30 mins of Marriage Jokes | Standup Up Comedy | Riaad Moosa

But you realize, you know, that your life changes when you become a parent. There are a few defining moments. One of the moments for me was when my wife walked into the room wearing cabbage leaves. Some of the people know what I'm talking about over there. For those of you who don't know, when a mother breastfeeds, one of the side effects of breastfeeding is called breast engorgement. And it's very, very painful. And one of the natural remedies for this is wearing cabbage leaves. Because it soothes it. And when I saw this, I realized my life would never be the same again. Because I'm used to her wearing Lysenza Temptations. Now she's buying lingerie from Fruit & Veg City. And I'm, I'm what they call a whooped husband, people. Right? But not whooped in a good way. I mean, with the leather, you know. You've been a naughty boy. Now for me, I'm whooped as in I listen to my wife. For me, it's more like 50 Shades of Obedience. You know what I'm talking about? I'm a victim here, bro. I'm not like Christian Grey. I'm Muslim Prey. That's me. Riyadh, can you get some milk at the shop, please? Okay, babe. Okay. Can I go to the toilet first? It's a number two. No. Okay. Yeah, no. That's my wife there. No. Okay. Yes, I'll connect. I'll connect. I'll connect. I'll first go get milk at the shop. Milk is more important. In Islam, we say marriage is half of your Iman or half of your faith. Okay? Doesn't mean you get married and all of a sudden you get 50% of your faith. I got married and I got 50% of my Iman or 50% of my faith. Take a second wife, 100% of my faith. We allowed four. I could potentially have 200% surplus faith if my calculations are correct. It doesn't mean that. It means negotiating life successfully as a married couple is challenging. You know? You gotta live for the other person. Everybody has disagreements. It's my view that in a happy marriage you gotta know how to argue with your partner. You know, when we weren't as happy in our marriage this is how we used to argue. Not as happy in our marriage. Now we're super happy in our marriage, this is how we argue. Okay, you're right, you're right It was a good point For me the scoring system in a marriage argument is just like the scoring system in tennis. You gotta lose to get love You know what I mean But seriously people, you know, there's a special kind of love that develops after 15 years of marriage It's a special kind of love you see it in the eyes of your partner special kind of mohabbat Special kind of love it's almost like hate That loving hatred I will die for you, but I will kill you first You know when eating becomes a problem a normal human biological function do you really need to eat like that Because I'm be honest with you people I tend to make a little sound when I eat, you know, just a little sound Which can be the source of contention in many a marriage Just a gentle I keep my mouth closed most of the time, but you see I've got a sinus problem So at some point I have to open my mouth Otherwise, I'll suffocate Creating the ever so insignificant Just a gentle wistful But whenever I do it my wife's always like I can't even eat Pringles in my own house You know when you're sitting next to each other watching the TV, you know eating the Pringles You know, even if you keep your mouth closed the sound of Pringles travels through the jawbone to irritate your significant other You know, you eat like a cow you eat like a cow well I am a moose You know and part of the charm of the Pringles is the crunchiness of the Pringles That's why we enjoy it the texture the crunchiness is enjoyable, but I can't eat Pringles like that You know, I got any Pringles after 15 years of marriage in my own house I'm gonna take the whole Pringle put it in my mouth and let it dissolve Is that right My wife on the other end She doesn't put a seatbelt on immediately when she gets in the car because you got more important things to do before she puts on A seatbelt and I get in the car Out but she's got important things to do and I don't want to impose my sense of urgency on her in this patriarchal male-dominated Society I want to give the opportunity to make decisions for herself because I respect the decision-making capabilities as a life partner Hashtag me too ladies But you know what that means right that means we driving is like Ding ding ding ding ding Baby I'm gonna put on your seatbelt stop rushing me. You're always the rushing me I'll do it. Now. I just want to read this to on whatsapp quickly I don't know why you're carrying on, in