Luke Kidgell HAPPY HOUR | Full Comedy Special (2025)

Are you ready to see the man of the hour? You guys are really coasting so hard off the Beatles thing here, I'm not gonna lie. I've been here for one day, I saw a Beatles vape store. You guys need to let it be dude, just chill. What was your name? Eileen. Let's go. Have you ever been cum on? I'm sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry. You guys are way too close, this is weird. We could probably high five if we tried. Put the hands together, keep it up and welcome to the stage, one of my best friends in the world, Luke Kitchum. We went to Oxford on this tour. Give us a cheer if you're from Oxford. Perfect. Sweet, I'll do the bit. No, if you've never been to Oxford before, it's very posh, it's very pristine, it's very fancy, they don't discriminate unless you're poor. Unfortunately for me, I was doing my show in quite a small comedy club, right? So much smaller than the one we're in tonight. And I make some silly self-deprecating comment that I wasn't making that much money from the show, because that was true. And thinking that would have a laugh at my expense. They're so posh, a girl at the back just goes, yes, this is like a charity gig, but you're the charity. I'll be honest, pretty good heckle. What I didn't appreciate, there was another person loud enough so I could hear, just turned to her friend and went, what a poor loser. And I was like, you know, you guys are kind of pretentious, right? And they were freaked out, like, oh, I beg your pardon? They adjusted their monocles, you know? And the girl, she goes, excuse me? And I was like, oh, yeah. She's like, define pretentious. I was like, you've just done it right there. Also, we're in Oxford, you define it. You guys literally wrote the dictionary, all right? Yes, got them with their own book. Oh, that's a shit raid. I got up to G, I was like, this has gone nowhere. Oh, what's next? F. Oh, right, nowhere. That might be the single most embarrassing thing I've ever said in a microphone. I traveled 22 hours across the world to do one of the biggest shows I've ever done, and I'm like, oh, ****, I don't know the alphabet shit. We're in London. This Tower of London building was built in 1078. I don't even remember that. Do you know how old that is? I have a very important question to ask you, London. Does anyone know about the trees that smell like cum? Yes? Okay, this is a real thing, right? And I'm glad you know about it, because now I don't look like an insane person. If you don't know, there are trees, they smell like semen, and I'm very new to this information as well. This is the true story of how I found out. I found out about this from my girlfriend, right? I was chilling at home one day, my girlfriend walks in after a big day, and she's like, ah, I'm sick of smelling cum all day. And I was like, I have a few questions. She's like, every day I leave the house and it hits me in the face. And I was like, no, you've answered none of them, now I have way more. And she explained to me, this is real, there's a tree that exists called the ornamental pear tree, and it emits a scent that smells none other than semen. And at first, I was skeptical, because I was like, how do you even know what that smells like? I was like, I don't even think I would know what that smells like. And I voiced that thought out loud at my own house as a full-grown adult. I was like, I, Likiju, could not identify the scent of cum. I walked outside the next day like, ah, cum. It's not until it's in your face that you're like, I've smelt that on me, you know? Okay, a few girls giggling, all the dudes just abandoned me on that one. What the f*** was that? Just sit next to your girlfriend's like, I don't even know what he's talking about. I would never do that. I'm above G's. I had to Google it. I was like, why does the tree emit this scent? Apparently, the tree emits this scent to attract insects and bugs, dude. Yeah, insects are just dirty little cum sluts, dude. They love it, man. So do I. Right, no, wait, let me explain. No, it's become like an in-joke between my girlfriend and I, where now we send each other pictures of the trees. But the problem is you always smell them before you see them. So you have to go on a... We call it a cum hunt, whatever. And they're everywhere now and they're spreading. I'm convinced back home in Australia that this is going to become our new national tree. And I'm not even mad about it. Screw gum trees. Give me a home amongst the cum trees. And they plant them in really inappropriate places in my neighborhood. Like I go for a lot of runs. I was running past our local primary school and I was like, oh, that is not cool. And then I was running... I ran past our local cemetery and I was like, oh, that's just disrespectful. And the last of my little loop, I ran past our local Catholic church and I was like, oh, and there were absolutely no trees around. Got them. Thank you very much. That's a joke about the systematic abuse of the Catholic