Long Term Married Women Share; What's The Key To A Lasting Relationship - Must Watch

Seriously, how did you all start off your relationships? Like I really want to hear from married women who are in happy relationships, healthy relationships. Like what has been the key to you staying happy? Hey beautiful people. How you all doing today? It's your girl Destiny here and welcome to my channel. How you all doing? Hope you guys are doing great. So today's video is a sister coming to ask married women to come speak up and tell them how they've been able to stick and stay with your marriage and make and still be happy in their marriage. And she wanted to talk about how being married and how, yes, the internet, we have a lot of people talking about the negative side of marriage, which I did a video recently and a lot of you guys are like, well Destiny would like to see the happy one. Okay, yeah. So the happily married ones now are sharing with you guys how they are able to be happy in their marriage. And she wanted to talk about you have to be married for a certain number of years and all that. So for me, I'm super excited because you guys know I've been married for 11 years each. This year to be 12. Okay. And I've known my husband for over 21 years. So I feel like I have some gems to drop because honestly, I've been the happiest I've been in my life. Now this moment, like I can't even, I can't even, I can't even change that in my life because I'm genuinely happy. So I'm going to share with you guys some of the things I do that makes me happy in my marriage and generally in my life that just make me happy. And you guys said, Destiny, you're glowing. Some of the secret there. Okay. So anyway, guys, let's go check out the sisters questions, people's response to it. And then I'll come back and share my thoughts. But let me know if you're married, if you're happily married, how long have you been married? And what are the things that you think that you do and advice that keeps you grounded and makes you happy in your marriage? Anyway, guys, let's go check out this video and then we'll come back and talk more. If you have been happily married for more than five years, please step to the front of the classroom. It dawned on me that I don't hear from enough married women. And maybe that is the key to your happiness is that we don't hear from you because you're somewhere being happy. But sister, we want to know, what's the key? Seriously, how did you all start off your relationships? Like, I really want to hear from married women who are in happy relationships, healthy relationships. Like, what has been the key to you staying happy? Because as a grown up woman myself, I know that it's not all about the man. It is absolutely not all about the man. It is more so about yourself. And as a single girl, I want to know, what are y'all doing to keep yourselves happy and keeping your marriages happy and keeping your marriages whole? Because I don't want to hear from no more microphone lunchkins. I really don't. If you have not been married for an extended period of time and you're not in a happy, whole, healthy relationship, bi-directional relationship with your partner, please don't talk no more. Please put the microphone down. Please give us the real tea and not the Instagram tea. We want to know really what's up, okay? What do we need to be doing better? Thank you. If you have been happily married for more than five years, please step to the front of the classroom. It dawned on me that I was saying not making my entire personality about marriage really has helped sustain my marriage. The real master key for me was finding someone who would pour into me as much as they would pour into the relationship. And let me tell you one thing about respect. Love is easier to find than respect. One of my mutuals actually mentioned this. You want to marry your friend, first and foremost. A friend being someone who you love and you respect. And I say friendship is important in marriage because marriage isn't always romantic. There are times where the romance gets lost. And if you've got a good teammate and a good friend, then you will be both hellbent in getting it back again. For example, when you have a newborn baby and you're not feeling the most sexiest, you want a partner that looks at you and says, I see you and I see what you're going through. Am I going to be okay? Because I'm in it with you. For context, I have been married seven years. This year, I got married quite young at 25. My husband is also white. So we have the added complexity of being in an interracial relationship. But there are a few things that helped with that in the fact that we took our time. We had to get married. We were together for six years before we got married. And also he's only ever been with me. So he's all the black women there's all these other guys. More importantly, I married someone who was my peace. He brings me peace. He brings me ease. And I married someone who was generous in his heart, in every capacity. And I think that that really helps. And it's helped me be a more generous and a more peaceful person. So if I had any advice, I would say pick well or don't pick at all. Love yourself first and continue to love yourself whilst you're in a marriage. And ultimately your marriage will grow in that love as long as you respect each other. If you have been happily married for more than five years, please step to the front of the class. All right, so I've been married almost nine years and I've definitely learned a lot in that time. So I made my top three things that I've learned. Number one, my mom tried to tell me in the beginning but I did not listen and I had to learn my own. And that was picking and choosing my battles. So I went through this thing where I felt like if it wasn't my way, it wasn't the right way. And that caused a lot of friction in the beginning because I would get frustrated. He would get frustrated. Sometimes he was right. Sometimes he was wrong. So I had to choose whether or not it was important enough to me to just let it go or to move