30 Minutes of Steven Michael Quezada: The New Mexican

Right on, right away. Hey, where are my Mexicans at? Two of us. That's it, right. And let me tell you something, the wall didn't chase us away. They at work. Oh, now we can't work. You stop. That guy sounded like I was just in the South. I won't even tell you what state, right? This guy yells at me. He goes, that's right, and we're gonna make you Mexicans build the wall. I go, right away, you're giving us jobs. And complaining. Right, and that's why I said Mexican steal jobs. That's how I grew up in the hood, bro. Never did I go to my cousin's house and say, hey, what's up, Chachi? He goes, hey, hey, come over here, bro. Me and Chewy, we went out last night, bro, and we stole three jobs, bro. And I'm like, really? You got three jobs? What'd you get, bro? I got a farm worker. We got a roofer and a concrete finisher. I go, bro, you didn't steal those jobs, bro. They left those out for you to take. I told him, call me when you get a good one, like a CEO. Or a manager, you know. He's like, oh, bro, you can't steal those jobs. They got alarms on those ones. And you don't want us to build a wall, bro. If we built the wall, we'll leave a hole. I go, say, is that a hole? No, no, no, no, no, señor. That is not a hole. No, no, no, no, no, that is artwork. My cousin, he's very creative. This particular piece here, we call this one freedom. Crazy, bro. It's hard to be a Mexican, man. It's hard, man. And then they yell at you. They yell at you. This guy goes, go back to where you came from. I am 40% Native American. I told him, ta-da. I go, now your turn, bro. I'm kidding. Don't go. We need the tax base. Hard on us, man. And I'm not even mad at the wall. You know what I'm mad at? That you people don't think we know how to climb a wall. They built this wall in the middle of nowhere and left. That is building material. They're going to go back to that part of the wall and they're going, well, there was a wall here before. And right on the other side of the border is going to be a new Mexican town built out of the wall. So, you know, all right, let's get this out of the way. I want to get this out of the way. Breaking Bad fans in the house? Nice. Good for you. Suck for me, bro. I'm telling you, I'm from the hood, bro. I didn't know I was going to grow up and play a DEA agent. I can't go to no more parties in the hood, bro. I show up to a party like, hey, hey, you can't come in here, bro. You're a DEA, bro. I'm like, no, dude, I'm not a DEA, man. I'm an actor. No bullshit. I've seen you on TV. And I'm like, dad. It's Christmas and shit, bro. I brought the kids, man. Come on. Now we know, right, Breaking Bad, best TV show ever written. Thanks to the ending of Game of Thrones, we're still number one. They almost had it, right? Wasn't that good? We're like, yeah, boo. And then they came to the end and we went, ooh, we texted each other going, we're still number one. And if you haven't watched Breaking Bad, you know, **** you, man. I'm not mad at you, man. I'm just jealous, right? Because now you may go back and watch the best TV show ever written. And I'm stuck now watching TV with my wife. Now I've got to watch The Real Housewives of some bullshit. And I'm not mad at The Real Housewives. I'm not, right? I'm not mad. I'm just mad at the title. Because let me tell you something. If your show is called The Real Housewives and I watch it, and I never see you with a broom or a mop. Let me put it this way. If Maria is raising your kids, Maria's the real ******* housewife. Now if they called it drunk women who fight over shrimp, then you know what you're getting yourself into, right? My wife made me watch that, bro. And I'm just thinking, man, they should do like Housewives of the Hood. I would watch that. I think I want to produce that. Because that would be exciting. Latinas, they will stab you for shrimp. Now that fight wouldn't be just a nail and screaming, right? A Latina can stab you with a shoe. You know, Jackie, could you imagine that episode? You show up to the emergency room, you have a shoe sticking out of your gut. You're like, oh, hey, bro. Oh, yeah. Well, my wife. What, honey? Yes, I'm telling them the truth. I was running, and I fell on the shoe. Yeah, it's my shoe. I got small feet. See, right away, that's a better episode than what you see on that. So no, break your back. A good break for me, right? I get to fly all over. Look at me. I'm in New York. How crazy is that? That's crazy, man. That is crazy for me. See, I'm a new Mexican. And that same show, the guy goes, what? There's new ones? He got on the