Rich Aronovich - The Artist (Full Comedy Special)

I haven't done anything yet. Hello, New York. So good to be here. Everyone thinks I'm from New York. I don't know why! I actually grew up in the South. I don't know. Yes, there's some Southerners here. Where in Texas? Forney? You're from a place called Forney? Because there's four people that live there. So they just named it Forney. Wow. Well, I grew up in New Orleans, so I'm better than you, yes. But I've become a New Yorker. I remember years ago when I moved here, I got off the subway and I saw a guy muttering to himself. And it scared me. And I caught my reflection just now, and I'm the guy muttering to myself. Because that's what the city does to you. It gets inside you. It wears on you. I lose all patience and tolerance. To the point, like, if people don't behave in the way I think they should, my mind wishes diseases on them. Like, I'm not proud of this. I'm just being honest. Like, I held the door for someone upstairs. They didn't say thank you. My next thought was rickets. Like, it's... And then there was this girl on speakerphone in public. I'm like, you don't have headphones, botulism? And her voice, her voice, she's like, oh, my God. Like, I, like, literally am, like, starving. I'm, like, literally gonna die of hunger. Like, I'm literally literate, so I literally read literature, but, like, I literally eat a chopstick at a time. I'm like, more chlamydia. Because that's a choice, right? That's not a natural way of speaking. There's no baby that's born, like, wah, like, wah, totally, wah. I want my bottle, daddy. And make it almond milk. I'm a non-pescetarian vegetarian ba-ba. Like, you... You have to train yourself to sound like a creaking dog. Like, I get geographical accents. If you're like, hey, right now, you got to get north of that light, you know what I mean? You're from England, or if you're like, hey, bro, you like the Dodgers? That's what's up. You know, you're from East L.A., or if you're like, hey, baby, my girl wants to see me, baby. You know, you're from Florida. I get it. But where is this accent from? Is there, like, an island called Privilege? Like, I... It's an unemployable accent. You're not going to go to medical school if you talk like that. Can you imagine you're a dermatologist? I got your test results back. And you're like, negative. But, like, in a positive way. So you don't have psoriasis. That's literally a scandal, guys. I remember the day I became a New Yorker. This made the news. Do you guys remember when the plane skidded off a runway, went through a fence at LaGuardia? Do you remember this? This happened at my gate. I saw this with my own two eyes. I was gazing off. I wasn't, like, paying attention. All of a sudden, I see a plane land, and it hits the runway and makes a sharp left turn and goes right through a fence. And I remember this was the day I became a New Yorker because all I thought was, This is really going to inconvenience me. Yeah, I was going to visit my uncle up north where I was born. I was actually born in Canada. Oh, I only lived there ten months. We don't have a connection. And I waited to become a citizen right before the 2016 election. You know, just in time. Some of you will get that joke. You're great people. We love the people in Florida, the great people. You're doing so many good things for comedy, folks. We're making comedy great again. We're filming a special. It's going to be so huge. So huge. It's going to go to Netflix or Hulu, maybe even LinkedIn. We don't know. Some of you are laughing. Some of you are like, He'll be back. My taxes. I, um... Can you imagine if he actually goes to jail? And if he actually goes to jail, he's going to have a cellmate who's going to try to do jail things to him. You know what I mean? He's looking in the mirror like, You're a great guy. Things for our country, not like Obama. You're very rude. You're tough. You're a big problem. Wrong. It's a cock. I thought you were giving me the Mitch McConnell just now. To become a citizen, if you don't know the process. Sorry, Canada. Process. The first thing they do is they quiz you. They ask you about history of the country, how government works. And because I grew up here, I didn't know any of the answers. So I go to take the test. And I study, because you've got to get 60% right. I'm nervous. And I walk in the room. It's just me and this adorable little lady. And she doesn't say like, Hi, hello. She just starts firing off questions. But here's the thing. She had such a thick accent, I didn't understand a word she was saying. She said, Okay, a bonus question. If the President of the United States and the Vice President of the United States somehow become President of the United States, I was like, Oh, no, no, no, no. I want to become an American. Some of you are laughing. Some of you are from Brooklyn. If you don't know Brooklyn, it's a lot of people like, I'm upset. You look like gluten. Like they're not. I just did a show. What's that part of Brooklyn called? Whole Foods Brooklyn. And they weren't there to have a good time. Like you guys are here for it. They were there to like blog about my toxic masculinity. I'm like, first of all, do I have any masculinity? I mean, you