Byron Bertram "Live at the Biltmore"

Wow. Thank you very much for being here. This is so great to film my first comedy special here in my home city of Vancouver. Yes. Man, Vancouver is one of the most beautiful cities in the world. I'm proud to be from Vancouver, live in Vancouver. Vancouver is a very international city for people that might see this around the world. It's the only city where you could surf and ski on the same day. It's a very beautiful place, right? But because it's so beautiful, it's so expensive. And because it's so expensive, we have some of the most pretentious people in all of North America, right? Even the homeless community has attitude. I saw these two arguing about the most superficial reason over a shopping cart. It's like, where did you get your shopping cart, Safeway? I got mine at Whole Foods, you fucking bum. A lot of people don't know that Vancouver, we have some great tourist attractions, but our best tourist attraction is the crackhead flea market. You never know when you're going to get offered and stolen items. It's amazing. Every time you walk down the street, somebody's like, do you want to buy a Fabergé egg and a Nickelback CD? Not really in the market for that. How about a bike with one wheel and a microwave lid? I don't know what I could do with that. How about a broken DVD player and a half-eaten Ferrero Rocher? Sold. Vancouver is one of the most international cities in North America, and we have so many people with different accents from different nationalities, but for some reason, every crackhead has the same accent. It's crazy. You ever hear them talk? They all sound the same, right? They're like, wouldn't it be great if the side effects of being a crackhead were good posture and a posh English accent? It's like, can you spare $2.89 so I can go to Tim Hortons and get to double-double? It's like, are you from England? No, I'm actually from Calgary. I'm just addicted to crack. Man. Man, I was in the UK. They do a lot of cocaine there. Cocaine is so high status as a drug, so socially acceptable as a drug, they look down on people that smoke pot as being junkies. I saw this one guy giving this guy shit for sharing a joint in London. He's like, what you blokes do? You smoke your marijuana? You smoke your marijuana? Well, why don't you get a real job so you can afford some proper jobs, you fucking losers? I was like, what do you do for a living? He's like, I'm the Prime Minister, mate. You want to do some loins with me, my flat in 10 Downing Street, mate. They drink a lot there. It's hard not to be an alcoholic doing comedy, you know? You need to be an alcoholic to do this. Need validation from strangers and darkly lit spaces. Have a little pain go bye-bye juice. I can't have hard alcohol. That gets me into trouble. I went to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in Scotland. I drank way too much whiskey there. Yeah, you were there. Whiskey, man, gets me into trouble. I feel like whiskey is a lot like Scottish people. You hang out with them for a few hours, man, you pay the price the next day. Whiskey is just a bad influence. It's my worst friend. It's like, Byron, it's your best friend, Johnny Walker. Do you want to hang out with me, Byron? I love you. Hang out with me. Come on, hang out with Johnny. I'm like, no, Johnny. You always get me into trouble. Oh, come on. I've been sitting in a highlands for a long time. I'm bored. Just sitting in a barrel. Play with me. I'm 18 years old. I'm sexy as fuck. Come on. I'm single, malked and ready to mingle. Do you like my cologne? I smell woody and oaky like your grandfather's cabin. Come on. Give us a wee kiss. Just a wee kiss. I'm like, no, I have to get up for work early tomorrow and I'm on a diet. I always make bad decisions. Just a wee kiss, Byron. Okay. One kiss. How about another wee kiss? All right. Now deep throat me. I drink the whole thing. You know you want to. Aye. You're not on a diet now. You're going to get McDonald's and you're going to get cocaine and you're going to drive home intoxicated and you're going to call your ex-girlfriend and you're going to start crying because you're just like your father. I was your father's best friend too. Oh, do you feel sick? Aye, throw up, throw up, throw up. You weak stomach piece of shit. Throw up. Do you got a headache? That's because I'm playing the bagpipes. This isn't a comedy bit. This