ANDREW 'BARNEY' BARNETT - ONE NIGHT IN NEWY - FULL STAND UP SPECIAL

So, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Andrew, Andrew Barnett. Everyone calls me Barney though, so if you see me around, feel free to use that, that's my nickname. Barney. Oh, he, him, too, by the way. Yeah, no, I've only just started doing that recently, because I kind of always thought, right, people would look at me, see all this that's going on, and be just like, yeah, nah, that's a he, him, isn't it, right? But then I realised my pronouns are only ever used when I'm not there, right? So I thought, I'll do some eavesdropping on my mates, see what's getting used out there in the wild, hey, see what my pronouns actually are. Yeah, it turns out all this time, my pronouns have been that c**t and this c**t, so. Just trying to swing it back, I don't know what you, you mispronouned me when I walked up here, didn't you, mate? You should have seen him, he's looking at me like, this c**t better be funny. That's he better be funny, thank you very much. It's my preference. What's your name, brother? Bill. Bill, f**k yeah, Bill. You're in the front row, it's not, no, he said it the way, it's not Bill. I love that people do that in a comedy club, they're just like, oh, f**k, I'm not giving him a real name, that'll f**k him. Bill, yeah, to be honest, Bill, I don't give a f**k what your name is. Oh, man, thanks for coming along though, that's nice of you, you're excited, you sound excited, thank you. We're excited. You didn't even smile at the end of it, that was amazing. Oh, man, it's nice. So we're mostly Newcastle locals? Yeah, make some noise if you're local. Right, now make some noise if you're from somewhere else. Oh, a couple of people, I like it, this is good, where are you, you said somewhere else, where are you from? London. London, originally. Newcastle will be like, f**k off, in Newcastle, this is, wow, yeah, how long have you been here? 26 years. F**k off. That's nice. What brought you out here? Travelling, and what job did you steal? Teachers. Teachers, oh, f**k yes, teachers, man. You guys, you're the only industry that had a good COVID, aren't you? No. What's your name, my English friend? Helen. Helen, Helen, don't lie to me, you had a good COVID, I know you had a, you know how I know you had a good COVID, Helen? Because I spent half of COVID doing your f**king job at my house. Holy s**t. Man, that home learning, that's a tough way to find out you're dumb, Helen. I had no idea how dumb I was, I had an 11-year-old looking at me like, oh, I thought you did year five, dad, I'm like, f**k, I thought I did year five too, mate, hey, they've changed some s**t, hey, I don't know what to tell you, mate, that is, because it's good, because post-COVID, now, proper international travel's on again in a big, bad way, like, I realised that, I was at a family reunion not long ago, and one of my younger cousins has just got back from his overseas gap year, he went over, did that thing that young Aussies do, went over, toured around Europe for a little bit, right, had a good time, but he did the thing that young Aussies do, where he took kind of a short trip, came back with a bit of a bulls**t accent, right, which is that's only Aussies do, he was talking to one of our aunties and he's doing this, he goes, oh, the croissants in Paris, I was like, d**khead, you grew up in Wolsend, settle down, right, that is, because that's only an Aussie thing, other cultures don't get involved, right, like, you think about the Japanese visitors we get here, right, do you reckon you've ever had one Japanese visitor come to Newcastle, hang out, love it, obviously, but then just go back to Tokyo and be like, ha, konnichiwa, d**khead, ah, arigato and that A, like, it's just an us one, that one, man, we're a weird country, that's why I like travel, travel helps you learn things, I learnt something on a trip recently, I was doing a little tour with some comedians, we were doing this tour through South East Queensland, and I was with a bunch of comedians, a bunch of guys in their 20s, and that's where I learnt that I'm not in my 20s anymore, yeah, I know, that's a cruel laugh, thank you, I know that's obvious, right, is there any guys in their 20s in tonight? Up here, yes, what's your name, bug in your 20s? Ethan, f**k, of course it's Ethan, that is, every third 20-something is called Ethan, right, Ethan and Eli and all these f**king biblical names that took a thousand and a half years off and now they're just f**king back, no, Ethan, Ethan, this is the thing, in my head, mate, I feel, how old are you? 20. 20, see, in my head, every guy here will tell you, in your head, you always feel about 25, right, in my knees, f**king definitely 42, right, but in your head, like, and this is the stuff, like, I realised I was getting old, because these guys were doing stuff that guys your age do and it was just giving me the shits for no reason, like, they're all in this little tour van and they're all vaping, right, which gave me the shits, right, I hate vaping, right, because I'm old enough to remember, when I was a kid, like, you'd get a lift from your friend's parents and it'd be all windows up, just on the darts, like, you'd be like, oh, good, we're hotboxing the falcon, are we, what, what's happening, there was a time in my childhood, Ethan, I reckon I was addicted to passive smoking, hey, you know, and I was like, man, I need you to have a cigarette, take the edge off this shit, hey, and so, it's been a tough week at school, mum, like, yeah, but that's the thing, like, these guys are all vaping and vaping's replaced cigarettes and I, this is my thing, I hate vaping, right, vaping's replaced cigarettes and vaping is the weakest replacement for cigarettes there is, because let's be honest, like, like, you're not supposed to say it, but at least smoking was cool, like, it was, wasn't it, smoking had sex appeal, didn't it, you know what I mean, it was James Dean, motorcycle, cigarette hanging out his mouth, vaping is some nerd named Ethan, standing in a cloud of vanilla, sucking a USB stick, it is, it's bullshit, you know what I