phone right away, goes, I'm going to call Trump on you. Babe, there's a new one here. Oh, no, he admitted it. I wanted to let you all know that New Mexico is a state. A lot of people don't know that. So I'm more of an old Mexican, but I live in New Mexico, right? And so it's changed my life, right? Because now I got to fly places. We're land animals in New Mexico, bro. We ride horses. We don't get on planes. And I don't like planes. I remember when I first started flying, they go, pick your airline. And so I picked Southwest. You all familiar with Southwest Airlines? Well, I'm from the Southwest. It made sense to me. And I love Southwest. Southwest is my place. That's my airline, right? And I have two main reasons why I love Southwest. Number one is now my wife and my mother-in-law come with me on gigs because, you know, two bags fly free. OK, I didn't mean that. Ladies, that's not what I put your shoe back. That's not what I meant. I meant that they bring so many bags. You guys don't believe me, do you? Number two, why I like Southwest. Because they don't have first class. I never knew what first class was. On Southwest, they give you a number. You stand in line. You get on the plane. You pick your seat, right? I had never seen first class until about a year ago, right? Someone else bought my ticket. I go, don't buy my ticket, man, because I'm collecting points. And they go, no, no, we already bought your ticket. You're on another airline. But I had never seen first class. And I'm the kind of guy that's drunk to get on a plane. I have to be drunk to even look at a plane, let alone get on a plane, right? So I'm drunk, and I'm used to Southwest, and I'm drunk to get on. And there was first class, but I didn't know that was first class. And there was a seat. It was empty. And first class, you grab whatever seat's open, right? It was empty. It had a pillow and a blanket. It had, like, champagne and some orange juice. I just sat my ass down. I went, boom! And the steward comes. She goes, sir, sir, sir. You're not here. I go, what do you mean I'm not here? It was open. She goes, no, no, no, sir. You're not in this part of the plane. You're in the back. You know what that's like? That's like going through Dillard's to get to Walmart. You know what I'm saying? You're up there looking at all the good stuff, but you're in the back with Faded Glory, bro. Me and you, Faded Glory, we know what that is. You know? And so I didn't even know that, man. So I had to go to the back. But I'm going to tell you something. First class, if you fly as first class, I'm warning you right now. You better be nice in first class. Why is it that people in first class are a little snooty? Right? Because they sit down. They act like, you know, you walk in. They're like, don't look at the common people. You know? They're there with their laptop. They're drinking their juice. They already have their pillow out, you know? And I'm telling you, I'm warning you. If you fly first class, you better say good morning to me. Because if you don't say good morning to me, you know what I do? I ******* fart through first class. You're going to need that mask, ************. Right? Because you know what I'm saying? I just crump dust them. That's what I do. Because it's hard, man. This whole flying thing has been hard on me, man. Ever since I started. I've been flying all over the world, right? And being a Mexican, they pick me out of line now. They go, sir, sir. Yeah, we randomly. We randomly picked your ass out of line. I'm like, no you didn't. You rectum-ly picked me out of line. Because who's been in the back room? That's right, me. The only brown dude. They put me in the back. Four times I've been in the back room. They give you the glove, bro. They check places that I don't want to be checked. I don't want to be touched there. Don't touch me there. My wife even did it one time in the heat of battle. I'm like, hey, what are you doing? She goes, well, I heard it was sexy on TikTok. I go, yeah, in prison. And so the fourth time I finally have to say something. First three times I didn't say nothing. I took it like a man. Okay, that didn't come out right either. I didn't mean to say that. But anyway, so I finally asked the question. I'm like, sir. I don't mean to interrupt. What you looking for, man? He goes, I'm looking for guns and bombs, sir. I go, look, dude, I'm a gun owner. My smallest nine, if I broke that down, that would not fit. Not comfortably, bro. And let's talk about how big the bomb would have to be, right? Bigger than a poop, I would think. So I'm just mad, right? I get on the plane and