Graham Kay (Stupid Jokes) - FULL SPECIAL

Good to be here. Really good to be here. Thanks for showing up. I'll tell you about myself off the top. I'm originally from Canada. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah. Yeah. I did it. I did it. I'm originally from Canada and now I live in America. I just got my green card. And I moved there not to pursue my dream of comedy. No. I moved there for freedom. And it's going pretty good. I've had health care my whole life and I do not have it anymore. So just never felt more free. Just free from the shackles of security. And that's good. Every day is scary. And I only bring all that up to let you guys know that I'm an immigrant. I'm an immigrant. Okay. I'm an immigrant now. I'm an immigrant. Okay. And I only say that to let any visible minorities in the audience know that, you know, same-sies. Same exact issues, I assume. It is hard for us and we will overcome them. We will get them. And so it's pretty good. But now that I live abroad, I'm abroad most of the time. But now that I'm a migrant worker, I get to call home. And calling home is extra fun, especially if your parents are still together like my parents. Because what that means is you get to talk to your mother on the phone and just listen to your dad breathe in the background. Just... Every ten minutes he just goes, Christ! And you're like, oh, there he is. Good, good. I thought you were gone. Nice of you to check in, Dad. He's a good guy. He's a good dad. I'm lucky he's my dad. He's just old school. He's 70, which means he doesn't have any feelings. He wasn't taught about them in the 1920s. He can't say I love you. He's never said I love you to any of his children, which is fine. Never bothered me growing up. I mean, it probably explains why I'm standing here right now a bit. Just a smidge, probably. But it never honestly bothered me growing up. I thought it was like a special mom thing to say, that only mothers said I love you. I didn't know dads could say it until one day I went to an Italian friend's house to play and everyone was just making out. I was like, you've got a really handsy dad, Giuseppe. I can't remember his name, but I assume it was Giuseppe. Aren't they all on the inside? Anyway, at the end of the phone call, now that I'm an adult, I think it's hilarious that my dad has no feelings. So I like to mess with him. So my mom will be like, well, I love you, honey. I'm like, I love you too, Mom. And one more thing, I love you too, Dad. God, I love you. And then what he'll say to me is, well, terrific, bye-bye, now. He has like a full aneurysm that hangs up the phone. I love that my dad, somewhere in my dad's head, he's like, well, I can't tell my son that I love him because that would make me gay. It's too late to switch. I love that he's like, well, I don't want my son, somewhere in his head, he's like, well, I don't want my son to think that I'm trying to **** him. So, nope, I'll just hang up the phone and finish staining the porch. There's no time to love my son. I have to winterize the deck. He's a good dad. He's a good dad, but I don't really think he's homophobic or something. He's just old school, you know, or he's just weakness or feelings make him feel weak or something. Real homophobia is when you think being gay is a choice, right? You never hate somebody for the way that they're born. That'd be insane. You don't like them because you think that they chose to be gay, which is funny to me because if you think being gay is just a choice, that means you think you could have chosen to be gay, only you didn't, which means you're gay. If in your head you're only one decision away, it's a big choice is all I'm saying. You know, we're not switching to almond milk. I said earlier my parents are still together, and I don't want you to feel bad. I don't want you to feel bad if you come from a broken home. If your home was broken in half, I don't want you to feel bad if you come from half a family. I don't want you to feel bad if you come from a fake family. Okay, I'm on your side. I don't want you to feel bad if you come from half the love I came from, okay? Because honestly, honestly you're lucky. You're lucky because parents should not stay together. Parents should not stay together. My parents have been married for 41 years. It turns out you cannot love someone for 41 years. If you don't believe me, I will bring you to my parents' home. I'm pretty sure my parents are still together just because my dad doesn't want to have to call Rogers. He's like, I don't have to spend four hours on the phone with those pricks. I'll just live with this woman until I'm dead. Can't be that long now. It's very mutual. They both don't love each other. Man or woman or whoever, as soon as your kids turn 30, you should be allowed to walk up to your spouse and be