church that way. It's not against all Catholics, by the way, just the ones with the wizard hats. Any priests in? Okay, that was a lot of jokes. No, I think this show is 16 plus, so there's nothing for them here. I just imagine me walking into a church and I **** up the alphabet. They're like, you're perfect. Physically 28, mentally seven. Illegal loophole. I'm not proud of that one, I'm sorry. Is anyone from Oxford? Do you consider yourself a posh person? Maybe all British accents sound posh to me. Not really, no. What do you do for a job? I'm a student. Is that two people answering? Oh mate, so women can speak now. 2024, brother. Even last year when we went to Oxford, they were so posh. The guy who checked us into the hotel, it's like he'd seen the etiquette training online. We walked in, he's like... And then he looked at us, we're all got our suitcases, and he goes... And I was like, did you just... Me? That's what you do to cats, that's so condescending, dude. He's like, come on. And I'm such a child, I was like... And I got up to the counter and he did it again. So he goes... So I lean over the counter. I'm about to tongue **** this man. I was like, whatever he has to say, he must deem as either highly important or perhaps even confidential. So I was like, I'm a listener. So he leans in, he goes... Have you ever dabbled in British biscuits, mate? And I was like, I'm sorry, what? And he goes, I said, have you ever dabbled in British biscuits, mate? And I was like, brother, I heard the question, I was confused by the statement. I'm an Australian. When someone asks you if you've dabbled in biscuits, I think you're offering me drugs. I was like, what type of biscuits are we talking? And it turns out it was the choc-chip variety. And I was like, no, I've not dabbled in British biscuits. I'm sorry. And he kind of got a bit offended. He was like, what? He goes, mate, well, when in Oxford, you must try our world famous Oxford cookies. And he looked me in the eye and it's the funniest thing a human's ever said to me. And he went, they are most exciting. And he did a little thing when he did it. I can't explain it, but he did a little thing. And did I laugh out loud at this guy's face? 100% I did, right? Was it rude? Maybe, but my girlfriend did it too, which makes it okay. And I walked away and I was like, wow, that guy loved cookies so much. Like, and you know what? I wasn't even gonna judge him. I was like, you know, if I loved anything as much as that guy loved cookies, I'd be a very fulfilled person. And I walked away, I was like, imagine if he ever found someone that was willing to touch his penis. It would blow his mind, dude. He'd be bragging about to the lads like, have you ever dabbled in minge, mate? Ever had a slice of clunge, brother? They are most exciting. Ever had a splat in the old twat, you know? A puff in the old muff? All right, that's enough of that. No, one more. Ever got a bit cray cray on the old Vajayjay, mate? They are most exciting. That became like an in-joke. I just couldn't stop doing with my girlfriend. If something now is a bit shit and a bit weird, I'd just be like, oh, that was most exciting. It doesn't help any situation. We missed our flight one day. We did that big rush to the airport. The plane leaves. I'm standing at the boarding gate with my ticket. She's freaking out. And I was like, that was most exciting. Every time I go to like the underground, like a main station, it's just like pickpockets may operate in this area. I'm like, are you employing them? What do you mean? They operate in this like, if you know about it, do something about it. People are trying to steal their phone. They're like, we told you. I'm like, hey, how about police it? They're like, no, no, no. We gave you a warning. So thanks so much. Has anyone ever been pickpocketed before? Oh, so it's like really common. Oh, wow. In Australia, we have this thing called respect. It hasn't reached the Northern Hemisphere yet. But I see videos on TikTok of people stealing things that made me scared to go here. And I was like to my girlfriend, we need to get a bum bag. And then I was like, no, I'd rather just be robbed actually. Um, yeah. So, um, do you guys ever have any thoughts? No? Ah, I do. I'd like to share some with you if that's cool. There's no cool way to bring the stool over. What do you want me to do? This is like a divorced dad stool at a casino. Like, it like leans you into the slot machines. Do you guys have any thoughts that you want to share? Okay, I'll share some of mine. Why is it that some airlines can have a plane go missing and kill 250 people and then keep operating as a business? What's up with that? People don't talk about that nearly enough. Like if you went to your local grocery store and they killed 250 people, you'd be like, no, they're not fit to sell cherry tomatoes. And then you went there and you're like, hang on, where's the grocery store? And where's all the people? And they're like, I don't know. You're like, what do you mean you