Dustin Searcy | Honest Dirty Talk | Full Comedy Special

And as a woman, she's really into dirty talking and, you know, I try my best, I hit the ball back, you know. But here's the thing. Here's what I've learned. Is that men, when we dirty talk, we have a tendency to make promises we can't keep. You know, in the bedroom, we're like politicians that we're just like, yeah, we promise that we're going to do a lot of things with no intention of actually doing them. And then when it's time to come through on those promises, we're like, turns out it was not in the budget. Yeah, we had a second look at that proposal. We don't have the manpower to pull it off. So, but here's the thing. I don't want to lead my girl on. I want to be honest, forthcoming in my relationship. So I've decided I've made a policy for myself. I'll only engage in honest, dirty talk from now on. Only honest, no matter what. And the other night we were going at it and she's like, I want you to **** me all night long. And I was like, wouldn't that be something? Wouldn't that be something amazing? Imagine how exciting that would be if I did something like that, you know? And she's like, no, I want you to **** me all night long. And I was like, here, here. Cheers to that. She's like, fine, can you at least **** me for an hour? And I was like, 40 minutes, we'll do 40 minutes. So we'll see how it goes. Sean was right, I can see all of your faces and I'm not sure I like it. I do like trying new things. You know, I went to a nude beach for the first time this year. Nude beach. And I learned that nude beaches are not for me. Because I had a very specific fantasy of the type of people that would be at a nude beach. You know, I had a very specific type of person in my mind that was going to want to come up to me and have a talk. And it was not those people. It was not the people in my dreams. I learned that the only naked people that want to have a long talk are old dudes who take ecstasy every day. That's what I learned. That the whole nude beach experience is just like avoiding eye contact with an 86-year-old leather couch. Who's just wearing a hula hoop. That's all he's got on. Has anybody here been to Wreck Beach? Yeah. So you guys know. If you've never been, the whole experience is just keeping your eyes to the sky. While some guy's like, it's pretty hot out, huh? I'm a little warm. You just got to sit there like, can you not do this on my towel, dude? Let me back up. Didn't mean to hit your dick. Sorry. I'm happy to be back in Vancouver. I was on the road for a while. I was in Alberta for like a month. I had the most small town experience of my life. I was walking down their downtown area. Which is a very generous term for what they have. A bunch of hornets started buzzing around my head. I was swatting at them. And this old woman saw me and was like, yellowjacket's been bad this year. I was like, oh yeah? She's like, don't worry though. If one of them bites you, all you have to do is find a yellow flower with two leaves on the stem. You take the flower petals, chew them up, rub it on the bite. It'll neutralize the pain. I was like, holy ****, this is a small town. You know you're in the middle of nowhere when you're like, where's the pharmacy? And they just point to the woods. Everything you need is in there. I like small town people. They're really into traditions. Like holiday traditions. Are you guys dressing up for Halloween? Yeah? Who said yeah? What are you going as? A dead bride. A dead bride? Oh shit, all right. Is that, are you flexing on anybody? Don't get married. Don't get married? No, they'll kill you. So the costume is just an allegory for your life? I didn't mean to laugh that hard, I'm so sorry. I respect that you own it, but man, you could, you should go as a princess. You deserve more. Because that's who you are. I like Halloween. I like that tradition. There's some traditions that I think we can just get rid of, you know? Like last Christmas, I stayed at my sister's for Christmas and Christmas carolers came to her house. Nobody's asking for that. Nobody wants, nobody is snuggled up on their couch on Christmas Eve and is like, you know what would make this better? If we were forced to watch a concert. If we were held hostage by someone's karaoke dreams, that would... If you guys don't know what a Christmas caroler is, a Christmas caroler is what would happen if the Jehovah's Witnesses got Michael Bublé. If the Jehovah's and Bublé joined forces and were like, let's spread the word of God, and Bublé was like, best I can do is jingle bells. That's the best I can do. Have you guys ever had Christmas carolers come to your house? Yeah. I don't like it. It's uncomfortable because you're not expecting them. You just open a door and people are singing at your face. And it's apparently a nice thing to do and they're not selling anything so you can't just be like, no thanks. That's a little much. No, you gotta be polite. You just gotta stand there and let all the heat out of your house. Oh, you're doing