like, well, we did it. Terrific. And then just turn around and walk straight into traffic. Time for sleep. Just get mowed down by a bus. Sweet rest and endless darkness. If you do want to be married 41 years, I'll tell you my parents' secret right now. It's wine. Every night between 6 p.m. and 8 p.m., you're going to want to get real fucked up on wine. That seems to be the window, 6 to 8. Food is just a garnish for wine time. I'll go home and visit my parents, and after a couple glasses of wine, I'll catch my mom sometimes just staring at the side of my dad's head. Just like... Just mumbling his name. David. David. But he's like half deaf now, so he just stares forward, and he's just like... You know, the rotisserie chicken from Costco is excellent. Dads love the rotisserie chicken from Costco. Don't ask your dad about his feelings. He doesn't have any. But if you ask your dad about the rotisserie chicken from Costco, he will write you a sonnet. $8. Excellent value. Succulent. Skin perfectly seasoned. You could make hot sandwiches for days in the microwave. But, Dad, how are you doing? Like, how are you doing emotionally? Hot sandwiches! For days! Like, all right, man. All right. But, you know, if you are in a long-term relationship, they are hard, so good for you. I get that. And I actually have some big personal news on that front, if you don't mind me sharing with you. I recently just moved in with my girlfriend. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. And she more recently moved out. Yeah. And that's how you get your own apartment, fellas. A little life hack. I'm here to tell you about a life hack I learned, how to get your very own apartment you can't afford in New York. So, it's pretty sweet. And I could not afford the apartment myself, so what I had to do until the lease was up is I had to Airbnb out the bedroom, and then I slept in the living room in a sleeping bag like a man. You know? And Airbnb, isn't it like, it's an amazing app. Isn't it like an amazing app, right? Right? Because who wouldn't want to go on vacation and stay with a sad guy? You know? Fly all the way from Europe to live with a broken man for a few days. Isn't that fun? And here's the thing. I'm a germaphobe. Like, I should not have been okay with this scenario. Like, before my breakup, if you're like, hey, Graham, how much would you charge for complete strangers to come into your home and then have sex on your mattress? Like, how much have sex where your head goes for eight hours? How much would you charge where you breathe in for eight hours? How much would you charge for that? I'd be like, ooh, that's disgusting. Like, a million dollars. And then after my breakup, I was like, $42. $40. $39. Please, **** on it. So, what I would do when I would wake up in my own bed, I knew I was going to have a guest that night. They're my guests. What I would do, it's true, is I would flip the mattress to the **** side. I would do that. I would. And then when it was back to my turn, I'd flip back to the cry side. That's my side. So, **** side, cry side, **** side, cry side, **** side, cry side, depending on the day. I felt the salt from the tears would meet the jazz in the middle and create a full ball. You know, salt cancels jazz. And, you know, it's just science. It's a TED talk, really. So, that's good. And it's fun to call it jazz, by the way. Give it a whirl. Here's the thing about Airbnb. The B&B part is very misleading. It stands for bed and breakfast. I was not running any semblance of a bed and breakfast. A bed and breakfast should have more than just mustard in the morning. A real bed and breakfast, if you don't know, is when you wake up in, like, a beautiful country home, and then you walk downstairs, and some lovely woman in her 70s has made you, like, a full breakfast. And she's like, how was your rest? Are you rested? Check the old mill on the way to town. It's historic. You're like, thanks, old lady. It is not when you wake up, leave your room, look in the living room and see a man in his 30s just staring back at you in a sleeping bag, trying to pretend he didn't just hear you have sex on his mattress. If you want some mustard, you gotta eat it over the sink. She took the dishes! I don't know why she took the dishes. They're Ikea. Who cares? If I had to really narrow it down, like, figure out, like, put my head on it, like, why it didn't work out, I think one of the major reasons, because when I moved in, I inherited her two cats. And I always grew up with dogs. Like, I always preferred dogs over cats. You know, just because I like it when your pets love you back. I don't understand why you want to pay for something to ignore you around your own house. It's like hiring a little furry 14-year-old to be a dick to you. I've told that joke before. Cat people do not like that