Simon Brodkin: Screwed Up | Full Comedy Special

I think it still sounds weird singing God Save the King. And the Queen died over two years ago, didn't she? She passed away in Scotland. And I'm not blaming the Scots, but we sent up a perfectly healthy 96 for a woman. You know what? You know what I thought was really weird after the Queen died, the way all the companies tried to cash in on it? I go onto the Sainsbury's website just after the Queen died. Everyone at Sainsbury's is deeply saddened by the passing of Queen Elizabeth II. Now, two for one on rice puddings. I drove past this logistics lorry on the motorway, had a big picture of the Queen on the back of the lorry, said, thank you for your service, ma'am, like she was one of their drivers. Companies that had nothing to do with the Queen. Ann Summers. I don't remember. Jenny Bond stood outside Balmoral. The Queen, relaxing inside in crotchless panties. I go onto the Ann Summers website. Must have been a month after the Queen died. The whole website's turned black. They still had a statement taking up most of the screen. For ****'s sake, I'm trying to knock one out. John Lewis. Wow. John Lewis were grief matching. If you see a sadder statement from any other company, we will match their sadness. Now we have King Charles, don't we? Always looks very smart, doesn't he? With his medals. He has a lot of medals, doesn't he? I often wonder, what he got them for? Didn't they get fought in the war, Charles, old boy? This one I was awarded for shooting down an enemy pheasant. This one I opened a library in the rain. And these are chocolate. Queen had an amazing life, didn't she? She hung out with Winston Churchill, with Nelson Mandela. Then her last royal engagement was meeting Liz Truss. She probably just thought, oh, **** it. I'm just going to go upstairs and die, I think. You know, she met Vladimir Putin. Wow, he's a dick, isn't he? Remember before the war started, he promised the whole thing would be finished in one week. Over two years later, he's achieved nothing, hasn't he? It's just a big mess. He reminds me of the guy who did my kitchen. At least we now know the Russian army are a little bit shit. I was worried about it. I'm not going to lie, now I see an action. One of their units ran out of petrol, did you see that? Another one didn't bring enough food, they had to turn back. They are a shambles, aren't they? I know they've got nuclear weapons. I bet they've lost the codes. Mr Putin, sir, it says you have one more guess. We're locked out for an hour, ****. I'm worried Russia invading Ukraine is giving the Scots some ideas. And then they're looking at England thinking, do you know what? We can ******* take them. And I think they probably could. Especially the South. How long do you think it would take the Scots to conquer Cambridge? Guys, stop it, please. Get off the grass. Now luckily, our hardest people live closest to the border, yeah? Why do you think we put Newcastle up there? Slow the Scots down, give us a chance to pack. Grab the peloton, darling, they've reached Milton Keynes. You know what? Some Southerners are hard, to be fair. If Russia was to try and attack the UK, I want Millwall away fans guarding our borders. Yeah, I want them lined up on the cliffs of Dover. The white cliffs, they'd love that. Shirts off, arms out, shouting at the Russian navy. Oh, ******* hell, I am Putin. He's a wanker, he's a wanker. Come on then, let's have some. Shot me, have you? Churchill would be proud. We will fight them in the fields. We will fight them in the streets. We will never surrender. Exactly what a coked up Millwall fan would say. I think the more you have, the less that you want to fight. Take the Scots, poorest community in the UK. Haven't checked, but that sounds right. Who are some of the best soldiers in the British army? Scottish ones because they've got nothing to live for. During war, their life expectancy goes up. Taking the mick out of the Scots a lot. I need to say at this moment, I owe my life to the Scottish people. My grandma, Jewish lady, she escaped from Germany in 1939 and she found refuge in Scotland. And I'm not saying Glasgow is a bad place to live. But nine years later, she moved back to Germany. So I'm from a family of immigrants, you see. So mum's family kicked out of Germany by Nazis. Dad's family kicked out of Russia by pogroms. Wife's family kicked out of Wales by community support officers. My grandma was a tough lady. I remember I just turned six and she took me to one side. She said, Simon, be careful. People will always hate the Jews. And I remember thinking so clearly, why can't you just say happy birthday? Maybe she's right. It started off back in the day with the lie that the Jews killed Jesus. The guy was Jewish himself. One of the songs we still sing in synagogue to this very day. He's one of our own. Jesus of Nazareth, he's one of our own. Amen. Along with some other bangers. Rabbi Shlomo's Bagel Army. He's here, he's here, he's everywhere. God. President Zelensky's Jewish. He used to be a comedian and now he's leading his country in a war against one of the most