Mark Simmons: Quip Off The Mark | Full Comedy Special

I should probably tell you right at the top that I tweaked my back earlier, carrying stuff in. It's okay, but it's sort of lower back, I can't quite straighten up. But I just thought I'd tell you in case I move a bit weird and you're worried about me. I don't know. But other than that, I've had a lovely day. I found some money in the street. Yeah, just next to some blokes singing. Got a 20 pound note. Do you like the plasticy material for notes these days? Not really. No, my mate's really arrogant and thinks he knows everything. He's like, actually, did you know they're designed to last longer? I don't think so. Already spent it. Went to a lecture about counterfeit money. Can't remember much. They told us not to make notes. Speaking of money, any of you after your own online tax return? Oh, it's a nightmare, isn't it? Not knowing what numbers to put in what boxes. And I think they know you're going to give up. There's a button that says submit. Nice looking crowd in today. Very nice. Quite a couple-y vibe. Holding hands. Very nice. I like that. See, my wife hates public displays of affection. Now, there's one day she wouldn't kiss me in front of people and I think she ruined our wedding. That's not true. No, I don't have a wife. I don't. That joke only works with wives. I said that one at the beginning. Get it out of the way. Do I have a girlfriend? No, that's true. And I actually asked her, she wants to go out for a meal tomorrow night. She said yes. Yeah, so now I've got the flat to myself. But other than me back, I have had a good day today. I went for a coffee. I love a loyalty card. Don't go to Cafe Nero. Have you seen theirs? You've got to purchase nine coffees to get a free one. I was off my head by the eighth. Just moved house, actually, recently, and I was living in quite a shit area. So bad, this one day looked out the window, saw an old man fall over just outside my house. Couldn't believe it. No one stopped to help him. And I was watching for two hours. Got a new housemate. Came home the other night, went into his room. He was in bed burning candles. And I was like, ah, smells like incest, doesn't it? He was like, I think you mean incense. And he laughed. His sister laughed. Oh, what's that? Oh, I've just taken some, actually. Yeah, thanks. Cheers. Drug dealer over there. So thank you for coming to the show. This is the show. And this is the house I grew up in. And my mom sold it recently and basically found loads of my stuff all in the house, in the loft, chucked it all in a box. I thought it might be fun just to go through the box as we go through the show. I'm just going to put these down. All sorts in there. So where's the de-agent in there? Where's the de-agent knocking about? This is quite cool. So when I was at uni, I did a project where I'd interview well-known comedians and ask them all for one piece of advice. So I've got those here, so I could tell you some of these in the show. Actually, before I do the first one. There we go. So Lee Evans said, come on stage with a lot of energy. Was that worth it? What have we got here? Oh yeah, this. So over the years, I've written quite a few Edinburgh comedy festival shows. And sometimes you write jokes you like, but they don't quite fit in the show. And when I found this, I went through it, because I used to just put all those jokes in there. And some of them are quite good. They're just a bit random. So I thought I could tell you some of these. For example, they say your online password should be a secret. So mine's my sister's adopted. My girlfriend told me she changes her Facebook password from time to time. That's the same word. My girlfriend bought me a book called Stop Smoking with Derren Brown. I've never met him. I've got some fun facts here as well. Did you know Wolverhampton is what happens to Northampton when there's a full moon? This next fun fact was actually on the Edinburgh Comedy Festival Top 10 Jokes of the Fringe list last year. Yeah. Did you know if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next day delivery? There's one more fun fact here. The phrase I say tomatoes, you say tomatoes doesn't work written down. Anyone else have a bad back? Oh, quite a few of you. Oh, you are. Yeah. It's annoying, isn't it? So this is right in the lower bit. Is it best just to keep moving at that? No, it's not. Yes, it's okay. See, I do have a back condition, but I don't think it's directly related to this, because this is right in the base bit. But I've got scoliosis. You know what scoliosis is? So that's sort of an S shape, like curve of your spine. And with me, it sort of affects the upper bit. So one rib cage sticks out more than the other. If you run your finger across, it's like a step. My older brother always used to pick on me about it. Always call me a step