joke. Sometimes they'll stand up in my show and be like, hey, **** you, buddy! How dare you talk about Mitzi that way, you son of a bitch! Who'd want to own a dog anyway? They're so high maintenance. That's what cat people always say about, oh, they're so high maintenance dogs. I mean, oh, but you got to wake up every morning. Every morning, you got to wake up. Then you got to take the dog outside, let it poop outside your home. Not me, I'm a cat owner. I want to keep the shit in my home. I'd like to store it for days in a sandbox. I'll keep the piss as well, I want it all. Keep it in the same home that I breathe in. Yum, yum, yum. Want to live in it with an indoor outhouse. And once a week I get to feel like an old-timey gold prospector. I'm alone, she's gone. Okay, okay. Almost done the water, what's going to happen? Here's the thing, dogs love you back. They get it. Food, shelter, snuggles. Every dog is pumped about this arrangement. Every dog is like, thank you! Oh my God, thank you so much! I tell you what I'm going to do for you, is no matter who comes to that front door, well, I'm going to ******* yell at them. I know it's what you always wanted, for every visit to be an unnecessary, stressful occurrence. It's like, thank you, you loyal moron. I appreciate it. I'll go home, visit my parents. My parents' dog has not seen me in months. He'll come running down the stairs like, you're back, oh my God! The guy who fed me once, yeah! He'll jump on me, try to kiss me. He's got a full erection, he's got no balls. That's love, by the way, fighting through no balls for a fully formed welcome rocket. I can't imagine how hard that would be, fighting through a disability. He's just a modern day Terry Fox. It's just pretty amazing when you think about it. I have trouble after six beers these days. This guy, zero balls. Respect, I think respect is the word we all have in our minds. Cats don't love you back. I give one of my new cats a little snuggle. Give him a little snuggaroo. What's up, buddy? And he gave me this entitled look back like he earned it. I'd be like, hey buddy, how are you doing? He'd look back at me like, you know, you're never going to make it in comedy. You don't even have sex with her properly. I've been watching. He used to sit on the dresser and just stare at us, I swear to God. I'd be a baby, he's looking at us again. He'd be like, ah, it's fine. No, he's not. I'd look over my shoulder and just see him just like. I wouldn't do it like that. Blech, blech, blech, blech, blech, blech. Pick that up when you're done. It's tough to keep a rhythm going with all that racket going on, that's all I'm saying. I'm doing my best down there. There's another problem with these cats. They didn't have cool names. One of them's names was Kitty, whatever. The other one's name is Handsome. And Handsome was a real rascal. I always had to yell at Handsome. And I'll tell you what, Handsome is a weird word to yell when you are home alone. And the retired neighbors in the apartment next door do not know you have cats. They would hear my ex leave in the morning for work and then they would hear me alone, just like, Handsome! Oh, Handsome! You dirty, dirty little boy. Oh, you poked on the carpet again. No, no, no, no, no. They're just listening through the wall like, Susan, we gotta move. I think that narcissist who lives next door, I think he's shitting on his own carpet again. And then he gets reprimanding himself in a mirror afterwards. He's not that handsome. I mean, he is a little, but he's not that handsome. He is a little, though. I think he's balding a bit. I am losing my hair a bit in the back, you know, whatever. And it is what it is. I don't know what God or whoever, he or she, or they, I don't know, was thinking, probably a they, was thinking when they designed my body. I have no idea. It's like, I want Graham to be okay, good looking until he's in his mid-thirties. And then I want hair to slowly start falling out the very top of his head. Yeah. And then I would like new hairs to start growing out of his shoulder blades. Yeah, yeah. I think women are gonna love this. Switchamaroo! And, um, oh, why the shoulder blades? Well, because he's my angel, so. Getting, getting gross. Weird age. I'm at a weird age. Just turned 37. Weird age. You know, it's fine. I'm getting older. Getting older. I'm not old. I mean, I beat Jesus, that's pretty good. Four years better at living than the Son of God was, and that feels good. Be better than the Son of God at living. And if you're religious and you're feeling weird about that, don't worry, it's just math. Just mathematically speaking, I'm better than your Lord and Savior at living. I'm better at living than him, and also he spoke for free. So, it's another win for me. I think, I'm pretty sure you guys all paid to get in here. Just