should see me without a shirt on. I look like I'm in my third trimester. Like it's not good. I identify as fat. Well, trans fat. So I just, I offended him right away. I didn't mean to. I was like, hey, how you guys doing tonight? This person was like, I don't identify as a guy. I'm like, I'm sorry. How are you humans doing tonight? Like the word man is right in there. I'm like, oh my gosh. I'm going to lose this game and become homeless. They're like, I'm housed. I'm like, I quit. Because please understand, all I'm trying to do here is bring us together by laughing at each other, with each other, through the eyes of love. I'm not here to offend you. I'm not here to upset you. I'm here to entertain you, but I don't know what the rules are. They keep changing on us. I did jokes before the pandemic. I'll explain that to you after, Texas. I did jokes. I did jokes after and people were pissed. I did that show, this person goes, can we talk? Which was like, oh, never good. It's never like, I enjoyed the structure of your joke. Like this was, I was upset by some of the things you said and by the way, I'm non-binary. I was like, uh, yeah, I hate Bitcoin too. Oh, you think I'm the FTX guy with a mustache. That's hilarious. When did Kramer and Borat have a kid? I... You like my job. You're nice. You look so uncomfortable. Put down your purse. Did I model for every pizza box in this city? Pizza's a big deal in New York. I mean, it's bread and cheese, relax. Other parts of the country, they're proud of the food. Like, what are you guys proud of in Texas? Your barbecue and your meth. Yeah, but... We have some of the low-fat organic meth. It's wonderful. But, uh, yeah. I have a friend, he said, when I first moved to New York, he said, you want to find good pizza, go, here's the key. You got to look for Italians. I was like, well, how do you find Italians? He goes, it's easy. Just look for people that talk with their hands. I'm like, alright. So I'm in a neighborhood, I don't know, and I see these two guys. Look at the ******* guy over here. I'm like, oh, they must be... Hey Tony, look at the ******* guy over here. But it turns out they weren't Italian. It turns out they were deaf. But I didn't, I didn't know. Don't come up to me after the show. Um, can I... Can I talk to you about some of your jokes? That one's really offensive to deaf people. Like, first of all, no deaf person's ever heard me tell that joke. Now, my friend is from Staten Island. If you don't know Staten Island, said no one ever. Okay, you guys live in Staten... Okay, so, alright. You don't live in Staten... Say what? Okay, alright. Just do me a favor. Repeat after me. Alright, so... Okay, so I have a... He's like you. Okay, so my friend... So if you don't know Staten Island, it was a garbage dump. It was literally garbage, right? And people paved it. Yeah. And they moved there and they're exactly what you think they would be. Which, listen, to be honest, there's a lot of homophobia there, which is perfect that the only way to get there is by ferry. But... You know, it's a lot of guys that are like, hey, what are you looking at? No, no, no, what are you looking at? What are you looking... Oh, wait, it's a mirror. So my friend, he goes, I'm gonna take you to my place. Like, alright. So I don't like the place. It has nothing to do with the pizza. The guy, in the middle of taking my order, he answers the phone. That's not my problem. My problem is, we're at an Italian pizza place and he's speaking Arabic. It's a fascinating language. It just kind of sounds like your moves, all the consonants. Then he downshifts into French, the most overrated language on the planet. Now, I know if there's someone here who's French and there's some kind of conflict, you won't get involved. But it's a dumb language. You want to speak French, all you have to do is make like a stupid face at the end of your sentence. You're speaking French. Literally twist your nipple. You're French. So I asked him, I go, hey dude, what's your background? I like to know what people are so I can celebrate them by making fun of them. So I asked him and he got shady and answered the question like, what are you? He's like, I'm Persian. You're Persian? What are you, a rug? I don't understand. Oh, you're Persian. I get it. You're Iranian. Just be Iranian. Don't be afraid that I'm afraid of you. Persian, what's with this biblical reference? Can you show me Persia on a map, Xerxes? I don't think it exists. I don't see other groups. Hey, this is my friend. He's not from Turkey. He's from the Ottoman Empire. Where my Byzantines at? Mesopotamians in the house. You know what I mean? Just be proud of who you are. Like I'm Jewish and I call myself landlord. You know what I'm saying? Any other Jewish folks here? Any Jewish folks? It's too hot, I know. It's too cold, I know. It's too loud, I know. It's not loud enough. You called your complaints in ahead of time. I don't know how you did that. What's wrong? The ice cubes are frozen? Yeah, Jewish from New Orleans. Does this make sense why I'm up here? Yeah, I grew up eating kosher jambalaya and matzo ball gumbo. Anyways. But there's all kinds of Jews. Like I'm Jewish and then there's like Jewish. And then they have like