Our Need for Romance In Marriage (Physical & Emotional)

Hey, we're Aaron and Jennifer Smith with Marriage After God. Helping you cultivate an extraordinary marriage. And today we're going to talk about our need for romance, both physical and emotional. Hey, thanks for joining us today. Make sure to hit the subscribe button so you subscribe to our channel and also hit the little notification bell next to the subscribe button. So you get notified whenever we upload a new video. We also love hearing from you guys. So be sure to leave a comment. If anything we say spurs an idea or you have an opinion about what we're talking about, please leave a comment. So first thing we're going to talk about is of course the differences. Which might be pretty obvious, but we just want to bring it up before we start. And I just want to say that we're not here to, uh, pick the battle for you of which one's more important. We're not talking about, you know, physical being more important than emotional or vice versa. We're here to just talk about the differences, share our, our perspectives and our needs that we've had in our marriage and how we've kind of, um, wrestled with this one a little bit. Um, I know it's not easy going to the table to talk about intimacy. It's not easy to talk about our sexual needs or things that we, you know, feel like we're lacking in marriage because we don't want to hurt the other person's feelings, or sometimes we're just motivated by anger that we just can't even get to that conversation. And so our biggest goal with today's episode is just to bring up the conversation, share what we've been through and hopefully give you guys some encouraging tips and biblical perspective on, on how to address this in marriage. So again, we're not talking about which one's more important here. We're just talking about that both are so necessary for a marriage after God. So Aaron, in our marriage, you tend to have more physical needs and I tend to have more emotional needs. I don't know if that's true for every marriage. I doubt it because we know some people that are, it's flip-flopped for them. So every marriage is different, but I thought we could start out by you sharing from your perspective, kind of define what some physical romantic needs are, and then I could describe what some emotional romantic needs are. Before I describe the differences, I'd like to say that I think that it would be dangerous for us to think that I have physical needs only, and you have emotional needs only, and that that's just how we are. I think we need both, both of us. Me getting physical needs met is an emotional thing also. It's a, it's a, it's a chemical thing in my body. It's a biological thing that we need. It's, it's a spiritual thing that happens. And on the other side, the emotional connection that we have is we, we, we need both, so this isn't to say like, well, so-and-so needs that, and the other person needs that, and then therefore they have to figure that out. I think we could forget that we need both together. And I would say, just saying, you know, encourage that thought that knowing that we both need both is really good for the marriage because then everything that we pursue and do within our marriage can involve both of those things. It's not one or the other. It's not a separated venture. You know, it's, it's all encompassing and incorporated. So, but the physical, of course, is sex, but not just sex is it's being touched. It's being pursued and having that physical pleasure with my wife. That's a physical need. And often there's one or the other spouse. It's, I think it's very rare that both spouses have the same sexual drive. But regardless of the drive, it's a necessity. Physical connection, physical intimacy, sex, sexual connection is spiritual and physical and necessary. And that actually starts before you even get to sex, right? Like that's throughout your day when you're holding hands with each other or you walk by each other in the kitchen and somebody touches each other like that. It's a constant. Which goes to the emotional side of things, which is why I said that they're both necessary is what kind of relationship, which we've walked in this for a season of just fulfilling the one person's needs and the other ones, you know, the other part of it, the emotional part of it's not there. It's, it's a very cold thing. It's just sex without the, without the emotion. It's sex without the affection. It's sex without the connection. And that's not what God desires for us as a marriage after God. He desires oneness. He desires one flesh. He desires us to be intimate and close and loving and cherishing. And so, yeah, like you said, the, the, the physical act, sometimes it's just like, Hey, let's just get this over with. But the, the more healthy way to approach it is it is happening throughout the day. Sex and, and, and physical intimacy is happening throughout the day. As in the, you know, me telling you that I love you, me, you know, touching you, you know, in the, in the middle of the day and, and reminding you that I'm thinking about you. And so that's what you're talking about leading up to, you know, the, the intimacy time it's happening way before that. Yep. And so on the emotional side of things you know, it's showing those romantic gestures, it's, it's connectedness, it's talking to each other and knowing where your hearts are at. And so when I think about emotional needs, it's, it's kind of like in order to get to sex, you have to get some other stuff out of the way you have to be able to have your hearts free and clear of, of contention and, and strife and just hard things. Again, it goes back to that oneness and being together. I do want to share something from our experience that I think, um, I could add to this. Um, when you're talking about, you know, physical