another one. Awesome, yeah. That's cool. Just what I wanted, a higher electric bill. If you've never experienced it, it's a lot because, first of all, they look you in the eye when they're singing. Don't ******* do that. Do you know what that's like to have someone stare into your soul and be like, joy to the world. It's really uncomfortable. Do you know what that experience is like? Have you guys ever had a friend show you a video on their phone they think is hilarious, and then the whole time you're watching they just ******* stare at you? Have you ever like, oh dude, I saw this thing on Instagram, immediately thought of you, it's so ******* funny. Oh, you're gonna love it, you're gonna love it, you're gonna love it. It's gonna get good, don't worry. Just wait, it's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up. Boom! Oh, you didn't like it? You didn't like it? Oh, you didn't get it. Okay, well, for context, on September 11th there was these two planes, right? Things got crazy. I'm happy to be here. Yeah, me and Tony are both from Grand Prairie, and I don't know if you guys have ever been there. You don't have to go, it's okay. I try to describe what Grand Prairie is like. Grand Prairie is like if you cooked Alberta down to a reduction sauce. You know what I mean? Like if you left the province of Alberta simmering on a hot pan, and the Alberta just got concentrated. And it just got thick and dark and tangy, and then you taste the sauce. Mmm, oil and cocaine. That's all it is. Like it's a very redneck and like industrial blue collar town. Like Grand Prairie, that's the type of town that if you're born there, you were delivered as a D-section baby. You never heard of a... You know what D-sections are? It's when the baby drives through the vagina in a diesel truck. At nine months, the mom feels some like idling happening in her belly. She feels like a Duramax purring inside her. She feels the rumbling, she's like, oh ****, this one's a Chevy. Oh, *******. Kid rips out like, **** yeah, bud. And when you grow up in a place like that, you gotta find ways to pass the time. And when I was growing up, the way you passed the time was you just did dangerous stuff outdoors. That was how you had fun. I remember going camping with my cousins, this was a couple years ago. And we just got drunk all day long. And then it was midnight, we're hanging around the campfire. And we were just shit-faced. My cousin Kyle was like, he nodded off on his chair, he was ******* out cold. And then he just woke up. And then he looked at me, he's like, yo Dust, yo Dust. You wanna make a ******* piss bomb? You wanna make a piss bomb, bud? And I was like, ******* no. I didn't know what a piss bomb was. You know what I thought he was saying? I thought he was being like, you know what we should do? We should pinch our foreskins, piss them, let go. That's what I thought. He was like, you gotta try, it's ******* wild. So I was like, I'm gonna let you go on your journey, Kyle. I'll pass. So I asked Kyle, I was like, what's a piss bomb? What is that? And he's like, alright, you take an empty liquor bottle, you fill it with half gasoline, half piss, you put a cap on it, you leave it in the fire, it explodes, and it's ******* funny. It's the funniest thing you've ever seen. And I was like, alright, where'd you learn how to do that? Like, did you Google it? Did a friend tell you? And he's like, no, we just kinda fucked around with gas and piss till we got the right mix. I'm like, oh yeah? And he's like, you're drunk, right? I'm like, yeah. He's like, alright, it works best with drunk piss, it always works best. I'm like, okay. Is that because the alcohol in your system, it affects the explosion? And he was like, oh, maybe. I never thought of the chemistry, it's just usually easier to convince a drunk dude to piss in a bottle. He's like, so you wanna do one? I was like, is it dangerous? And he's like, ******* yeah. Yeah, it's dangerous, it has bomb in the name, dude. I was like, have you had any problems? And he's like, well, first time we did it, the bottle tipped over early, and when it blew up, it burnt our buddy's eyebrows off. I was like, the first time you did it? You burned your friend's, why would you keep doing it? And I'm quoting him, he said, we kept doing it because I knew I was on to something. So that's my cousin Kyle. Can't be messing around with piss bombs, you know? I'm 31 now, that's, you know, piss bomb age, that's 29. No, Kyle was 34 when he did that. Yeah, I'm 31. You know, when you get into your 30s, you feel your priorities shift. You know, you're not focused on the same things, the same type of fun, you know? Like the other day, I had a Netflix and chill date, and my priority was finishing the movie. I had never had that happen before, and do not get me wrong, I wanted to have sex, but not at the expense of an Oscar-nominated screenplay. It was too good. It was too great. It was a movie 1917. Have you guys seen that movie? No? Yeah, not a great pick for a date, I know. I made a mistake, I