mean, and they're addictive too, which is crazy, right, because cigarettes are addictive, but fuck, at least you had to earn your addiction, didn't you, you know what I mean, like, no one enjoyed their first cigarette, did they, no one had their first puff of a cigarette and went, oh, that does taste like watermelon, like, it's, and these guys, they're like, mate, nothing wrong with it, it's just water vapour, it's nothing bad, right, it's not just water vapour, because if it's just water vapour, how come no one's like, oh, man, I need a hit, put the kettle on, it's like, it's not just water vapour, right, and this is the thing that really worries me, these guys are telling me now, and you probably know this, Ethan, these guys are telling me now that you can get cannabis vape through a pen, right, yeah, one excited stoner over there, whoo, time to up the game, hey, no, but I think that's dangerous, right, because the first time some of our young people now ever try pot, it's through a pen, right, and I think that's dangerous, because if you want to breed a lazy, useless generation, yeah, let them get their pot through a pen, right, and that's a problem, because there's real problems we need that generation to solve, like, there's a climate crisis out there, right, they're going to have to learn to build infrastructure that can withstand a climate we have never seen, how do we expect them to learn to build that if they never had to learn to build a bong out of an orgy bottle and a piece of hose, do you know what I mean, that's literally engineering 101, you know, honestly, I worry about the kids, I live near a high school, the hose on my front lawn's been the same length for four years, I don't know what's going on with these kids, man, I've got two spares in the shed, like, I've fucking wasted that money, you know, I do, I worry about the kids, man, I worry about them a lot, because I look at the kids now, and like, the stuff they will and won't do doesn't make sense to me too, like, Ethan, riddle me this, mate, you and your mates, will any of you answer your mobile phone if you don't recognise the number that's calling, Ethan? No, see, that's it, they won't answer their mobile phone if they don't recognise the number that's calling, but they're more than comfortable sending a picture of their dick to someone they've never met, that is, you know, that's wildly inconsistent, isn't it, you know what I mean, because these guys I was hanging out with, their phone would ring, they'd be like, oh mate, I'm not answering that, that could be anyone, I'm not an idiot, hey, just got a match, better take a fresh one, here we go, like, it's, and I don't judge anything, because I know that's a generational thing, brother, because like, no, I'm 42, I've been married for 16 years, like, I was thinking about it, like, it just wasn't a thing when I was first dating my wife, like, when I was first dating my wife, if I'd even wanted to send her a dick pic, like, I, I would have had to get it developed, hey, do you know what I mean, that's extra steps, isn't it, because you, you've got to go to the chemist, then you've got to wait two or three days, you get it back, they've just put that little sticker on the photo, oh, looks like you had your finger over the lens, it's not my finger, weird, man, that's a weird generation, these guys are trying to convince me, they go, mate, everyone does it on the apps now, everyone does it, they all send them, like, if you and your missus split up and you were on the apps, you'd send one, and I, look, I don't judge you, Ethan, but I, I, no, I'll never, I'll never send one, right, because personally, I've just got a policy when it comes to dick pics, my policy is this, is personally, I don't want to show anyone my dick, unless I'm there to give it some context, do you know what I mean, like, yeah, he can't be in the world on his own, can he, you know, and he needs his spokesperson along for the ride, right, that is, some shit needs explaining, right, and that's the thing, I used to think I'd love to be back in my, see, would you like to be back in your 20s, you reckon, not Bill? Yeah, man, I thought that too, but now I'm watching the way that, the way these guys live, man, it doesn't look as fun as it was when I was in my 20s, like, the stuff these guys worry about now, right, with all the social media and all the comedians, these young comedians, they're all worried they're going to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, get cancelled, like, they just, I didn't realise how bad it was until earlier this year, I was in a green room at a comedy club, and it was the weekend, it was the week before Mardi Gras weekend, right, so all the young comedians, they're all chatting about what their plans are for Mardi Gras weekend, and one of them says to me, they go, hey, Barney, what are you up to for Mardi Gras, mate? And I was like, oh, nothing, he's like, oh, oh, you're not doing anything this year, I was like, mate, I don't do anything any year, do you know what I mean, Mardi Gras, no, no, I don't, and he just looks at me, he goes, oh, mate, oh, I wouldn't tell people that, hey, I was like, why not, he goes, mate, people will think you're homophobic, I know, that's crazy, because when I was in my 20s, for people to think you were homophobic, you had to say or do something homophobic, do you know what I mean, like, that is, that's changed, right, and I said, mate, it's nothing to do with that, like, I'm a big supporter of Mardi Gras, I think it's a great event, I love it, right, but it's just not for me, I don't go, it's not for me, right, because I know what Mardi Gras is and I know who I am, right, Mardi Gras is a great event, it is a festival, it is a celebration of sexuality, I am a middle-aged dad from the suburbs, yeah, you know what I am at Mardi Gras, I am fucking in the way, you know what I mean, I'm just adding to the traffic, hey, you know, like, that's like, it's one of the world's great parties, no one needs me there bringing down the vibe, right, it's like, like, everyone's part, I'm just off in the corner, just you know, doing that