needs, there's been times where you share with me, I just want you to want me. And I wanted to share that because it's been a few times and it's because I don't pursue you in a physical way, like I should, like we talked about throughout the day and you shared with me how, you know, this idea of wanting me or you, me wanting you, uh, comes in many different forms, but not just fulfilling for me the task that I'm looking for. Right. Yeah. It's not just to like get it over with, but it is to, you know, come up behind you and massage your shoulders or, or kiss you or all the different physical affection, affectionate ways that I can show you my love and pursuing me sexually. Yeah. Like initiating, initiating is been a, it is a huge thing. And that's, again, that's the emotional side of things. Um, I'm not in a relationship with, you know, my wife for the sake of just getting my needs met. Um, and it could feel that way if I'm just looking for a sexual, you know, gratification, like, Oh, just take care of me, you know, and that's not reality. And like, that may be the case every once in a while, um, just because of time and life and, you know, all these people that are watching and listening are experiencing the same thing, just the constraints of the, of life. Um, but knowing that you desire me, knowing that you want to be with me and want to initiate with me because you want me, um, is the emotional spiritual connection that I desire is not just the act. Right. On the physical side. Yeah. And on the flip side to this, um, I would say that we've had conversations about me explaining to you that I want you to like know where I'm at first. I want you to, um, ask me how my day was, you know, like if I'm in the bathroom, you know, before bed, I want you to come in and just, and talk to me and just engage with me so that it's not just conversation time. Yeah. So that it's not just jumping into bed and like getting to it, but that there is that, that face to face time. And so we've, we've had different kinds of conversations surrounding, um, you know, sexual intimacy and romance and the things that we need. And I would say that that's the most important thing that we want to encourage our listeners with today is just to be willing to go into that conversation and share each other's needs, share, you know, the different types of things that could be encouraging to your heart, you know, and whether they're emotional or physical and make sure that you guys take that conversation and then use it to implement the things that are needed. So that would be the first place we would invite you guys to start with is, is talking about this. And we do this on almost every episode is we, this idea of communication is say what you know is going on in your heart and talk about it for the purpose of fighting and saying, I was going to say, don't wait until you're so frustrated and fed up that it just comes out in an explosion of emotions. We are called to have self-control. And I think that if we can get to the point of the issue before our hearts get to that hard place, it will be much easier for us. And that practicing of constant communication is so, so valuable for you, especially situations like this, where we're talking about, um, intimate things. Yeah. So the first scripture I want to bring up is in first Corinthians and it's, it's first Corinthians chapter seven. I'm going to read a few verses here, but I want to get at it. Like we could talk about like his needs, her needs and, you know, physical, emotional, and you know, how do we balance that? But I think it's important. I don't think it's important. I know it's important to recognize that this isn't just like a suggestion. This isn't just like a, well, you know, figure it out on your own basis. And, you know, maybe sex isn't important to you guys. There's something that we need to recognize that there is an actual order and there's a responsibility and there's a calling in our marriage for this area. And let me just read this. It says in first Corinthians chapter seven, now concerning the matters about what you wrote, which you wrote, it is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman, but because the temptation to sexual morality, each man should have his own wife and each woman, her own husband, the husband should give to his wife, her conjugal rights and likewise the wife to her husband for the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. So there's a lot of scripture, but the first part I want to talk about, he said, it's good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. And he's talking about this idea of like outside of marriage. He's saying it's good to remain celibate and remain pure. He says, but because of our natural inclinations, our natural passions, because of temptations and because of sexual immorality that's in the world, it says we should have our own wives. And it says each wife should have her own husband. And then he goes into actually the perspective as husbands and wives that we should have by the command of the Lord, by the word of God on our relationship with each other and our physical relationship with each other. It says that the woman's body is not her own, but her husband's. My wife doesn't have authority over her own body. Meaning, nope, I will only let you touch me when I say you can. I will only have sex with you when I'm ready. I will only have, like she, as a weapon almost, or, you know, when we talk about oneness, it's the opposite of that. It's saying like, actually, like you have no say in my body. And on the other side, I have no say in my body, that the authority of my body is my wife's. And the idea is that we're one. And this sounds like a hard scripture because it is hard because we're learning this idea of oneness, and it's a daily sanctification process. It's