don't know. If you've never seen it, it's this epic war drama that's like emotionally powerful, but 30 minutes in, there's a scene where a bomb goes off and a bunch of rubble falls on the main characters. They have to scramble out to save their lives. It's very intense. But this is the moment the woman I'm with put her hand on my pants, and out loud, I said, what are you doing? Do you see what's happening right now? Those are veterans. I'm wearing a poppy, what the ****? But I never would have done that when I was 19. At 19, you're too horny. I'm making a move no matter what. If I'm with a girl, we're Netflix and chilling, it doesn't matter what movie she put on, she could put on Schindler's List. You think that's stopping me at 19 years old? The whole movie, I'd just be like, speaking of running a train... I've got to settle down. I'm supposed to. My parents really want me to settle down. My mom in particular. She's telling me to have kids. She wants grandkids. Because she has empty nest syndrome. Does anybody hear of that? Good, good. If you don't know what empty nest syndrome is, it's when a mother experiences it when all her kids have moved out of the house and then she finally has time to realize her husband's a dick. There's a little bit of silence to really clock his behavior. Am I right, dead bride? You really got to look at him and be like, I would rather be dead, actually. It's not that I don't want to have kids, it's just like kids right now don't even register as a financial possibility. You know what I mean? The other day, I took a hike and there was a sign that said the trail was stroller-friendly. I literally thought it meant like... That's how far away kids are, even as a concept. I saw a wooden sign that said this trail has been made stroller-friendly and I genuinely was like, they made it for us? What the ****? For us strollers? That's so nice of them. Yeah, my mom, she has that empty nest syndrome bad because there were six kids in her house. Yeah, four boys and two girls. That's a lot. But at that point, after six kids, that's not even empty nest syndrome, that's PTSD. That poor woman, after like four boys, the chaos she had to endure for 25 years, that's all she's used to now. She can only relax if shit's breaking in the house. That's all she knows. To this day, to take a nap, she has to put on a playlist of Xbox controllers hitting the wall. She hears bang and she's like, oh, the boys are safe. Me and my brothers were rowdy. We played a lot of mean games with each other. We played No Returns. You guys ever play No Returns? No? It's a very fun game. You did? Yeah. Yeah, it looks like you can throw a punch. Yeah, it's... Did you have brothers? Yeah, yeah. So, okay, so you'll relate to this, but okay. This is a very fun game. You guys can all try this. It's very easy. You just walk up to someone, punch them in the face and then say, no returns. And then you get away with it. We did that all the time on the playground and every kid just went along with it for some reason. They just accept... They would get hit and be like, oh, you're good at this game. It's a dumb rule. But wouldn't that be kind of nice to have now that you're an adult? You know, not to assault anybody. I mean, just like with the responsibilities you deal with every day, if you could just say no returns and they disappear, how amazing would that be? Like, I get a phone call, Dustin, I think I'm pregnant. No returns, click. That was a close one. My parents are still in Grand Prairie. They're still living there. I had very strict parents growing up. Anybody have strict parents? Yeah? Yeah, it's a lot. Yeah, yeah. This is what I didn't like about it, is that I think strict parents, they do a good job of setting you up for life, but sometimes the lessons they choose to impart, they don't need that. You know? Like, they really believe for you to learn a life lesson, you had to learn it the hard way, no matter what. Like, the day I turned 18, they started charging me rent, which they said was to teach me fiscal responsibility. You know, there's no such thing as a free ride. Which, that is a good lesson. My friend Spencer, on the other hand, his parents let him live rent-free for as long as he wanted while he worked full-time as a power engineer. And when we both turned 23, Spencer was able to buy a brand new home in cash, whereas I knew things cost money. Which is just as valuable. You know, because sure, Spencer owns three acres of prime real estate, but I have the wisdom to know he paid for it. And that's something money can't buy. I'll never forget when Spencer moved in and he showed us around his house, he's like, dude, can you believe this? I own a home. This is crazy. I don't even know how this happened. I bet you don't. I don't mean to be not grateful, you know. I don't know. I'm a pretty happy guy. I'm grateful for my life, and sometimes it's tough to be grateful. But I was talking to a friend of mine today who's a very positive dude, and he told me, he said to me, you know, Dustin, the