there's all these instructions and they're afraid and people eyeballing me. Let me tell you something. Robbing would have never happened if you put more Mexicans on planes, bro. Let me tell you something. This is the truth. You cannot rob us with a box cutter, bro. That guy would have stood up on the plane. That's it. We're taking over the plane. Wait a minute. Honey, come over here. That guy wants the plane. He hopes it's a box cutter. You're funny, bro. Honey, take off your shoe. My wife's going to kick your ass, bro. So I sit down at the table. She's like, you know, dad, I'm 16. I go, I don't give a ****. And she's the mean one, right? And she's like, no, I need to start driving. I go, no, you don't. I'll drive you. And then she goes, you got to listen to me. And I go, all right. I'm cool. All right. So you want to drive. So that means you're looking for a car. And then she goes, yes, I'm trying to do you a favor. I said, hey, calm down. It's good. So, okay, looking for a car. What do you got? She goes, well, I found this BMW for $43,000. And I went, baby, you're caught. Your first car might have paint. The doors might match. So I'm going to tell you all something. I'm going to tell you something. I don't care what happens in your life. You do not buy your kid no $43,000 BMW. That's bullshit. They have to go earn that. You make them drive a hooptie like you drove. You know what my first car was? It was the Datsun B210. And I know you guys don't know it because it's extinct with the dinosaurs. But I had a Datsun B210. And they call it the B210 because it drove between 2 and 10 miles an hour. I'd hit a hill. I'd have to put my foot out of it. And this girl, you know, and she's mean. And so when I told her that, she pushed off the table like a gangster. She pushed off the table. And then she says, **** that. I, okay. I go, all right. Check this out, girl. Don't talk to me that way. I will still spank a 16-year-old girl. You know what she told me? Touch me, punk. She goes, touch me, punk. I'll call the cops on you. I said, all right, so check this out. I'm going to spank you. And then I'm going to punch myself in the eye. And I want you to guess who's the actor in the ******* family. Because I'll be in the front yard waiting for the cops, man. I'll be in the front yard holding my eye, man. Thanks for coming, officer. What seems to be the problem? My daughter, man, she hit me in the eye, bro. She punched me, man. Why'd she punch you, sir? Because she wants a $43,000. I could tell him the truth. You know why I could tell him the truth? Because you know how much we pay police officers? Not enough for them to buy themselves a $43,000 BMW. That pissed him off. He'd arrest her right then and there. He'd pull his gun on her. He'd be all, on the ground, bitch. Put your hands behind your back, bitch. And I'd be all, oh, come on, officer, man. Don't call my daughter a bitch. Fuck it, arrest that bitch. She goes, my car's going to have air conditioning. I go, okay, there we go. Now we're negotiating again. Yeah, it's going to have air conditioning, baby. It's going to have Chicano, poor-ass air conditioning. You know what that is? She goes, no, I don't know what that is. I go, well, you're going to have to watch me because you're going to see movements you've never seen before. So check this out, right? So you're in your car and you get hot and you put it on low. So low is when you go like that. And exercise at the same time. So that's low. And then medium is when you roll down both. And high is when you roll down. You know, the other day, guys, the same daughter comes home, mean to me. I'm sitting there, it's Sunday. It's my house. I'm wearing just shorts, some sandals, no shirt. I'm watching golf. That's right, I'm on Mexican gloves. Someone told me there was a rake involved. That was a Mexican joke. And so, you know, I'm minding my own business and my daughter walks in and I don't even know how she speaks this way because she's a Mexican girl from New Mexico. She walks into my house and she's like, oh, my God. I go, who the hell are you, man? She's like, oh, my God, Dad, that's disgusting. I go, what's disgusting? She goes, oh, my God, you have, like, boobs. I go, that's right, I have boobs. I'm 58 years old. Those are my boobs. I like my boobs. I love my boobs. You know why? Because when your mom don't give me no action, I don't give a shit because now I got my own ******* boobs. She got all mad, bro. She's like, oh, my God. She ran upstairs. She comes down two minutes later, she thinks she's smarter than me. She throws a bra. Yeah, throws a bra at me. She