powerful militaries in the world. Sounds like someone couldn't handle the comedy circuit. What's that? You could be prime minister. I could be prime minister. Comedian. Thank you very much. Thank you. I love my mum. Working. I think President Zelensky is a great leader. I think he's brave, charismatic, he's funny, he's handsome. I'd **** him. Not at the moment obviously because he's so busy and I'd slow him down and feel guilty. I could nosh him off while he's addressing the UN. That is why I appeal to all nations to please give Ukraine more long-range weapons. Fuck no! Oh I'm good. I love that Zelensky was a comedian and his stuff still up on YouTube. I was watching a couple of clips the other day. He comes on stage, goes behind a grand piano, pulls his trousers down, pretends to play the piano with his dick. I think a career move was probably the right thing for him. A man playing the piano with his dick. I think we are a little more woke now, right? I mean we have women playing the piano with their dicks. He still posts on YouTube, Zelensky. He doesn't do comedy anymore. He does a weekly war address to the nation. It's not very funny. He should get the piano out. Good evening, this is your president with a war update. We have made good progress in the south. I once played the piano with my dick. It was the most awkward thing I've done in my life. King's cross station. I was brought up in a very poverty-stricken part of North London called Hamster Garden suburb. The craziest story for my entire upbringing was when I was 11 and I was walking down the main high street. These three black guys walked past me. That's a true story. I used to be a doctor, which yeah, yeah. Yeah, thank you, man. Well, I may be a joker now, but I used to be a highly incompetent doctor. I could never take it seriously, never. I remember I was working in A&E. This guy had fallen into a canal, nearly drowned. I said we should put him in a bowl of rice. Funny, right? Nothing from the relatives. I don't even remember my basic training anymore. If you were to collapse right now, madam, couldn't even locate your clitoris. Do we have NHS workers here this evening? Well, I'm slightly timid. Woo, what do you get up to, madam? I'm a GP. You're a GP? Wow, thank you for seeing me at such short notice. My GP is so hard to get hold of. If I got an appointment with him, I'd be starstruck. Oh, my God, I've been wanting to see you for years. Please sign my prescription. You know, I tell you what, the NHS staff, they cannot be getting paid enough because they were all on strike, weren't they? We had the nurses, they were on strike, the junior doctors, paramedics. Not sure if GPs went on strike. It's difficult to tell. Do you know what? I think we've got to tax certain people a little bit more. I really do. Here's what I'd do. I'd say, if you've got a car with a personalised number plate, you should have to give everything you earn to the government. Yeah, you clearly can't be trusted with your own money, can you? Spending hundreds of pounds to let everyone know you're a bit of a dick. As if the white Audi didn't give it away. Some people get paid silly amounts of money. Silly... In fact, I was talking to someone the other night. They were too embarrassed to even admit that they were an investment banker. So they said they traffic children. I was watching the Formula One Grand Prix the other day because I couldn't find the remote. Spotted the most overpaid bloke in the world. You know when the cars come in for a pit stop, right? And 25 pit crew, they rush around the car. They change all four tyres in less than three seconds, which makes you realise just how shit they are at quick fit. I spot one guy in every pit crew. He doesn't change the tyres at all. He's called the jack guy. He just lifts the car up and down with a jack. That's what he does for a living. Cars come in for a pit stop and the car stops millimetres in front of the jack guy. This is what he has to do for a living. The cars only come in three times a race and every time they stop, they stop for a maximum of three seconds. So a hard day's work for the jack guy, nine seconds. There's only 23 races every year. This guy is putting in an annual shift of three and a half minutes. Gets 150 grand. An ambulance driver gets 25 grand and that's such an important job. Admittedly, not the hardest job. Giving people a lift to hospital. Most of the time they're dead. No, it's not like the pressure of being an Uber driver at the end, they rate you. I had to call an ambulance the other day. We were meant to go out for a little family dinner. Restaurant booked, we're all about to leave the house when my daughter announces that she doesn't want to come anymore. So we had to abandon the whole thing. My daughter's 12, super intelligent but does this sort of thing all the time and it's designed to wind us up. We haven't had her tested for it but we're pretty confident that she's a bit of a cunt. My wife thinks she got it from me. I got so annoyed, I kicked the front door. My God, screaming in pain, there's blood pouring out my foot. Absolute agony. So my