ahead and address it. Number two, if you plan on having children, that clip when Michelle was like, she hated Obama for a good 10 years was factual, okay? So if you plan on having children, there is a time where you will miss each other but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Like you just have to get through that rough patch where your priorities change. Like you have another human being that is gonna come first and like you have to figure out how to maneuver around that. But as time goes on, you will make it back to each other. And number three was do not lose yourself in your roles. Yes, you are a mom. Yes, you are a wife, but you are also you. So you don't want there to be a time where you have a day to yourself and you don't even know what to do. You don't even know what you like to do anymore. So always keep self in mind. Do not lose yourself to the role of mom and wife because you're still you. If you have been happily married for more than five years, please step to the front of the classroom. It don't mean that I'm- Ooh, me. I wanna talk. I wanna tell you because 12 years, four kids, we have a really good marriage. And I don't just mean like, oh, we tolerate each other. I mean, we enjoy our marriage. So I'm gonna do this in a couple parts because it's just so much to say. The first thing I'm gonna say is kind of controversial. Just follow me, okay? First of all, do not let that man take years and years of your life before you get married because you're gonna start your marriage with bitterness, resentment, and anger. Do not let that happen. Give him six months to a year to figure out if that's- really you, if that's what you want. And after that, next, okay? If you don't know what you want, you know, my mom used to be like, crap or get off the pot. And that's really like how I felt about marriage. We got married in six months. Don't do it if you can't handle it. Don't do it. But it allowed for us to really kind of go through the hard parts of marriage, like getting to know each other like more intimately while we were still in the honeymoon phase. And what I mean by that is when he started to do irritating things, my love for him was at an all time high as far as like my fresh experience with him. So when he left his clothes by the bed or when I didn't fill the laundry the way that he liked or when we had to talk about hard things like finances and purchasing a house, there was a lot of like joy still like wrapped up and cocooned around us. So those hard things became easier to manage. So that's my first bit of advice. Do not let a man make you his live-in girlfriend, live-in wifey, none of that kind of stuff. Just know what you want and don't settle for less. That's the first thing. Because in the end, you will anger yourself and him by marrying a man that you waited for. Do not wait for him. If you have been happily married for more than five years, please step to the front of the classroom. Somebody finally called my name. Girl, get a pencil. Marriage has been overcomplicated, okay? My husband and I have been together in a relationship for 13 years. We've been married, this is our eighth year coming up in October. And there have been, so we met at 14. Let me start there. We met on the first day of school in ninth grade high school. And there were so many things that went into our relationship that just pinpointing one secret or one thing that allowed us to have a happy marriage is very difficult because we have over a decade of lessons, of stories, of trials and tribulations. But the one thing that I can say is there is going to be a long stage of your marriage. And a lot of people call that the honeymoon phase. And a lot of people like to capitalize on the honeymoon phase because they feel like that's when the marriage is the best. It's not. That's when you're still in delusion. You're still delusional about what marriage is during the honeymoon phase because everything is new. Everything is fresh. Everything is exciting. You got your man. Your man got their woman. Everybody's just still trying to feel out what it means to be attached to another human being. The honeymoon phase is just delusional phase. Okay, let's stop calling it honeymoon. It's delusion. After the honeymoon phase, the delusional phase, it's real life. Now you are not in play play mode. Now you're in live mode. Now y'all are really married. Now this is when the fun and the work and all of these things begin. Excuse my hair. It's going through some things right now. Okay, but anyways, this is now when it is in live mode and some people's honeymoon phase can skip out early. Some people's honeymoon phase can last a year. Some people's honeymoon phase or delusional phase can last a few weeks. Just depends on how you start your relationship and go into your marriage. Okay, because some people start their marriages really soon, really quickly because they met quickly. They dated in six months. They got married or they had kids and they had to rush and get married. Whatever the case is, how you start your marriage, it determines how long your delusional phase is. Okay, now we're done with the delusional phase. It's real world. You are going to go through a phase in your marriage where you are trying to figure out how did your mama raise you and how did your mama raise you? And what I mean by that is you're going to figure out your partner's tolerances. You're going to have to go through the kinks of, okay, well, he don't always put the seat down. Okay, he's not really that clean or she don't really clean the way that I thought that she did. Her own self. She's really messy. She's really emotional. Okay, around the time of the month, she's a little bit more of a dragon because I have to see her full time. I'm around her 24-7 now. I'm not just seeing her on date nights or when she doesn't have her cycle. Now I got to see her full time. So for me personally, that is the time that you get to decide, okay, what did I get myself into? Is this worth it? Okay, and that live mode and that learning each other phase, it feels like