dad dance, it's all hips and lips, like, yeah, no, if I do that at Mardi Gras, people are looking, going, oh, man, be careful, I think that's another cup of gulp, hey, it's weird, it's funny, though, because, like, with the Mardi Gras thing, we're not going to Mardi Gras, like, I've got a mate of mine who's an older gay guy, he's about 60, you wouldn't know it to look at him, right, and he's been, like, a lifelong, like, activist and that sort of stuff, but he was telling me he doesn't go to Mardi Gras anymore, and I was surprised, because he goes, don't feel bad, Barney, I don't go to Mardi Gras anymore, and I said to him, why don't you go to Mardi Gras, Brent, you know what he said, he goes, oh, mate, too many straights, I said, fucking what, he goes, oh, mate, it's hetero hell out there, I was like, what are you talking about, he goes, mate, it's just all these young, 20-something straight people just on Instagram going, oh, I'm an ally, he's like, are you an ally, or do you like cocaine and MDMA, I was like, I don't want to, like, reinforce a negative stereotype here, Brent, but you're being kind of bitchy, mate, but I do take his point, right, because if you look at that, and you look at the way, like, the media covers all this stuff, you'd think now that everything's tickety-boo for the gay community, right, which you sort of think that everything's come along that way, but you only have to look at the way we handled the monkey pox outbreak to realise it's not quite, we're not quite there yet, right, do you guys have crossed what happened with the monkey pox outbreak? Some people not, some people just, it's all in the back, so basically, if you don't remember, what happened was, as we were coming out of COVID, there was a new pandemic on the World Health Organisation's radar, and it was this monkey pox, it started in Europe, and it was spreading, and it actually came to Australia, right, and it was like the World Health Organisation were like, oh, this is the next pandemic, we've all got to be careful, right, and then they realised it was only really affecting gay men, and everyone sort of just forgot about it. Like, it came to Australia, the Australian government just forgot to buy vaccines. Like, the vaccines existed, they forgot to, that's like, you know, when you get home from the shops, you're like, fuck, we needed bread, and even the way the news covered it was crazy, right, I remember watching the news, and the newslady said this about it, she goes, at the moment, the outbreak is restricted to three main groups, it's restricted to gay men, bisexual men, and men who have sex with other men. Yeah, I know, like, do you reckon we needed the third group, you know? Because I love a rule of three, but there's not many people in that third group who aren't a member of one of the first two groups, do you know what I mean? Like, what have we got, like, you know, prisoners and maybe some submariners, like, I don't, I don't know if there was an outbreak in the Navy we didn't hear about, right? And when I heard that, I thought, oh, okay, so maybe the monkey pox is a sexually transmitted disease, turns out it's not at all, right, the way monkey pox spreads is you get a rash, and if you have skin-to-skin contact with the rash, that's how it spreads, right, and that's when my brain went, okay, now I understand why it's only affecting men at this stage, right, because you're not supposed to say it, but let's be honest, when it comes to risk taking, women are much more sensible than men, aren't they? Women will be like, you do not come anywhere near me with that fucking rash, right, where guys will be a bit more like, oh, oh, give us a look, yeah, I reckon I could fuck around that, you know, like, I don't care what you're into, there's not a guy here who wouldn't risk it for a ten with a good personality, you know, like, I'm married, my wife came home with the pox tomorrow, it'd be three days before, I'm like, oh, come on, we're probably getting them anyway, we may as well enjoy ourselves, you know, I'd ask for sex before I think to ask her how she got it, hey, that is, it was a good, that trip, actually, that I was talking about before that I took through South East Queensland, because I was up there, and you know, sometimes it's good, you know, when work aligns with social life, because I caught up with a mate of mine up there at the time who was, him and his missus, they live up there, they live up near Brisbane, and they just had their first baby, they had a little baby girl, so I got to meet my mate's daughter, relatively young, which is cool, it did make me realise this, I don't know if you've noticed this, Newcastle, that the rules for meeting someone's daughter just vary wildly based on the age of the daughter when you meet her, no, I feel that tension, just go with me here, not Bill's looking at me like, geez, this cunt's about to end his career, it's like, it's he who's about to end his career, thank you, no, because I met my mate's daughter as a newborn, right, in those circumstances, you are encouraged by society and even my wife to comment on the beauty of the newborn, right, yeah, you meet someone's daughter, when that daughter's like, I don't know, 23, yeah, not so much, hey, you can't just be like, oh mate, she is gorgeous, geez, I'd bloody love a cuddle, do you mind if I hold her for a bit? Thank you, that was, instead of laughing, she just went, that's funny, Andrew, I'm going to put that, I'm going to put that on a poster, that's my pool quote, that thrown me, oh, thank you, I know it was funny, that's why everyone else laughed, oh no, it was interesting, it was interesting catching up with him, because what my wife and I, we had kids a lot younger than a lot of our friends, right, so he was all questions for me, because he, you know, they assume because you've been a dad a long time, you know what you're doing, which is a wild assumption when you think about it, right, because you do, you think you're going to become a dad, you'll automatically be a better person, turns out, same dickhead, heaps more responsibilities, hey, that is, no one warned me