goes, oh, my God, at least put that on. She ran upstairs. I waited a couple of minutes. I go, hey, it's too small. I don't even know what to do. She goes, you go up there and take a phone. So I call them down. My youngest is the only one who hears me and my cool one. My youngest daughter, she's the cool one. She's like, hey, what's up, pops? I said, well, get your ass over here. I said, you know what? I need you to go in your room and bring me a phone. This is your punishment. This is called grounding. You're grounded. Give me the phone. So she goes into her room, comes back crying, right? And she hands me the phone. She goes, I don't even know what I did. I go, what do you mean you don't know what you did? I can smell your room from here. I said, and your grades suck. And she goes, we don't get our grades for three weeks. I go, well, I'm anticipating. Can I wait three weeks before I even find it? I forgot I took it. Three weeks later, I'm thinking, I don't know how to punish. Three weeks? I'm the baddest ever. So I pull out the phone and she's in the back and I go, look, baby, you're no longer grounded. Thank you for honor roll, by the way. I appreciate that. And I reach back to hand her the phone and she's in the back like this. And I go, what's that? She goes, my phone. I go, what the **** is this? She goes, oh yeah, that's my old phone. She goes, you weren't specific. And this is the truth, right? When you have three girls, you have bought five million phones, right? And they all look the same. They're all cracked. You don't know which one from which one. That pisses me off. They crack them right away. But not anymore. Not anymore. Now when a new phone shows up, you know what I do? I pull it out of the box. I crack that shit myself. If I'm paying for it, I'm cracking it. That's all I'm saying. And I finally realize, don't take away the phone, bro. Take away the charger. And that's what I did. I put a sock over my face, ran into all their rooms. Oh, dude, sock smells way better than their room, bro. And they're cocky at first, right? They're like, so what? I got 98%. But guess what? At 50%, they look different, bro. Oh, yeah, they're like, looks like a damn zombie and shit. At 25%, they look like a drug addict. Oh, yeah, they're like. Now at 10%, they're like crawled up in a ball, right? They're like rubbing the phone on the electrical outlet and basically pass for over, bro. And at 5%, guess what? Clean house, straight A's. Because they just watched their life percentage by percentage by percentage leave them. And at 5%, a teenage girl will never ever let her phone die. So I just taught you all something. When you have kids, power, that's your power. But it's hard to win, man. I remember just one day I said, you know what? I brought them all down and go, you're all grounded. This is the new grounding. Get out. They go, what? I go, that's right, you're grounded. Get out of my house. And I wasn't mean. I didn't throw them out the front yard. I threw them out the back, right? Because I was kind, right? I threw them out the back. They were in the back for like two minutes. They didn't know what to do. They were up against the house like this. Oldest daughter goes, oh my God, what do we do out here? My youngest daughter goes, I don't know, Google it. After three minutes, they were pounding on the door. Dad, let us in. There's an animal out here. I said, I know, it's your ******* dog. She goes, that's not my dog. My dog's a puppy. For three damn months, I'd pet it, pick up a poop, throw a Frisbee. She goes, what's a Frisbee? I said, I don't know, Google it. Do I got drinkers in here? Yeah. I'm a drinker. Just not right now. I'm a drinker. I drink a lot. I'm a drunk. Oh, I am, right, because I live with nothing but women. Yeah. I raised all girls. I don't even know, because I didn't come from a family of all girls. We had all boys. We had one sister, but we didn't know she was a girl. She was our toughest brother. You pick on me, I go, you know what, my brother with the boobs is going to kick your ass. They left me alone, bro. Yeah, but I didn't know. I didn't know that, so now I had all girls. I don't even know how to deal with that shit, man. I don't even know. Look, ladies, let me ask you a question. See, I had three daughters. I thought I was going to have the cleanest house ever, because I had daughters, right? And so, ladies, what the ****, man? You got to be kidding me. What happens? Because guys, you know, when they become women and grandmas, that's bullshit. This is how you know you have all daughters, man. When you go to the kitchen and open the