any case, it's not that irritating. She says that's not irritating, that ting is not irritating. But when I eat, that's a problem. Let me tell you something, that ting sound was designed specifically by very intelligent German engineers to be irritating to the human auditory mechanism. And you think that sound is fine. But the sound that your husband of 15 years and the father of your four beautiful children has to make in order to continue to be alive. That is intolerable. Ting, ting, ting. She doesn't want to put on a seatbelt. I want to change the ting to go. But it's important to know guys that I choose to be this way. I choose to be this way. In this era of evolving gender dynamics, I choose to be this way. My wife is not forcing me to do anything that I don't want to do of my own free will. Of my own internal compass and volition. She told me to make that clear to you people. She told me. But it's true, bruh. I'm a man. I'm not scared of my wife. Okay, I'm scared. She's here. No, I'm not scared. I'm not scared. My lovely wife. I'm not scared. Only when it's justifiably so. When men, we do stupid things sometimes. Unintentionally. Our primitive male brains, that's just how it functions. Like just, say for instance, you send to the shop to get milk. Right, guys? That's a very common male errand. Can you get some milk in the shop? I can't. Then you go to the shop to get milk and then you have a male idea. Ping. While I'm at the shop buying the milk, why don't I buy some other miscellaneous items that's of necessity in the home while I'm buying the milk? Right? So you buy a whole lot of items, come home, like a professor, forget the milk. I'm not easy to know any mother idiot men like me. I'm so self-involved, I don't even realize I forgot the milk. And then my wife calls from the other room and be like, Aye, where's the milk? Huh? That's when my sphincter loosens. Where's the milk? Not there? Are you sure? And I'm not good at lying on the spot, eh? If I think about it, I can come up with something. No babe, I went to the shop to get milk, but they were out of milk, so I was going to go to another shop. But then I saw it was almost Maghrib, right? Almost time for the evening prayer, so I thought I'd come home and pray for your health and well-being, our children's health and well-being. And I'm done with it, I'm going to go out and get the milk. Can I get you that hazelnut chocolate you like? Not bad, right? That's not me under pressure, bruh. Uh-uh. Under pressure, I'm like, they discontinued milk. Gotta keep the lie going, because you see there was a drought in Cape Town, right? Yeah. Because the drought, the cows got dehydrated, yeah. Because of the dehydration, I don't even understand cow physiology, they couldn't produce sufficient lactation output, right? So for the time being, they don't shoot the messenger brother at you. Forced to discontinue milk. Yeah, I had to ask to get almond milk. Yeah, yeah, even the almond cows, even the almond cows. They're dehydrated. The almond cows, the soya cows, the oat cows. My wife doesn't play that, bruh. My wife comes into the room like Liam Neeson from the movie Taken. My beautiful wife walks into the room like a 6'7 American Irish, bruh. Freaking the heck out of you. I don't know who you think you are. But as a breastfeeding mother of four, I have a particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. Now if you go to the shop and get the milk, that'll be the end of it. No harm will come to you. If you don't, I will look for you. I will find you. And I will mood you. I'm still getting the milk. Kniping from the first time, still kniping. But you got to do things you don't want to do when you're married. Because it's about balance, you complete each other. Got to do things you don't want to do to be supportive. Like, I hate shopping, but I hate shopping. I hate shopping. But I was a designated shopper during the pandemic, bruh. I had to deal first hand with those mother, you know, foot pedal sanitizers. You know those things. Was it just me? Because especially in the beginning, those were the most ineffective contraptions. They never functioned correctly, bruh. And I never understood that. Because at home when you have a dispenser, usually it shoots out with power. With velocity. With gusto. Like a teenager into a sock. It's a garam one, let's move on, let's move on. Don't explain that to the aunties, don't explain it. But the foot pedal sanitizers, like... Slide down like an old man with a prostate problem, like... This thing looked like it got comorbidities. How is this supposed