Most Hilarious Moments From Season 2: Part 1 | The Middle

Where you been? The movie started 10 minutes ago. Sorry, man. Can't let you guys in free anymore. I got some new manager coming in today. Whatever. I'm still filling up my soda jug. Whoa, dude. You missed the axle. I'm Casey. Rhymes with Lacey. Now, I know you're late, but don't sweat it. I get you're not planning on working here forever. I mean, I'm only doing this until I get my grades up enough to get into beauty college. Anyway, I just wanted to say hi. Now, get to work. Oh, my God. I got a hot boss. There's like whole websites dedicated to the concept. Enjoy the fantasy, bro, because that's all it's ever going to be. Wrong. Why? Because check it out. Late nights, closed quarters, and no competition except that 50-year-old weirdo who works the projector. Did you not hear her? She's going to beauty college. She's going to learn how to be even hotter. You've got no shot. Turns out having a hot boss is the one thing that'll get a teenage boy to work on time. In fact, Axel went in a whole hour early. Oh, Axel, thank God you're here. I can't find the register key. You know there's a spare key in the office. I'm allowed to go in there? But the sign. It says personnel only, your personnel. Oh, I thought it said personal only. It's so stupid how they spell those words the same. Yeah, um, I'll go get the key. You rock. Casey, you're like three hours late. So, so, so, so sorry. I was at this oh my God party last night at this tall guy's house, and then Mindy and Tonya wanted to get into the hot tub, but I didn't bring my bikini and I wasn't wearing any underwear. And then we downed like 20 body shots and had to sleep it off. Together? No, silly. Tonya's bed's only big enough for two. But of course Mindy crawled in anyway. That's so Mindy. I know. Is this all the candy you have? Did you order more candy? Order? I thought the big truck just brings it. Okay, I'll order more candy and put more popcorn in the popper. Axel, help! All right, what's the 911? The candy counter. What? I restocked it yesterday. Oh my God! I forgot to close up last night. You gotta help me, Axel. I'll get in trouble. I've never been in trouble before. Is it bad? Yes! And maybe you should get in trouble. Hell, I'd make a better manager than you and I'm really, really lazy. Please, Axel. I'll go out with you. No! And good enough for God's sake. This is a family theater. I'm so confused. I just did the weirdest thing. Yeah? What'd you do? Turned down a date with a super hot girl. What is wrong with me? Maybe you just run down. No, it's weird. Because when I'm not around her, I'm always thinking about her. Like, always. Always. I get it. But then when I am with her, I just, I can't stand her. Because she's just so dumb. Dumb trumped hot. You're growing up, Axel. Today you learned that there are more important things than just a pretty face. Whoa. It's just so hard for me to wrap my brain around that. I know. But at some point as a man, you realize you want to be with someone you can have a conversation with, you can laugh with. Being with someone just because they're hot, it's not enough. Of course, I lucked out and got the whole package. She's not here, Dad. Okay, point is, I'm proud of you. I don't want you to be proud of me. I want to want the hot chick. Well, I know you do. And a part of you always will. Not me, though. I'm very happy. Thought I heard the door. I smell cooking. Is Grandma here? No, Grandma's not here. I'm making us a good breakfast so we can start our day off right. Yep, we're getting out in front of it. That's what we're doing, honey, right? I smell bacon. Grandma? Other people can cook food besides Grandma, you know. There's a weird noise coming out of my clock. Make it stop. Axel, relax. I set your alarm last night so you'd have time to get up and get ready for school without being rushed. Grandma? Grandma is not here. I'm here. Now, I want you all to sit down and listen up. We're getting up on time. We're having a healthy breakfast. We'll start the day organized and armed for success. Don't do it. Clearly, these are not our parents. If you can make that case, I'm on board. Sit. So, in order not to have a repeat of yesterday, I have borrowed this chart from work. Now, for the purposes of this exercise, Brick, you'll be Mr. Ellert. Axel, you be Pete. Suze, Lou, I'm me. And Mike, you can be Bob. Do I have to be Bob? Yes. Okay. Lou, today you have cross-country practice. So, I have for you your signed forms and a check for your new cross-country sweatshirt. Pete, you have the food drive. Here's your canned corn. Please put it in the bin and don't use it for fake vomit. Now, most exciting of all, Brick, I mean Mr. Ellert, I have for you a brand new backpack. But I don't want a new backpack. I love my old backpack. I know that you loved your old backpack, but that thing practically walked to the garbage itself. But he was my friend. Who am I supposed to eat lunch with? I don't know. A person? Okay, so my family was a little slow to make change. But I was getting ahead of it. I was baking brownies. By the end of the day, I was already seeing results. Thank you. Thank you so much. You look great and so athletic. And I'm the only one who has one because my awesome mom sent in a check. Other moms just don't get it. I feel sorry for their kids. Well, thank you for the worst day ever. Now that you screwed up my body clock, I had to drag myself