don't know? What happened? Bad weather maybe. They're like, what? There's no evidence? Shut up. By the way, this joke's about no Malaysian airline in particular. So, I need to legally cover myself. Two stick insects ******* as a fire hazard. Do you remember when Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion? Yeah. Then he like changed it back to Snoop Dogg because like it didn't really stick. No shit. That's like if Eminem changed his name to Smarties. I miss Australia. I need like a sausage with proper tomato sauce. Like a VB on tap. What's your name, sorry? Will. Will, lovely to meet you, Will. Will, you're having a Foster's. For you. Yeah, well, this is the thing. I don't know if you guys know this. Some of you clearly know what I'm about to say. Some of you are like, please tell me, Luke. Last year when I was in the UK, I was in Oxford and I walked up to a bar and I was just like perusing the taps, you know, deciding what I was going to get. The guy was like, do you know what you want to order? I was like, oh, I'm just looking and the guy detected the accent. He went, oh, I know what you want. And I was like, what? And he goes, Foster's. And I just went so casually. I was like, oh yeah, I've never had it. And he goes, what? And he goes, well, who's it for then? And I was like, we make it for you. You don't drink that shit. Ew, that's ******* gross. Nah, but good on you. I hope you have a good night. And then what do you do, Will? You know what? Don't worry about it, Will. In the video. I actually went to Big Tesco today for the first time. Yeah. And may I say, it was everything I'd ever hoped for. Oh my God, dude. I walked in there. Like, I don't know if you know this, but in Australia, that's four stores. That's a hardware store, a supermarket. We have a thing called K-Mart, which is where you can buy the clothes and the cushions. Like, but you walk into Big Tesco. I walked down an aisle and there was rat poison next to Monopoly. And I was like, what is this place? I saw a guy walking around. He bought sushi and jeans too. Someone was literally in a boardroom once. He's like, oh, I've got it. I've got it. Listen up, listen up. And then I'm like, oh, what? And he goes, what about? We just ******* do it all. I was like, what? Like even be a bank in a petrol station? He's like, ******* yeah. And someone told me at co-op, you can arrange a funeral. Is that true? Dude, they also sell chocolate-flavored lube and pregnancy tests, which means you can start a life and end one in the same shop, dude. No one's doing that. I found out that co-op have schools now. Yeah, does anyone know about this? Give us a cheer. Yeah, this is a thing that's happening in your country. And you guys are just walking around pretending like your youth aren't being educated by supermarkets currently. Like there's going to be empty seats at my shows in 10 years time. And they'll be like, oh, I've got to restock that. Scanning the sales. Look at that. Mops. Lego Batman. Who's doing that? Tesco is, man. This is crazy. So last year, I did a tour in the UK, right? And the highlight of our trip by far was my girlfriend and I went to see a musical called Wicked, right? Yeah, dude. I don't really, look, she likes musicals. I'll be honest, I just like being in a crowd. Like you don't know anyone, but everyone's on the same page. Like there's something fun about that. Like you guys, you're a great crowd. It feels like you're on the same page. Like, I hope you are. I hope you're like, yeah, comedy. Like if you left going, those magicians were weird, then we've done something seriously wrong, right? But the problem was at Wicked, not everyone was on the same page. And if you don't know musicals, such an easy thing to enjoy. You just got to like understand the plot and appreciate the music. Wicked, very simple plot. If you don't know, it's a prequel of The Wizard of Oz. It's the untold story of the Wicked Witch of the West. And the whole plot is that the Wicked Witch isn't actually that wicked. She's a good witch the whole time. Bad witch, good for two hours. It broke people's brains. So it's not a challenging narrative. I've seen Love Island episodes with more depth. And it gets to halftime, right? Or the interval, I call it halftime, whatever. I was like, where the **** are the oranges here? And I got there and right, and everyone at halftime, they were just like talking about it so confused. Like, wait, is she a good witch? Is she a bad witch? I'm like, oh my God, she's a good witch. That's the whole plot of it. Dude, full grown adults. Like, one guy out loud goes, wait, who's the main character again? I was like, oh, for ****'s sake. Look at the pamphlet, work back from there. I believe in you, okay? Who are these people? They must get halfway through, I don't know, like the movie Home Alone and just be like, where's his parents? They're, oh, he's home alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's watching Finding Nemo. Like, who are they trying to locate again? Oh, Nemo. I