wife calls an ambulance. They told her it was going to be a two hour wait. So she orders an Uber instead. It comes in less than five minutes. The driver was this doctor from Afghanistan. He saw me straight away. Bandaged me up, stopped the bleeding. Still giving four stars, his English was a bit shit. Do you know those bellends who drive those souped up little voxel courses, 90 miles an hour? Let's get them driving ambulances slash waiting times. Yes, nearest ambulance due is over 30 miles away, sir. But the good news is Wayne's driving. He should be with you any minute now. Yes, that's his drum and bass you can hear. Get in the back, bruv. Would you like some ketamine for the pain? Me and my wife, we have two kids. Love them to bits. Could not cope with a third. Before we have sex, my wife snorts a line of crushed up morning after pills. I saw them boots the other day. They're selling half price morning after pills. Who is buying a morning after pill? Because they're on offer. We've missed the sales, babe. Let's just keep the kid. You can get him from your GP for free, can't you? But how long does it take to see your GP? We got your first available appointment. Our son is now four. Yes, we would still like to get rid of him. So my kids are nagging us to get a dog. I'm not going to get a dog because I don't want to be a dog owner. And I know we will have dog owners here this evening. I don't want to be like you. Dog owners are deluded, right? Dog owners. They think they've got this magical bond with their animal just because it comes back to them after they've called their name 30 times. Bonnie. Who's a clever girl? My son hates reading. Reading's boring, is what I tell him. I want to read. I try. I can never take in the words. I think I'm dyslexic, but I'm scared to get tested in case I'm not. I could never concentrate at school. I used to get kicked out of class all the time. I got suspended from school. I got caught smoking weed. 14 years of age. Me think me be a ganja man. Ganja man. Skin up some fat reefer. Ganja man go house party. Ganja man spark up take huge talk like he be Bob Marley. Ganja man pull a whitey and think he gonna die. Ganja man be rushed to high on hee. Ganja man crying like a little baby. Ganja man given mug of hot chocolate by staff nurse. Ganja man grounded for three week. At home he become masturbation man. Nearly end up in hospital again. But his new friend Henry the Hoover. Have you heard the police are saying they're gonna go on strike next? Yeah. Women will finally feel safe. Mixed, mixed response there. Listen, the police. Police are a bit rubbish, aren't they? They keep asking us for help. Have you any information on this murder? Didn't even know it happened. Can ask around but I've had no training whatsoever. How many murders have the police actually solved? Yeah, not including the ones they've done. They do the odd one. It's just to improve their stats, I think. Detectives, listen up please, lads. Three murders this year and he leads. Oh yes, Sarge. I'm pretty sure that one was me. We've only bloody solved one. Not so keen on laughing at the police, I can sense. Happily let me call my daughter a cunt. You know the police say they solve 4% of burglaries. And I think they've rounded up from none. Have you ever tried reporting a burglary to the police? They say, oh, you're never gonna get your stuff back, you know. We can give you a crime number, your insurance rate. We just grew up better off going around the neighbour's house and nicking their stuff. Most burglars are smack addicts. How they're not catching these guys. Nothing we can do, sir. The assailant left no DNA evidence behind. Officer, the man shat in my kitchen. And he's still asleep in there now. It's got to the stage with the police. If they solve a crime, we're surprised. Yeah, let's say if your bicycle's stolen. You get a phone call from a police officer saying they found your bike. You go, what? And they've arrested the bloke who nicked it. Oh my God. Oh, **** off, Dave. So people are now trying to catch criminals themselves, aren't they? Like these paedophile hunters. Have you heard of paedophile hunters? Yeah, they're not the ones on the horses. That's the fox hunters. Totally different group. Actually, it'd be great if that was how they hunted paedophiles. Groups of posh people on horseback giving packs of dogs the scent of anorak. My family have been hunting paedophiles for generations. It's not cruel. We're simply culling the paedophile population. There's too many of them, you see. Protesters on the roadside. There's not too many paedophiles. There's too many children. Paedophile hunters are real. They're these guys who are trapping paedophiles by pretending to be children. This is online, by the way. They're not going around in school uniform and a big net. Got one! They go online and they set up an account and they pretend to be a kid. And then they start chatting to different people online. And eventually, they chat to a paedophile. They ask to meet up. They turn up. I'm not a 14-year-old boy, you idiot. I'm a paedophile hunter. You're under arrest. Now, the