If you've seen me before, maybe you've heard of my Aunt Christine. All right. Here's the deal. Quick rundown. She's in her 90s and she's on Facebook. All right. And she's very active on it. She does daily status updates. They're the most adorable thing you've ever read in your life. All right. So what I do is I get one of her status updates. I read you hers and then I go back and get mine from the same day and I'll read you mine and we'll see who the better human is. Okay. It'll be fun. So the first, she says, as I get older, my eyes are failing me, though somehow I see more clearly the real beauty of friendships. Mine from the same day. Saw my buddy Pete take a puck in the balls today. Still hilarious at 40. Aunt Chris says, marry your best friend because in the end, it's the laughs you share you'll remember the most. Mine, I like my women like I like my pizza. Large Hawaiians. It's true. Aunt Chris says, the only thing stronger than my new titanium hip is my faith that Jesus will help me heal quickly. Mine, a hurricane in Canada. We already have winter. Pick a fucking lane, Jesus. I thought that lady was rushing the stage at first. I thought you were upset at my Jesus joke. You're like, I'm going to Will Smith the shit out of this guy. She's wearing a mask undetected. I actually model a lot of my life after my aunt. She's still married after 66 years. I just hope I love my wife. Her relationship with this world is so different than my relationship. A good example, we're in our small village and we're walking and this mom pushing a stroller was coming towards us and my missus stopped her and was like, hey, can I hold your baby? I love babies. And the mother was like, of course you can. And my missus picked up the baby, put her nose in the baby's belly and was like, I love the smell of babies. That's such a different reality than what I live in. All right. Imagine if it was reversed and I was like, hey, can I fucking smell that baby? Oh, that's a fresh one. I'm going to do one more skit here. But before I do that, I just want to give you guys like we had 65 cities to choose from in Canada. We chose here to tape because you guys are always so supportive. And this is a huge theater. It's always sold out and we really appreciate it. Thank you very much, Kelowna. You're the best. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Thank you. I love you guys. I got in trouble in Bangkok, Thailand. I do comedy tours over there now. It's one of my favorite places to do comedy tours. I'd never been to Bangkok. So this is just advice for those of you that are thinking about traveling there and you haven't yet. But when you get to Bangkok, you're going to be very excited. All right. You'll probably go to. Excuse me. I don't know how I can continue. But when you get to Bangkok, you're going to be excited. All right. You're going to go to a drinking district like Kosan Road or something. And what's going to happen is people are going to offer you balloons. All right. And in our culture, that sounds very innocent. Who doesn't love a balloon in Canada? Right. So I bought one immediately. And I thought I'd walk around Bangkok and just show people like a balloon. Yeah. So I was walking away with my purchase and the man that sold it to me was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No inhale in lung in inside. And I was like, OK, I guess this is Bangkok. And I took whatever gas was in that balloon and inhaled it all into my lungs. OK. And then I blacked out for six hours. I have no idea what happened. All right. But when I came to I was missing my wallet, my phone and my passport. All right. All my pockets were empty. I was in bad trouble for the first time in my life. I needed the Canadian embassy. All right. Now I was walking towards the embassy and as messed up as I was, I had the wherewithal to think, how am I going to prove I'm a Canadian? I got no identification. How does this work? You know, and I got there and I pressed the buzzer at the gate. And I'll be honest with you guys. I Canadian up my voice a lot in that moment. OK. Just to prove I was part of the club, you know, went back to my farming roots. They're like, how can we help you? And I was like, oh, fuck, man. How's she going? Bit of a brute situation out here, pal. I kind of lost all my shit and I think I need to crash at your house. Why don't you fire that gate open, pal? And Peter Mansbridge, Wayne Gretzky. And it worked. They opened the gate. I thought I was in, right? Home free. But then I met the second wizard, everybody. All right. The second wizard was very serious, very stern wizard. He was wearing a business suit. All right. He was. And he asked me, young man, did you take photographs of your identification? That's what you're supposed to do when you travel internationally in case you arrive in a situation you find yourself in tonight. And like you guys, I'm like, no, no one does that. I did not do that. And he said, OK, well, you need a guarantor from Canada. That takes a long time. We realize you're in trouble tonight. We're going to try to help you out. What we're going to do to prove you're Canadian. We're going to ask you a series of questions similar to what you might find on a citizenship exam. OK. I love as a crowd, you guys have all decided, well, this guy's fucked. I did not react like that. OK. I had drunk confidence and I am a citizen of this country. OK. I've been to high school. I'm like, I'm going to breeze through this. Right. In fact, I wasn't even taking it seriously. The first question he asked me is like the province of Alberta, what is its number one export? And I was like, douchebags. And that pissed him off. He was like, you take this seriously. I'm like, I'm a comedian. I was born in Alberta. Relax. I'm joking around. All right. He said, serious now. And I was like, OK, serious. Then he threw me an easy one. He said, who is Canada's first ever prime minister? Now, I know that information. We all do. That's Sir John A. Macdonald. Right. But he just yelled at me. I don't like getting yelled at. I was nervous. I had Alberta on my mind. So I was fumbling through and I was like, Macdonald, Macdonald, Lanny, Lanny Macdonald. And that was it. He was like, listen, I believe you're a Canadian, but you are highly intoxicated. You go sober up. You come back in the morning. I'll help you out. All right. I got bounced out of my own embassy. All right. So now I'm walking around Bangkok. I'm scared to death. I don't know where I'm going to sleep. And I passed by the American embassy. And I was like, I might as well give these fuckers a try, you know. I got the same accent, right? So I buzzed the gate and they're like, how can we help you? And I was like, I'm an American. Who dat? Who dat? Who dat? Who dat? Who dat? I need a Bible and a gun immediately. And they're like, oh yeah, if you're an American, answer me this, what is five times two? I was like a seven. And they're like, welcome to America. I love you, Kelowna. Thank you so much. I hope you enjoyed it. We'll see you again. You're the best. Good night, everybody.