through gym and then I dozed off and sleep farted in science. Ooh, brownies. Those aren't for now. Those are for all the bake sales I'm going to be hit up for this year. When are you going to give up on the sicko experiment of yours? This isn't like the juicer we're following through. Well, the new backpack and I are not getting along. At all. What happened? Why was your backpack even on your head? I was seeing if it had the same echo as my old one. It doesn't. I can't get a hold of her. I'm here, I'm here. Yeah, here's what really happened. And now each boy will pin his mother with a traditional homecoming corsage. The corsages were donated by Val's Hardware, your discount snow shovel destination. Val's Hardware, where the sale never ends. Sale ends Friday. Here. Yeah, okay. And so that was it. I had missed the big moment. I missed it all. The pageantry, the walk, the corsage. But then, almost as if Axel wanted to make it up to me, he pulled off the greatest play of the year. What's happening? We have a timeout on the field with number 32 down the 11-yard line. He's okay. He just got the wind knocked out of him. Frankie? Dude, your mom's here. Good evening, Mrs. Hecht. Lovely dress. Axel, sweetie, are you okay? Please tell me I'm dead. The good news is I did get to walk arm in arm on the field with my son, but it wasn't exactly how I had pictured it. The Markleys didn't leave me any diapers. Could you run out to the store and get me some? Oh, he's already double loaded, and if it leaks, it'll ruin my cross-country sweatshirt. Right now? Because I'm really busy mopping up and... Maybe I was gonna mop. You don't know. Excuse me. Can you tell me where the diapers are? Over here. Oh, great. Thanks. I really appreciate it. I'm kind of a big... Here you go. My grandma likes these. Okay, wait. You think I need diapers? Oh, this is just... Oh, my God! How old do you think I am? Is it okay if I don't answer that? Look, I might sneeze pretty once in a while, but I don't need diapers. Do you see any gray there? No! That's 100% chestnut brown! That's over in aisle 12. I mean, come on. These are for geriatric bladder control. Do I look geriatric? I could easily have a baby. I choose not to. These are for old, creaky people who are way older than me. Not you. Sorry. I'm a little flustered. I have a daughter with a dripping baby. I understand. I'm a grandma, too. I'm not a grandma! Just take me to the diapers for babies. Which I could have! Glad to see you're catching up on your schoolwork. For now. But Chuck says it's easy to drop out. Can you call the school and find out if there's some special papers we need to sign? My God, you're too lazy to even drop out yourself. No, Chuck says it's not that hard. And Chuck says the last couple years of high school are sort of a waste anyway. And Chuck says that if... All right, that's it. I got something to show you. Grab your coat. Chuck doesn't wear a coat. Shut up. So, you think you got it all figured out, huh? You think you want to be like Chuck? Let's see how Chuck lives. Sure, he has his own place. But it's a trailer he bought at a police auction. I want you to take a good look at the life this guy's living. Whoa, is this Chuck's place? Look at all those girls! Okay, but if you look past the really fun party, you'll see... There's a guy with a crossbow! Sweet! Axel, hang on. Axel, I'm trying to make you see that Chuck's life is not all that great. Wow, what is she wearing? The point is, Chuck never went to college, so Chuck has no options. God, I'm talking about working where you work, following in your footsteps. How does that make you happy? After you finish college, if you look at all your options and decide that the quarry is what you want to do, then great. But I want you to have choices. I want you to be able to do whatever you want to do. That's what would make me happy. You're acting like I haven't given any thought to my future. I have. Really? Yeah, like, if the quarry thing doesn't work out, listen to this. I go on a reality show, get famous, and then people will pay me to wear their clothes. Okay, you know what? You're an idiot. Hey! No, you are. You're an idiot. I tried to get creative here, and I tried to teach you by example, hoping that you'd get it, but you're too stupid to get it right now. I don't think you're supposed to call your kid an idiot. Just an observation. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's not your fault. I was an idiot at your age, too. So, until you're no longer an idiot, I will be making the decisions for you, and that means you're not dropping out of school, you're going to college, and those mutton chops you talked about growing, not happening. Whoa, I feel like you're trying to make me doubt myself. Yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to do. Let me make it simple. Any instinct you have right now, do the opposite. Trust me, someday in the future, when you're done being an idiot and you have an idiot of your own, you'll come back and thank me. So, I'm guessing you're not going to let me go to Chuck's party. See, you're getting smarter already. So, like, what kind of stuff did you do? That's not important. The important thing is that I turned out okay, and I'm pretty sure you're going to turn out okay, too. Pretty sure? 75, 80 percent. No, seriously, what kind of stuff did you do? My junior year, I think, and my buddy Greg and I decided that it might be fun to jump