police aren't happy about this at all. The police are saying it's interfering with their investigations. So the police are trying to catch these paedophile hunters by pretending to be paedophiles. The police are going online, setting up accounts, pretending to be paedophiles, chatting to the paedophile hunters who are pretending to be children. They all arrange to meet up. I'm not a 14-year-old boy. I'm a paedophile hunter. You're under arrest. No, I'm not because I am not a paedophile. I'm a police officer. You're under arrest. This is happening all over the UK. If you ever see two blokes arguing near a playground, there's a high chance that's a police officer and a paedophile out there. I think Prince Andrew could be an undercover police officer. Do you know what? How bad do you think crime is in this country? Way worse in America. Because so many of them have got access to guns, you see. I think if it was easy to get hold of a gun in this country, I would get one and shoot a lot of people. People who stand in the middle of busy escalators. My daughter. I could finally get an appointment with my GP. Just kick open that waiting room door. Everybody, listen up! I'm going next! I've woken up with a very sore throat and I've been in a hole since this morning! You know what? GP receptionists wouldn't take any shit, would they? She'd get up from behind the desk with a sawn-off shotgun. Nobody gets a same-day appointment unless it's an emergency. Now you're eligible. You need to phone the surgery tomorrow at 8am. So, Harry and Meghan. Oh, look at that! Look at that! No other couple makes people react like that apart from Adolf and Eva. I watched the Harry and Meghan Netflix documentary. Now, I'll be honest with you, before I watched it, I was not a fan of theirs. But now I've actually heard their side of the story. I ******* hate them! They started off and they're making interesting points about racism and misogyny. Then they start calling each other H and M. And I just thought, oh, do **** off! By the time Harry starts describing this one date with Meghan as the night Let me quote you here. Me and M pulled the pin on a fun grenade. I actually started rooting for Prince Andrew. If you haven't seen the documentary, lucky you. Ginger Royal meets fit American actress. She then discovers that everything is so unfair. He then discovers that racism is actually a bad thing. And then they moan about everything. Harry says, how do you explain to someone who just started dating that they have to curtsy to your own grandmother? And I'm thinking, maybe just tell her that your grandmother is the ******* queen. And you're in the royal family. I don't know how to break this to you, H. But if you weren't in the royal family, M wouldn't be with you. They were complaining that to pay for their own security. They were not happy about that. Yeah, they were very worried about their safety, which I get that aspect of things after six episodes. I wanted to attack them. Something about them. I don't know what it is. I look at them. I genuinely think they are the sort of couple who look at each other when they're having sex. These are sick people. There's one thing I genuinely like about Harry and Meghan. How angry they make Piers Morgan. And the Daily Mail. The Daily Mail hate her, don't they? Hate her. I don't know why they hate that black woman. You know what I've noticed? The more they hate Meghan, the more they love Kate. I like Kate. They love Kate. Kate could do no wrong. Kate could murder a panda cub. Witnesses here clambering over London Zoo enclosure and kicking the shit out of this tiny, fluffy, six-month-old wheelchair-bound panda cub. The next morning, Daily Mail front page. Caring Kate gets panda to heaven. Meghan's a whore. Have you heard that phrase? A country gets the politicians it deserves. What do you think we did? All of them, right? I mean, Keir Starmer. He looks like the sort of bloke who gets stuck talking to a mate's wedding. Oh, shut up, please. Rishi Sunak looked like the sort of bloke who still gets tucked in at night. Night, night, Rish Rish. You done a wee-wee? Good boy, I've checked all the cubs for monsters. It's all in your imagination, okay? Poor people aren't real. Liz Trust. That should not count as prime minister. That was work experience. And we weren't allowed to vote for two of the last three of them. Ain't that mad? Britain's Got Talent is more democratic than Britain. Like, for three years, the only chance any of us had to vote for anyone in government was when Matt Hancock went on I'm a Celebrity. Then he came third on the show. Wow. The public vote, the public forgave him. I mean, what would it take for people not to forgive someone who goes on I'm a Celebrity? Sat there watching next season. Didn't like him at first, but he has brought me over. I'm voting for Putin. Do you know who could do a going on next series of I'm a Celebrity? Philip Schofield. Yeah, Philip Schofield, the people's pedophile. Old Schofield, he had an affair with one of his runners, didn't he? Naughty Schofield. Matt Hancock had an affair with one of his aides. Don't