is just a speech I'm preparing for AA next Tuesday. I like wine. Wine's my favorite drink. I like white wine. Drinking white wine dressed like this I look like a door guy at a gay bar. I like white wine. You know what's funny? I was at a wine tasting and at the wine tasting they were playing a UFC fight. It was really weird. You had two types of people. You had a bunch of these aggro dude bro UFC guys and they had a bunch of these pretentious wine tasters. I saw one guy, he was both. He was like a UFC dude bro wine connoisseur. He's like, yo buddy, check it out. The expressive tannins in this Cabernet Sauvignon is totally like harsh rock in my palate buddy. Fuck yeah. Last night me and my boys kicked down some mailboxes and scald down a bottle of Grand Cru Chardonnay from the French Alps of fucking Bordeaux. It gave me like an aroma smackdown and notes of lemon, cedar, and passion fruit. I'm also getting some smoky undertones of honey and tobacco buddy. Fuck yeah. Yo big dog, you drinking the Chilean Shiraz? It's got a great ground game eh? Saturday night it's totally gonna make that 2021 Argentinian malt back top out like a bitch. Yo big dog, you having a beer? I'm having a rosé fag. You have no idea how long it took me to memorize that script. A lot of words for a high school education. Some people are good at handling their alcohol. Some people aren't. I have a friend, one of my best friends, he's like Mensa level genius. After two beers, autistic potato. This guy will hit on women, he'll insult them, and then to make things funnier he'll offer the girl a high five. He'll be like, hey lady you're kind of fat but that's cool let's have sex. High five. You got beautiful blue eyes like the ocean but one of Did it, did it, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Is that why you're in a wheelchair? High five. Oh sorry, low five. One time I did that joke and this woman in a wheelchair was there and she said I thought you were really funny it's just too bad you had to make fun of people with disabilities and I'm like oh I'm so sorry I wasn't trying to make fun of people with disabilities at all. I was trying to make fun of people that say dumb shit when they drink and right then and there this drunk guy comes up and he's like hey I just want to let you know I thought it's funny when you make fun of the lady in the wheelchair. But I don't think it's funny when you make fun of people that say dumb shit when they drink. I say dumb shit when I drink all the time. I just piss my pants right now. High five. And then the woman in the wheelchair said you sir are retarded and then I got offended. I'm like excuse me that word's been canceled. And she goes I could say retarded because I'm in a wheelchair. Checkmate mother fucker. And I said just because you're in a wheelchair doesn't mean you're retarded. She's like no I'm retarded because I voted for Justin Trudeau the second time. High five. That joke usually gets a standing ovation in Alberta apart from the people in the wheelchairs of course. Oh man trying not to joke too much about politics man. Politics just drives me nuts. COVID was really polarizing man. You know it was terrible COVID for stand-up comedians. We couldn't we couldn't do this. We couldn't do this a few years ago because of social distancing. Remember that? That killed stand-up comedy. Nobody suffered more because of social distancing than stand-up comedians. Nobody apart from suicide bombers. That'll be weird timing hey middle of March 2020. You want to be the next Spit in Latin? The pandemic hits. It's like today is my day. March 15th, 2020. 9-11 part two. Death to the West. Death to the infidel. I go to airport ala Akbar. Nobody is there. I drive pickup truck of explosives into oncoming traffic rush hour. I did not hit one fucking person. Everyone staying home saving lives watching Netflix Tiger King. Fuck you Carol Baskin. Suicide hotline? I have nothing to die for. What am I going to do? Work from home? It does not work this way. If I wanted to die alone I would do stand-up comedy on Zoom. One time I did that suicide bomber joke and this girl in yoga attire stood up and was like don't joke about tourism. I'm like you mean terrorism? She's like whatever. Don't joke about 9-11 because I shop at 7-11. It's only two numbers away asshole. Man COVID sucked. I'll never take this for granted again. COVID just man. You