Big Mac Taco - You Suck at Cooking (episode 171)

You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck. Today we're making the Big Mac Taco. Not to be confused with the Small Mac Taco, not to be confused with the Old El Paco, not to be confused with the Biggie 2 Paco, which is just a taco with a lot of beef. The reason we're making this recipe today is to unite the people of Mexico and the people of the United States of America in anger over defiling their most sacred cuisine. But this begs the question, is a taco simply the form of a tortilla wrapped around anything? Or if you change the ingredients of a taco enough, does it cease to be a taco? Also, this is a burger, but is bis a thurger? Now I don't want to get into whether or not a taco is a sandwich, because it's not. A sandwich is actually a borderless taco. Also, if you're interested in the history of the taco, it was invented in the year 0 by God, just after the Big Bang, also known as the Big Baco. Tacos start with tortillas, and we're going to use flat tortillas today. You can use a prism tortilla if you want, which comes from San Miguel, although it's much more difficult to get the ingredients to stay on them. But we're going to use flat earth tortillas, and we're going to add our ground beef, which comes from the ground. You can use those thin artisanal meat handling gloves if you want, but using a spoon to create a smash burger type thin layer works really great, without having to get meat on your nice gloves. Also, did you know that the word artisanal has another word inside it? It's the word is, and it's jammed right in the middle. The difference between what I'm doing here and spreading icing on a cake, is that when you give cake to children, it doesn't usually make them cry. Now that we've got our beef frosted tortillas ready, we're going to fry these on our pan, which is on medium heat, which is actually high, because I let it heat up for 10 minutes, and 10 is the hottest number. And we're just going to pretend we're making a pancake for 2 or 3 minutes while we prep our other ingredients, starting with our pickles. We're going to dice these pickles so that we can roll for initiative, but of course the onion always wins because it min-maxed like crazy, dumping charisma for crazy high decks. Now we're going to grab our driest, most desiccated onion, and chop it up until you've got delicious onion sprinkles. Now we're going to grab our lettuce iceberg, we'll chop that up, and you want to make sure there's no ice left on the lettuce after, whoop, that way when you're eating it, your mouth won't get fr- whoop. And now we're going to make our Big Mac sauce, which is one part mayo, to one part vinegar, to one part mayo, to one part mustard, to one part mayo, to one part ketchup, which is actually sriracha, to one part mayo, to one part paprika, to one part mayo, to one part onion powder, to one part mayo, to one part mayo. And we're just going to wang-jangle that together until we've got mayo. Okay, I totally winged that, but it actually tastes so good, I think because of the mayo. And now we're ready to flip our traditional non-prismic taco beef tortilla-type cylindrical disc-shaped thing, and now we lay me down to cheese, and we'll put the roof on there to create a taco sauna until that gets all melty while the other side of the beef cooks right through the tortilla, utilizing the heat-conductive properties of the tortilla because it's made of tortilla and not aerogel. Once that's done, we'll airlift this onto the plate, which is actually a cutting board, let's call it a plutting board, and we'll immediately hit that with an offensive amount of Big Mac sauce, we'll follow up with way more pickles than you'd ever actually see on a Big Mac, and we'll add in a pathetically small pinch of onions to keep true to that traditional Big Mac taste, where you only get onion in one bite while maximizing both profits and disappointment. And then we'll add lettuce on top of that to pretend there's something redeeming about this. And if you keep adding lettuce, you turn this from a Big Mac taco into a Big Mac taco salad. Or you can embed the Big Mac taco into a head of iceberg lettuce to create a Big Mac taco lettuce-wrapped taco. And if you put that on a bun, you have a Big Mac taco lettuce-wrapped taco burger. Add two slices of bread, and you have a Big Mac taco lettuce-wrapped taco burger sandwich. Throw that on some dough with melted cheese, and now we have a Big Mac taco lettuce-wrapped taco burger sandwich pizza, which is the traditional food of the people of the Romagna region of Italy. Bon appetito!