cabinet to get a bowl, guess how many bowls are in the cabinet? That's right. Not a ******* one. You know where they are? They're under their bed. They're under their bed, growing some shit. My kids never ask for a pet. You know why? They're growing their own damn pet. Yeah, there's a green thing with teeth and shit. I don't even go in their room. It's scary. You know how many spoons are in the house? One. My spoon. That's right. I use my spoon, then I wash it, put it next to my bed. So just in case, in the middle of the night, I want to go downstairs and eat cereal out of a Tupperware bowl, I can do that. You know how girls do laundry? They don't. They don't do laundry. They go and they put a load in and they just leave it. You find it a week later, it's not like someone died and you say, I have one rule in my house. One rule. Clean the lint trap. They can't do that. You open my lint trap, there's a sweater in there, man. Yeah. They can't even do that because with women, it's hair. Everywhere, bro. I have scissors taped to the vacuum. I'm telling you, I have hair everywhere. I'm the only person in the world that you come to my house and my dog has hair on him. Not his hair. Someone else's hair. I even thought I'd outsmart the girls and I got lazy. I said, I'm going to buy a Roomba. I got one of them Roombas, those automatic ones. You have to program it. It went across the floor and it blew up. I don't even know what to do. My wife's mad at me all the time. She goes, these girls run all over you. She goes, you need to ground some kids. I go, okay, let's talk about that. Let me ask something, honey. How do you ground somebody that don't go outside? Because when I was a kid, grounding, right, because we used to go outside, we used to live outside. Grounding was putting my kids, putting them outside. What the hell is that, right? So how do you ground somebody? I don't even know. My wife goes, you got to do something. I said, I don't know what to do. She goes, you go up the stairs. I'm not going up them stairs. I'm afraid to go up. The dogs don't even go up there. I'm not going up there. She goes, you need to ground, you need to figure out how to punish them. I said, how do you ground somebody? I'm not lying to you. They never stopped it. I said, no, they're Mexican. They just never see the sun. See, that's something you guys don't know about us. We're actually Caucasian. I didn't know that either. This friend of mine goes, you're a Caucasian, look at your birth certificate. And let me tell you all something. My father, he served in World War II, Korea, and two tours of Vietnam. My father served there. I'm not bragging, I'm just telling you I got a real birth certificate. So on the birth certificate, it says Caucasian. I went, holy shit. I could be a manager. I could get a raise, bro. The only reason why we're brown, bro, is because we're building a wall. Not that wall, the wall in the backyard, bro. Fuck Ikea, man. If you haven't been to Ikea, I can explain Ikea to you, man. Ikea is like a haunted house. You've been to a haunted house, right, sir? It's like when you walk into the haunted house, you can't go back the other way. You gotta go from scary room to scary room to scary room to scary room. Then they feed you meatballs, scary rooms. So get the hell out of Ikea. And at Ikea, you can't just buy the stool. Oh, no, no, no, no. You gotta buy all the shit, bro. You gotta buy all the bookcase. You gotta buy the couch and the ottoman and the bedroom set and the piano to get the hell out of Ikea. And this is how you know you've made it in life. When you buy furniture and they take it to your house and they set it down and they leave, boom, I have not made it. My shit shows up in a box with an Allen wrench. I'm not even really a comedian, bro. I'm scouring the country to find Allen so I can kick his ass. The guys are cheery ladies because if Allen was here tonight, we would all kick his ass. There would be a line behind me going, I just want one shot, bro. Dude, one shot. Let's put all this stuff together. And then we think we can outsmart Allen. We go buy that big-ass Allen wrench set at Home Depot and guess what? It don't fit shit in that box. I don't even know how they do that, bro. You have to use the one that comes in the box. And let me tell you something, ladies. This is the honest truth. If we are not going to ask for directions, we're not going to read instructions. I'm going to put the shit together. I don't have to read shit. I'm not dumb. I could do that shit. I got 100 on the ACT. For those of you who didn't laugh, you also got 100 on the ACT.