know I hated a lot about COVID. I'm sure you did too. Everybody's opinions about COVID. People just got into so many stupid fights. It was like two different camps. It was like team safety and team freedom. It was like the Bloods versus the Crips but on Facebook. Team safety, those people were virtuous and paranoid. I couldn't stand them. They were just like if you don't wear three masks, two condoms, and a butt plug when you're driving alone with the windows rolled up then you're trying to kill my grandmother. Trump, Taylor, Satan, Nazi trucker. But then team freedom, those people were exhausting. I would get links every morning at 8 a.m. just like ding wake up Byron. What's this? COVID is a plandemic bro. It was created in Jeffrey Epstein's island when Bill Gates and Prince Andrew were having sex with an underage bat. I'm like where did you read this? I wrote the article myself. It's a legitimate source motherfucker. I got vaccinated but I had a hard time telling some of my friends that didn't get vaccinated that I got vaccinated. I felt like a closet case coming out to his homophobic parents. I'm like Frank, Dale, I got something to tell you. I got vaccinated. You're like well we don't want to drink at the bar with you anymore. I'm like well that won't be a problem because you don't have a passport on your phone. I do because I'm dual citizen of Canada and COVID. I waited a while to get vaccinated though. I treated the vaccine like a lot of people treat cocaine that might have fentanyl in it. You let your friend go first. The people that are clapping right here, they definitely do cocaine. I don't know if you know anybody who unexpectedly passed away and you have a mutual friend who's an anti-vaxxer. Man that guy wants that person's death to be about the vaccine. You notice that? You're like Frank, did you hear about Dave? He's like yeah probably took the vaccine. I'm like no, he had a mishap skydiving. Do you know who the biggest parachute distributor is? Fucking Moderna. Wake up you libtard piece of shit. Oh man, dating during COVID was crazy. I dated this Russian girl during COVID man. We broke up about a year and a half ago. Good time to break up with a Russian. I don't know if you've been watching the news. Something's going on there. She did not give a shit about COVID. I was with her in the lockdown. She's like who cares about COVID my bear. She kept calling me my bear. I guess she thought I looked like a fat gay guy. She's like who cares about COVID my bear. Chinese men go cough cough. Everyone go boohoo. Now they close ballet. Bullshit. I was like well Nadia, so far three million people have died of this new virus. She goes three million? Ha, three million nothing. In Russia, three million comedians die when they make fun of government on Facebook. Too soon, too now. I was with her during the Black Lives Matter movement. Man, Black Lives Matter is everywhere. I said did Black Lives Matter, did the movement make it to Russia? She goes no, but we have something very similar. It is called No Lives Matter. Life is pain and then you die. Dirty talk of the Russian is scary. It's like a government interrogation. One time we're having sex. She's like tell me two things you like about me right now my bear. I was like fuck, I hate multitasking. I don't know what to say. It's like number one, you're a great cook. Number two, you let me inside you. She goes two things I like about you my bear, you look like my father and you are white. What the fuck? And I don't know if it's worse the fact that she said that to me when we're having sex or the fact that that's what made me cum. I knew she had daddy issues because every time we're having sex she's like the faster I went the creepier it sounded. I don't know what to say. It's like mom, fuck you for mother Russia. Man, online dating, it's brutal. It's brutal. I'm in my 40s and online dating in your 40s sucks because a lot of women my age, they've been hurt by a lot of shitty dudes, right? And it comes across in their profile. A lot of them are just yelling at the last guy that treated them badly. These girls know what I'm talking about. So many girls, just red flags, your profile will be like Chelsea 41 profile. Look, if you're the kind of guy who's gonna chase after my friends, blow the rent money at the casino and bang your secretary when I'm five months pregnant, then you could just swipe left