off an overpass onto a moving bus. Never met Greg. No, you haven't. Guess what? Today you're going to school with Axel. Oh, senior hotties. Okay, here's the plan. When they walk by and look confused and ask for help, they'll stop because you're exotic. You tell them how great I am, I show up, you get the ugly one, got it? Dude, worst day of my life, and I live here. It's only his second day. Did you know that 85 percent of your people have never tasted turkey, and that your national bird is the kiji? Kiji. Ours is the bald eagle. Benjamin Franklin wanted it to be the turkey, which 85 percent of your people have never tasted. Isn't that funny? Yes. Well, that was exhausting. It's only his third day. Don't go breaking my heart. I just sang karaoke for three hours and nothing, and Rick told me it's their national pastime. It's only his fourth day. Frankie, I think we got a dud. Mike, he's not a dud. I'm with dad. I tried to play Bananagrams with him. He went to the bathroom and never came out. He's like a cat. You show him affection, but he doesn't return it. He's just a shy kid who's only been here for five days. That's right, for five days. You can't expect somebody to come halfway around the world and just jump in and become a part of the family. It takes time. You call yourselves ambassadors. No, we didn't. You called us that. And I'm sorry I did. Now, I am going to the Donahues to borrow their toaster because ours is starting to spark, and while I'm there, I want you to think about improving your attitude. I know Takeyuki doesn't say how disappointed he is, but his vacant stare speaks volumes. Mom, mom, I threw Axel's pillow on the roof, and now he says he's going to get revenge. Sue, I don't want to hear it. I'm laying down the law. Here's a five. Love your brother. I have to make a quick run to the grocery, and I've decided to let you stay home alone. Okay. That's it? You have been hounding me about this for days. I thought you'd be excited. Oh, I am. All right. Listen, I'll be gone exactly 24 minutes. The emergency numbers are by the phone. No pay-per-view, no baths, no knives, no going in the attic. If somebody comes to the door, don't answer it. But if the phone rings, you can answer it. But if it's for me, tell them I'm in the other room cleaning my gun, and I'll call them back in 24 minutes. You got it? Got it. Bye. You're welcome. What was I worried about? All he does is sit on the couch and read anyway. Everything was going to be fine. And it would have been fine if he hadn't finished his book. And there he was, right where I left him. What was I worried about? Rick, what happened? Uh-oh. That's all you can say? Why were you even using the oven? Well, you didn't tell me not to. You said no pay-per-view, no baths, no. I didn't think I had to. Nobody in this house ever uses the oven. That's why I use it to store Aunt Pearl's quilt. I just want to make pizza rolls. Microwave is for pizza rolls. The oven is for bulky storage. See, this is what happens when I go against my instincts. You are never staying home alone again. End of story. Hello. I still need my lunch. Grandma, I gotta go. A librarian just walked in. Is that Pat? Happy Thanksgiving. Lisa, I think you probably know my son, Brick, from the library. Sure. Nice tie. Thanks. It's really hard to find clothes with a book theme. Tell me about it. And so, I give it to him and he files the book under 592. And it was a botany book. Oh my god, everyone knows botany is 580-589. Of course. You know a book I really love? Catcher in the Rye. Really? What was your favorite part? When he caught the rye. That's what I thought. Excuse me, I thought this was the bathroom. What you doing? Brick was just showing me his books. He's got an amazing collection. Oh really? I showed Lisa my car when I drove her here. Because I have a car and a driver's license. Do you have a driver's license, Brick? No, but I have a library card. Oh yeah? I stayed up till midnight last night. How about you? The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Okay. I know you and your brother have had trouble in the past. Maybe we could help each other out. Does he have any weaknesses? Vulnerabilities? Bob, are you scared that my nine-year-old brother is gonna steal your girlfriend? So allergies, maybe? From grandma and grandpa? Can you believe this? Can you believe that she would do this? I told her that we were doing a simple Christmas. Okay, well, she's not getting away with this. What happened to be patient and Christmas is about family? Oh, screw that. Look at all these presents. You know what this is? This is a big winking wave-off from my mom. Yeah, well, I am the mom in this house and what I say goes. What are you doing? Getting these in the garage before the kids wake up. Come on, stuff some in a bag. Mom, why are you taking our presents? Why? Uh, see, the thing is, Brick. Frankie, what on earth are you doing? Presents, sweet! There's a gazillion presents over there. No, no, no. Hey, hey, guys, there's more of them over here. No, take it over there. Guys, guys, did anybody look in their stocking and find a refreshing treat? No, hey, stop it. Guys, stop. Stop it! Frankie, why don't you let them open their presents? Because I told you we're doing a simple Christmas. I didn't think you meant us, too. Oh, you knew I met you, too, and you ignored me. You've been winking and waving at me all over the place since you got here. Well, I am