about that, so he was all like, mate, what's a change, what's fatherhood change when you first become a dad, right, and everyone tells you when you're expecting, oh man, it'll change your life, it'll change your life, but no one gives you specifics, so I like to give specifics, I said to him, I said that the biggest difference, I think, for me when we first had a newborn to before we had kids was probably, probably just my willingness to put my nose to the ass of another human being to check if they'd shit themselves, that, yeah, because before we had kids, like, very rarely came up, yeah, like once a month tops, right, but when, yeah, when you've got a newborn, that's every day, right, my wife would be like, does he need his nappy changed, I'd just be, it's always two sniffs too for some reason, which is weird because you do know after the first sniff, that cynical part of your brain kicks in, it's like, hey, just, just double check that shit smell, would you, because I think that's the same instinct we all get if you're in a crowded room and someone farts, for some reason we all do this, we go, is that, oh, it's like breathe through your mouth, it'll go away, that's the thing too, like I tried to explain to him, I tried to explain to him, oh man, the heart, he goes, what's the hardest thing, I said, the one thing everyone should warn you about, the hardest thing I think so far for me, is just be toilet training, well, make some noise if you've toilet trained a human being here, yeah, you hear that, that's the sound of grizzled veterans, they've seen shit, Ethan, you ever done it, Ethan, yeah, yeah, not you dickhead, toilet train someone else, man, you know what, you wake up every day, you call your mum and just say, thank you, I just flushed one, thanks for letting me know how that works, because it's the thing, if you've never done it right, here's what the situation is, is you have a human being of two to two and a half years of age, right, and that human being has a system for going to the bathroom, and it's your job as their parent to convince them, there's a new and better way, right, the trouble is, they don't have any problem with the old system, right, they're like, yeah, I crap myself dad, you clean it up, what's the big deal, right, because no one's more comfortable doing a poo than a toddler, right, a toddler will look you in the eye and do a poo, that is, that's confidence, isn't it, you know what I mean, well, they'll talk to you, they'll be, daddy, what's for dinner, honestly, I still can't use the ensuite if my wife's in the bedroom, these kids were eyeballing me, very intimidating in my own home, man, it's interesting catching up with that bloke too, he's a big rugby league fan, any rugby league fans in, no, this is Newcastle, of course there is, man, he was, he's, because he lived, he grew up near Redcliffe, so he was very excited, it was just before the start of the season, very excited about the dolphins coming into the rugby league, which, any dolphins fans in, not one, fuck, this is Newcastle ass, isn't it, mate, not, not here, not here, mate, I love that, I enjoyed watching the dolphins, because all their fans, fins up, fins, by the way, do you reckon when they saw fins up, the Cronulla sharks were like, oh, fucking fins, how did we miss fins, we've been talking about porch lights for 50 years, man, the dolphins, because he was excited, I was excited for him, but I said to him, I don't feel like dolphins is a good name for a rugby league side, do you know what I mean, because a dolphin doesn't scream rugby league, does it, do you know what I mean, a dolphin's not a rugby league animal, that's Flipper, that's your helpful aquatic mammal, right, but he gave me three facts about dolphins to prove that a dolphin is a rugby league animal, I'll share them with you, see what you think, all right, first dolphin fact is a dolphin can survive using only half its brain, I mean, that's pretty rugby league, isn't it, I mean, this is the town that spawned the Johns brothers, you guys know that, second fact about dolphins is when it comes to mating, dolphins often do it in groups, yeah, that's really rugby league, isn't it, that is, let's be honest, the grand final wasn't the first time those panthers went back to back to back, thank you, so it's good having a reviewer in, the third fact about dolphins, this is the one that put me over the top, he said with all the plastics in the ocean now, he said it's actually not that uncommon to find a dolphin with their nose in a bag, yeah, I mean, teach dolphins to send dick pics, that might be the most rugby league animal we've got, it's interesting, yeah, I love my sport, I do, I love sport, I think sport's a great part of the world, I think sometimes we do take it a bit seriously though, like I've been lucky enough to work in sports and it's good, but so the people like that work in sports media, sometimes we do take it very seriously, like you notice that, I don't know if you've noticed the way the commentators aggrandize the rugby league sometimes, like this year I was watching and my good mate Vossie, right, was commentating a game and before the game Vossie was talking about Arranwoods, now it was Arranwoods' first game playing for the Manly Warringah Sea Eagles, right, and that is Arranwoods' fifth club in the NRL and Vossie said this, he goes, oh, he's turned into one of the real journeymen of the National Rugby League, I was like, fuck journeyman Vossie, really, like I get that journeyman, like in soccer, like the world game, like you play for five different clubs in soccer, that might be on three different continents, multiple countries, right, Arranwoods has played for five different clubs that are all based in Sydney, do you know what I mean, not much of a journey if you didn't have to move house, hey, that is, because with the soccer players, it's like, mate, you should see his passport, he's been everywhere, with Arranwoods, it's like, man, you should see his eTag account, hey, all the toll roads, right, and the other one, my other favourite one they do is sometimes they go, they talk about the player