indisputable stuff. Weird age. 37. I'm the last generation to go through puberty without the internet, which means I'm the last generation to try and steal porno magazines from the store. We used to go as a group of kids. I was a tall kid, my job was to steal the dirty magazines from the top because I could reach them, and then we'd put them inside a different clean magazine. And then we'd take it to the cash and be like, Hello! Yes, us three 12-year-olds would like to buy this one Chatelaine magazine, please. Yeah, and we'd be paying in three different groups of quarters, so standard transaction, of course. And then they'd always catch us, because we weren't idiots, and then we'd run away and just be like, and then be back the next day buying candy. Just a very weird age. 12-year-old boys are just very weird. Just 50-50 concern. Pussy and candy. I miss those days, you know? It's like, oh, I can't get some pussy, I'll just get some Sour Patch Kids, you know? I'm lonely. No, I'm not. Okay. I wanted to see what a naked lady looked like so badly. I was like, what? My buddies and I were like, what? It must be amazing. So this is like the smartest thing I've ever done to this day, is I made my own naked lady pornography. This is true. Yeah. What I did is I bought some tracing paper. Yeah. Now, if you are under the age of 25 and you don't know what tracing paper is, before the age of computers, when we wanted to make a copy of something, this is true. We'd have to buy a very thin sheet of paper. And then we'd place it over the item we wanted a copy of, and then we would trace around it, and then we would have something that looked completely different. But in pencil, so it was very helpful. So I ran home with the tracing paper, locked my bedroom door, found the largest drawing of Mary Jane, Spider-Man's girlfriend, that I could find in my comic books, and then I traced around her beautiful body. And then I did not trace in any of her clothes. Yeah. And then I filled in the middle, the private parts, out of sheer rumor and hearsay. Whatever I had cobbled together through my travels, you know. I drew nipples all over the goddamn place. I was like, is this big enough? Are these enough? Am I gay? And then I drew in a vagina, I remember, way too wide and too high. Higher than you'd want. Yeah. Which is not a complaint you hear very often about vaginas, you know. Good gal. Liked her a lot. Vagina was too high. We weren't compatible. Her vagina went up to my sternum! So. Don't have any kids. I'd like to have kids, but I think it's too late, you know. I'm running out of time. It's too late. Here's the thing. I'm already too tired. I'm already exhausted. I'm exhausted right now. I am exhausted right now. And I'll tell you what. I have not had a long day. I woke up, I had breakfast, and I came here. And I'm just exhausted from all my tasks. I'd like to have kids for my parents. They're good people. They deserve grandchildren. Only, it's just, my only sibling has severe autism, and I'm a comedian. So. I guess the family line ends here. It's crazy to think that my genetic code goes all the way back to caveman times. We survived ice ages, famines, wars. Hitler, Hitler tried to kill my grandfather. He put him in, the Nazis put him in jail. Then my grandma found out which jail, and then bribed the local Prague police with God knows what. They went underground and blew up telephone poles and part of the resistance. They fled to the south of France, and my mother was born there. And they sold a Picasso ceramic bowl for a boat ride to Montreal. And then they were janitors. They were janitors in North America when they were lawyers back in the old country. And then they put my mother through college, and it all ends here tonight. So, I hope it was worth it, Grandpa. Thank you. Thanks, buddy. Yeah. But anyway, doing okay, getting older. The thing is, it didn't work out. My ex didn't work out. Another reason, besides the cats, I think it didn't work out is because we were long distance. That was probably the major reason, you know. And a lot of people were like, oh, it's not that big a deal, long distance relationships these days, because of things like technology. You know, things like Skype, FaceTime. It's amazing technology, you know, because for free, you can actually see your girlfriend, you know, slowly falling out of love with you. So, it's pretty amazing. What amazing technology. Really tracked those wandering eyes over a few months. And that's nice, you know. So... And she also was, like, trying to keep things spicy. Doing things I wasn't comfortable with, but I did them, because, you know, she was like, hey, send me a dick pic. And I'd never sent a dick pic before. And I'll tell you what, gentlemen, one of the added benefits of sending a lot of dick pics is, turns out, you get very good