know what an aide is. I mean, I wouldn't mind when they see him up for it. Schofield had an affair with one of his runners. I know what a runner is. A runner is someone who literally, they work on a TV show, and they literally, they run around. Yeah, getting whatever the presenters want all over the place. Quickly, cup of tea for Holly. There you go. Blowjob for Phil. A couple of seasons ago, I got interviewed to go on I'm a Celebrity. I didn't do it, I didn't do it. Thank you for worrying. I didn't, one, I wasn't sure if it was the right thing for me to do. Two, they turned me down. They said not enough people know my name. Well, they've got a little bit of a point. Like once a week, someone will come up to me in the street and be like, mate, massive fan of yours, can I grab a selfie? What's your name again? And I'll say, oh, thank you. It's Simon Brodkin. And then they'll say, no, that's not it. Amazon just put out a drama series about corruption in world football. And they've got actors to recreate my whole set blatter stunt. I did not get the part of me. I went to prison for that. I've got to get a little bit of credit. The funny thing about that stunt, after I threw the money over the set, I'm dragged out the room and I'm held just outside the press conference. Two minutes later, Sep abandons the press conference. And then he stood next to me with like a couple of naughty school kids who've both been sent out of class. One of them for chucking something, the other one for fraud, bribery and money laundering. He turns to me, he says, you should be ashamed of yourself. Fuck, I wanted to slap him, but I was handcuffed to a chair. And I got dragged to this police cell in downtown Zurich. It was gorgeous. The breakfast alone is worth a criminal record. The beds were divine, as I wrote in the visitor's book. They were lovely. One of the guards knocks on my cell the night after the stunt. You might want to know, your little joke is all over the internet. Would you like to come and have a look? Yeah, it'll be five minutes just getting out of the bath. Biggest bastards were the American law enforcement after I stunted Donald Trump. So Trump was opening one of his golf courses in Scotland, right? And he was giving this big speech on the green in front of the press. I dressed up as if I worked on the resort. And then I threw hundreds of golf balls at his feet. And I said, everyone, this is part of the new Donald Trump golf range. And they all had swastikas on them. He didn't find it funny. It was actually the Scottish police that got to me first. Cuffed me, arrested me, chucked me in the back of a van. I sat there, crapping myself for over an hour. And then this big, burly armed officer yanks open the van door, says, you's mate are very ******* funny. Loosens my handcuffs, gives me a sip of his iron brew, then gets me to sign one of the golf balls. They were great. Yeah, the Scottish police, they were amazing. They persuaded the Americans not to press charges against me. And then they drove me to Glasgow airport. I got a flight back to London. Or as they told Donald Trump, they deported me. If you want to understand the difference between the US and the UK, to get around Donald Trump's security, I had to get around the CIA, FBI, Secret Service, his own personal bodyguards. I had to do reconnaissance missions, bag swap, fake ID. To get around Theresa May's security at the Tory party conference in Manchester when I gave her the P45, I had to buy a ticket. So normally after a stunt, there's a little bit of press interest, a few photographers camped outside my house. And then a few days later, everyone's moved on and forgotten about it. After Trump's stunt, it was different. Because after Trump's stunt, the Donald Trump supporting grand wizard of the KKK, Mr. David Duke himself outed me as a Jew. Now, to be honest, I already knew. So I was actually okay, KK. There's some mad leaders out there. I was reading this book about Iran. Well, I wasn't reading the book about Iran. I saw a documentary series about Iran. I didn't see the series. I'm going to level with you. I saw one episode. I saw one bit of one episode, all right? It was on mute. It might not have even been Iran. They've got this leader called the Ayatollah. The Ayatollah doesn't let women in Iran show their hair. He doesn't let men suck each other off. Nutter. Why are religious leaders always the meanest? God wants us to have fun. Yeah. God loves fun. God created everything, didn't he? Alton Towers. That was God. Waffles. Bouncy castles. There's this dildo. It's got a dick on both ends. So one woman puts one end in her vagina like this. Fish, right? Another woman at the same time comes around the other end, puts the other end in her vagina like this. Bush. All right. Sorry if this is turning anyone on. And then both women at the same time **** the same dildo. It's like, and the other woman's on the other side at the same time. That's God. He's literally the most fun, isn't he? So what is the Ayatollah's problem? Like, does the Ayatollah think that God has an issue? With women's hair. Does he think if