was like, that's fine. They'll get it in the second act, right? Second act happens, big finale, standing ovation, curtains close. She's in fact a good witch. They literally sing about it. They're like, she's a good witch, yeah. It's not that on the nose, but they bring it up, right? Thank you so much, by the way. I did that in Swansea. I've never felt more judged in my entire life. I don't know what it is. You do something that's like 1% gay more than an hour out of a metropolitan city and every dude's like, what was that? I didn't like the way that made me feel. If you have traveled a long way to be here, go home and try it, boys. You might feel something. It's going to be you. You're going to try it. You nodding like, hell yeah, bro. Just you tonight, just popping your little pussy in the mirror. Girlfriend comes in, what are you doing? I was, oh, jerking off, shit. Anyway, she's a good witch, right? We're all walking out of the theater. She is, in fact, a good witch. I cannot stress this enough, right? And we're walking out of the theater and then I overhear this old woman and it just rings out throughout the theater, harlot of the trip. She just goes, oh, so the witch wasn't actually wicked? Why was she called the wicked witch of the west then? That's very misleading. It's been 15 and a half months and I think about her every day. There is not a day that goes by now where she doesn't cross my mind because now when anything isn't as it first seems, it's the only thing I can think about. The next day, there was a push door, but it said pull. And I was like, oh, so the pull wasn't actually a pull? Why does it say pull if it's actually a push then? That's very misleading. And now I can't stop doing it as well. Sometimes I'll combine the two. If something's a bit weird or shit, but also unexpected, I'll be like, oh, that was the most exciting. I could not stop doing these. Doesn't matter what time, place, situation. I'd be in the middle of the street. My girlfriend's like trying to, you know, get us to board a flight. I'm like, oh. And one lined up for me perfectly. A few days after we saw the musical, we had to fly to Scotland to do my first show of the tour that I was doing in Edinburgh, right? And I'd never tried KFC in the UK at this point. And I went to give it a go. So I was like, I walked in, and I don't know what it is about any Australian when we're overseas, but we just feel the pressure to ham up our Australian-ness for absolutely no reason. I walk into this Scottish KFC, just like, good, oh my, oh God. I'm riding a kangaroo. I'm wrestling a crocodile. And the guy behind the counter, he's like, you must be Australian. Except he sounded like Shrek. He was like, what are you doing in my KFC? And I was like, don't care, like so he could understand, you know? No, I don't. There's a language barrier. I don't speak Swamp. Anyway, I'm perusing this brand new menu. And we have an Australian menu item on our KFC called Wicked Wings, right? I was like, get out, mate. Do you guys have Wicked Wings? And the guy was like, do you mean Hot Wings? And I was like, no. And our conversation ended very abruptly. I know I went in there with the intention to try something new. As soon as it was presented to me, I was like, I don't like it, take it back. And it got to the point, I'm holding up the line. So my girlfriend has to do the ones where she leans over, she's like, okay, you need to make a decision for me, okay? This man's being very nice to you. So do you want to tell the nice man what you would like to order today? And I was like, I could probably do that. She's like, yeah, you want to be big, big, big boy for me? I'm like, I'm going to be the biggest boy. Full grown adult, I'm 27 years old, just standing there in a foreign KFC. There's a Scottish boy pointing at Hot Wings. And I was like, yeah, but they're not wicked though. So the guy realizes that if he doesn't convince me to get them, I'm just going to keep holding up the queues. So he's like, okay, so like they are Hot Wings. And I was like, and then he goes, no, no, scratch that. Okay, sorry. So they are like Wicked Wings. And I was like, yes, yes, right. So like they're Wicked Wings, but I guess you could say that our wings aren't actually that wicked. And I was like, oh, and my girlfriend goes, oh God, not here. And I was like, oh, so the wings aren't actually wicked? Why are they called Wicked Wings then? That's very misleading. Now we're not allowed to go out in public anymore. Because I can't be trusted. Now feel free to give it a go if you want. I know some of you will. Because people send me videos of them doing it now after the show. Whoever you've come to the show with tonight, it will just become a weird inside joke that no one else will understand. You'll forget about this. Like three weeks, you're going to go past and something will happen that you simply do not foresee. And you're going to turn to whoever the person is next to you and just be like, oh, and everyone else is going to be like, no. The