hell. It feels like I don't know who I married. It's not that you don't know who you married. It's just you're figuring out how you guys can become a team, how you're going to work together to finish your marriage out strong, to continue the narrative of happy spouse, happy house, okay? So you work all that out. You finally reach over that hurdle and not many people make it over that hurdle. That's why you see people married and divorced within a year, two years, whatever have you. Because when we get in live mode, that's the part where it starts to get finicky. It starts to get a little bit troubling. It starts to get a little bit trying. Those tests start testing. The nerves start nerving and you have to find your why on why that person is your person. And now me and my husband have gone through all of that because we lived together before we got married, okay? We were in college living together. We were just dating and then we were in college not dating and we were still, you know, smashing and passing, okay? We was having a good time and we got to endure many phases of each other's lives single, but we were still together. If that makes sense, we were still knowing each other. We were still in communication, but we were not outwardly, publicly in a relationship. But as we always state, we had an understanding since we met on the first day of school that we were going to be in each other's lives and be married. We just didn't put a time framing or a timestamp on it. So let's fast forward to now. It wasn't up until three, going on three years ago that our marriage became happy, that our marriage became bliss, that our marriage compared to what most people know to be marriages became deemed as perfect. And I'm not talking about what you see perfect because we don't have our own place. We're staying with family until we can relocate to where we want to be, which is California. So on paper, it looks like, oh, well, you guys are still figuring out life. No, but we've found the secret to keeping yourself and your marriage afloat, no matter what your environment is. And that's the secret. It's finding your rhythm together. No matter what goes on around you, it doesn't phase your marriage. You won't turn on each other. You'll still love each other at the end of the night, even if you have disagreements during the day or a different position than your partner on a common topic or a discussion. When you found that secret space, that soft space for each other, where we know that anything that we say is in love and we govern ourselves to only say things in love, we're not going below the belt. We're not taking cheap jabs. We're not doing any of that stuff. We literally lead everything that we do, our acts of service, our kindness, our words. Everything is rooted in love. It's rooted in authenticity. It's no malicious intent. When you have come to that sweet point where all of this out here does not affect what y'all have built internally, oh my gosh, that's when marriage gets fun because it can be hell and high water. There could be a tornado going around, an earthquake around us, and it doesn't affect our marriage because we know how to communicate with each other when our outside environment gets crazy. We know how to still love each other at the end of the day when we've disagreed on multiple topics because we understand that we're not disagreeing with you and calling you out as a person. We just see something different based on our beliefs, based on our past experiences, based on our past environments and how we've had to form beliefs to keep our individual selves afloat. All of that to say, you have to establish individuality within your marriage and respect that individuality because yes, you are a married couple, but you're two different people. Y'all's differences have to be respected equally. They have to be heard. They have to be seen. They have to be acknowledged. They have to be fine-tuned. And the biggest thing that I will say is me and my husband, Phil, is wrong with singlehood is that nobody is willing to kill their ego. You have to kill that ego. You have to sacrifice it. And I'm not talking about you thinking that you're the best. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You have to really and literally disconnect from what you think is correct, what you deem as right, what you deem as comfortable, and reform that structure with your partner. Meaning y'all have to come on an agreement on what you deem as acceptable and normal. Acceptable may be every single time I get in that car, you gotta open my door. That's my boundary. That's what I agree. And I know you shouldn't get raised that way, but you have to be okay with someone having a different opinion than you and actually exploring that opinion. Let them get a turn. Explore your way real quick. Your way didn't work? Okay, let's try this way. That way didn't work? Okay, let's come up with a way together. But you have to be willing to heal and strip that ego every single time. It's a constant healing journey with your partner to find a rhythm. And a lot of people aren't willing to go through that finding of the rhythm, which is the stripping of the ego and rebuilding a common ground. Stripping of the ego and rebuilding a common ground. Because y'all be ready to call it quits when he doesn't answer the phone after an argument or when he says something that is triggering. Y'all be ready to call it quits. You can't call it quits. Strip and realign. You gotta find your flow. And when you find your flow, everything else and everybody else and all the chitter-chatter and the noise stops affecting you. And then you start entering into that bliss, that happiness that nobody can take from you and nobody can come in between your marriage, not your parents, not family, not friends, not social media, not some random female looking at your man across the room, not some random dude looking at your woman across the way. You found the secret sauce. And then it becomes fun. And then you be making TikToks for fun together. Get money. Love y'all. Hope this helps.