before I swipe your dick off, you piece of shit. Also, no baggage. Guys are way more simple, right? We're just like, my name's Kyle. Here's a halibut. What the fuck? Nevermind the dick. Here's a fish pick. I find girls in big cities have way higher expectations on Tinder than smaller towns. Like us in Los Angeles, girls there looking for a unicorn. They're just like, you must be at least six feet, make seven figures, have an eight pack, have a nine inch dick, drive a Maserati, and have an electric powered yacht. Because I'm not just a gold digger, I'm also an environmentalist. But then as in rural Arkansas, way low expectations on Tinder. They're just like, you can stick in my ass as long as you got a truck. So many girls I meet, they got a dog, they love their dogs. Yeah, you like dogs? Yeah. I like dogs, but we can just stop like talking about them being better than people. This girl, do you think? I don't know. This last girl I was just hanging out with, it was like, my dog Charlie's the best. Dogs are better than people. Isn't Charlie the best? Charlie's a rescue dog. Isn't it beautiful? Where did you rescue Charlie from? Chernobyl? It's missing half its fur and it's got a radioactive eye. Charlie's the best. Is Charlie the best? Every time the doorbell rings, he tries to chew its own leg off. Are dogs better than people? Are they? Yeah, really? What was it? Here's my friend Dave. He's the best. Sure, we had to cut his nuts off to prevent him from terrorizing the neighborhood. He hurt a lawnmower, so he bit a baby. And he eats its own shit. But look at his jawline. He's adorable. Dave is the best. Sounds like something out of a true crime documentary. You got true crime fans here? Yeah. Women love true crime. It's fucking creepy. I don't get it. You just want to bash me over the head with a candlestick in the billiards room, Colonel Mustard. Oh, that's a bit dated, that reference. I don't know what it is about true crime documentaries. It always starts with some redneck detective who talks about how they missed all the clues in the 70s and the 80s. Man, could have got the guy right away, but then there'd be no Netflix series. He's like, my name is Detective Leroy Jackson. I'm on the Lafayette, Louisiana Homicide Division, 15 years. This case sure gives me the heebie-jeebies. That's not a real word, but it does it to me. This case started coming to light when people started going missing. Last seen in a Volkswagen van, license plate 666666, driven by a Caucasian man, 5'10", with a bloodstained tank top. We saw somebody matching that description with the same license plate. We pulled him over and we said, sir, do you know there's somebody who looks just like you with the same license plates? You better get that sorted. And we let him go because it was 1981, we were in the South, and he was white. Anyway, body parts started showing up, and I got to tell you, I've never seen so much blood, fecal matter, semen, and clown makeup in my entire years on the force. And that's seen a lot because I've been to several public toilets at McDonald's. Anyway, DNA technology became available and we finally got a match. You wouldn't believe who it was. It wasn't that suspect. It wasn't even a man. It was a dog. It was Charlie, but Charlie's the bat. Charlie the bat. Yeah, I watch too much true crime. I watch too much true crime. Only thing I like more than true crime is watching American politics, man. Man, that stuff's exciting, isn't it? It is, man. You know, people are so divisive about Trump. A friend of mine showed me a hate Trump dating app in the States. Isn't that crazy? Now, if you hate Trump, that's fine, but should that be the whole basis of a relationship or even a hookup? It's like, you hate Trump, I hate Trump. We matched. Do we have anything else in common? Movies, music, hiking, dancing? No. What do you want to do? Just talk about Trump and have sex? Great. Let's get this party started. You hate Trump, lady? Oh, I hate Trump too. Oh, yeah. Oh, I hate that orange piece of shit. Yeah. I bet I hate him more than you. Oh, let's do a doggy style so we can both watch Anderson Cooper on CNN when we fuck. Do you know what really turned me on? Talk to me like Trump. Talk to me like Trump. Talk to me like that orange piece of shit. You know what? You're doing a great job. You're doing a tremendous job. You're tapping it great. You're tapping it