Standup Comedian Meets a Grave Digger | Crowd Work Standup Comedy

What's your name, sir? Simon. Simon! Good name, Simon. Do you know what the name means, Simon? You know, every name has a meaning. My name's Barry, which is Gaelic for twat. Do you know what the name Simon, where it comes from? Tahir. Yeah. Good question. So yeah, Tahir, good listener. Do you like it? Are you a good listener? No, I actually have a really good copy. Wow, that's... That's a burn from your parents. Let's give him a name he can never hope to come up to. And is that what your parents have done? They're just like constantly undermining your achievements. Yeah, yeah. Well, not only, like, you've lived my life. Simon, what do your parents do? What are they? English private school. English profit. That's it. Okay, profit. Somebody's parents are a profit. But that's fine. Anyway, Simon, what is it you do for a living? I'm a gravedigger. You're a gravedigger? Come on. Your parents are prophets and you're a gravedigger? Like, are you from the Greek myths or something? You're Hermes, the messenger. You've got, like... Man, if Agamemnon is here, I'm fucked. I don't even know if that's historically accurate. I just like saying the word Agamemnon. And I know it. Do you know your Greek myths, then? Did you say them? I like the idea that you're a gravedigger, but in my head you... Because you said gravedigger, but then that made me think that you might do that for a hobby. Because, I mean, that's a terrible thing. If you're digging a hole somewhere, and someone's like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm digging a grave. He's never going to, especially if it's not a graveyard. Have you ever dug a grave, then, Simon? Yeah, but it's not like... It's not like a career. It's more of a calling. He's like, you know what? I can't hear what anyone else is doing. Everyone's going to die. Fuck them. I'm digging holes and I'm pushing people in. And I can't hear them scream, so **** it. They're playing Simon. You should get aired. You're like, I'm not really that. So are you a gravedigger or are you not a gravedigger? Yeah, yeah. Just not full-time, yeah. Just not full-time. I know that you think this is a funny idea, but it's still disturbing. So part-time gravedigger? By the way, if you do talk, I hear you because I'm easily distracted. What were you saying? You're interested in the spell, or I was more interested in the gravedigging. Sorry, say that again. I was more interested in the gravedigging than in the proper parlour. Okay. Good. It's not a choose-your-own-gig. You're literally trying to swipe away. You're like, no, no. I demand the other... That's the other thing. But I did say I'd get back to the gravedigging later. It's all right. You know what I've done? I've hooked you in, right? I'm going to talk to him at the end, making sure you don't ******* leave. You're going to find out more about the ******* gravedigging. But since you're so critical of everybody else, who are you, Doth? Doth Carter dispersions on the waves of the world. What is your name, oh whisperer? Holly. And what is it that you do for your living, Holly? I work in offshore wind. You work in offshore wind? And when you say you work in offshore wind, I'm going to need more clarification. Because technically, anyone that uses electricity works in offshore wind. But what would you do in offshore wind, Holly? So I work for the government, making sure that we have more of that. Yeah, still offshore wind. Do you? I just like going by the by-the-by and helping to save the planet. Yeah. I can sense that in your attitudes. Guys, I'm helping to save the planet, so I don't have to go to your rules. I want to hear about the ******* gravedigger. I'm going to hear about the gravedigger. Because you guys are digging your own grave every single time you board a ship. But what I was more interested in is, so day by day, so obviously, I know the big theory of what you do, but day by day, what do you actually do? Where do you go, and what do you do in your hours of work? I work in Westminster, and I work on primary legislation. OK, so what is that? Does that involve being sat at a desk, kind of doing computer stuff, going through legislation? Sounds less interesting. It's affordable, all the same. But I do prefer something that's stuck in. You know what? You've got a theory about what you do, but when he's doing what he does, we ******* know what he does. So I can understand you want to hear about some practical ******* gravedigging. I understand that. Yawning. I thought you were yawning, but I literally looked over there. You know when you see somebody mid-yawn? You know it's a yawn, but there's a part of you that just thinks somebody's going... Because that has a bold look. Fuck it. You know what? Tomorrow, when you go out, just choose a minute, right? It might be in the office. You know, I might be doing some good. Just be sat there. Fuck it. You know what? I feel like asking everybody to do it now just to see what it looks like. Tell me what I'm going to do, right? So I'm going to ask you to do it, right? And what we'll do is... Ten seconds. But really look around. Really see what that... This guy's... Look at how attractive this ****** is. I'm not compromising this face for this ridiculous... Look at you! You look like you have sex for a living, mate. You've got the shirt. You're doing good. You're all just delighted. You're like, I just want a little bumble. You look like... What's the Superman dude? What's his name? Cavill. Yeah, but a smaller one. But a Cavill. You know, like a knock-off Cavill. That's still good, right? What's your name? Farris. Fuck it. My name's Diarrho. I just wander up to people like, Hello, my name's Carlos. How have you had your sex for a living? Don't be begging. Hey, Carlos. How you doing? You all right? What do you do for a living, Carlos? I work at a bank. You work at a bank? Is it a sexy bank? You're just banking *******... I don't know what you're banking. Is it a sperm bank? Fucking sexy sperm bank, doesn't it? It's like, listen, I'll be here. You just look at me and it'll just come out of me. It doesn't matter what they're attracted to. They'll just look at me. That sounds horrible to me, doesn't it? Anyway. What kind of bank? It's a development bank. There's something about the accent. You know what? In general, I don't like bankers, but do you know what I mean? I would. Fuck it. It's a development bank. What does that mean? We finance development countries. Yeah, of course you do. You're constantly making new people. You're supporting... You're financing development countries. Come on, tell me what you do. Basically, I