at some tricky perspective photography. Very good at trying to trick a woman who's seen your penis hundreds of times into thinking it's eight stories tall. I think the thing I like most about sending dick pics is the idea that an image of my penis gets to fly through space. You know, because I'll never make it. He deserves to go. You know. It's like, God, speed! Do you guys know that NASA, they sent Beatles music and math into space in the 70s, in, like, the hopes that, like, one day in advanced society, like, aliens would see it? I just love the idea, the very distinct possibility that one day aliens are going to see the Pythagorean theorem and be like, ooh, that's some good math. I like that. Good for them. Then they're going to hear Hey Jude and be like, ooh, nice harmonies. That's very nice. Yeah. And then, like, five space minutes later, they're just going to get hit in the face with a million dicks. Just like, pffft. What happened to their society? That planet is armed. And then we're saved. You see? So it's all going to work out. I'm okay. Doing all right, though. I'm a little tired. I don't know if you guys can tell. I'm a little tired. I flew in from L.A. before I got here. And it's just someone, I never, I took the red eye flight. Someone told me to take the red eye. I'd never done it before. You're shaking your head. It was crazy. Someone's like, take the red eye. I'm like, why? They're like, it's great. It's amazing. You just, boom, you just have a little sleep. And then, boom, you wake up. You're there. It's like time traveling. Just, boom, you wake up. You just have a beautiful restorative rest on a tube of farts in the sky. And then you wake up refreshed at your destination. So it's a great idea. I was like, all right. No, that is not what happens. What happens is you get on the plane at midnight and you are exhausted because you have been alive all day. All you want to do is lie down. You're like, I'd like to lie down. Where do I lie down? I'd like to lie down. My body wants me to lie down. Where do I lie down? And then you show them your ticket and they go, you do not get to lie down. You have to walk way that way and sit up. You have to sit up in a chair for six hours. You have to sit up in a chair that goes back this much. Goes from here to here. Just enough to justify the button and by the way, you better have that seat back up when we land because it is connected to the wheels, I guess. So, uh, **** you. It goes back two inches. Can I just be happy? No. You're like, this trusty neck pillow will save me. That's when you bust out the neck pillow and that's when you realize neck pillows do not work if you have a neck. You very quickly realize you've just purchased a beanbag scarf. You're like, I don't understand why this pillow doesn't work. I just bought it an hour ago from a magazine store. They sell sun chips there. It should work. So you don't sleep. You just stare forward for six hours. Ah! Fuck! You're like, maybe I'm hot. So you twist that little nipple on the ceiling. The thing that shoots just one needle of air. Just enough air to give you one dry eye. You're like, ah! You know that thing that sucks up everyone else's coughs and then shoots it at you? Ah! I think they're serving fish up there. Must be nice. You know, I'm 6'4", so I love to fly, you know? Get me at it. Maybe you're short. Maybe you're short and you can't sleep. But even then, it's not a regular sleep. It's one of those weird, plain half-sleeps. You know when your eyes are closed and you're just like, Am I asleep? What is this? My eyes have been closed for three hours. And then you wake up, and you have the flu. You got a, boom! You got a full extra day at your destination to find a hospital. But doing better. Doing better in my career, which is good. You know, I don't have to shop at the dollar store for everything. That's good. I used to shop, buy everything at the dollar store. By the way, we should not shop there. They sell a bunch of weird stuff they have no business selling. They sell condoms. I saw a pack of condoms at the dollar store. Pack of condoms! One dollar. Yeah. Who is like, This is where I'm going to save money. Yeah. I'm going to cut some corners on the old bunch. By the way, condoms still say lubricated. I'm noticing this because I'm newly single. It still says lubricated, and I think we get it. You know, it's been a long time. To me, that's like a no smoking sign on an airplane. It's been like 40 years. Like, who is like, What? Well, since when? Just ashing on a baby's head. I was at the drugstore. Who's at the drugstore? It says Trojan lubricated. Who's like, Whoa! Lubricated! That's great. Wow. I've been using that chalky one this whole time. Oh, I love the chalk. It really soaks up the foreplay. Nice and dry. Just the way she likes it. Hot sex. Start