key to happiness is gratitude. And I am grateful. I don't have to see him every day because he's annoying as ****. But he's right. He's right. And here's the thing. I can actually pinpoint the exact moment of my life where I experienced more gratitude than I've ever experienced, and it was immediately after a near-death experience. I don't know if any of you have almost died, but immediately after, you're grateful for the most insane shit. It doesn't matter how unpleasant something is, you'll thank the universe for it. Like, you'll find a hair in your sandwich and be like, how lucky am I to eat such luscious hair. What a pre- Like, it's not even a pube. Like, that's amazing. And even if it was a pube, I would floss with it. I don't give a ****. I'm alive. It was immediately after the scariest flight of my life. It was, it's hard to explain how bad a flight was because you guys weren't on it. So just to give you some perspective on how ******* scary this flight was, this is totally true. When we were coming in to land, the guy next to me pooped his pants. Yeah, not a shart. Not, not he sneezed hard and a pebble fell out. I mean, a grown man, full-on character in an Adam Sandler movie shit his pants. Like, we were coming in to land, we hit turbulence, and just ffff- And, and the funk just inhabited the cabin. And for like 30 minutes in this flight, it felt like we were locked in a music festival port-a-potty that was then loaded onto a roller coaster. That's what this ******* flight was like. But this is how scary the flight was, that when we finally landed, I took a deep breath and was actually grateful to smell it. That's insane. Dude, can you imagine how terrifying of a moment you'd have to live through to be strapped next to a man that shit his pants and genuinely think, life is a blessing. All of it. All right, this is the whole story. I'll tell you guys the whole thing. I was flying into Calgary, and we got to about 400 feet above the tarmac, and the plane just started *******- I'm like, ooh, that's not good. We get to about 200 feet, and the plane starts shaking even harder. Like, Jesus Christ. We get to 100 feet before we start to land, and the plane literally tips on one side, tips back on the other, and then we launch into the air, and everyone on the plane at the same time went, what the ****?! We rocket up at, like, a 45-degree angle. You can feel your chest caving or something. Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! We get back up to altitude, and the pilot comes on and is like, Um... Sorry about that. I don't know if you guys noticed, but... the control tower switched our runway and forgot to tell us, and we almost had a little whoopsie-daisy. Which I respect that he was trying to keep calm. That was too ******* calm. What do you mean, whoopsie-daisy? We almost landed on a plane, dude! What do you say? That's not a whoopsie-daisy. I understand there needs to be some professionalism, but I actually would have preferred if when we took off, he was like, Holy ******* shit! Dude, did you guys see that?! Oh, no, we almost died. I swear to God. Oh, man, we almost died, dude! Dude, I'm telling you, the second we land, I'm calling my wife and asking for a divorce. I swear to God. I've been cheating on her with these flight attendants. Life's too short to live a lie. I can't do it anymore! I actually would have ******* preferred that. I was like, whatever. Glad they solved the problem. We circle the city again, try to land, and the same thing happens. Same thing. We get to 200 feet, the plane goes, and we just launch into the air, and we were all like, not again! We get back up to altitude, and we're like, what's the pilot gonna say? And he doesn't say shit. He doesn't say anything. And do you know why he's not talking? Because he knows that we know that he ******* lied about the runway! He just made it... There was never a mix-up. What happened was he lost control of the plane, almost slammed us into the ground, and instead of just telling us that, he was like, uh, the control tower fucked us. Uh... Oh, boy, I don't know where they hire these ******* iPad kids, but... Changing runways left and right, it's embarrassing, let me tell you. He just ******* threw them under the bus, and he would have gone away with it, but then it happened a second time, which, at that point, he couldn't be like, you guys aren't gonna believe this. They did it again! So now we're circling the city a third time, and I'm actually thinking, just kill us. I don't want to be around anymore. Life's not worth this, you know? We come into land a third time, and this time, because he's had two practice runs, he's like, oh, this is not bad. So he finally lands, this guy shits, I go, life is a blessing. But this was the worst part about the whole experience to me, was the pilot never acknowledged what happened. He never actually, like, talked about how fucked up that was, to the point where, you know, like, when you leave a flight, he's standing there to say, like, ooh, thanks for flying