guy packing the shelves at Tesco is going to be like, I don't feel safe. I'm going to go arrange a funeral at Co-op. All right, I'll tell you one more. I don't know why you guys know the punchline already. Very rarely does a comedian tell the audience the punchline. Do it three more times and then go run it again. But I'm pretty confident. A few days after the KFC incident, we were deciding when to eat again, my girlfriend and I. I was like, you can choose. And she's like, okay, what about Five Guys? Right, I was like, let's go, Five Guys. I'd never tried it at the time before. It was my first time here. I was like, Five Guys, let's do it. We walk in to the restaurant Five Guys and I walk up to the counter and I had a sneak peek back into the kitchen. I did a quick head count. I was like, one guy, two, three guys, four, five, six, seven and two pigeons on the floor for no reason. I was like, hey man, what can I get you? My girlfriend goes, don't you ******* dare. I look back at her, she's out the store. She's slapped. The guy's like, hey man, what can I get you? I was like, oh, let's go Five Guys. It was seven ******* guys in here. It was pretty misleading. I liked that you all knew it was coming. And I got to the end, you're just like, all right, pretty good. This is the rest of the show. Oh, no, wait, there's one more. I've got to tell you, my two favourite videos that I got sent from people in Australia when I told this story, right? I'll never forget it. So I did shows in a regional country town in Australia called Mildura, right? You absolutely shouldn't know where that is. And I did my shows on a Saturday night. This is all you need to know. They must have Sunday farmer's markets there because the next morning we were driving home and this is all I got from the video. There was a guy at the Sunday farmer's market that had a fruit and vegetable store and he had a crate that was clearly labelled broccolinis. But the crate was clearly selling mangoes. And it was so obvious that the boyfriend had asked his girlfriend to film it for him because it starts off with her going, and go. And the dude's just standing there on this like morning weatherman delay. Now, she's like, now, and he's like, oh. Then he commits to the whole thing. It's like 7am, right? It's in the middle of the market. There's mist around him. And he's just like, why does it say broccolinis? And there's mangoes in it. That's very misleading. There's like old people in the background doing their weekly shopping, just walking past. We all had a great giggle in the car. Like, love that. Great submission. 90 minutes later, I receive another video from a complete stranger. Almost identical video. Shot from a slightly different angle. Same fruit store. And all I can think of, the poor guy who ran the fruit shop must have been so confused. He's the first time who'd have been like, nah, that's weird. Hey, who would do that to my mangoes at 7am? All right? What a unique individual. And then, 90 minutes later, what happened again? When another dude walked past him, he's like, oh. He must have been like, get rid of the ******* mangoes. We need some broccolinis ASAP. This is embarrassing. You guys call them tender stems here, don't you? Broccolinis? Do you guys know what broccolinis are? What a waste of time this is, but we're gonna do it. Guys, give us a cheer if you're familiar with broccolinis. Give us a cheer if you just thought I said broccolis wrong. Too many people. And you guys all just were like, ah, **** it. Just let it go. All right, I might change that joke. It's too late now, I already said it. Okay, so there's this guy in a crate. It's clearly labeled, ten, what is it? Tender stem. Broccoli. I should just say broccoli. Why did I just say broccoli? Dude, I'm so dumb. I've been stressing about this for three weeks. I'm like, oh, do I say tender stem or broccoli? Dude, bro, oh, ****. Broccoli was there all along. But I'm trying to, I don't like to lie on stage. That's, you know, because otherwise that would have been like, oh. We're walking to go see Stonehenge. I'm excited. It's a good day. I'm pumped up, dude. It's a rock. Yeah. Would you come back? No, I won't be back. But it's once in a lifetime, hey. And people say that because you would never want to come back. What about you, Meg? Are you going to come back? I've been trying to face my fears recently. Does anyone have a weird fear that they're willing to share? Oh, yeah. How come? Scary. No, it's sauce. It's not. That's weird. Well, my fear, okay, we have time for one more. Does anyone else have a weird one? I mean, that's fair. That's, yeah. Because at least ketchup's not a pedophile. So that's a lot more reasonable fear. Is there a particular reason though? Which error? And be careful how you answer this. That's a pretty good way to answer it, actually. Yeah, you're like, it doesn't matter if you're black or white. So is it like, were you the baby that he dangled over there? Like, is there a reason? So what I just did. That is a weird