a fire in the woods hot. Women like friction. Also, I saw a pregnancy test at a dollar store. One dollar pregnancy test. Let me help you out. If you are going to the dollar store specifically to purchase a pregnancy test, you're pregnant. I just saved you a dollar. Sounds like you're going to need it. Squirrel that away for a community college fund of some sort. I'm doing better, though. It's good. I bought my first ever tailored suit. I could never afford a tailored suit before. I used to only be able to afford suits from a store called H&M. If you don't know what that is, that's the kind of clothing where a gust of wind catches a loose thread and then you're naked. Then I'm arrested again. I'm not allowed to be arrested anymore. I bought a tailored suit and I did not know this, but if you were a man, the tailor will ask you, Which way do you lie? When he's doing the measurements for the pants. He'll go, Which way do you lie? Now, I did not know what he was asking me, but apparently he was asking me which way my dick hangs. To the right or to the left. Now, even if I did know what he was asking me, I don't know the answer by heart. Is that something I'm supposed to keep tabs on, gentlemen? Every morning before I leave the house, I'm just like, Left! Hard left today! I'm ready for all the questions. Safe to leave home. And if you're wondering why he's asking that, it's so he can leave some extra room on that side. Give it some extra room, I guess, to roam around. I don't know. Which, guys, I hate to admit, never been an issue. It's always fit in there snug as a bug in a rug. It's just been a good amount of room, no matter the pants. Everyone, stop staring at my crotch, please. It's 2019. This is my workplace, okay? You're harassing me in my workplace. Thank you. Thank you. Good lord. In my own defense, by the way, who are these guys that are going pant shopping, that are holding up pants in the store, and they're like, I hope my ******* cock can fit in here. I'm tired of blowing out the front left, you see, so I can't wear Levi's anymore. I keep having to patch them up. I'm tired of having to shoehorn my massive ******* hammer in my pants every morning. That's how I imagined you would talk if your dick was too big for pants. You'd be a very self-assured individual, you know? Cock sure, one might say. Thank you, two smart people. I appreciate that. One guy up there, one guy back there. But anyway, this guy, Taylor's like, hey, which way do you lie? Which way do you lie? Which way do you lie? Now, I did not know what he was asking me. I thought he was asking something else more personal about me. He's like, which way do you lie? I was like, I'm straight. He was like, straight? He's like, that's weird. I'm like, I don't think it is. What neighborhood is this? And then I got the pants back. A couple days later, there's a big empty floppy windsock in the middle. I was like, what the hell is this? Gotta put loose change in there to hold it down on windy days. But it's a good job, you know? I had a lot of crappy jobs before this. Used to get fired from all those jobs. Pretty much every job I had before this. One job I got fired from is I used to be a house painter. I used to paint the outside of people's homes. How I got fired from that job is, long story short, I painted the wrong house. A hundred percent true story. Yeah. I guess we got the address wrong. And whoever lived in that home left for work early in the morning. You know, stupidly assuming no one's gonna paint their home. It's their fault, really. And then we pulled in the driveway, like one second later and committed a crime for eight hours. In the sun. And then our boss finally found us. Like, way too late. Way too late. Oh boy. And he was like, You idiots painted the wrong house! And this is how we solved the problem, now pay close attention. We packed everything up and drove away. As fast as we could, so. Just criminal masterminds, really. And then we were fired immediately afterwards, of course. We're morons. So what that means is one of the biggest mysteries of my life is what the **** happened to that family when they got home from work and their house was a different color and nobody had any answers. When they left, they had a white house. When they got back, they had a brown house. Brown! Sometimes people ask, What shade, though? What shade of brown? That matters. I'm like, I don't know. I like to describe it as a noticeable brown. The kind of brown you're going to notice. Your house is a completely different color and wet. Now I don't know what this couple said to each other when they got home. But I'm pretty sure, I'm pretty sure they didn't say a word. Because how do you ask your spouse if your house was always brown? My name's Graham Kay. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Thank you.