Delta or whatever. I was fully expecting him to be, like, cowering in the cockpit or something. I didn't expect him to show his face. He didn't do that. I literally walked off the plane, and he stopped me and said, hey, buddy, hope you had a nice flight. Dude, the confidence and ego, dude, would you ******* cook a meal for someone, give them food poisoning, and when they're throwing up, be like, so did you like it, or... too much salt, too little salt? Do you know what that'd be like? That would be like if I bombed for an hour, then after the show, I blocked the door and was like, pretty ******* funny, huh? Follow me on Instagram right now. All right, I was the one that pooped. I'll be honest. I can't lie to you guys. I'm trying to be a more positive guy, you know. The girl I'm seeing, she introduced me to, she's really looking out for my, you know, self-confidence. She introduced me to affirmations, daily affirmations. Do you do affirmations? No? Yeah, you do? Yeah, it's... Okay. I was gonna call them white woman wishes, but that's too mean. No, we're gonna cut that from the special. If you don't know, an affirmation is just when you gaslight yourself with positivity. Right? That's all it is, is that if you tell lies about yourself, you want to be true until you believe them. You know what I mean? Like, if you want to be a more confident person, you just tell yourself every day, like, I'm confident. I'm confident. Or if you want to be more likable, you tell yourself, I will not play pickleball, you know. I won't do it. I want to introduce affirmations to dudes that could use a little confidence boost. Like, guys at the gym whose whole purpose in life is to get so jacked they can't fit through a door, those guys could use a hug. You know what I mean? I've seen those guys at the gym that they're, like, taking human growth hormone, thinking, like, an 8-pack will make them worthy of love. Like, you don't have to do all that, dude. You're just a good person, you know. I see them in the gym every day I go. They have, like, that little notebook, you know. Was that your ex-husband? I don't mean to bribe. He was a notebook dude. Yeah, yeah. But I just, I see those guys with that, it's like a workout diary, you know, where they, like, write down how many push-ups they did before bursting into tears or whatever. You know what I want to do? Next time one of those guys aren't looking, I want to take the book and just write in it, you are enough. You are enough, Chad. I think I'm honing in on who this dude was. Yeah, you're like, yeah. Met the lady I'm seeing. We were at a bar, and she was very interesting. She led with something I'd never seen before. She told me she was an expert in handwriting analysis, which, have you guys ever heard of that? Yeah? I did not know, but it's like astrology, but for your penmanship. That's what it is. Apparently, you can tell everything about someone's personality just from their handwriting, and she asked if she could analyze mine, and I happen to have my, like, joke book on me, so I was like, alright, why not, you know? And I gave it to her, and she opened it up. I was like, what do you see? And she's like, you have low self-esteem. I was like, how do you know that? And she's like, well, unfortunately you cross your lowercase t's in the bottom third of the t. Yeah, and that's low self-esteem. Top third is high self-esteem, and you don't have that. And I was like, that's not true! I have low self-esteem, but you can't tell from the t! Okay, that's not how you know I'm sad. You know I'm sad because the sentence said, I hate myself. That was the clue. But it stuck with me because the next day, I sat down to do some writing. I was actually feeling a little depressed, and I was like, I wonder what would happen if I started crossing my t's like a high self-esteem guy. You know what I mean? Like, if I crossed my t's in the top third, would I start walking around like I own a Tesla? Like, that confidence? I was like, yeah, it can't hurt. I'll give it a shot. And so I started to write, and the first t, I just ******* crossed it in the top third, and then I looked at it, and then a voice in my head said, who do you think you are? It's not you, dude. Our first official date was we went to the Rickshaw Theater. We went to a rock concert. Very fun. And she's a lot more extroverted than me. I'm kind of a wallflower. And so she was out on the dance floor, like, cutting it up. She was, you know, used to be a professional dancer. She was, like, killing it. And she was trying to coax, you know, the extrovert out in me, which, I love that. I was like, I don't want to. She's like, come on, show me your moves. Loosen up. And I was like, are you sure? And she's like, yeah. And I was like, alright. And I started to get into it. And then I was ******* rocking, and I was like, what do you think? And she's like, I love that you don't care what people think. I was like, I actually do, but I'll work on that. I don't go to clubs anymore, you know, because I'm in my 30s. But the