brother. And he'd never get told off by my mum or his dad. So I've got scoliosis, got Crohn's as well. Got all sorts of stuff. Anyone know what Crohn's disease is? No one at all. No. So it's inflammation of the bowel, right? It's not very nice, but it's one of those things. I just think you've got to try and see the best in it if you can. And I think the best thing about having Crohn's is that no one really knows anything about it, which also means I now never have to do anything I don't want to do. So like go to my mum's for Sunday dinner. She's like, Mark, do you want some broccoli? I go, I can't. I've got Crohn's. Or go drinking with your mates. They're like, Mark, do you want to do some shots? I go, I can't. I've got Crohn's. Or my girlfriend's like, Mark, can I do with a strap on? Yep. Yep, doesn't affect that. That's a good tester joke for an audience and you'll pass. Very good. See with this job, a lot of people say it's the bravest job in the world. You've got to be so brave. And I think that's nonsense. You don't have to be that brave to do this. Like I honestly think the bravest people, the men and women that work in the services, do you agree with that? Yeah, because there are a lot of dangerous people stopping off for petrol. Spent a lot of time on the motorway, saw a sign that said keep two chevrons apart. Now I don't know what a chevron is, but they clearly don't get on. I was driving behind a bus on the back. There's a big sign saying driver required. I like driving to gigs. Don't like getting the train. Don't really like the people that work at train station. I think they can be a bit rude. I went there this one day, went up to the desk, I said to the man, can I have a cheap ticket to London, please? He said, it's peak time. I said, okay, can I have a cheap ticket to London, please? Spent a lot of time on the road doing all sorts of gigs. The weirdest gig I've ever done was I did a car park comedy gig in the lockdown. Did you have car park comedy gigs around here? No? So it's basically this big car park, stage was one end, and then they had to drive in, and they weren't allowed to get out of their car, so they had to tune their radio in so they could hear what was going on. And if they liked a joke, they'd have to beep their horn. It's so weird, but you do actually get used to a beep meaning a laugh. On the way home, I cut some bloke up. He found it hilarious. Get to play all sorts of gigs. I did some military shows. I played an air base, like this. I normally give that bit more, but backers. Don't always get to play nice people like you. The worst people you could do comedy to is stag and hen groups, I think. And the worst one I had, whole stag group got kicked out while I was on stage. And then when I left the building later, one of them started a fight with me outside. And he was so drunk, he did that macho thing where he took his shirt off and wanted to fight me bare-chested. And I said to him, why have you taken your shirt off? He went, I only take my shirt off for two things, fighting and shagging. All right, he then punched me in the face, and I have never felt so relieved. Mickey Flanagan, try using links between material. This is a silly one. The other day, my little baby pet shark said his first word. He said, The other day, I thought I was being chased by heat magazine paparazzi, but it was okay. Did someone just call me paranoid? I entered the best poo competition, tried hard, it's in the hands of the judges now. What else we got in there? Ah, a picture of my nephews. It's quite nice, got that at Christmas one year, just left it at my mum's, I think by accident. No, I had a nightmare the other day, I had to pick my nephew up from school, and then I got instructions, had to go to a pharmacy to get a very specific type of head lice shampoo. And then when I got back, my sister-in-law told me I got the wrong one, but they were similar kids. So I don't know much about kids and all that sort of thing. I remember when my first nephew was born, my sister-in-law said to me, Mark, can you burp Taylor? I was like, I think as you can tell by that joke, I'm not mature enough to have kids. I babysat him once, put him to bed, he comes down the stairs, he's like, Uncle Mark, I think there's a ghost in my room. So I got up and legged it. Sometimes I like to sleep in the fetal position, which isn't very comfortable for my mum. Too much? All right, all right, I'll line it up, I'll line it up. The other day, my grandmother fell asleep in a restaurant, it's okay, because it was Nando's. You explaining it? I love that, you just went, Nando's. Don't worry, it's honestly, I do a lot of thinkers, so this happens quite a lot. So were you explaining it to you? Yeah, you explaining it to her? Okay, cool, nice one. What's your name? Sarah, nice one. If you have any trouble with anyone, put your hand