that just turns in, he's no fuss player, the guy that turns up every week, just puts in, does his job, goes back, they always go, oh, mate, just a real tradesman-like performance from him, that's the reliable guy, I don't know what fucking tradesman these guys are getting, but that's not my experience, hey, you know what I mean, oh, it's a tradesman-like performance, mate, yeah, he turned up with a Red Bull and a sausage roll, he played the first half, then pissed off, no one could find him, couldn't get hold of him for three days, finally got hold of him, he said he had to go quote a game he's playing another day, and look, he wanted to get back early to play the second half, but he got tied up, he had to play a second half from a game that he'd started weeks ago, but because of all the rain, he hasn't been able to get around there and do it, right, and he thinks he should be back by the end of the week to play the second half, except he's just waiting on some materials, yeah, fucking real tradesman-like performance, isn't it, sorry, I got burned by some Renaults, I'm a bit bitter, man, it's a revealing too, like sports can reveal it, because I love it, sports can reveal what we actually care about, like, you know, because we, as sports fans, will excuse a lot, right, sports washing is a big talk at the moment, like, you know, the Saudis buying golf, all that sort of stuff, and I think it's, like, people go, it's not real, it's a real thing, right, because we, as sports fans, just to watch a good game, we will excuse almost anything, right, you don't need to look any further than the last World Cup in Qatar, the men's football World Cup that was held in Qatar, does everyone remember that tournament, right, if you don't remember it, right, it was held in Qatar, if you don't know Qatar, Qatar's a country in the Middle East, it's in the Gulf, and let's just say it's got some issues, right, it does, right, and so when, even when they first got there, they won the bid, there was all straightaway allegations that Qatar, quite an oil-rich country, had bribed FIFA to get the World Cup, right, and so straightaway, and then, but even as sports fans were like, you know what, that's something, you know, sadly, it's the way of the world, isn't it, you know what I mean, it's a, it's a, it's a developing country, that's the way it works over there, but hopefully by putting the spotlight of international sport on it, we can, we can help end that corruption, right, and then Qatar had to build all their stadiums, right, so they brought in all these migrant workers, they brought in all the migrant workers to build these stadiums, and they did it in horrendous conditions, and up to 4,000 migrant workers died during the construction of these stadiums, and as sports fans, we went, it's terrible, but you know what, it's a developing country, you know, WHNS isn't what it is here, but hopefully by shining the international, the light of international sport on the problem, we can make a difference on the ground over there, right, and then a little closer to the World Cup, it comes out that Qatar, homosexuality is illegal in Qatar, right, and they don't have great rights, and so once again, sports fans were like, you know what, it's a conservative Islamic country, I know it's not how we do things, but hopefully by shining the light of international sport on the problem, we can make a difference on the ground over there, right, and then a week out from the start of the World Cup, Qatar said, we are not serving beer at the games, and we were like, what kind of backwards ass country, do you know, it shows what you really fucking care about, doesn't it, it's insane, look, and don't get me wrong, I wasn't going or whatever, I was disappointed they weren't serving beer at that World Cup, because my, like, I'll be honest, I wasn't going or whatever, but the real clash I wanted to see at that World Cup was English football hooligan versus Middle Eastern justice system, yeah, because I don't know if you know anything about the Middle East, but they don't fuck about, hey, they, just a bunch of English pricks like, it's coming home, it's like, you're not prick, man, it's good, I love sport, I've been lucky enough, like I said, I've been lucky enough to work in, I actually got to go to the grand final this year, I did a little gig for the NRL, I got to take my son, my oldest son is 15 now, he's old enough to come see me do stand-up, which is crazy, because in that environment, I don't know if you've ever been to a corporate event where someone does a little bit of stand-up, but it is not set up for stand-up, right, so he's seen me three times now, all at similar things, every time I bombed, he's just like, I don't think dad's very good at this, I hope, it's horrendous, right, but he got to go to the game, which was cool, I enjoyed that, and 15's a funny age now, I can't believe I've got a 15 year old, like, he's old enough now, he's like, he's asking me, constantly asking me questions that I don't know the answer to, which admittedly, he's done for a long time, but now he's old enough to know I don't know the answers, right, he's on to that shit, he asked me this question the other day, he goes, hey dad, hey dad, how do I know, how do I know you're real? Yeah, I know, I was like, hey mate, don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm still Jenny from the block, right, and yeah, he's 15, he didn't get the reference, it's a bit of a waste on him, he goes, not what I'm talking about dad, he goes, what I want to know is how do I know, how do I know you exist? How do I know you aren't a figment of my imagination? I know, I was like, holy shit, I'll go to search his room for pot, yeah, because those thoughts don't come out of the blue, hey, they come out of the green, and it's weird, man, I don't know how to prove that to him either, I'm not that good at, like, philosopher, I don't know how to prove I exist, right, but I remember something my old man said to me, he said, sometimes with the kids, Andrew, what you got to do, if you don't know the answer to the question, what you got to do, throw it back