last time I went to a club, I was just, I wasn't even dancing. I was just minding my own business. And a 20-year-old girl walked up to me and told me what my vibe was. Yeah, I did not ask. You never want a 20-year-old girl to give you an assessment of what she thinks you are. Do you know what she told me? She looked at me and said, you're giving vanilla. And I was like, is that a compliment? And she's like, if you want it to be. And I was like, I didn't really know what it meant. And so I was like, what do you mean by that? And she's like, I don't know. It's just when I look at you, I assume every song on your Spotify raft is an acoustic cover of 2000s hip-hop. I was like, god damn, she nailed it. Dude, I'm not bragging, but the number one song for the last three years for me has been Lose Yourself by Eminem by Jack Johnson. I make no apologies for my awesome taste. You can't judge a book by its cover, you know. That's a saying. Some of you agree, some no. I think 95% of the time you can't judge a book by its cover. 95% of the time you can't. But 5% of the time, you can ******* nail it, right? Sometimes you can look at somebody and just think ******* horrible thoughts about them, and then you feel bad because you're like, oh, they're probably nice. And then you talk to them and you're like, they were even worse. Wow. Here's an example of when you can definitely judge a book by its cover. If you are ever on a WestJet flight and you see a drunk, balding, middle-aged man ranting about Bitcoin while he's peeling a hard-boiled egg he brought from home, I guarantee that man is my dad. That's Jeffrey Searcy. That's a true story, by the way. Me and my dad flew to Winnipeg and he snuck six hard-boiled eggs on board. I say he snuck them. It's not illegal to eat eggs on a plane, but it ******* should be. Eggs? We're trapped in a metal tube with hundreds of people and that's the snack you picked? A ******* fart in a shell? That's the one. Hundreds of options. Dude, I would have rather he brought a pocket full of loose bubble tea balls and slurped them out of the palm of his hand. You know those tapioca balls? I actually would have preferred if he was like, long flight, huh? Dude, he peeled the eggs on the plane. Do you know what that does to me? That means he boiled them in his kitchen and before he was about to peel it, he's like, this would be more fun with an audience, actually. In an enclosed space where the fumes can spread. Dude, you guys know to peel an egg, you have to whack the shell to get it started? First of all, he pulled an egg out of his breast pocket. What the ****? I didn't know he brought them. I just looked over and he was like, snack time. And he took an egg and I assume he's going to tap the armrest. Instead, he winds up and smacks the seat in front of him. You know that plastic bit on the back of the headrest? He literally wound up like he was swinging a hammer and was like, snack time, ************. And just started flicking shells with his dirty airport thumbs. It was ******* disgusting. Dude, no sanitizer was involved in this process. Whatever the next pandemic happens, just know it started under my dad's fingernails. He starts eating eggs one after the other. This is the part that bothered me the most. He was like three eggs in and then he put one in his mouth and it just he kept it there and then he just went on his phone. For like ten seconds, it was just like loitering out. I was like, can you ******* swallow, dude? And look, I'm not anti-egg, you know. I can see your guys' faces. I can tell there's some hard-boiled egg fanatics here. Here's my thing, though. If you're going to do something like that, you have to give me a heads up. Right? You can't spring that on your travel buddy. You gotta pull me aside at the gate and be like, hey dude, I did something pretty fucked up. Give me a heads up. My dad didn't give me a hint. He did give me one hint. We were standing at the gate and he was like, did you bring any snacks? And I was like, no. He's like, don't worry, I got ya. He said, don't worry, I got ya, and then he winked at me. He gave me a cheeky little wink, which, if you guys have never met Jeffrey, which none of you have, I don't know why I said if, but just know, that wink of my dad, that is his calling card. I remember I first moved to Vancouver and he visited me and I decided to take him to this fancy oyster bar for some reason. And we walked in, sat at the bar, and everybody was dressed in suits and gowns and looking prim and proper and the bartender came up to us and was like, have either of you boys tried oysters before? And before I could say anything, my dad looks at me and gives me a ******* wink. And then he turned to the bartender and said, nope, back in Winnipeg, the closest you can get to an oyster is a Dirty Hooker's Snatch. And the bartender said, interesting, and just walked away. We never got our oysters. I cannot believe he said Snatch, dude. That is the worst name for a vagina. It's too aggressive. Vagina's so nice. A Snatch? A Snatch