Anxiously Attached? How to Unfuck Yourself

letting go of someone a crush partner friend or even someone from a messy situationship can feel like losing a part of yourself for those with an anxious attachment style it's even harder your mind clings to the hope that things might work out leaving you walking on eggshells or spiraling into anxiety when they pull away but having an anxious attachment style isn't a flaw and it's definitely not your fault it was shaped by how love and care were shown to you as a kid often times as a result of trauma or some unmet emotional needs and honestly people with an anxious attachment style are often some of the most loving empathetic people out there I've been there and I've helped others move from anxious to secure attachment and guess what you can do it too in this video we'll explore why Letting Go feels impossible and guide you through practical steps to make it easier as a counselor at light of lights and a writer for Sight to go I guide individuals through the struggle of Letting Go and I've seen how attachment Styles shape relationships and the pain of moving on our approach isn't just about letting go of the person it starts with understanding why it feels so hard and showing you step by step how to break the cycle of overthinking idealization and fear of loneliness for example when you're obsessing over a crush or replaying every detail of a breakup it's easy to get stuck in a loop Why didn't they choose me what did I do wrong these questions can trap you in a cycle endlessly searching for clarity that might never come you are fixated on their good qualities and brush aside the red flags the thought of being without them triggers fears like no one will ever understand me like they did or I'll never find this kind of connection again these fears can make letting go feel like you're losing your shot at happiness that you'll never find someone like them again all these and more only strength than the anxious attachment making it even harder to let go but this isn't your fault you can shift from this state to feeling secure at peace and more confident in your ability to love and be loved this advice comes from professional expertise and evidence-based strategies how to heal and let go step by step confront the fantasy imagine holding on to a person not for who they really are but for the person you wish they were this was the case for Tara Tara had built this perfect image of him in her mind focusing on his kindness and ignoring his inconsistencies and wickedness I encouraged her to write down everything she idealized about him his best traits and kind moments she recalled how he bought her flowers on her birthday and surprised her with thoughtful gifts on special occasions next we compared these positive moments with the times he was inconsistent dismissive or unavailable Tara noticed a pattern he always showed up late to her events without apologizing making her feel unimportant when she expressed her feelings he dismissed her as too sensitive even after making hurtful comments this exercise helped Tera see the gap between her fantasy and reality she realized she wasn't holding on to him but an illusion of who she wanted him to be a study in cognitive therapy and research shows that people who face the truth about their relationships are 40% more likely to feel closure for terara this was the first step toward healing so if you're struggling to let go write down the positive thoughts you have about the person and then make a second list of ways the relationship or crush or friendship didn't meet your needs seeing the contrast can help you break free from the illusion if you're finding this helpful don't forget to like subscribe and hit the notification Bell for more updates address the root of fear and self-limiting beliefs Tara's next challenge was facing her fear of inadequacy she believed that if this person didn't want her it meant she was inadequate or unlovable but by holding on to a relationship that was destroying her Tera was disrespecting herself to help her ReDiscover her worth I asked her to list evidence that she was enough she wrote down how her friends sought her advice and thanked her for being a great listener how her boss praised her efficiency and gave gave her a raise and how she overcame tough situations like finishing a demanding project Under Pressure this exercise helped tery that her value wasn't tied to this relationship or rejection in general you can do the same ask yourself what am I afraid this says about me then write down evidence that disproves it for example if your fear is no one values me think about the little ways people show they care does someone often tag you in funny memes or videos this isn't just random it's their way of saying hey I thought of you if your fear is I'm bad at relationships recall those moments you've resolved misunderstandings like apologizing and becoming closer because of it one field relationship does not define you studies in self and identity showed that people who practice this form of self-compassion while moving on feel better within 2 weeks compared to those who don't so don't be so hard on yourself do you feel you'll never find love again confront it with real life examples of moments you felt loved and fulfilled outside of this relationship either through loved ones or accomplishments you're worthy of love and connection with or without them limit contact and triggers the hardest part for Tara was limiting contact she was constantly checking his social media rereading old messages and waiting for him to reach out every notification sparked false hope we worked on setting clear boundaries she unfollowed