Hilarious and Best Brother of Bride Wedding Speech (amazing ending)!!

I feel like you've probably heard a lot of nice things about Olivia and Michael the last two nights, so buckle in. I want to start with an old Irish blessing. Please feel free to join in if you know it. As the Irish have said for millennia, there is no more holy union than one within the liberal media conglomerate. I want to take you all back to Olivia and my childhood. When Olivia was 1 and 1⁄2 years old, my parents gave Olivia the best gift she would ever receive, me. Three formative events stand out in my childhood. First, Olivia tried to drown me in yogurt when I was a wee infant. I couldn't even crawl, and Olivia was determined to cut my life short. Second, when I tried to take my first steps, Olivia repeatedly pushed me down, determined to keep me immobile. And third, Olivia has been a support system at the worst of times. When I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease, a chronic illness that restricts me from eating sugars and sweets, Olivia sat me down to watch an old family favorite, Forrest Gump. At the end of the movie, Olivia asked if I had a different perspective on life. I said, you know, I learned that Olivia immediately cut me off. Bobby, life is like a box of chocolates. And since you can't eat chocolates, you're fucked. True story. All those are true. What I'm really trying to say is that Olivia has come a long way. If you had asked me even five years ago whether I'd ever let Olivia speak at an important life event, the answer would have been no. And if you asked me today, the answer would be maybe. As we grew up together, Olivia and I had one thing in common, a love for Law and Order SVU, or knows what I'm talking about, which we watched religiously. I was Elliot Stabler, renowned detective and former Marine. Olivia grew up watching Olivia Benson, female detective and star of the show. And Olivia's role model was, you guessed it, Ice-T, former gangster rapper turned TV star. In high school, Olivia told me that I could be anything I wanted to be except for print reporter for the Valley Sun, our local newspaper, because that was her job. As a high school journalist, Olivia spent her time going deep undercover to enact change in society. Whereas my LinkedIn shows one experience, Olivia's LinkedIn includes no less than 16 experiences. Olivia's LinkedIn reads to this day, pitched and reported front page expose about rats on the high school campus. It actually does. There were other signs Olivia would be a great journalist. For one, she stabbed me with numerous pens. While a writer for the Valley Sun, Olivia was famous for her headlines, to TP or not TP, or rats find creature comforts at La Cunada High School. My favorite part of these stories is that the sources were always Olivia's friends, many of whom are here today. Alex Hack, do you remember saying, and I quote, even though rats can make good pets, they just don't belong roaming the school. And that since rats can carry disease, they should be eradicated. I think there were signs early on that Olivia was afflicted with the journalism bug. We had a fax line in the house growing up, and only telemarketers had the number. Every night between 5 PM and 8 PM, the fax line would ring, and Olivia or I would pick it up. Is the head of the household available? Yes. Oh, well, hello. This call is recorded for safety purposes. And Olivia would yell, you're trying to sell me drugs? I don't want your drugs. Nowadays, Olivia and Michael refer to this as entrapment in their line of work. Speaking of journalism, Olivia once told me that if I loaned her $100, she would have $120 in her bank account. That was last week. Back to the point. Olivia has always played the role of the anti-hero in my life. Her role model growing up was the iceberg in Titanic, the poisoned apple in Snow White, the hunter in Bambi, the man with six fingers in The Princess Bride, David Bowie in The Labyrinth. It seems that for decades, Olivia's mantra has been, if you can't sneeze on your brother's dinner plate, why have dinner at all? Which is to say that Olivia's treatment of me since birth has molded my competitive drive, which I owe to Olivia, the attempted drowning, being pushed down every second you try to stand up, being told that life is like a box of chocolates. But something changed when Olivia met Michael. We started getting along better than ever before. She even invited me and my friends to her last birthday. I could use 100 adjectives to describe Michael, but I think the only important thing is that everyone immediately loves him. I could talk about the irrigation ditches he dug in Sudan, the orphan babies who cried in his arms in Romania, the hope he gave Freddie the leper in Calcutta. Even Daisy, our family dog, and the most discerning Smith immediately loved Michael and his French-speaking ways. Even my friends who viewed Michael as their romantic rival, Wanger, loved him. And we were able to look past Michael's height to love him, too. Some of you may know that Michael has been brushing up on his French to raise their firstborn bilingual, Bobby Murray. But what they don't know is that I, too, have been brushing up on my French. The first phrase I'll teach my young namesake, mama, j'ai fait caca sur le sol, which directly translates to, mama, I shat on the floor. Speaking of the French, Michael once told me that loving Olivia is like the movie Ratatouille. At first, it's cute, but at the end of the day, you just have a rat living in your kitchen. Our family gathers on Sundays at my parents' house, and I always look forward to talking with Michael, teaching him about America and its history, playing video games, and destroying Michael and Olivia at Settlers of Catan, the stuff family memories are made of. When Olivia and I were kids, we had a lot of big plans. I was going to be a detective, and Olivia was going to start a media empire focused exclusively on uncovering rat infestations. There's a reason I'm not a detective. Olivia was the first person I called the first time I was arrested. But I think we all know that life doesn't always turn out exactly how you plan it. Sometimes it turns out better. And Olivia, I think there's a reason you're not writing about rodents anymore. It's because you belong here, surrounded by family, with Michael at your side. Can we please raise our kamikaze shots to my two best friends, Olivia and Michael Murray? Cheers. Do I have to clean this up?