sounds like a vagina that can only grow in harsh desert conditions. You know what I mean? Like, it's just rough down there. Like, I'm just saying, if you ever hook up with a woman and she tells you, I want you to eat on my Snatch, don't ******* do it. Don't go down there, dude. It'll be too rough. Dude, you go down on a woman with a Snatch, the second you start licking, a ******* hand will grab you and just yank you inside. You just wake up in a dark room like, what the hell? But yeah, my dad, he didn't tell me about the eggs, and at one point, he was just shoveling them in his mouth, and I couldn't believe he was doing this, and this is all I said the entire flight, is after his fifth egg, I looked over at him, and all I could say is, dude, what are you doing? Which, normally, I would have called him dad, but I don't want people to know we're together. I look like this dude. I am not claiming this, ******. So, just to be low-key, I was like, what are you doing, fellow traveler? And this is how out of it my dad is with social decorum. When I said, what are you doing? He's like, don't worry. I brought a couple for ya. But living in Vancouver, public transit, I take a lot. I take the bus a lot in the city, and it's not a very fun experience. You see things on the bus like you never thought you would see, dude. Like a little while ago, like a month ago, I took the bus down from here to do a show at this venue, and I watched a grown man finish a pint of Haagen-Dazs ice cream without using a spoon. No, just all tongue, dude. All tongue. This guy reached into a grocery bag, pulled out a fresh pint of Haagen-Dazs, and just peeled the lid off like tearaway panties. And he went down on this Haagen-Dazs like it was his rich wife and he was a stay-at-home husband. Like he picked that thing up and was like, who's my boss, babe? Oh, you taste like you're making partner. You have no idea how proud I am for what you do for this family. Yeah, I was appalled. All the women looked at their boyfriends and said, huh, look at him go. Look at all that effort he's putting in, huh? So I guess the point of that story is communicate with your partner. Talk with each other, you know? That is important, you guys. You gotta talk to each other. You gotta let each other know what you're up to. That's important in relationships. The biggest fight I ever got into was with my ex-girlfriend and it was over something so dumb. What happened was a politician was caught laundering money and there was a protest at City Hall and she decided to go. So she made her own sign, went to City Hall, protested all day. Then when she came home instead of throwing her sign away, she just popped it on our bed. Here was the problem. She didn't tell me that she went to a protest. She didn't give me a heads up. I had no idea. So that night, I came home from work, walked into our bedroom and on my pillow, there was a sign that said, tell the truth. And yeah, it's a very funny story looking back. At the time, I was not laughing. Because dude, when you're a man and you see your girlfriend left a note like that on your pillow, you're not thinking, what the hell did City Council do? That's not the first thought running through your head. No, you look inward. Do you know what my first thought was? When I saw tell the truth, my first thought was, oh no, she knows I hate her friends. That was the first, which could be worse. That was my first thought. I definitely said to her, Tiffany's cool. No, she's hilarious. I'd love to hang out with her again. This weekend, I'm busy. That was my first thought. My next thought was, how do I handle this? I had two voices in my head telling me what to do. The first voice was telling me, just be honest. She already knows something's up. You just gotta own up to it. She'll appreciate the accountability. That's the only way back. The other voice in my head was saying, shut the **** up. You don't know what lie she's mad about. You don't even know if she's mad about a lie. Maybe she was just sitting at home, thought I was acting fishy. Let's put out some cheese, try to catch a rat. That sign, toss it on the bed. I went with the truth. I went with just being honest. I grabbed the sign, brought it into the kitchen. She was making dinner. I was like, hey, I'd love to have a talk, if you have a minute. She was like, totally. After, I want to tell you about this protest I went to earlier today. I'm like, I'm gonna let you go first, actually. Tell me about this protest. She told me about the protest. I was like, that's crazy. She's like, what did you want to talk about? I'm like, don't worry about it. I was like, alright, I don't know. When I walked in the bedroom, I saw Tell the Truth on the bed, and I was a little worried you thought I was lying. She was like, huh. Why would you be worried? I was like, what? She's like, why would you be worried? Have you been lying to me about something? I was like, you know I love your friends. Then I became single. Not married. I did go to a lot of weddings this year. Anybody