him muted his updates and stopped engaging in one-sided conversations we knew it would be difficult based on tera's past attempt so we agreed to break down the goal into a shorter time frame so instead of being burdened with the seemingly impossible task of going no contact forever she focused on going no contact for a week one evening while I was on a call with another client I received a message from terara I did it I completed the task you gave me she said she confessed how hard it was I cried multiple times but I went back to what you said and what I had written down plus I speak my mantras every day she wrote the joy and excitement of letting go for one week was a powerful motivation for the next week and the week after that this helped her focus on herself and break the cycle a study in cyber psychology behavior and social networking found that limiting exposure to someone you're trying to move on from can significantly reduce emotional distress so unfollow mute or block if needed don't rationalize it let yourself grieve the grieving process wasn't easy and she felt like she was failing at times but I reminded her that grieving is part of healing and letting go is about acceptance I suggested that she write a letter to him not to send but to express everything she had been holding in after writing them she chose to let go of them symbolically by tearing them up according to the Journal of experimental psychology writing letters or performing symbolic closure rituals have been shown to reduce lingering grief and promote emotional recovery so consider the letter technique write a letter to the person you're struggling to let go of pour out all of your thoughts and feelings then decide on the way to release it tear it up burn it or even bear it the act of grieving allows you to process your feelings instead of suppressing them resist being so critical on yourself as Tara continued her healing Journey she noticed a harsh critical voice in her head telling her that she was foolish for holding on for so long it was the same voice that had made her feel unworthy in the past Dara gradually learned how to observe that voice without judgment and call it out when it tried to make her feel bad about herself in time Tara realized she didn't have to believe everything that negative voice said observe the critical Voice without judgment predict when it'll show up and start calling it out replace it with positive selft talk a study in cognitive behavioral therapy shows that the more you understand and question your inner critic the less power it has over you the less self-critical you are the more your self-esteem grows practice self-balance validation to curtail the effect of the harsh critical voice we worked on starting a self validation journal every day she highlighted the things she was proud of small wins or things she was grateful for this reinforced her self-worth without needing validation from others there will be days when you feel triggered to reconnect if you're tempted to text them because you miss them write in your Journal instead it helps you express your emotions without crossing your boundaries for example I feel anxious today because I haven't heard from them but I have to honor my decision I'm proud of how far I have come build a new identity over time Tara began to realize how much she had lost sight of who she was outside of the relationship I helped her understand that this realization was a huge sign of healing because there was a period when she didn't even realize it it means her usual self is now closer than ever we worked on rediscovering what made her feel fulfilled her Hobbies passions and goals she took up painting again something she had given up because she felt like it didn't matter to him to let go you've got to reconnect with who you are without them try something new skydiving joining a class volunteering or reconnecting with old friends to remind you of how you used to be if you gave up drawing gyming or Sports because your ex didn't share your interests pick up a paintbrush watch a sports game or hit the gym again studies show that rediscovering your own interests helps you regain your Independence and remember your worth you've not lost your potential go for therapy therapy can enhance the steps we've discussed you get to dig deep into where your anxious attachment comes from whether it's tied to past trauma unmet needs or learned patterns and be guided toward healing your anxious attach will likely manifest during therapy which means you can work on it in real time with professional support additionally it's an opportunity to identify and break unhealthy habits before they spill over into new relationships in Tara's case she gradually developed healthier coping strategies she rediscovered her worth which made her more confident in navigating relationships if you notice that being with a particular person constantly triggers your anxiety despite your progress therapy can help you recognize this is a sign they might not be the right fit with a therapist guidance you'll develop the tools to choose Partners who align with the secure healthy connections you deserve so investing in therapy is investing in yourself and it's so worth it as you let go remember that every step is an act of self-love Tara's story is proof that healing is possible and so is the love and connection you truly deserve yes healing takes time but it's worth it so keep going you're doing better than you think do any of these steps resonate with you we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments now that you know how to let go discover why it could be the best decision for you watch this video to learn more