great. Drill, baby, drill. You're gonna fuck me on the way to China. And you're doing a great job. And the mainstream media won't even report what a great job you're doing. They won't even turn the cameras around, and that's a shame. I wasn't gonna say it, but I am gonna say it. I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come. I'm gonna make coming great again. Mark my words. I'm so close. I'm so close. Oh, oh, fake orgasm. You're fired. I'm glad you guys left Vancouver because I did that joke in northern Alabama. Didn't get the same reaction. What the hell are you trying to say, boy? You better have a truck. I try not to get too political. I don't know where I stand politically, you know? It's easy to make fun of Trump. It's hard to make fun of Biden, right? You make fun of Biden, it just feels like elder abuse. Feels like you're beating up an old man who should be in a retirement home. Man, he just goes off, and he doesn't know what he's doing. He's like, you're my wife. You're my sister. You're a chair. Come on, man. You don't want to touch my leg hair. Little kids in the pool used to touch my leg hair. Come on, man. Senator Booty just told me that you guys got to get vaccinated because the hurricanes are coming. How did I get on the stage? How do I get off the stage? I'm Joe Biden, and I forgot this message. His press conferences are kind of scary. Have you ever heard him talk when they let him speak, when the lizard people let him speak? Oh, my God. You know, they're like, Mr. President, inflation's at a 40-plus year high. What are you going to do to make this situation better? Some of these nurses, they keep stealing my slippers. President Biden, Vladimir Putin said he might nuke the Ukraine. What are you going to do if he does that? You know, Carmela tells me there's only four more sleeps till hot dog day. Yeah, we're in trouble. I don't know where I stand politically. I'm a little, I'm kind of moderate. I'm a little left wing. I'm a little right wing, you know, like, like I'm all for gay marriage, but I also love throwing garbage in the ocean. That's so much fun. Man, I'm kind of moderate. I really am, you know, but I'm not just a moderate chicken shit. Like, I'm a passionate moderate centrist. Like, I will march for radical moderate centrist causes. I'll be like, save half the rainforest. We also need farmland. Climate change is real. It also might be bullshit. We want the pipeline, but only in Alberta. Make America just okay. Believe all women, unless it is my ex-wife, you know, right down the middle. Man, crazy times we're in, right? Inflation, war, plague. It's not the worst time in history, though. It's not. Like, I'm a big history buff. A hundred years ago, back in like 1924, life expectancy was like 50 something. Now it's pushing 90, because a hundred years ago, anything could kill you in 1924. And it'd be like, seatbelts? What are those? Who cares? We got top hats. Ah, you're pregnant, huh? You're smoking for two, unfiltered. You don't need a mask. You're a hockey goalie, not a bank robber. Penicillin? Never heard of it. Sounds clear. You like that? I wonder if that's the sound guys made when they were making love in the 1920s and 1930s. You like that, toots? You like that, you dirty little Jezebel? You dirty little suffragette? Did I catch you trying to vote behind my back? I'll make your suffrage all right, you say? I'll stick in your great depression, you say? Hello, my honey. Hello, my darling. Hello, my ragtime girl. Send me a kiss, bye-bye. Baby, my dick's on fire. I can explode like the Hindenburg. Oh, the humanity. Like, if some of you are under 30, you're like, what song is that? Is that The Weeknd? I'm in my 40s, and me in my 40s, I can't do hard luck stories like my grandparents, great-grandparents, First, Second World War, Great Depression, Spanish Influenza. I can't complain, growing up in the 80s and 90s, you know? How do you complain? It's like, you kids got it easy, you see? Back in my day, after you finished watching porn, you couldn't just close the laptop, you had to rewind the tape. Take it back to Blockbuster, you get a fine, you see? Back in my day, if you went on the internet, your head or a robot would have a nervous breakdown for 30 seconds. God, I'm so old, I remember when LGBTQ2S was just a Wi-Fi password. Back in my day, after you took a dick pic, you had to wait an hour to get it