a daily walk of learning what this looks like in marriage. And I say this with, hopefully, that you guys are walking in discernment in this, and that you guys are both yielding your hearts to the Holy Spirit and to God, that you would say, okay, we don't know how this looks, but we're going to actually say, okay, Lord, help us walk in this. Because this could be abused. And I know people have abused this, of me saying, oh, your body's not yours, it's mine, I can do what I want with it. But if I just take that stance, first of all, I'm forgetting that it also says that my body's not my own. I'm also forgetting that it tells me to walk in an understanding way, as it says in 1 Peter, with my wife. I also forget that it says to love my wife as Christ loves the church, giving himself up for her. I also forget that it says in the Bible to consider others as more important than yourselves, and to not only consider my own needs, but the needs of others. I would literally throw out the rest of the Bible that it tells me to do, and I'm just trying to use this scripture to control my wife, is not how this is meaning. It's not what this is meaning. But what it's saying is that our perspective on each other is that, well, my body is my wife's. My wife's body is mine. And we are one. One flesh. And so, how have we walked in this? This has been a journey for us, and we're still on it. Yeah, I mean, for those listening that know our story, it's wrapped up in a lot of turmoil when it comes to sexual intimacy. We've struggled in that area. And even though we have had healing and have been able to enjoy sexual intimacy, still mentally and emotionally, it can become a hard thing, especially in and out of seasons of pregnancy and postpartum and everything. So it has been hard. But I think that knowing this verse and God bringing it up to our hearts in the midst of our needs, I think that we have done a really good job of reminding each other of what our needs are and where we're at with each other, and to pursue each other. Yeah, and so the first thing is recognizing that this is not something that you get to choose your own way of doing it, that the Bible tells us to not withhold from our spouses. And this happens on both sides. Yeah, for different reasons. And it happens at many different levels. But it says, it says, do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement and for a limited time. So there's so many different reasons why we want to deprive each other. And it's always an agreement, not... I was going to say, I think that part is so important to realize that it's in agreement, that you're still maintaining that oneness and that intimacy of we are a single unit and our bodies are not our own. So the limited time thing is, is that we, the ideas together, we've decided like, hey, there's going to be a season. Maybe it's postpartum, which happens. There's four months. Or other things, other physical health issues. Or there's, you know, actual geographic separation. We've known couples that are in the military or firemen that are gone for a while, or there's like lots of different truckers. But again, it all comes back to agreement and both having the understanding of like, hey, while I'm away, I'm going to keep myself pure because it's not my body. And what else? Pray for each other. And you pray for each other. And it says for prayer for other reasons. It's essentially saying like, maybe you're going to take a fast, a season of fasting for the purpose of prayer or, you know, or distance or, you know, these things, but we've agreed upon it. And then it says, but come back together. So there's a safety and a protection in the having a mutual understanding and a mutual agreement in how our physical intimacy is going to be played out in our marriage. And what's great about that is the agreements requires communication. So you're talking to each other about it. I know. It's not just that one person has, you know, set up in their mind, oh, this just isn't going to happen for this season right now. And the other person has no idea. Right. And so I think that it's really important that going back to that agreements, like it requires communication. Yeah. Imagine how that would be if I just kind of stopped, you know, talking to you intimately and stopped touching you, like, and, you know, asking how your day was. And I just kind of stopped doing that. I mean, all of a sudden my insecurities would rise up. And I'm just assuming everything's fine. And I'm not, I have like, oh, I don't need to. She knows how I feel, which happens. And you're just sitting over there like, what's going on? Why does it, does he not love me anymore? Does it like that? And I'm not telling her like, or I'm, you know, I'm just kind of decided in my heart. I'm not going to emotionally connect with you. Well, and then expectations, right? Everybody's got expectations in marriage. We're constantly wrestling with those, but those flare up too. When something like that happens. Wait a minute. Why is it? Something's going on. Yeah. But look on the flip side, like, let's say like you and your heart, you've just decided, like, I'm just not in the mood for the next few days or week or month. And you just kind of avoid me sexually. And we've gone through seasons on both sides of this scenario of that happening. And it just tears us apart. We just, it, it tears apart our spiritual strength and connection. It tears apart our oneness and emotional stability in the home. And like this says, we get like, it says so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. The other thing that happens when we do this, when we just kind of deprive each other. We get frustrated with each other. We give Satan a foothold in our marriage and an ability to tempt us. You know, with me, with my temptations, not that this is an