to protect me from COVID, bruh? Then I have to deal with the woolies. Next customer, please. Mother, two please. I hate woolies. Because you know why? They ask stupid questions to men, bruh. There's a question they always ask to men. They should be trained not to ask this question. Because our primitive, unprepared male brains should never be asked this question. It's unnecessary. Because you put down 73 different items on the counter, bruh. And that's different. Do you need a bag? There's enough stuff up here for me to go on expedition up Kilimanjaro. So no, I don't need a bag. Actually, I juggle. I juggle. Why suffer the inconvenience of a carrier bag when I can walk out... But I don't say that out loud. Out loud, I'm like, yes, I need a bag. Thank you. Take your knife. Even though, in truth, in the boot of my car, I've got 379 fabric bags that my wife put in there for this very purpose. And she reminded me, Riyadh, before you go into the Woolworths, take the fabric bag out. She texted me, Riyadh, before you go to the Woolworths, take the fabric bag out. She gave me a voice note, before you go to the Woolworths, take the mother fabric bag out. And do I do that? No. And do I quickly run outside and get the bag quickly? Or you just, or you just... In fact, bring back plastic bags, okay? Bring it back. I know it's bad for the environment, but for my comfort, I don't care if a turtle has to die. I don't mean this. See, I don't mean any of this, but... I don't know what's going on with me. It is so angry. You know? You've got to be supportive. I want to be a good guy. You know, that's why I try and support my wife. She enjoys shopping. Or she used to enjoy shopping. She's one of the women that enjoys shopping. You know, it's sexist to say women enjoy shopping. You know? But she's a woman who just happens to enjoy it. Because, like, I'm sure there are many women that don't enjoy shopping. Right? I've never seen them. But I'm sure there's many. But she happens to be one of the women where they walk into a mall, it's like a Disney movie. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da. Excitement. Potential. Enthusiasm. And just behind the wife, you usually see the husband looking just as enthusiastic. Is there a place for me to sit down? I think of no places for me to sit down. Always ask the same question. How long you gonna be? Because I just want to go to the Vodacom shop quickly. Yeah, because there's a problem with my Huawei phone. Yeah, Huawei. My Huawei. Yeah, that's how you pronounce it. Yeah, I didn't know you pronounce it Huawei. Yeah, I know you spell it Huawei. But you pronounce it Huawei. Riyadh, Riyadh, you always want to go somewhere. You're always on the move. Don't you just want to be present for once? That's the buzzword. Don't you just want to be present? Don't you just want to spend time with me? Don't you just want to be present? Yeah. I want to be present. We're going to be present about the Vodacom shop, please. Problem with my Huawei phone. You know, because women, you just want us to be there as support. Just in case. Just be there. Just be there just in case I need you as support. Just be there just in case. Just in case. You don't need to offer solutions to my problems. Just let's share in the expression of our problems. We'll just express our problems together. Even if the problem is you. You just have to express and we'll share it together. They're enjoying the experience of expressing the problems about you together. And just being there as a support if I need you. And I want to be supportive, brah. I want to be supportive. That's why I'm one of the husbands that hold the handbag in the mall, brah. Right? I see my brothers are there, dude. Like the OGs, they have no idea about this thing, brah. The OGs didn't even have the expectation of holding the bag. Right? My generation, some of us, we have the expectation. Not everybody did, but we have the expectation to hold the bag. And then the new generation got their own handbags, brah. Holding the bag. I hate holding the bag. I do it, but I hate it. But I do it. Why? You know, because I want to be supportive, but I hate it. Because I don't know as a man how to hold the bloody bag. Nobody taught me. Everything is uncomfortable. Because you can't look too comfortable. My wife is always buttering me up. Don't worry, Riyadh. You're my superhero. What? What kind of superhero? One of the X-Men. I'm like, Wolverine? No, no. Caitlyn Jenner. So I want to be supportive. So I don't mind holding the handbag. But here's where I draw the line. Ladies, please be