up, we'll go through it. I don't mind. It's only, you pay money to get to watch the show, you should get all the jokes, it's only fair. I tell you what, I've got some thinkers coming up later, I'll pre-warn you just before, all right? Yeah, sweet, nice. So yeah, that was the nan, talking about the nan. My nan's actually going a bit crazy, actually. She keeps telling everyone she's being stalked, but I haven't seen anything suspicious, and I've been following her. That's my nan. It's my mum's birthday. It was her birthday in, it must have been back in August, and I went round there just before, and I said to her, you know, it's your birthday coming up, not sure what to get you, I think I might get you a dress. You know, I'm a man, I don't know what size, what colour. I said, what sort of dress would you like? She said, summery. I said, it's your birthday, not sure what to get you, what would you like? My father worked 12 hours a day to put food on the table. Great dad, slow cook. A few years ago, all my family predicted what we thought my sister would end up doing for a living. Turns out she works for a sex chat line. Yep, I called it. I've had loads of different jobs. At the age of 30, I was a Virgin Air steward working for British Airways. Used to work in a garden centre. This guy asked me what water feature he should buy, and I was like, well. Used to work in an ice cream shop. This one day I was supposed to start work at nine, got there at 9.30. Boss was angry, came over, he said, Mark, you're late, we need to make the time up. I said, okay, it's nine. This guy came in, he asked for one scoop and sauce. I said, Rhianna's pregnant, and my mate Steve told me. Next one's a thinker. So if you're considering a job as a meteorologist, you need to decide whether or not a meteorologist is a weather person. Next one's a thinker as well, and then we're good. Next one's the hardest one, actually. I was trying to work out whether you'll get it. What do you do for a living? NHS. Oh, that's very good. Nice. I actually had a group in for the NHS the other day, and I asked them all what they did, and it's one woman said that she's a surgeon. This other woman said she's a first responder, and I thought, no, you're not. So I reckon you'll get this, because you would have done manual handling courses and things, like picking people up, right? So yes, you'll get this one, I reckon. So I used to work in a warehouse, and I messaged my boss saying, what's the safest way to pick up a heavy box? And he texts straight back, yeah, sweet. So this is what I love about this job, is like every gig, every show, you have different reactions, different jokes, different times of interaction. It's brilliant. Like, it's really fun. A lot of people say comedy's the new rock and roll. Well, if you want to know how many women I sleep with, this week alone, last week alone, you get all sorts of gigs doing this job. Like, I did this benefit show, this sort of like a charity thing, and Boris Johnson was there, right? And he knew I was a comedian. He asked me the classic question. He said, what's the worst heckle you've ever had? And I said, **** off, you wanker. I don't get heckled. I remember when Boris Johnson was announced as prime minister. I got very excited about that evening, because my girlfriend messaged me saying, BJ, PM. Speaking of world leaders, I had this weird conversation with my mum about the potential of Putin launching a nuclear rocket at us. And she said he needs a good telling off. And I was thinking, I hope she doesn't do it. Because when I was a kid, and she wanted me to stop doing something, she'd go five, four, three. Two small advice, Noel Fielding is the next one. Do you like Noel Fielding? Hang on a second, sorry. Don't panic. I had it earlier, because we did another show. It's all right. There's not a bit of paper on the floor, is there? Can't really bend down. No. Hang on. It's not. Definitely not there. Oh, sorry. I had no idea why that's there. Anyway, here we go. Noel Fielding, you need to have a good look. Here's a fun thing you could do if you get bored. Book an appointment with a feng shui expert, but every so often, phone to rearrange it. Oh, my tapestry exam's looming. I'm going to shock you now. I agree with fly tipping. Yeah, just leave that there. My friend asked me if I wanted to know the difference between vaping and smoking. I said, no tart. Here we go. My girlfriend said I was average. I thought, that's mean. Oh, we've got some fans of maths jokes in, have we? I do have another maths joke that doesn't always work. It's a bit of niche, I think. This might be the audience for it. Anyway, here we go. My friend had a go at me for being a maths geek, which is weird, because normally he's nice at 3.14159. That is the best that's ever done. Good work, Brian. What else have we got in here? Oh, this is