excuse, like my wife, not fulfilling a sexual need of mine is an excuse. It doesn't give me any justification or right, but it absolutely puts me in danger of stronger temptation and falling into sin. That's the whole point of this, of coming together and being one. And like we talked about last episode, is that we, we actually care about our ministry and we, as a, as a married couple for the kingdom of heaven. And it's not just what I need and what I want. I'm like, oh, I don't like the, no, we're, we're considering like, Hey, this is actually good for our marriage that we think this way, that, that we're one in this way because it protects us. It strengthens us. And there's so many, just on the physical side of things, biological benefits from sex, better sleep, less stress, you're healthier. So there's, God actually made sex a thing that makes us a healthier, the more we have it. So it's a good thing. And then the emotional side of things, it makes us spiritually healthy and, and spiritually connected where she just knows throughout the day, whether I even use a word that she knows by my actions and the way I'm pursuing her and the special things I'm doing that she knows she's loved and cherished. Yeah, that's true. Which leads us to the next verse that we were going to bring up today, which is Ephesians 5, 25 through 30. So this is the famous marriage scripture 5, 25 through 30, or it starts at 22, but we're going to start in verse 25. He says, husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word so that he might present the church to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy and without blemish. Now listen to this verse in verse 28, in the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. So as we just read in first Corinthians, that your body, you don't have authority over your own body, but it's mine. I don't have authority over my body to yours. Again, going back to that oneness, we are one flesh, you know, we are together and that we think that way. This is again saying to the husbands, but the idea is, so it says in the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies, okay, because we're one. It says for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it. And so when I think of the word nourish and cherish, it's this idea of like a plant, you're watering it, you're feeding it, you're protecting it, and then cherish, you're taking care of it. It's in the special place in the house. It's got your attention and mind and your heart. And so I think of that on the emotional side of things, because we talked a lot about the physical side of things, but the emotional side of things is just as important because it's a part of the physical. So cherishing you and nourishing you and you doing the same to me of like, because we cherish and nourish our own bodies. So why would we not do it to our spouse, you know? So we're not just talking about this emotional connection side. You're definitely a much more emotionally connected person. You desire emotional connection. You desire that romance, the whimsical, the out of the ordinary, which is the idea of romance anyways, taking something out of the ordinary and putting into the extraordinary, getting out of the mundane. I was going to say, I just want to interrupt to just say that romance is so necessary for a marriage after God because we can get so good at being focused on what our work is or what our job is or what the things are that are set before us that we've agreed our priorities and that we need to be doing. We're just going. And we're just going and the schedule's working and the communication's working and everything's going. But then you look at each other and you realize you haven't looked at each other the way you did when you first started dating in a really long time. And I think that's really important. Or haven't looked at each other for a given amount of time at all. Yeah. Like, hey, how are you doing? Hey, where's your heart at? Hey, how can I bless you today? Hey, how can I treat you special today? So you're right. Like the romance is, you know, that's a word that we, you know, we use in today's society. But the idea is just it's doing something to kind of break the normal. Yeah. So that it doesn't just feel like every day, we're just keep going and we're going and we're going and we're going. And I forgot to like look at you. And I forgot to snap you out of the ordinary and the normal to remind you. I was like, hey, actually, like I'm thinking about you. And what's so great about that is that the breaking up of the ordinary is just moments of thoughtfulness where I feel cherished because I know that my husband's mind is on me. I feel valued. And the same is true for you. Like when I do small gestures throughout the day, whether it's physical affection or emotional connectedness, you know that I'm thinking about you. I'm considering you. I want you. I want to be near you and I want to be with you. Yeah. So what are some ideas? Because we want to give you guys a little bit of practical stuff. We're not going to give extravagant romantic gestures because you can come up with those. There's tons of those. That'd actually be a great conversation for you guys to go home and talk about is what are some ways that, you know, you can feed each other's spirits and hearts through gestures. That's a really great thing for you to do. So what are some ideas? Because we want to like, what are everyday ideas? Well, we just came up with a few, but simple things like lighting candles in the bedroom. I went to Hobby Lobby and I got these like sconce things to go on the walls. And it's screwed right in the wall. Yeah, but it's really nice because it keeps it away from any of the kids. It's not like on end tables or anything. And there's just two of them, but they're kind of big and they light