fear actually, to be scared of someone that is no longer, you know. What, because he's like a zombie? Yeah, that's just in the thriller music video. It's not real. I hope you know that. The full moon comes out, you're like, oh, ****, he's coming. You close your bedroom door and he's just. Yeah, my fear is heights, right? Cannot stand it. Tried to face it. Well, I did face it last year. I went bungee jumping. Has anyone ever been bungee jumping? Yes. Do you remember what noise you made on the way down? Did you cum? What the? Oh my God, I'm falling. It's the most exciting. That's what happens, right? It's this involuntary response. So I started watching people jump off before me, which they tell you not to do. The most common one, scream. Some people swear, they'll jump off. I'm like, shit, shit, shit. My favourite one by far, is when people jump off and then they completely freeze up and they'll just be like. They'll just fall in pieces, very zen. And I was like, I wonder what my involuntary response to fear is going to be. I jumped off and I was so confident that I handed it like a champ that I didn't even watch the GoPro footage back until I showed my entire extended family three weeks later at Christmas lunch, right? And I got the video up and I gave a little speech. So cocky, I was like, guys, watch me conquer my biggest fear. Hit play on the space bar. Hey guys, I didn't handle it like a champ. When I jumped off, I just went. Some people scream, some people swear. I turned into a Nintendo character. My friend was at the top and just had to hear that fade into the wind. He thought I was singing 90s metal on the way down. He just heard. I thought I was getting down with gravity. Turns out I was getting down with the sickness. Hell yeah, four boyfriends love that joke. Well, you know what I realized before the show? I look like the L in Glee. I realized that 95% of my general knowledge is from bottle caps on beer. Now I know you don't have it here, so let me explain. So in Australia, we're so dumb. Like, you know how you guys get educated by supermarkets? We get educated by beer companies. They put little facts on the bottle cap. So when you're at a party and you like have a beer, you can learn something too. And it's got to the point where I'll be at an event and my friends just start regurgitating stuff I've also read on a beer once. And I'm like, that's the 90% of our adult education system. Which is bad, but it's not nearly as bad as the American education system. Because I've never been shot having a beer. How good's that, dude? Yeah. Are there any Americans in? Yep. Oh, my bad. Should have worn me vest. Half American. Huh? Most American, most of my family are. What did you say? Most American and most of my family are, but I was born here. You sound like it. You have the confidence of an American, but the accent of a Scouser. It's so... You might be genetically the most annoying c*** ever to exist on the planet. I'm sorry. When that was coming out I was like, this feels mean. So, yeah. We're all going to die soon. That's the thing. Been thinking about that. Who's excited for World War III? Yeah. Does anyone think they'd be good in the war if it ever happened? Oh, one guy. I love that. It's always a dude. And I know the reason. Is it because you grew up playing Call of Duty? Sorry? He's like, no, no, no, no, no. I'll be out there. There'll be Russian boats coming in. I'll be dressed as a fish. And they'll be like, oh my god, he's clean with it. He's wittily popping the gritty on the washing. Well, that's how you know your f***ing audience is from TikTok. Where you can hit a gritty and they're like, very good. Very good. That was great. Is anyone in the military? You cowards. No, I would never be either. Here's the thing. All my friends are like you. They all think they'd be good at war because they play video games, right? And it's like, dude, do you know how concerning that is? There are people right now in their mum's basement licking Dorito dust off their virgin fingers. Just nine hours into like Call of Duty. Even worse, Fortnite. And they're just being like, actually, I think I've got what it takes. It's like, dude, you can't even make eye contact with a femur. And you want to be a Navy SEAL? Like, you are simply not ready for that kind of confrontation, brother. I just think we should have to have a rule. You should have to get your dick sucked before you can shoot a gun, okay? You can't be walking around half cocked when you're half cocked, you know? They get a rude shock when they show up to war and it's nothing like the video game. They roll in and like the, you know, they got the headset on, right? You know, and then a real life bullet just whizzes over their head. And the general will be like, what did you think was going to happen? We're at war. And he'd be like, no, I thought he was going to call my mum fat or gay. That bullet was way more toxic. And I know a guy who served in the Middle East. What he said kind of attested to this video game