developed. And that, by the time you mailed it off, you didn't even have an erection anymore. Things sure were difficult back in 1998. I guess we got a lot of trouble still, you know? Climate change is a big one, right? Climate change. A friend of mine's younger sister, she's all obsessed about climate change so much that she says, if you think climate change is a hoax, you are a Nazi. And I'm like, isn't that crazy, how easy it is to be a Nazi now? Imagine how offensive that would be, to be called a Nazi. You know, like real Nazis, you know? Like, you know, ones that get standing ovation in the House of Parliament, you know? It's like, this is how easy it is to, like... And like, it's just so easy to be a Nazi. All you have to do is disagree with the weather or believe there are less than 17 genders and you could be a Nazi. It wasn't always so easy. When I was younger, it was hard to be a Nazi. We had to fly planes. We had to drive tanks. We had to go to Poland without a work visa. We had to go to Russia in the winter. Ooh, chilly. We had to drink Fanta. Nobody likes Fanta. We did not have Minecraft. We had to read Mein Kampf. We didn't have video games. We didn't have social media. When we went to camp, we had to concentrate. Oh! I love how polarizing that is because some of you groan and some of you clap and cheer. You know why these people clapped and cheered? Because they're Nazis. Literally Hitler. It's funny how words are more important than actions, you know? Like, my mother, she's, like, old-school left-wing, you know, liberal. But by today's standard, she's, like, a right-wing extremist just because of her language. She hasn't changed, but the language's changed, right? Isn't that ridiculous, you know? She's, like, I don't get all this political, you know, quoteness and stuff. I've always been on the right side of history. I marched with the blacks. I marched with the gays. I marched with the trannies. I'm, like, well, you can't say that last part unless you're referring to an automobile part, okay? It's, like, what do I call them then? He-shes? I'm, like, that's even worse. You call them they-thems. She's, like, why do I have to call them they-thems? I'm, like, because, mother, climate change. She's, like, why are you lecturing your mother? I'm, like, you're not my mother. A 23-year-old angry person of blue hair told me you are my egg-producing birthing parent, okay? And she's, like, and what is your father? I'm, like, he is a semen-donating cisgendered person of non-menstruation. She's, like, you don't need to lecture me. I was in labor with you for 33 hours. I'm, like, that's because I didn't give you consent to give birth to me, okay? You should have canceled me. Now you're canceled. My mom's funny. She's, uh, she's here, by the way, for this special occasion. My parents are here. Love my parents to death. My mom's funny. She'll screw up the words of stuff. We'll talk about movies. She'll be, like, I saw this great movie. It was a prison movie. It was called the Shankshaw Retribution. It had Morgan Freechild and Baskin Robbins. They have the best interracial chemistry since Mel Gilbert and Danny Clover in the Deadly Weapon film. That Mel Gilbert was such a hunk. It's just too bad after he made The Passionate Christmas, he got all anti-seismic against the Jews. Probably is hanging out with Cain West after he lost his mind breaking up with Kim Cartizan. Then my dad will be, like, it's Mel Gibson. She'll be, like, don't you lecture me. I'm allowed to fantasize about Hollywood dreamboats. If I gave you a hall pass to have a threesome with Selma Heimlich and Michelle Pfizer, then you could let me fantasize about Mel Gilbert, George Clooney, and that Spaniard Antonio Barbados. I'll even go younger. I'm not ages. Who's that Aquaman, Jason Mimosa? I would drink that for lunch. God, it's hot in here. I'm sweating like Justin Trudeau at a trucker rally. It was awesome, man. I love Vancouver, Vancouver's my home, but I travel a lot internationally. And man, I'm a big soccer fan. Are you soccer fans here? Only time we get excited about soccer is during the World Cup, right? That's the only time we seem to really get excited. And then it's cultural bandwagon jumping at its finest. You ever noticed that? It's crazy. It's just like, dude, you're Chinese. Why are you wearing a Columbia top? It's like, oh, because I like a kidnapping and cocaine. It's