the super... Have you seen the super Jews? The super Jews, right? With the curlicues and the big hats. So listen, listen. I was behind one. Listen. I was behind one at the airport. And I had to know. So quietly, I lifted up the hat and looked underneath and there's a shorter Jew in a hat. It just keeps going. It's like the Russian dolls but they call it the Ashkenazi dolls. I didn't understand that. And ends in a little tiny Jew eating a little piece of bacon. Like little Rabbi Raccoon. You know why Jews don't eat bacon, right? Because it's delicious. And you can't send back delicious. There's 18 Jews in this room. 19, 19. And I know it's not a great time to be Jewish. I know it's not, you know, there's a lot of stuff going on. I've experienced anti-Semitism recently. I went to Corpus Christi which is in Texas. And Corpus Christi literally it's named after the body of Christ which made sense to me as soon as I got off the plane. Because all I kept thinking was Jesus Christ. That guy's belt buckle says belt buckle, you know. Cause he forget. Like it was Like they don't open their mouths when they talk. They look like ventriloquists without the dummies. You ever talk to a real Southerner? Look at the guy here look at that horse hanging free up there. Look at that hair up there. Where's the puppet? When did the show start? Are we on a cruise? But something terrible happened. I went into the bathroom and someone had scribbled on the bathroom wall really big KKK. And as a Jew as a Jew I'm thinking to myself 1,000 2,000 3,000 I never counted that high. And I've experienced it. I've experienced it as a kid. I was in Hankville, Georgia right outside of Lynchburg, Virginia one time. And we were there was like a Walmart with like a greeter slash bouncer. And I could tell this guy didn't like me cause we walked in he was like That's male Judaism. And then he asked me this question. He goes, why did you kill Jesus? Me? I'm 13 years old, mister. I just had my bar mitzvah. You know the ceremony where we get inducted into manhood and then we bathe in the blood of little Christian baby children while figuring out how to take over the banks and the media. And then we get checks for $18. You know that ceremony? You guys know that's not true, right? That's a joke. Some of you are like I knew it. There's a lot of antisemitism that is based on mistruths. The Jews did not kill Jesus. In fact, the Pope you know the Pope the head the president the grand wizard of the Catholic church it took him it took till 2011 2011 to say that is not true. Imagine that after many years people said they did they turn around they said they did not. If you think about it it's almost like in the National Football League in the NFL when they overturned the call. Think about it the Vatican comes out it's like after further review personal foul illegal crucifixion by the Romans automatic first most of you laugh some of you put on your religious face. I was taught not to laugh at this. Even the Germans are laughing. You guys are known for your humor. Two Jews walk into a ball we burn down the ball. That's from 1933 to 1945. One got away. I feel so much better I feel so much better. You're crying from the comedy you're literally tears from the comedy I call that clown cum. Why are you shaking your head? You're so uncomfortable where do you live? You live in Brooklyn makes sense that checks out. That totally checks out. I have ADHD which is just ADD and high deaf. How can I explain an ADHD brain? It's like I walk into a room and I'm concussed I have no idea why I'm there. It's like being the president. Stairs. Anyways. Bicycle. The only advantage is I'm great in bed I last forever. I get distracted I'm like oh yeah who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? D-A-D-D-Y Y-M-C-A I'm gonna take you to the Y-M-C-A-A I gotta pay my triple A bill. I gotta pay my triple A bill. Oh my god triple A baseball hey bada bada swing bada I learned a lot of useless information in college. America and Canada had a war in 1812. Anyways. And because of my brain I was never a good student. It wasn't that I wasn't a good student I was a comedian without a microphone does that make sense? And I grew up I was in the public school system in Louisiana and if you don't know that they have a thing called parent teacher conference. And this is where the parents and teachers get together and they shame the kids and turn them into alcoholics and cutters. Now I had one teacher that liked me and to this day it's the reason I feel most comfortable around black women. Because she made because every teacher could not wait to crap on me. They couldn't wait to make me feel bad. I'd walk up to my parents your son is a bad kid. Shame. He's really disruptive. Shame. He asks really great history questions. Too bad I teach algebra. Shame. You know your son farts happy birthday under his arm. Yeah that's called talent I don't keep that to myself. And then we'd walk into Mrs. White's class and she was this beautiful black teacher and you know the type when she walks you you kind of smell church behind her. And she would light up she would get happy energy would shift and she said your son is not a good student but he's funny he's different he's going to be somebody. And she gave me the courage to do this and sometimes I can hear her voice. When I'm in like moments of crisis do you guys like voices in your head? I'm not talking weird like touch a midget but just like little voices. Finger a turtle like nothing creepy. It's all negative all day long. You're not enough. He'll die alone. You don't make enough money. And then I hear her voice ooh you gonna be okay baby. And then I thought what if that's the voice of God? Like that makes sense to me. God is a black woman. How much nicer would the Ten Commandments have? Right now they're so angry. Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not steal. Black woman you don't gotta kill nobody baby. You don't gotta steal Girl you look tired take Sunday off. Okay. Now the title of that joke is God is a black woman. If you didn't laugh either you're racist or woke either way you shouldn't be here. And by the way I'm afraid of both of those groups for different reasons. Might lose my job might lose my life. But I'm definitely I love this job. I love the only thing about this job I don't love is travel. It's I like going to places but I'm sick here's the problem I'm sick of the service animal scam. You know the difference. Like if you need a service animal I'm on board. Like I'm not a monster I never like mock the deaf. But like but if if the only service is you don't want to pay that money I can't do it. I'm checking a bag and JFK and I hear this noise I'm like what is is there an air conditioning problem? What is that? And I look down and this thing is flat on the ground having a hard time breathing. And I don't have a good poker face I'm like you misspelled service and crayon on that vest. And the woman sees me she's like what? That's my service dog. I'm like well your service dog needs a service dog. That thing can neither breathe nor stand what the hell kind of dog is it? And proudly she goes half chihuahua half pitbull like I'm the asshole. Did you hear the words that just left my face? Half chihuahua half pitbull. I go that's not a dog that's a crime scene. That's the product of some doggy sexual assault. What kind of dog is it? A Harvey Chewinesteed or a Cosby Doodle? Like what are you going to name that dog? Arf arf arf Kelly? Yes, I agree. I agree. It's a perfect joke I agree. It's clever it makes fun of the creeps. And by the way you know I am a creep. I didn't realize I was a creep until I got upgraded on that plane to first class and then I'm like I'm sitting there and everyone apparently got a memo to wear yoga pants which I mean if you want to wear yoga wear yoga pants I'm not telling you not to but it does something to my libido where I sound like a bear I'm like yoga pants yoga pants because I can see everything I'm like she's wearing underwear she's not wearing underwear she's a Libra like I can see it all. So you know what I do I go to therapy I want to decreep I want to be a better man for my sons and we discovered that there was some childhood trauma in my formative years at five years old I'm old enough to remember when there was this invention called a telephone people used to talk on it and I was home alone sometimes and we had an easy number and this dude rang our house and I'm like yes sir and he rang back and he rang and rang and eventually we developed an inappropriate relationship because he started explaining sexual stuff to me at five years old which has affected me because now when I get a call from an unknown number I cum so you like that joke right? I thought I recognized your voice it's so funny because sometimes I do dirty jokes and I look out in the audience and I see older people and I'm like oh I shouldn't do that which makes no sense that's a dumb prejudice like let's be honest older people have been doing it longer than anybody else what they didn't have oral in the 20s? yeah she she was a name a bra and a skirt and she could suck the tickle of a jello yeah now get on your knees and suck it copper so you guys have been married how long? how do you keep it fresh 27 years what's your secret? show up that's it and a naughty drawer a lot of batteries got it you got a naughty yes you do you got a naughty yeah you do you got two look at that I called it yeah you do you know what happens you sit in that top drawer all you hear is shut to the heart Living la vida loca it's a rabbit but it ain't pickin' up no field mice what kind of porn you like? There's all kinds of porn. Any kinds? You like, you like 70s porn? I'm not talking weird like, who's your granddaddy? Who's your granddaddy? Are we playing Canasta? No, I mean like the year 1970, right? Where my mustache is in style, my hair makes sense. And there were only two jobs available from 1970 to 1989. They were either cleaning a pool or delivering a pizza. Those are the only two jobs available. Look at my friend. Those porn stars are taking our jobs. And then what happens? They ring the bell and five minutes later, all you see is, because I'm an artist. Just the ladies. Come on. What do you want? 2024 porn? You guys have been absolutely phenomenal. My name is Rich Aronovich. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Yes, you were the crowd. That was so great. Thank you.