on them, change, change the question, ask them the question back, right, think like a politician, right, so I was like, I felt beautiful, so I said to him, mate, the real question isn't how do you know I'm not a figment of your imagination, I said, the real question you need to ask yourself is why don't you have a better imagination, do you know, because this is the best he could come up with, that is bullshit, mate, he could have imagined anyone, he could have imagined Chris Hemsworth for a dad, now there's a guy whose kids know how to imagine a dad, holy shit, abs, biceps, I would have loved that, like, Mrs Barney would have loved that just quietly too, oh, man, Chris Hemsworth may be popular, it's, but it makes sense he wanted to imagine a comedian, right, because he loves stand-up comedy, but I just said to him, mate, if you're going to imagine a comedian, like, could you at least imagine, like, a more successful comedian, do you know what I mean, like, a guy who sells out the civic theatre, not fucking doing a comedy club above a kebab shop, like, fucking, no, don't get me wrong, thank you so much for coming, hey, this is, but I'll be honest, fuck, this wasn't the dream, no, thank you very much, I always feel bad doing that to nice people, you're the good ones, you came, just fucking need to be more of you, he's always been an interesting kid, he loves teaching me stuff, he's big on trying to learn things and teach things, right, he always tries to give me a fact, like, he had this fact for me a while ago, he goes, hey, dad, hey, dad, did you know, did you know, right, if two dogs are fighting and you want them to stop, right, which is weird, because I didn't think he knew I went to dog fights, right, but he goes, if two dogs are fighting and you want them to stop, what you should do is pop your finger into the bum of one of the dogs, yeah, I learned something that day, I learned that I'm a lot more like a dog than I thought I was, hey, that is, yeah, because if I'm doing something and you want me to stop, like, drop a digit, you got my attention, you know what I mean, that is, no ideas, not Bill, all right, you sit through the rest of the show, brother, if you're not enjoying it, I don't care, no, he's a good kid, he's, it's interesting, they're interesting ages, man, because now they're teenagers, you actually want them to talk to you about stuff, like, you always say you want your kids to talk to you, you want them to know that they can come and talk to you about whatever, but let's be honest, up until about 10, whatever they want to talk about is fucking 98 percent Minecraft and Lego, you know what I mean, it's just shit, right, right, and the two percent that isn't Minecraft and Lego is so awkward and poorly timed, you wish it was Minecraft or Lego, you know what I mean, like, I remember one of the greatest days, my youngest bloke was about maybe four and a half, five, he gave me this question without notice, he goes, hey, dad, why does my doodle get real big and stick straight out in the mornings? Yeah, I know, I was like, mate, look, first off, it's not that big, secondly, why don't you let dad pay for the groceries, we can chat about that at home, hey, mate, the timing on these kids, it's a nightmare, it's a nightmare, they're good though, they're good now, I'm trying to be a good example for them, that's what I've realised, as teenagers, they won't listen anymore, you've got to just do everything by example, so I'm trying to be a good example of what a modern man is, because I'm raising boys, right, and I'm very conscious of the fact the world's very different to the world I grew up in, like, I grew up in a very small country town in like the late 80s, early 90s, right, that world was very different to the world my kids are growing up in, like, we had, like, scary bullies at my school, right, it wasn't a genteel place, like, where they go to school, like, I can't explain that to them, like, we had a kid at my school, this bully at my school, who used to misgender kids for fun, right, yeah, like, me and my mates would be standing there, he'd walk past and go, what are you girls doing, like, and we'd be too scared to be like, that's not how we identify, like, it's, it was a crazy world, you know what I mean, scary shit, right, and that's the thing, like, the world I grew up in is very different, I'm trying to show them that now it's acceptable, in fact, men should show their emotions, right, I realise I don't show my emotions enough, right, it's because of my childhood, I don't show my, I don't, I had this realisation recently, and you'll probably identify with this, not Bill, right, but do you cry at all ever, Bill, not Bill, no, either do I, man, I had this realisation, right, I had this realisation recently, is I cannot remember the last time I cried, but I can tell you the last three times I spewed, yeah, that's not healthy, eh, you know, and it is the approach that's different, isn't it, because, like, if I have too many cans and start to feel sick, I'm not above just getting it started in the bath, giving a bit of that one, you know, just to get to sleep, right, don't fucking judge me, you've all done it, right, right, yeah, but if I start to feel feelings, I'm like, nah, mate, you're going down there, aren't you, nah, you can come out as yelling at the kids for weird reasons, eh, yeah, it's like, why am I the only one in this house who knows how to turn a bloody light off? This is what it sounds like when dads cry, honestly, next time your old man says something like, close the door behind you, weren't born in a bloody tent, just fucking give him a hug, he's working through some shit, tough, man, conscious of time, I'm trying, I'm trying to learn from my wife, man, my wife's very in touch with her emotions, she's, she's one of these people, she cries all the time, right, yeah, not always my fault, right, now, my wife's one of these people, she'll have a good cry, like, can you imagine crying enough that you can rank them, that blows my mind, right, but she'll cry watching TV, right, which I cry, does anyone here cry watching TV? Yeah, what, what