like, you're German. Why are you wearing an Argentina jersey? It's like, oh, because my grandfather moved there in 1946. I'm like, you're American. Why are you wearing a Russia top? Because they helped me win an election. Okay, great guy. That's my impression of Barack Obama. Soccer's a funny game. You know, you think somebody's going to score. They never do. It's frustrating, right? You hear the British play-by-play. You think somebody's going to score. They never do. It's like, it's Nigel Johnson on a two-on-one. It's Nigel. He's all in the clear. A glorious opportunity for Nigel. This could be it. This could be the winner. And back to Wilson. Oh, Wilson Easton, it was tapping into a wide open net. It's going to be pandemonium. It's going to be euphoria. And back to Jones. Oh, I'm going to do backflips and light fireworks out of my asshole while singing, God save the Queen. And offside. Final whistle. Nail, nail. It's like trying to sneeze for 90 minutes. Ah, ah, fuck. But I was in Dubai in the Middle East. And they make a low-scoring game like soccer. Sound like Armageddon there, man. It's amazing. It's like. Come on now, son. Back to Jones. That's some exhausting racism right there. I was in Dubai recently, man. Anybody been to Dubai? Yeah. You ever been there? It's like Las Vegas, right? Except without the fun. And they got this crazy subway system there. It's amazing. They got this crazy subway system. And they got the announcements in Arabic and in English. It's amazing. It's like. And then they do it in English. Your next station is. It's like, what a relief. I thought I missed my stop. That's one before. And then I have to transfer to the line. I'm glad you guys are laughing. Because I did that joke there. Didn't get the same reaction. So glad my hand grew back. These ladies are mocking me. They're like, we have two hands. Yeah. Traveled all around the world. But Canada's Canada's home. Like a lot of Canadians. I'm a huge hockey fan. We got hockey fans here. I love hockey. But can we just stop interviewing those fucking hockey players? They're not very smart. All right. There's a second reason they have a helmet. All right. Just shut up and play the game. I don't want to hear what they got to say. You wouldn't interview a horse after you won a race, right? It's like, how do you feel, Seat Biscuit? All right. Go shit on the floor. Hockey players, hockey players, they always get asked stupid questions. And they have equally stupid responses, right? It's like, you're down 2-1. Going into the third. What do you need to do to get back into this game? Well, you know, St. Louis Blues, they got good guys. But I think we got gooder guys. We just got getting in their zone and not our zone. We got to stay away from our goalie. Gotta give credit where credit's due. There's a lot of credit and so much of it is due. Special teams are important. We have special teams. We got special needs. We got to get in there hard and deep. I mean, I like it hard and I like it deep. We're gonna push in their zone. Because if we get more pucks behind their goalie's holes and less behind our goalie's holes, then come June, we're gonna have a parade. There he is. Sidney Crosby. First game back. After his eighth concussion of the month. Can't even grow a mustache. What a fucking idiot. Back to you, Gene. Only time I listen to somebody talk about hockey is when they're really old. Somebody who's in their 90s pushing 100. If you hear an old guy talk about hockey, man, the world is a tougher place. Hockey was a harder game. You hear these old guys are like, we were supposed to win. Half our team had polio. Lucky for us, we caught a break when the other guys came down with Spanish influenza. But now we had a setback when our coach, when our goalie stopped to puck and lost his leg to gangrene. And then in game seven, overtime, our coach died of scurvy. But we persevered and that was the final time that Toronto Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup. Oh, man. Thank you very much for coming, by the way. I just want to let you know that I actually went to high school just a few blocks away from here and I performed in 30 countries and it's great to be here. Kind of went full circle. It's awesome. I went to high school a few blocks away from Sir Charles Tupper Secondary. Got some fellow alumni from my school. Thank you for coming. My school is very