finance banks in Egypt. Everyone's drooling. Anyway, that's it. That's it, Carlos. Anyway, so I haven't forgotten the noun or anything, right? You're going to have to do it. You're leading, right? Fuck it. So let's just try it on three, right? I don't want to do this. So it's like a mid-yawn look, because we've all ******* done a full yawn. Every human being here has yawned, right? We all know what that is, but it's the mid-yawn. It's the peak yawn. That's what you're doing where your mouth literally can't be more open than it is. Right? So let's just give it a go. Ready? So I'll say three, and then we'll do like five seconds. Really look around. Right? Ready? I don't know why this is going to happen. One, two, three. Doing it this side. When you do it, get really up in people's grills. No, don't do that. All right, anyway. Yeah. This guy was having none of it. Listen, mate, I'm ******* cool. I'm dressed as a chromatized whale's body. I've got the look. I know where I will found myself. There you go. Are you a lover of where's Wally? No. No? Oh, so that's like a protest T-shirt. Here's ******* Wally. You know what? I don't like where's Wally. I don't know. You know, we all know butt shit. We all know where's Wally. Yeah, if Americans where's Waldo, you might know. Yeah. That's right, heck. Sounds like I'm talking to parts of my own body. The thing I don't like about where's Wally is like, who invented like this? Because I thought like, it was in lockdown. I had a where's Wally book. You know, when you go through lockdown and you're going through the stuff that you hadn't seen in ages. I was like, oh, I mean, I've got a where's Wally book. I haven't seen Wally in ages. Let's have a go on that. I was in a good mood. I was in a good ******* mood. I was all right. I was chipper. So I got it out. I was like, I wonder where Wally is. Yeah, come on. Come on. Literally 10 minutes later, I'm like, what the **** are you? Hanging around with so many ******* people. Face your issues. Like, I was so angry. I was so angry. I swear, I swear. I mean, what kind of masochist, is it masochist or sadist, makes a book that just makes people ******* angry? Because there's nobody who's just like, I'm having a great time. No, what the ****? No. I was so angry. I swore I was going to write to the publisher and I was going to have a whole new line of books. And it was just going to be this. What it's going to be, it's going to be Wally, on his own, in great expanses of space. There he is. Next. Wally, alone in a swimming pool. Oh, there he is. Next. Can I get on with my life now? And the great thing was, I had a title for it and everything. It's going to be called, There's Wally. I've got too much left, but I kind of feel like I need to address the question mark. And Holly's giving me real eagles for the back. She's like, you promised me satisfaction. This is why I'm keeping the world alive. I want to find out what's going on here. By a cheer, how many people believe that Simon is a gravedigger? I love the way you click. And by a cheer, who doesn't think Simon is a gravedigger? Weirdly, it's half of the room. This half doesn't believe, this half believes. And so, are you genuinely, Simon, are you genuinely a gravedigger? Okay. That was a pause there where you were like... When you say, explain a bit more. I need to understand what you actually mean. I am a gravedigger. What I mean is, I need enough detail for my own head to go, yeah, you're not just a man saying, I am a gravedigger. And I can verify that, oh yeah, that's practically what gravediggers do. That's how somebody gets into gravedigging. How the **** do you get into gravedigging? You don't try to be a gravedigger. When you do something else, you end up being a gravedigger. It's like a gravedigger wisdom. You don't just try to be a gravedigger. You dig a grave. What's that phrase? You don't just walk into... I can't remember what the **** that's from. So were you just digging holes when you were younger and people were dying into those? You know, this is a career. So where do you work? What are your graveyards? Do you have certain graveyards that you kind of infrequent? Just one. Just one really big graveyard. Because I thought all the gravedigging these days was done with a digger. It's not? By the way, I did ask, because you're not with Simon, are you? But you're terrified, aren't you? You can see your eyes going, I've been sitting next to him all night. Am I catching death? Are you with Simon, by the way? You're on your ******* own. Oh yeah, I suppose. You're a gravedigger. You don't have many friends. Dot, dot, dot, left. I'm just going to say it again. So your name is Simon, you're a gravedigger, and you're here on your own. Has anyone else got a problem with this? Because for me, I do feel like I'm in a fairy tale, or something Neil Gaiman's going to come out of the side thing, and the Sandman's going to take me somewhere. What's the career progression in gravedigging? Do you get to dig the graves of more and more famous people? Is there a person that digs President's graves, for example? No, no, it's temporary. It's temporary. Oh, it's something you're going through. So you're doing gravedigging until you graduate to digging tunnels, I would say. But what would you like to be doing other than gravedigging? Have you? Have I heard of the dusty knuckle? That's the last sentence loads of people have heard. Well, I challenge you tomorrow to sidle up to a stranger and make eye contact again. I have to say that I haven't heard of it. No one in this room ever wants to hear about the dusty knuckle. OK, now we've got another mystery. So, before I bring in the final act fantastic guest I don't want to leave a thing hanging. So, Carlos, could you do me the favour of turning to Simon and asking him the question. I'll do a re-run and I'll give you the mic. Because let's hear you in sonorous tones. Do you know the question? Something like nasty ankle? Translation error is causing problems. So, the question that Carlos has here have you got like a nasty ankle? A rusty ankle? What was it? A nasty ankle. Have you got a nasty ankle? Hey guys, have you heard about the nasty ankle? What are you doing? So, what was it? It was the dusty knuckle. So, could you ask Simon to tell you about the dusty knuckle? Do you know the nasty knuckle? Ok, he didn't mean to do that. It's just the nasty knuckle. Fuck it. You know what? I've got a tattoo. And the next time you come here I'm going to have a tattoo on my arm that says the nasty knuckle. Guys, you know if you didn't take drugs before this gig you kind of wished that you had. That was great but you know you need therapy.