get married recently? This is the most Vancouver crowd I've heard. Kids, no. Marriage, no. You were all kind of on board with the fingering the bus joke, but not everybody. I do, I like going to weddings. The last wedding I went to was very awkward because the couple that got married, they had dated for 12 years. Have you guys ever been to one of those weddings before? Yeah, where like the bride and groom have already watched like three Winter Olympics together. Dude, not a lot of enthusiasm at those weddings. After 12 years together, the vibe, it feels less like two lovers are getting married and more like two roommates are signing a lease. That's the energy between the two, you know? Like during the vows when they said, do you accept this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? I swear to God, she almost said, I guess. They still expected us to buy them gifts, which that's crazy, right? After 12 years together, I'm still supposed to buy you guys something? What am I supposed to buy a couple that's been together for more than a decade? I bought them couples therapy. That's what I bought them. You don't want to wait too long to get married, you know? Because anybody that's been in a long relationship knows that sometimes you have to spice things up in the bedroom, right? You can't just do missionary in the dark for a decade, you got to mix it up. Like there's one couple I know that they've been together for like 15 years, they're not married, and they recently announced that they're opening up their relationship. They brought another couple into the bedroom, which that's always a good sign, right? Right? You know when one of your friends announces they're in an open relationship and you're like, finally, a couple that's going to make it. You know? I'm going to power through. But to everyone's surprise, they're still together. Not only that, they're getting married and on top of that, the couple they swapped with is actually going to the wedding. Yeah, talk about a promotion. My God. Dude, getting upgraded from booty called the bridal party is crazy work. That's insane. Dude, when I found that out, my first thought was, please, for the love of God, let them give a speech. I would kill to see that speech, dude. Some guy no one else knows gets on stage and is like, for those of you that don't know me, my name is Brian, but Kelly and Taylor call me the Bull. Is that a fart? What was that? A lot of people don't have shame anymore. Don't you guys find that on social media? People don't have shame, you know? This happened a little while ago where a woman I know, she posted on Facebook, she said, hey fellas, when you're having sex with a real woman, we don't want it too slow or too fast. We want it just like this. And then she posted a link for a video. I was like, oh my God. I can't believe I'm about to watch this video. I want to know what speed I should be ******* at. I don't want to be in these streets stroking like a rabbit when I should be pumping like a turtle, you know? So I wanted to know, so I clicked on the video and the video, it wasn't even anybody having sex. The video was just the character Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong was clapping his hands. Yeah, this is the speed I guess we should be ******* at. 104 beats per minute, like an old Avicii song. I was just watching the video, like, ******* noted. Alright. Good pace, right? I didn't think anything of it. I just thought it was a dumb video. But then a couple days later, I had a date. It went well. And me and this girl ended up hooking up and the sex, it was not going great in the beginning. We didn't have a lot of chemistry, you know? The sex, the whole time, it felt like we were two blind people trying to move a couch. You know, we were just bumping into shit. She would push when I would pull. I'd be like, could you please lift your end up? And she's like, oh, I can't, my foot's stuck in a door. It was brutal, dude. It was so bad that I was like, almost to the point where I was like, I don't even know if I want to finish this. Maybe we should just wrap it up. And right before I quit, Donkey Kong popped in my head. I don't know what brought it in, but I was having sex and it was just not going great and then Donkey Kong showed up and was just like, just follow my lead, brother. You got it. Just do this. Just do this. And I was like, ******* okay, Donkey, all right. And I'm not joking, I started having sex and while I was having sex, I was picturing Donkey Kong in my head, just okay, we got it, we got it. And I'm not bullshitting, as soon as I synced up with him, I started killing that shit. Dude, the sex became incredible. Dude, it was so good, at one point she turned around and said, whoo, that dick is bananas. My god. And then I came and threw a barrel at her and she's like, holy shit. Can you **** me like that again? And I was like, wouldn't that be something? All right, that's my time. You guys are a lovely audience. Thanks for coming out. Get home safe, everybody. Goodbye.