multicultural. It was very multicultural. My school is so multicultural that whenever a white kid's name was in the honor roll, the high school principal reading it, he just acted like he smelled a fart in an elevator. Be like, we have some wonderful students who achieved honor roll status. Their names are as follows. Sequinder Ball, Gita Bindi, Quang Bui, Tommy Choo, Mindy Choo, Bob Cooper, really? Hubbard near Dollywell, Lisa Hung, Nancy Hung, Iqbal Jewel, Farooq Jiwa, Dog Jones. No fucking way. Really? Elbert Lee, Benson Lee, Cindy Lee, David Lee, Edwin Lee, Francis Lee, Gary Lee, Henry Lee, Lily Lee, Lily Lee, so many Lees. I'm exaggerating. None of the white kids made the honor roll. I got picked on a lot in school. I did, because I was a little, because it was a very multicultural school. I was one of the few white kids in an all-Asian school and I was a little overweight, wasn't academic. Every day, Chinese kids made fun of me. Every day, they would just be like, ooh, Byron, ooh, Byron, ha ha. Byron didn't do his homework. Lee, la, say, say, bum, mo, la, say, say, say. You're gonna fail your math exam, fat boy. You're gonna have to go to summer school now, stupid guai lo. Stupid, stupid, so stupid. You like that? My last name is Bertram and for some reason, a few Chinese kids thought Bertram sounded close enough to butt ram. So that was my nickname for four years. It's like Byron Bertram, sounds like Byron butt ram. You are Byron butt ram. You ram the butts, you are gay. You are fat and you are gay. You eat the food, you eat the dick, oh, you are fat and gay. One time I did that for an old Chinese crowd and they gave me a standing ovation, a couple of them. This one guy stood up and was like, you're so funny. You sound like my cousin, David. And then this white woman stood up with blue hair and said, that's racist. I'm like, but the Chinese people are laughing. She goes, they don't know racism. I know racism, okay? Because I got a doctorate in human rights at the university of no sense of humor with a minor in quinoa. And then she said, you should call a racist hotline, figure your shit out, asshole. I'm like, a racist hotline? Is that a thing? I Googled it. It's a thing, it was crazy. I was like, thank you for calling the racist hotline. To report a racist, press one. To check your white privilege, press two. If you've been accused of being racist, but you don't think you're racist, press three. I'm like, all right, three. That's not a real option. You're probably racist. Let me transfer you to an operator. Hello, thank you for calling the racist hotline. This call is being recorded for quality training purposes. How can I help you? My name is Kyle. Your name is Kyle? You don't sound like somebody named Kyle. This call is getting off to the very best. But how can I help you? I'm like, yeah, Kyle, I'm a comedian, and I did a joke about getting picked on by Chinese kids, and a white woman said I'm racist. Am I racist? You got picked on by Chinese kids, but you're white? This is very confusing. I don't know if you're racist. I'm going to have to ask my supervisor. Can I put you on quick hold? No problem. Thank you very much for waiting. Your call's important to us. Please continue to hold. Thank you very much for waiting. I talked to my supervisor, and bad news, you are fucking racist. Why is that? Because you sound like a dumb redneck who was born and raised in a trailer park whose mother breastfed you moonshine while your daddy fucked his brother's cousin while playing the banjo while listening to the music of Leonard Skinner and ACDC. You come from a culture that is so pathetic. You cannot dance. You cannot do math. Your palate is so bland, you think mayonnaise is a spice. But you're most racist because you're currently doing an Indian accent for a bunch of white people in the basement of a two-story hotel for your comedy special. You actually think that, Kyle? No, no, no. I'm just reading from the manual. I don't write the policy. Is it written by an angry white woman named Karen? Hey, I just want to say, you guys have been absolutely fantastic. Thank you very much. I want to dedicate this special to my late, great comedy sensei, Mr. Daryl Lennox, and he would have been proud that I finally put this together, and I'm proud that I finally did it, and I thank you very much for coming. You guys have been great. Thank you very much, guys.