you were to say to God, what is it you hate most? Almighty one. The heavens would open. A booming voice descend. It's women's ******* hair! I hate it! It blocks up plugs! Gets in your cereal! I cannot stand women's hair! Why do you think I killed my son? Because of his darling ******* barnet! The other day I got home from the gym. I go to the gym every morning and I said to my wife this weekend, we're going away. Just the two of us. I've sorted the whole thing out. She said, what's the plan with the kids? I said, oh, ****! I forgot that we had kids. Not for the first time. I'll be honest with you, it happens, happens quite a lot. There's a decent chance I'm meant to be with them now. She said to me, I think you should see a doctor. I said, what are you talking about? See a doctor? There's nothing wrong with me. Like, I'm a little screwed up. I've known that my whole life, but there's nothing wrong with me. She said, you forget things all the time and you cannot concentrate on anything. You are super disorganized. You struggle to sleep. You can't relax. You struggle to start tasks. You struggle to finish tasks. I'll be honest with you, you are not great in the middle of tasks. So I said, well, you have got shit hair. She persuaded me to go and see a doctor. The doctor tells me that I've got ADHD. So it turns out my brain's been wired up different my whole life. So brains are like an orchestra. You've got different parts working on different things at the same time towards one common goal. But in the ADHD brain, the conductor is pissed. That's why I could never concentrate at school. That's why I kept killing patients. Not only that, I don't have enough dopamine in my brain. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that deals with brain's pleasure center. I've got a broken bloody pleasure center. So for me to just feel normal every morning, I need to go to the gym. I don't want to look this good. And every night, I need to get a group of strangers to love me. That's this, by the way, I'm not in car parks. A broken pleasure center leads to reckless, dangerous behavior. This is a scientific fact. Unfortunately, it's not yet recognized by the police. Yes, officer, I have just snorted a couple of lines off the bonnet of your van because I have a broken pleasure center. Officer, I have the right to remain silent. Good luck with that, mate. Prepare yourself for the longest car journey of your life. You know, I used to feel bad for taking drugs. Morally, ethically, but now I know it wasn't my fault. I have ADHD. Nothing is my fault. I once found myself an underground transvestite sex party. Nothing says broken pleasure center like being tugged off by a man called Annabelle. But no one takes ADHD seriously. My friends don't. My mate texted me the other night. You really pissed me off tonight. You turned up late. They didn't stop talking. I can't help that. You wouldn't tell someone with no legs. Your lack of movement's getting on my tits. I blame the name. I think ADHD, meaningless, rubbish. They need to change the name, make it sound like what it actually feels like to have. Mrs. Brodkin, we have the results back from your husband. It's worse than we thought. It's clusterfuck mind disease. Is there anything we can do for your husband? Of course there is. Imagine your husband has the brain of a baby chimpanzee that gets vigorously shaken and then dipped in shit and placed inside your husband's skull. Now with the right treatment and plenty of patience, we can get him to that level. My wife's a better person than me in every way. I think if I really loved her, I would set her up with someone else. I mean, this is a lady who volunteers at a soup kitchen for the homeless and she never even told me about it. What is the point in volunteering unless everybody knows you volunteer? I only found out when I went in for some soup. She should be with some human rights lawyer who'd say things to her like, how are you? And then listen to her answers and never fart and say, can you smell that? I bet you can. Come closer, it's a cracker. He'd never wee on the toilet floor and blame his son. He'd climb into bed with her every night and spoon her so she feels warm and safe and loved. Not just to feel her tits. And he'd never poke her in the back with his dick shouting contender ready, gladiator ready. I watched a bit of porn with my wife the other day. Yeah. Well, I was watching and she walked in. I actually don't think porn is very good for your mind, in all honesty. Like a lot of it is disgusting, especially the stuff I'm into. And it's not realistic, is it? You're with your son, my friend. How old's your boy? He's 17. So he'll be wanking like a train. So listen, I need to talk to you. He's probably ******* knocked one out in the interval. This kid's a ******* animal. Well done for getting him out the house tonight. I'm coming. I know you are. It's not realistic, porn. I read 10% of women can't even have an orgasm. I've slept with quite a lot of women. It's actually a much higher percentage than that. It's like 99.9% or something. Crazy. Do you know the female orgasm is