compassionate to your husband or your boyfriend. Don't make us look inside your bloody handbag. You don't realize our primitive male brains are not equipped to deal with the celestial vortex that is a lady's handbag. Especially like a mother of four handbag. The amount of stuff you can fit in that thing defies the laws of physics, bro. I think the secret to the black hole exists inside a lady's handbag. You know, men, we're simple, right? Wallets, keys, cell phone. Everything that's important to us is in this region over here, bro. So don't make us look inside the bag. Don't do it to us, bro. You know, my wife is always like, Riyadh, can you just check for my cell phone in the bag, please? Okay. I've got to work myself up. Okay, bro. You're going to go in there, bro. Riyadh, no fear. No fear. You're going to go in there. No fear. You're a man. So much receipts in here, bro. Hair clips, hair ties. Moisturizer. How moist do you need to be? Sanitizer. Tissues. Used and unused. Loose nappies. Sweets from Spur. Ocean baskets. And then just one compartment, one compartment, bro. Another compartment. Battery chargers. Cell phone wire. Inverter for load shedding. Check. I can't believe this. I haven't seen this for so long. Bam. Check. My balls. I'm just going to keep them, okay? Okay, just one. I'll keep one. One for me. One for you. So I checked for a long time. I couldn't find the cell phone. Right? So I responded. I was like, babe, the cell phone's not here. And then she responded with, I'm sure you heard this. Like I said it first of all like that, you know? Like with pacing my voice. I said it exactly like, cell phone's not here. I think it's because I held on to my balls a little bit. I think so. And then she responded with, you know? I'm sure you heard this. No, Riyad. Open your eyes. I'm sure I put the cell phone in there. No, babe, check. My eyes is open. Check. Change of prescription. All my contacts, everything. I checked here a long time. Cell phone. I check under my balls. Cell phone's not here. It's not just me that can forget things. You can forget things also. We're all getting older. And then she responded with, very common. I have to do everything myself. And I checked for a long time. You know, husbands and wives get into little tiffs and you want to win a little argument. And I was happy because I was going to win. I was going to be right. The cell phone wasn't there. Wasn't there. Not even a split second. She's like, are you blind? Are you blind? She didn't even look inside. She just felt in there. Like a magician. Are you blind? I was like, yo, bro. Just take my ball back. It's okay. Just take it. Safer with you in any case. You know. You got to do things. You don't want to do, bro. And you meant it. I went to, like, try to do something for myself for change. I went to buy some shoes. You know. Give myself some retail therapy. I got to buy shoes. But then I had to deal with an overzealous shoe salesman. You know that, bro. Huzzah. Ask me stupid questions. You want to buy some shoes? No, I was hoping to catch athletes' foot from the display models. But I don't say that out loud. I was like, yes, I'd like to buy some shoes, please. Right? And then he comes always with one shoe. Right? They always do that. Come with one shoe. I got two feet, bro. I didn't come here like a pirate. R.I.P. What a shoe. Then you try the shoe on. Everybody does that weird deer learning to walk. To test the effectiveness of the shoe. It's a very important part of the shoe buying ritual. But more importantly part of the shoe buying ritual is pressing on that big toe. This is the imperative fundamental part of the shoe buying ritual. Now for kids, I understand the reason we do this. Because we have to assess the growth potential within the confines of the shoe. Makes perfect sense. But for adults, my foot has been the same size for the past 20 years. Why am I pressing on the big toe? And I was buying sandals, so I don't even know. I have to do this. It's a part of the ritual. I'm not sure. I think I got the ingrown or something. I went to buy shoes. And I went to go buy my wife pads. For those of you who are confused by what pads I mean. I mean feminine hygiene products. I went to buy the pads. Right? But I've been buying pads for 20 years. And my brain is still in denial. When my wife asked me to buy pads. Right? Because I don't want to buy pads. Right? She's like, Riyadh, can you get me some pads please? I go to the CNA. When I write something down. I want pads with a pin and lines and no lines. No Riyadh, I'd like some pads. Right? And I'm aware