How To Be More Empathetic In The Workplace - The System

One of the core aspects of listening involves being empathetic to someone. So we're not saying, well you should have done this, you should have done that. We're listening to find out how are they feeling about things. So the first thing is simply being in the moment with them. So that means blocking out other thoughts, being open, being neutral, but also getting a sense for what it is they're really going through by imagining what they're feeling. And then, this is the key part, is being able to express what you imagine they're feeling. So you're checking it without assuming it as fact. So if somebody seems really upset with themselves because let's say they were trying to implement a new system and they, you know, really messed up on this one area. And so as you're interacting with them to be able to say, and you can do it in different ways. You can state it as a question or you can state it as a statement or an observation like, oh it sounds like you're really upset over this. It sounds like you're really unhappy with what you did. Is that right? And then you give them a chance to respond. So you don't assume you know exactly what it is. Because what we often do is those of us that care a lot about other people, we want to fix it. We hate to see somebody else in pain, right? So let's get them past this pain as quickly as possible. Well, sometimes they just need to be there for a little bit and feel that somebody else acknowledges where they are without judging. So expressing empathy, taking the time to really find out where they're coming from, what they're feeling before you jump in and try to offer any suggestions. In fact, one of the best things peer coaches can learn to do with each other is what I mentioned early on, getting them to think for themselves. You know, what do you think? What would you like to do differently next time? So we don't feel like we have the responsibility to be the solution provider to them. Sometimes, especially if we've got peer coaches that are working with each other and they've observed each other, let's say in a meeting or just in everyday work, and one person made a mistake. And so how can we be of help to them in getting them to recognize what they said or did really wasn't acceptable, was not okay? So we want to avoid any sense of criticism, blame, or using sarcasm. Instead, what helps is we might call this a sandwich approach where we acknowledge up front or affirm something that they do good most of the time. Like, you know, you're usually so sensitive to everybody on the team. But yesterday, I noticed that specifically you specify the problem. I noticed you really responded quite negatively and harshly to Joan, and you might say, you know, what the words were they actually said. So you're not making some broad generalization, but being very specific about what it was. And then explaining the impact is very important, saying, gee, I noticed after you said that, she didn't speak up again. And so I didn't get to find out what she was really thinking, looking at the impact either on you or what you noticed on other people. And then this is where it's so important is resetting what if you have team norms, for example, you know, what it is we agreed to do, and are you willing to do that? Get them to commit. Because I think that's such an important part, again, of getting commitment, having the follow through, and getting that consistent behavior that we're looking for. And then also just encouraging and offering support. You know, I'm here for you. Let me know what do you need from me to make sure this happens going forward. It's very simple, but it lets the person know they're not being attacked, that you genuinely care about them doing well. So constructive feedback that's encouraging. And speaking of encouragement, when people are trying to improve the way they do things and learn a new behavior, as we have covered, they're going to have setbacks. They're going to be disappointed at times. They're going to be frustrated. They're going to lose heart. It could be that strong. And so what's the best way to encourage someone? Well, I can tell you it's not minimizing what they're feeling, because it's real to them. And so to say something like, well, you shouldn't feel that way. Look at all these good things that are going on. To deny their feelings or to minimize it or try to, again, offer a solution is not helpful. So here are the things to do. And you'll see listening is at the top again, because we want to understand what's going on. So just to invite someone to open up. Gosh, you seem kind of down today, or you're not your normal chipper self. What's going on? Just invite the conversation. And then as you listen to them, if this is someone you know well, it's really helpful to remind them of successes they have had in the past, where they prevailed during a difficult situation. And they can see, oh, okay, I'm not so bad after all, because when we get down on ourselves with a mistake we've made or when things aren't going well, then it's important to have someone else remind us what our strengths are. And also to offer perspective just in terms of balance. So this isn't being a Pollyanna and saying, okay, put on your rose-colored glasses. This is saying, you know, the situation isn't all negative. There are some upsides over here that we can look at as well. Because when someone is really discouraged, you have probably seen this, or maybe you have felt it yourself at times. Boy, there's just a cloud over everything. So what can I do to help kind of open up the clouds a bit so the person is able to see, yeah, there's still sunlight behind there, and I can help them see what's possible, not just what is difficult at the moment. And then asking them, what do you need from me? So they realize, I'm not alone in this. How can I support you? You know, and another interesting question might be, what would support look like for you? Because what you might see as support could be not what they need.