thing. I was like, what do you do after like a day in the field? You know, when you get back to base, he's like, ah, honestly, we all just go back to our bunks and we play like Call of Duty for like five hours. And I was like, you're not done? That's crazy. Being like boys today, that village was all right. But imagine that without any UN laws. Let's ******* go. I don't think Novak Djokovic finishes a big down the court then goes home and plays Wii tennis. I wouldn't be good in the war. No one shocked him. He had no shit, dude. Um, yeah, all my friends, they started this in joke. Kind of started after the pandemic. We're at the pub and I think it happened here too. We realised in Australia there were two types of people. There's essential people and there's non-essential people. Right? And I don't know if you can guess which category I fell into, but someone coughed in 2020. I didn't work for a year and a half. And they think this time if we bring back conscription, we have to go to war. They think, they're like, this time you're not staying home, mate. You're going to work. They're like, we're staying home. We contribute. And I don't think I agree with them, but I don't think I'm going to be first battalion. First battalion, open micers and magicians. All right? Second battalion. Yeah, me, Jimmy Carr and Michael McIntyre. It's not particularly who you want defending your country, but it's who you're going to get, unfortunately. Just, you know, like they're like, all right, guys, everyone be stealthy, be quiet. We don't want to hear us coming. And Jimmy's just in the bush like, nevermind, he's in the show. Eat Jimmy Carr's daughters. Michael McIntyre just does some crowd work with the Russians. He's like, do you guys have any children? Look at me mocking someone 10 times more successful than me as I'm standing on a floor. I don't even have a stage. And I'm like, yeah, he talks pretty, yeah. I like your pubs in England. British pubs are the best because they have the best names. Spoons. Oh yeah, dude, yeah. Spoons is so sick. I tell all my friends about it at home. They're like, what's spoons like? I'm like, imagine if McDonald's was a pub. It never closes. It's packed on a Monday. Get in, dude. It's sick. We love it, man. It's so much fun. And yeah, I like the names of your pubs as well. Cause like you have good formats. You know, like the something arms format. That's a great pub name format. You know, come have a beer at the Grimbles Arms. The Crawleys Arms. The Make-A-Wish Kid with no arms. It's your culture, not mine. And I like that you have a little sub genre as well of cheeky, filthy British pub names. Sorry? Dirty Dicks. Yeah, I went there the other day in London. Yeah. I heard they do a really good cheese. Never seen a cohort of people so unanimously disappointed in that joke. My favourite type of pub name by far is when you just slap two random words on a wall and call it a pub. Like, you'll be like, it's the porridge and the goat. It's the Snorlax and the clit. Dude, we went to a pub in London the other day called the Dog and the Duck, right? I walked in there. No dogs, no ducks. And I was like, oh, one woofer, one quack. Ready to be eaten. I've been trying to think of good pub names for you. Tell me you wouldn't have a beer at the Queef and the Turd. There's something about it, I'm telling you. I'll take that. Thank you. What did you say? You're great. Oh, that's nice. Thank you. Just a weird, creepy way to compliment someone. You're great. And then just disappear into the shadow realm. Imagine if I just did the rest of the show from here. How was the Luke Kidger show? I don't know. I think it was a bit self-conscious. I'm behind the curtain like, do you guys know about the trees that smell like gum? I'm not great, am I? Where's my compliment, brother? We think we've just found the world-famous Oxford cookies. Yeah, world-famous cookies from Oxford, England. Freshly baked every day. Hello, how are you going? I have on good authority that these are world-famous cookies. That is... Oh, really? That is most exciting. Thank you so much. Have a great day. Some British biscuits, mate. Here goes. That is most exciting. All right, let's go. Oh, how many guys in there? That's still a head count. Oh, there's like 13. Very misleading. I'm leaving him. Cool transition. There's so much room for activity. I'm sorry. Hey Ben, I just came out the toilet and the horse is on me. That is true, actually. Oh, dang. That's awesome. That was amazing. I had so much fun. English crowd, that was fun. Thanks for watching. And I've started doing sound tests, but this has been the most fun of my life. All right, bye. I'm not just what I am. Me, every video at 27 a.m. Dude, what's wrong with these people? Ham, egg, and chips for dinner. Pan-fried calves, liver, and bacon. Nando's? Nando sounds sick. Alvin and the chipmunks went off. Christmas, Christmas time is here. Time for joy, then time for cheer. I can't wait till Meg watches this back and realizes that's not a chipmunk.