gets you going? Anything sad, cool, fuck, on brand, thanks for the insight into your personality, that's good, anyone, what gets, what gets you going, anything, you just don't cry either, okay, this is either the happiest household ever, or you're both just walking around like, fuck, I've got some stuff pent up, anyone else cry watching TV? Yeah, what gets you going? Any ads? Ads, wow, you're like, you've never heard of streaming, no, I, my wife, my wife cries watching TV, like, sometimes I think she takes it too far, like, she, recently she came downstairs, and I could see she'd been crying, like, giving it a red hot go, right, and my reaction was, what every good husband thinks when you see that, my first thought was, oh, did, did I do that? Yeah, it turns out it wasn't me, nothing to do with me, right, she'd just been watching TV, right, so I went, Andrew, you know what, this is a learning opportunity, mate, I thought, I'll ask her what she's been watching, because maybe, I'm thinking, maybe she's watching this deep emotional movie, maybe, oh, I can watch it, see if it stirs something in me, I fucking feel something for once, right, so I said to her, I said, well, what were you watching? She goes, oh, don't, don't worry about it, it's kind of embarrassing, and I was like, hey, hey, hey, I'm your husband, there's nothing to be embarrassed about, it's not like I'm going to go to Newcastle and tell a bunch of strangers, you know, it's not my go, so what were you watching, I need to know, she goes, okay, I was watching Undercover Boss, I know, I had the same reaction, I was like, are you serious, and she goes, well, Gogglebox, but they were watching Undercover Boss, that's too far, hey, like, that's, how much it'd freak the boys out now, like, if at this stage, they come into the lounge room, I'm just bawling, and they're like, dad, is everything all right, I'm like, oh, mate, I've just, just don't know if The Bachelor's ever going to find love, hey, but I think it is how I grew up, like, because when I was a kid, like, it wasn't acceptable for boys to cry, right, I used to cry, when I was a little kid, I used to cry quite a lot, like, what my father would have considered way too much, right, he did, my father used to, like, I cried so much, my father used to bully me, like, my father used to, do you guys, yeah, no, fucking oath, have a listen to this, right, no, my dad, you know, you guys know the musical Evita, does anyone know the musical, fuck, it's Newcastle, it's 50-50, right, no, musical, you don't need to know much about it, but it's basically, they made a Madonna movie out of it, it's probably what you remember, but no, they made a, basically, the main song from the musical Evita is a song called Don't Cry For Me Argentina, right, now, my first name's Andrew, my middle name's Stephen, so whenever I cry as a kid, my father would sing this to me, go, don't cry for me, Andrew Stephen, yeah, mum, my brothers and sisters are joining, I was fucking getting heckled by a chorus line, it is bullshit, like, he used to get so frustrated with me, he's like, why is your first reaction always just to cry, I'm like, I don't know, why is your only solution always just fucking show tunes, like, what are we, so we're gonna toughen this kid up, you know what it is, musical theatre, get my hat and cane, it's bizarre, man, it's good, I'm trying to, like I said, I'm trying to be a good dad for the kids now, and like, my wife and I, we got a good partnership in that sense, right, you guys married, how long you been married, 41 years, 41 years, wow, some crowds would give that a round of applause, but fuck, they're, yeah, Newcastle, like, whatever, amateurs, no, 41 years and he's never cried, you're doing a good job, that is, that's amazing, yeah, no, because my wife and I, we got a good partnership, which I think is important, right, and we've been married 16 years, right, what do you reckon the secret to a good relationship is? Try and give each other as much space as possible. Give each other as much space as possible. That is the most beautifully Newcastle answer I've ever heard. Oh, man, I'm not, 41 years, who am I to argue, that is, because I'm fascinated with that, because my wife and I, like I said, we've got a good partnership going, but it's, I've been asking lots of audiences, and I'll tell you the best and worst answer I ever got, right, the best answer I ever got was, I was down in Bury about six weeks ago, I was doing a gig at the Bury pub, and you guys know Bury, it's, yeah, it's in the southern islands of New South Wales, if you don't know it, it's a little country town, but in the last 10 years or so, it's become very tree-changing, all the eastern suburbs types from Sydney are all there, like, it's, the pub was just wall-to-wall Range Rovers, you know what I mean, it's very upper crust, right, so that was the crowd, they were a bit well-to-do, the crowd, and there was a lady in the crowd named Sue, now Sue would have been in her mid to late 60s, and Sue would be married 37 years, right, I said to Sue, I said, what's the secret to a good marriage, and without missing a beat, Sue said this, she goes, oh, regular head jobs, that's not what I was expecting from Sue, I'll be honest, but I do have a little GoFundMe, so if anyone wants to donate, I'm trying to get her qualified as a marriage counsellor, because, just, I feel like she's got wisdom, you know what I mean, something to share, no, I'll tell you the worst answer I ever got, the worst answer I ever got was a guy who's sitting right where you are, right, and he's, he had his arm around his the whole night, and he'd been married 30 years, married 30 years, he had his arm around his missus, he's like, I said, mate, what's the secret to a good marriage, he goes, I'll tell you the secret, mate, I'll tell you the secret, I married my best friend, yeah, I was like, that's one of the times I spewed, hey, that is, that's disgusting, right, because, don't get me wrong, like, I love my wife with all my heart, I will do absolutely anything for her, but she is not my best friend, she's not, and I'm not her, I doubt I'm in