up the room. And so it gives you that romantic feel. I think that's a nice one. You like it when you come in or you get out of the shower and the candle's already going and you're like, Oh, he's doing something different tonight. Yeah. Again, thoughtfulness, putting music, a playlist together that, you know, is romantic for the two of you that you would appreciate so that it's not just silent. Plan a fun date night before, if you know that you have a physical need of like wanting to go to sex, plan a fun date night ahead of time where you guys are just laughing and playing and having a good time of that connecting emotionally. Yeah. Yeah. Before I end. Face to face. Sometimes we jump into bed and we both know we need sex, but we need to talk first. And I have some things that I need to get off my chest. The lights are off and you can't see each other. Yeah. And sometimes I just turn my phone on and be like, Hey, can we just chat for a second? Yeah. So just make sure that you're getting that face to face time. Taking a bath together. There's been times where you come in and you just sit on the edge of the bath and chat or play with your hair. You'll wash my hair for me and or turn it into a back massage. And so doing different things like that could be really playful and include both physical and emotional connectedness. I have an idea of like, you know, just along the lines of physical, but it's more like a foreplay where you're, you know, massage like a foot massage, you know, Hey, I'd love to give you a neck massage. So on the wife to the husband side, or vice versa, you actually love massages. But just starting physically without immediately going to the main event, you know, and taking the time to be like, Hey, I just I want you to know I like to touch you. And I want to make you feel good. And I want to encourage you. And while we're while I'm massaging, I can ask you, like, how's life? How are you? You know, is there anything in your heart and mind? And just, you know, massaging you and are you massaging me? That's really good. Another idea that we came up with was just making the bed and then putting a chocolate on each pillow. And that's just, again, you walk in the room and you're like, Oh, somebody was thinking of me. Yeah, it brings up the ordinary, right? And so that's our goal with all of these. It's just, you know, simple ways of kind of surprising your spouse. And making them know that you're thinking of them, that you want them, and that you want to be with them. One that you've used a lot in the past, and I really enjoy it because, you know, I love to be affirmed with words. You know, she'll stick little notes in my lunch. Or, you know, when I went to Africa, you put a note in almost every... Every pocket I could find in your backpack. So every time I'd unroll a shirt, there was like a new note of you just encouraged me and reminded me of some scripture and praying for me and telling me that you love me. And so and I know that you enjoy that. There's been times that I'll write a note on the mirror while you're in the shower. Yeah. And you get out and while you're, you know, drying your hair, you see the note. Yeah. And you just, you feel special. You're like, Oh my gosh, he came in here out of his way, wrote a little love note to me real quick. So these are just things that remind your spouse that they're on your mind and heart. Yeah. And it cherishes them and nourishes them. It lets them know that they're thought of, that they're not just on the back burner, that they're not just there to fulfill a need when you need it. But that you're on the same team and that you care. And so like the idea is like that I cherish and nourish you, just like I would cherish and nourish my own body. Right. But that we do it together. So all those emotional little, you know, things that you could do for your spouse are all a part of the whole, you know, intimacy and romance and, you know, the part of the physical and emotional connection that is really the glue that makes us stronger and stronger in our one flesh. Yeah. And again, going back to it protects your marriage. It protects your marriage unity and where you guys are at, where your hearts are at. Because when intimacy requires vulnerability and that opening up of you can have me and I can have you and I know you and you know me. And in order to have a really strong, intimate relationship, you have to be able to have that vulnerability happening regularly. Yeah. And just the last thing I want to point out in this adventure of like, as you sit down together and you decide like, hey, we need to talk about this. You know, what are some things that we could just add romance and add emotional affection and add physical connection? Because those are all, they're all important. The physical one's a command. The emotional part is a necessity for the command. So, you know, as you talk about that, recognize some things, you know, when we would talk about things, you'd give me an idea of something romantic I could do. But then you also, there'd be times I would do it and you would struggle with it because you're like, oh, I told you, I don't want to have to, I don't want to have to tell you what to do. I want you to just come up with it. Just read my mind. So what I'm getting at is being okay when it, like having to talk about it, being okay of having to present to your spouse, like here's some ideas that would really make me feel special. And it doesn't lessen the value when they do it. What it means is that they're listening and they care so much that they're actually going to implement the things that help you. So receive it, learn how to receive it and to look at it and be like, wow, like they're going out of their way to try some things. And also to know that none of these things are inherently natural to us, even