good. A few years ago, I decided to write down every heckle I got at comedy clubs, and then read them to the audience members. You see the stuff that gets shouted at us, and I thought it might be fun. I'll tell you some. Actually, while I've got this here, I'll also do impressions. You like impressions? Yeah? Okay. My first impression is an impression of a campfire. Thank you. I'm so hot. That was it. My second impression is an impression of a hurricane. Thank you. That was long-winded. So heckles, here we go. Actually, I've got heckles recently. I think it counts as a heckle. I did a gig up north, and there's a stag group in. This guy's phone went off, quite rude. He answered it. He just started having a chat during my show. I was like, right, I'm a professional comedian. I'll deal with this. I said, who is it? He went, it's your mum. I now got laughs in the room, and I thought, actually, it's quite funny. Anyway, it turns out he nicked my phone. You get all sorts happening at gigs. This one time, a massive fight kicked off. At the time, no one really knew what happened. Turns out it was two chevrons. You heard that? So here we go, all the heckles that I got from the top. Your shit. It's a classic. Bring back the last guy. Get off. Ed Sheeran. Ginger. He's not ginger. He's strawberry blonde. He's ******* ginger. They start heckling each other. Shaggy. I'm thinking Scooby-Doo, not rapper. I don't get it. Happens all the time. This next one's my favourite one. Why are you doing this to us? Not funny. Who booked this guy? I'm funnier than this. That was the first gig. Ed Sheeran's the one I get all the time. I walk through a town centre, and he just gets shouted at me constantly. It's really annoying. I was at home the other day reading a magazine article about him. Big picture of him. I started complaining about people saying I look like him. My nan was there. She tried to make me feel better. She went, come on, Mark. Sure you don't look anything like him. Show me the picture. So I did, and she went, that's because you've been following me. My friend wants me to join his gang. He phoned me the other day. He said, we're doing a burglary at U-Inn. I said, no. And he robbed my house. Had an argument with my friend about what part of her body gets circumcised. I said, it's a penis. End of. My friend's thinking he can do an impression of a Native American. I said, that's racist. He said, how? I said, stop it. My friend suffered from anxiety. He said to him, ever start to panic, take a deep breath. He drowned. And that was quite a good reaction for that one. Generally, people don't like that joke, right? And what I've noticed over the years is people just don't really like jokes about death. Just makes people a bit uncomfortable. They don't laugh as much. But to me, it's just silly wordplay, right? And the death bit's added. It's not that important to it. But as you laugh at that, I've got two more I want to do. So my friend said, if he was going to get euthanized, to jump on a plane and go to Switzerland. I said, that's one way. Especially, I read an article about a guy that suffocated his mother with a pillow. Not the best start for a joke, is it? The thing is, I feel sorry for the pillow because memory foam has got to live with that. You see me, they're just silly jokes, right? But people get really tense with subject matter. You've got to be careful these days. Audiences do get triggered really easily. And I never want to upset anyone with a joke. That's not why I do it. It's like I've got some jokes with the word gay in the setup. They're not offensive in the slightest. But when I say the word, I can feel whole audiences go, like this. And at the end of the joke, they've got to decide, was that OK? Was that not OK? And by the time they've worked out it was all right, it's too late to laugh, right? Like, it is nice that they're worried, but it just doesn't help the jokes. For example, I think my best friend might be gay. Showed him my willy. He said, leave it out. Actually, one of my best friends is gay. And he told me he slept with 300 men. I said, give or take. That's none of your business. I'm just going to do a weird thing. This might look weird, but oh, let's just click that. That's good. Sorry. Let's talk about something nice. Anyone been anywhere nice on holiday lately? Good chat. OK, cool. Anyone been anywhere abroad? Whereabouts? Bali? Oh, lovely. Was that hot? Nice. I do like a hot holiday. Although, I don't use sun cream anymore. Ever since my girlfriend told me, she's always been attracted to men that are well-read. Anyone been anywhere else nice? Italy, lovely. I went for an Italian meal. Oh, dear. I thought that might get a better reception. I suppose there is only one bar. What was it? You all right? What was it? Was that a phone call or was it like an alarm? Alarm. What you got to do?