the top 10 for her, right, and that's not a criticism of the relationship, that's just two different jobs, isn't it, that'd be like if I was up here going, nah, mate, nah, my mechanic's my dentist, doesn't work, does it, right, this guy got all upset at me, he goes, why, he goes, why, why can't you, why can't your wife be your best mate, huh, he goes, you tell me one thing, mate, you tell me one thing that you talk to your best mate about that you can't talk to your wife about, I know, I was like, ooh, easy one, how about how my wife's giving me the shits, do you know, like, like, honestly, I can talk to her about it, but it's not the same conversation, it doesn't involve having a beer and watching the footy, I'll tell you that for nothing, right, and that's, that's fine, because my wife's got a great group of friends, I'm glad she's got a great group of friends, right, because after 16 years, I know there's times I give her the shits, right, but when I do give her the shits, she gets to go to her friends and she gets to bitch about me to her friends, right, and I'm glad she does that, because I would much prefer she bitch about me to her friends than she bitch about me to me, do you know what I mean, because I'll be honest, I don't want to hear it, and holy shit, they love hearing it, hey, I think that's why they're friends, you know what I mean, they're like, oh, what did he do now, oh honey, you deserve better, right, she comes to me with the exact same complaint, all she's going to get is this, oh yeah, well, here's a list of shit you do that annoys me, now we're fighting and no one's happy, right, it's important to have your friends, man, I'm glad she's, because you've got a great group of friends, she's got that one woman in her group of friends, who's the helpful friend, I think most women have that one in the group, the what you should do lady, you know that one, the what you, she's the one, she's the same lady, when we first bought our house, right, we'd saved, scrimped, finally buy our house, comes in first day, so, oh my God, so much potential in here, if you knock out that wall, replace these bench tops, skylights, I'm like, fucking, you're a lawyer married to a doctor, get the fuck out of my house, right, stop putting your upper class ideas in my working class wife's head, this isn't going to work, right, but she was very excited, she's a lovely woman, she's really good, she was very excited for us when we had our 15th wedding anniversary, she thought that was a big deal, 15 years, she goes, it's a big deal, Andrew, you've got to make a big deal out of it, she goes, oh my God, oh my God, I know what you should do, right, she does this, she plays air basketball when she's excited, right, she's got, oh my God, you know what you need to do, you know what you need to do for your 15th wedding anniversary, right, she goes, you know what you need to do, she goes, make a big deal, have a big party, get all your family, all your friends there, right, get everyone there, it's going to be so good, right, get them there, and then as a surprise at the party, what you guys should do is renew your wedding vows, yeah, I was like, that is, that's the second time I spewed, right, that is, that's all, because she's like, why not, I'm like, because I said till death the first time, you know what I mean, like, neither of us are even sick, I don't get how that works, right, like, because that'd be like if, when you bought your house 15 years later, the real estate just rocked up and was like, oh, g'day mate, just wondering if you want to buy your house, it's like, mate, I bought the house 15 years ago, it's like, yeah, but don't you want the house to know you'd still buy it, it's like, mate, the house knows I'd still buy it, I'm very happy here, it's like, yeah, yeah, no, but like, the house is worried it's not in sale shape the way it was 15 years ago, the house thinks the gutters are sagging, I'm like, mate, the house knows I like the gutters, I'm always trying to clean those things, huh, well, the house couldn't help but notice you've been on real estate sites looking at fantasy homes, it's like, mate, you're just looking at the market, and plus, no one wants to live in one of those, they're fantasy homes, like, too many previous tenants, right, because that's the thing, like, it's supposed to be, some people think that's romantic, like, that renewing your wedding vows is a romantic thing, I don't know about you guys, but every time I hear about someone renewing their wedding vows, my first thought is, which one of you two fucked up, do you know what I mean, like, I'm not saying that's every time, but let's be honest, no one resits the HSC because they nailed it the first time, do they, but I am all about the equality, I do think we've got good equality in our marriage, my wife and I, and there's only one area there still is some inequality, and this is my sort of message, I'd like to redress this, because I think it's a common one across a lot of male-female relationships, the inequality in my marriage is this, it's how much effort that I need to go to, right, as the man in the relationship, if I want to initiate sex, compared to the effort my wife needs to go to, you know what I mean, that's the, we've heard of the gender pay gap, what about the gender love gap, guys, do you know what I mean, like, no, because as the man in the relationship, if I want to initiate sex, I pretty much have to approach it like I'm a city that's bidding to host the Olympics, yeah, like, I'm whining, I'm dining, like, I'm making promises I can't afford to keep, right, honestly, I'll relocate homeless people if I have to, I don't give a shit, right, right, end of the bid process, one in four chance, right, but, like, sometimes, it's like the Comm Games, goes regional, gets cancelled, it's bullshit, but you can bear that to my wife, my wife gets to go through life like a drug tester at the Olympics, she can turn up anywhere, anytime, demand a sample, she's getting one, isn't she, ladies and gentlemen, my name's Andrew Bunnett, thank you so much for having me, I'll see you another time, good night.