actually a scientific mystery, which I find fascinating. So the male orgasm, biologically speaking, we know why men, why we have to have an orgasm, right? It's because there's no one else in the house. The female orgasm, no one knows exactly what the purpose is, how, why it happens. I said to my wife the other day, I said, what does an orgasm even feel like? She describes it as a total body meltdown. She said her mind and her body start rushing, creating wave after wave of pure pulsating, head to toe pleasure. Wow. I get quite a nice feeling in my dick area. And then I want to nap. It's the weekend gone. After my wife climaxes, she loses control of her limbs. Thank God it's that way around, right? Imagine if men experienced what women felt. None of us would be here tonight. This is me. This is my wife. Is everything okay, Melanie? Gentlemen, thank you so much for coming. Thank you. Thank you very, very, very much. I want to come out and I want to say a proper thank you. I promise I don't want to be in Stratford any longer than I need to be. Thank you for coming. This is a special night. This is the last time I'm performing this show after 160-odd dates. So what a ******* great way to end. Thank you. Lovely, lovely, lovely. Thank you for coming. Seriously. Thank you very, very much. You're amazing. Great. Just let's go home now. Before I go, I want to tell you about this group of religious parents who are protesting outside primary school. The schools were teaching the kids about same-sex relations. The parents were worried that it was going to turn their kids gay. I wish my kids were that susceptible to education. I've been trying to teach my kids to flush the toilet for years. Nothing. Some primary school teacher mentions being gay is okay. Then the whole class sign up to Grindr. No one's coming out. Story goes, well, I was never really interested in guys till I was eight. And then Miss Jeffrey's told us what being gay was. And ever since then, it's just been cock, cock, cock. These parents have stood outside schools with these huge banners. Say no to the promoting of homosexuality and LGBT ways of life to our children. My goodness me. How shit are their signs? It is not hard to come up with a school-based homophobic slogan. Sums, not bums. Classes, not arses. Arithmetic, not sucking dick. These are lazy protesters, right? More play time, less gay time. Swimming, not running. I know things change fast. When I was at school, standard banter with your male schoolmates. You call them gay. Whatever they've done, you know. You've done your homework. Gay! You snogged a girl last night. Gay! Women don't do that, do they? Women don't go around accusing each other of being gay. It's a male thing. I think we're so tragically bad at communicating. That's all we've got. Gay! I've been hanging out with my mates over 20 years. I don't know anything about them. Other than their answers to a load of would you rather questions. You know would you rather? Would you rather watch your parents have sex every day for the rest of your life or join in once to make it stop? Something to talk about on the way home. But men, we are four times more likely to commit suicide compared to women. And that's not just because we're better at things. Because we don't ever want to show we're vulnerable or weak or scared. So we all put on a front. I mean I'm so bad at sharing my feelings. I think my suicide note would say good thanks you. And we're passing this on to our sons. My little boy fell over and he really hurt himself. My instinct was to say don't cry. Yeah, don't cry. Come on. That was a fair tackle. I got the ball. Women are better at communicating. I swear I see it all the time. I was watching two women talking the other day. It was like a different world. Hey Jen, how are you doing? Hey, love your coat. Is that a new coat? It's gorgeous. Yeah, my mum bought it for me. It's gorgeous, isn't it? How's your mum doing? She's so much better, thank you. So pleased. I was really worried about her. Oh, you've always been so good. But my mum, not at all. You're such a good friend. What? If a mate of mine was wearing a new coat and I asked him about it, I think he'd deny it. This new? I don't even know, mate. Oh, I like it. Well, I like your mum. I've got this fear that a close friend of mine was to die, right? I'm asked to speak about him at the funeral and I will know so little about him. I will have absolutely nothing to say. My name's Simon and I was Matt's best mate and I knew him all of his life. Thank you to Matt's wife for asking me to say a few words here today. I'm so sorry. He never told me your name. Last year, I'm pretty sure that Matt bought a new coat. He liked my mum. Gay. Matt. Would rather... Have Pringles for fingers than Wotsits for toes. Matt would rather sweat mayonnaise than cum mustard. Matt would rather wank off a dog than finger a giraffe. And my dear best friend Matt would rather suck off his dad than go down on his mum. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming. Thank you for making tonight special. I love you all. Goodnight. Just let's go home now.