though sex should be natural. It actually, it's something that you have to work on. It's something that you have to build and strengthen emotional connection. There's stuff that we have to build and strengthen. We have to walk in the spirit and say, okay, Lord, I want to be this, you know, for my spouse so that we could be stronger so that our ministry for you is protected and strengthened and that we could just be so close and so one. And that's the goal. The goal is not just to get what I need and just get you what you need, because that's what it could feel like. And all that is, is doing this. It's just fighting each other. But walking together, communicating, being on the same page, saying we're going to do these things because it's good for both of us and that it's a necessity and that it's a command and it's something that the Lord desires for us, is what we're going to pursue together. And that's what a marriage after God does, you know. I do want to just really quickly, I know we're at the end of the episode, but one thing that I think going into, whether it's physical or emotional romance, one of the hardest things is initiation. And I think that we've struggled. We've had our fair share of this, yes, big time, where, you know, I haven't initiated in a while and that trips you up and then you don't want to initiate or whatever the thing is. Or I'm silently sitting back waiting like, well, I'm wondering if she's going to sabotaging us. And I'm just bringing that up, not to, you know, further this conversation anymore, because I feel like we've given you guys a lot to go home and talk about. But I do want to say, don't let fear or anger or frustration or bitterness or any sort of emotion keep you from initiating. And also don't wait for the other person to initiate. Be bold, be courageous, be someone who is willing to love your spouse no matter what, even if it takes them six months to get to the point where they're initiating. Be what you want. Well, I guarantee, and I can't really guarantee, but imagine if every day I was intentional and I pursued you emotionally and I was just filling that up in you. It would be nearly impossible for you to not want to reciprocate. It's true. It's just natural. You're like, man, what's going on? Yeah. And this leads me to a tip and a strategy on this idea of initiation. And I've tried to walk in this and I know you've tried to walk in this. I'm not perfect at it. It's something that it's a talent I'm trying to build. But when it tells us to consider others as more important or to consider the needs of others, there's oftentimes that the moment I get the thought of like, well, she hasn't pursued me in a while and why won't she just come and be with me? Or when I start thinking about what she needs to change in towards me, I use that as a trigger to remind me that it's probably something that I need to change in too, because we're one. So what I'll do, and I've tried to, you've noticed, the moment I think like, man, I wish she would just pursue me. It's been a while. You start doing, you start stepping up in those specific areas. I take the responsibility and I say, okay, instead of trying to go change her and serve me, I use it as a prompting to serve her. And I say, well, I bet you I haven't been pursuing her emotionally. So I go out of my way. I set the candles. I draw her a bath. I put some music on. I put some essential oils on. I say, hey, I got the kids go just take an hour, you know, and she recognizes it. And I'll remind her in the moment, like, hey, like I'm not trying to get this deleted anywhere because I don't want to have expectations and requirements on when I do something special for you, you owe me. That's not what I'm trying to do it for. I just use the moment that I'm thinking that you haven't given me what I deserve to remind me that I should give you what you deserve. And what does that do for your heart? Well, it changes my heart because it reminds me to be more Christ-like because Christ came to serve, not to be served. And it blocks that those negative emotions of like bitterness and frustration. And you know what it does? It usually ends up in my benefit. Not that I... It stops the crazy cycle. I don't do it with that mentality. I tell myself, like, whether she gives me what I want or not, I'm going to do this for her because this is, it's called leading by example. Yep. If I desire her to do it for me, I should do it for her. Yeah. And so when the moment I think like, oh, she isn't, why isn't she? I wish she would, I do it. I said, okay, I'm going to pursue romantically. I'm going to. And so, and then you've, you've taken by example and then you do it. You think to yourself, like, oh, I need this. And then you, you start pursuing me in that way. So I hope you can use that as a tip in your own marriage. The moment you think those negative thoughts to just tell us why they're not, you know, giving you what you deserve or what you need or what they're supposed to give you. Flip it around. Flip it around yourself and say, okay, I'm going to lead by example on this. I'm going to go and do for her what I would desire to do for me. What's the golden rule? That's good. That's really good. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. So just apply the golden rule in the area of romance and intimacy, physical and emotional connection. And I promise you, it'll benefit you. If anything, it'll make your heart right before God and it'll make you closer to him. And he'll, he'll bless you because he loves us being obedient to his word. So thank you so much for joining us on this episode. We hope that it encourages you guys to consider your romance, to consider your physical and emotional needs and talk about it with one another. We love you guys. And we hope that you're encouraged this week. See you next week.