of all the details of the pads. I've been buying pads for many years. All the indicators on the pads. Right? On the side of the pad box, they've got their little droplets. On the side. Have you seen these droplets? On the side. Some of you have no idea. The OGs. Let me explain. The droplets on the side. That indicates the amount of internal tears in the heart of a husband. Then I have to buy the pads. My heart has a heavy flow, brah. Heavy flow. Because I put effort into this thing. You know? Get confused in the pad aisle. The staff is going... And I'm like, don't... Me. Don't... Me. This game not clicks. Don't... Me. And on the side of the pad box, they say, the pads have got wings, brah. They're not wings. They are flaps. There are no aeronautical capabilities to the pads. They're flaps. There are no aeronautical capabilities to the pads. I never see my kids on the balcony. Daddy, watch this. And there's a Kotex. I'm like, brah, what are you doing? At least use a fresh one. Hey, let's just move on, brah. That's another haram one. Just move on. And it doesn't even make sense, brah. It'd be too heavy. You know what I mean? It's already flapped by that point, brah. Also, shopping is crazy. If there's one thing that I've learnt as a married man, right, is that women want shoes. And my wife is an Olympic level shoe shopper. I think... I actually don't think it's right for a person to stretch before they go to the mall. But something comes over, brah. It's like the Lord of the Rings. The minute she picks up the shoe, it's like... My precious. Listen, fuzz, I think that's a bit expensive. No. Filthy little husbandses. They want to touch the promise. You confused the uncle, aren't you? You guys married? Like, after you got married, probably we came and I kissed the bride. After I got married, the only people I got to kiss was uncles that looked like this. Smelling of attar and dates. And not just one or two uncles, like 50,000 uncles. There was no more uncles there, I was still going... Also, we like complaining at our weddings. You know, auntie sitting there. Look at the centrepiece here in the middle of the table. It's beautiful. Too big, but... Can't even see the person opposite you. In Kerala, we also do similar things like, Jijaan, look at the centrepiece here in the middle of the table. Too big, man. Can't even fit it in your handbag. Even when you first just get married, right? You know, first of all, you get slowed down by your partner. You have to help your partner maybe get dressed. I used to help my wife get dressed. I don't mean like a nurse, like... I used to help her choose to get dressed. And I used to hate to do this because my primitive male brain is not equipped to discern the superiority between the two things. But even though I can't do it, I'm ineffective at it. I try because I want to be supportive. But no matter what I suggest, she always chooses the other one. Not just sometimes, 100% of the time. The other day, she's like, Riyadh, should I have the green dress or the red dress? The green dress or the red dress? I'm like, the red, green, red. Green, red. Red, the red dress. It's like, I was hoping for the green one. That's in my brain. The outside brain, can I talk to you for a minute? Can I talk to you? Why you always do that to a person? You always ask me to help you choose. And I don't like doing it, but I try. I don't like doing it because my primitive male brain is not equipped to deal with discerning because you only just put the dress like in front of you like that. You don't try it on, you just put it in front. And I must not imagine. Like, men, we're not good at imagining women with their clothes on. I don't mean it like that. And then sometimes put one earring on the one ear, another earring on the other ear, one, two on the one foot, other on the other foot and you just go like this, what's better? What's better? And I can't do it, but I try. But no matter what I suggest, you always choose the other one, bro. And the person's feelings. She's like, no Rihanna, I appreciate you. Know that I appreciate you. From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate you, my love. But you know, you don't always make the best choices. Like I chose you. I didn't say that loud. Are you mad? I'm still here, bro. I'm still here. Emotional damage. You have to band together, right, against the kids. Marriage is about balance. You're supposed to complete each other. It's about balance. Like for example, the things that I don't do well, my wife does well. And the things that I do well, she does better. So it's...