sorry, Frankie, but there is no way I was participating in that insanity. A simple Christmas is just really a lame idea. I told you not to tell her that. You don't cut back at Christmas. It's Christmas! Who are you people? When I was a kid, for my allowance, I got one cent for every year of my life. That means when I was 12, I got 12 pennies, Mom. 12 pennies! Back then, we were parents. Now we're grandparents. We have to be grand. It's in the title. There ain't no pockets in heaven. Talking Glo? Thanks, Grandma and Grandpa. You got him the Talking Glo? Yes, I did, and I would do it again. The only good thing about getting older is you get to be popular. If I have to buy those kids love, I will. Let's get that straight right now. We were trying to learn a lesson. We were all going to be better people. Yeah, well, I didn't drive 140 miles to watch my grandkids learn a lesson. What, did you read an article or something? Relax. Your kids are going to be fine. I just wanted them to have a heartfelt Christmas. You know, to appreciate the orange. What's the orange? The orange in the stocking. The depression. Your mom got an orange. She was really grateful. Oh, God, that? You get oranges year-round now. Who cares? I care! She always flips out at Christmas. I think she gets too excited. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Don't you look at Mike like I'm the crazy one. He is right in there with me. You're driving him nuts. He hates it how you follow him all over the place, telling him all your stories. He hates it. He hates it to himself, but he hates it. I told you to give Mike some space. Oh, hey, honey. How was school? What's going on? What is this? Oh, I'm taking back my house. I thought that was just yesterday. No, no. I have tripped over my last tennis ball. I have sat on my last joystick. You guys are going to start keeping all your crap in your room. So dig in this pile for what's yours, because anything that's left is going in the trash. Oh, my God. What did you do to the family room? You like it? I've always wanted it this way. No, I don't like it. It's like you're trying to pretend you never had us. Dad, look what you did to the family room. Hey, looks great. I know, right? We actually have a pretty nice family room. I'm not embarrassed to have people over anymore. Don't worry. We're not having people over. Can one of you take me to the library? Brick, do you not even notice what they did? Oh, weird. So can one of you take me to the library? I feel like reading about Peru. No, Brick, sorry. Can't. Actually, won't. I just got home from work, and I am going to eat my pizza for once while it's still hot. That's really annoying. If you're really dying to find out about Peru, look it up online. But I like books. I like the feel of paper in my hands. Well, I like the feel of pizza in my hand, so nobody's taking you anywhere right now. God, if you don't want to do anything for us, why'd you even have kids? Guys, babies are cute. If you'd have come out teenagers, we might have had to rethink. Greg, you guys got the wrong pizza. That's yellow things all over. What is this? Pineapple pizza. Oh, my. Still good, huh? I still don't get it. Why are you doing this? What is this about? You trying to teach us some kind of lesson? Axel, you really think we have nothing better to do than sit around thinking up lessons to teach you? This isn't about you. Your mom and I love this pizza, and we never get it. Now we're getting it. But we don't like this pizza. You'll eat what we provide. In the wild, when the lion brings back the zebra he just killed, the cubs don't get to say, we don't like zebra, we wanted wildebeest. When the lion brings back zebra, everybody eats zebra. But I don't like zebra. I want wildebeest. Well, all we've got is zebra. But the zebra has pineapple on it. Wait, who's the lion in this story? I'm the lion. I'm the lion in all the stories. Want to have some fun, roomie? It was that last night, roomie. We must have woken up Axel's baby 10 times. What? Why does fun always have a price? Relax. This should be easy. All we have to do is pull out all the loose pieces before applying the spackle. Loose pieces. They're all loose pieces. OK. I cut the hole to fit this piece of drywall I found in the garage. Now, if my measurements are correct, it should be perfect. No, I told you guys. I can't just drop everything and go to a movie anymore. I'm taking care of a baby. Oh, man. Ah! This thing is ruining my life. Why do I have to do this? I get it. If a girl invites you into her bed, there'll be consequences. Don't I know it. OK. I've got a screwdriver so we can reach the piece. Honey because it's sticky. And an egg because mom wants me to eat more protein. Great. Give me the screwdriver. Oh, I think I feel it. I think I... Oh, no. Sue, we have to get that back. Axel was using it. Can you see it? Uh-oh. Brick, are you kidding me? You dropped the egg? You dropped the screwdriver. Screwdrivers don't smell. They're going to find us out. It's a telltale egg. The egg's got to be here. It's got to be in one of them. Sue, it's over. Can't be over. How did this whole thing go so wrong? I just wanted a roommate. I thought we were going to have fun together. I had fun. Really? Really. Just by not sitting on my head, you're a way better roommate than Axel. Thanks, brick. All we have to do is patch a few holes and then we're home free. We still need to find a screwdriver. Oh, there it is.