Dan Duvall: Cheat Day (Full Comedy Special)

Please give it up for the one, the only, Dan Duvall everybody! Thank you for coming. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming out to my live stand-up comedy special taping. It is my birthright as a white man to come out here and record that, so thank you for being a part of it. People say that white people don't have culture. We do. It's this. It's this and it's when we put eyelashes on the headlights of a Volkswagen Bug. People say white people don't have culture. We do. But white culture is being a bartender at Earl's for ten years and then becoming a real estate agent. Right. Very full of culture, the whites. Very much so. White culture is being mysteriously on a European vacation for weeks at a time when no one's really sure what you do for work. Yeah, big time, right? You don't think white people have culture? I guess you've never been to a dog's birthday party before? I like the idea of a dog's birthday. I would 100% rather go to a dog's birthday party than a person's child's birthday party. 100%. Yeah. I like the idea of hungover dogs because I like... A partied out dog. I want to see two dogs hungover at work talking about how fucked up they got the night before, like how we do. You know, like service dogs. Like, ugh. I was not a good boy last night. It's like, I ate so much people food. The other one's like, honestly, Cooper, you were begging for it. It's like, ugh. I have no idea where my ball is. The other one's like, you think that's bad? My Instagram was like 45 minutes of me just barking into a mirror last night. They're trying to one-up one another. The other one's like, I threw up in the kitchen. And then I ate it. This is great. It's good to be here. I was just on vacation in Rome. I was just on vacation in Rome. Rome is a crazy place. If you've ever been there before, it's an astonishingly... I had the best time. I was there for two weeks. Had the best food. Had the most amazing time. If you've never been, it's like an open-air museum. It's like there's ruins everywhere. It is crazy. The Romans, they're not taking down any of their statues. All still up. And their people killed Jesus, so they don't give a ****. They're like, take the arms off them. We'll teach them a lesson. This won't happen again. Not on our watch. I was in Rome for two weeks, and then vacation was over and I had to go back to work. This is my job, doing comedy in Canada, so I went directly from Rome to Red Deer, Alberta. That's crazy. Do you understand the difference in that? In Rome, they're like, this is where Julius Caesar was stabbed. And then you get to Red Deer, and they're like, that's the Tim Hortons where the mayor killed an owl. That's a sinkhole an entire Ricky's All Day Grill slid into. And that's the mall where you can still smoke. We do this in rural Canada most of the time. For me, going to rural Canada anywhere is crazy. I don't fit in. I don't fit in at all. The only hunting I've ever done is for a good deal on skinny jeans. I'm not like them. I'm not like them at all. You get into rural Canada, and that's where real men live. There's a factory out in the woods where they come out and they're like, would you like anything chopped? It's not the same. I've tried being a man. It's not for me. I feel like you're not a man until you've been to the dump without your dad. And it would never work for me, because even if I went without him, I'd have to borrow his truck. I'm not like them. I'm not like a traditional dude. I'm born in the 80s, but I'm not a traditional man's man. I'm 42. I've never been in a fight before in my life. It's not happening tonight. Relax. I'm 42 years old. I've never been in a fight. I almost got in a fight one time. I did. I almost got in a fight one time when I was 21. I was in a club, and a guy shoved my girlfriend. And I was like, okay, this is it. I gotta do something, you know? And I stepped up, and I was like, yo, man, yo. And he turned around, and I was like, I am so sorry. She is just the worst. You and your huge friends look super tough this evening. I especially love the white stitching on your jeans. Are those dragons? True religion? Very nice. I'm not tough. I'm not a tough person. I might look tough because I'm covered in tattoos, but if you look close, that's a giraffe on roller skates. I'm not tough. I look like the desk you sat in when you were eight. Like a duotang, you know? They take one look at me in Grand Prairie, Alberta, and they're like, this guy is here to educate us on pronouns, you know? Which is good. It's a good thing. Because the only time they're saying they, them in rural Alberta is when they're talking about immigrants. I'm sorry, do you think that they're progressive in rural Alberta? I've got a Greyhound bus ticket to Fort McMurray that says you're incorrect. Yeah, man, Grand Prairie is crazy. When I go there, I go there once a year to do this, and we drive there. We always drive to Grand Prairie. The drive up to Grand Prairie is bleak. It's long, and you're just trying to stay awake. The cool thing, though, is that they have, one thing I noticed is on the drive throughout rural Alberta, they have their billboards on the side of the roads are the backs of old trucks. Have you seen this? The backs of old trucks. I thought it was cool. Yeah, I think it's neat. I think it's cool to see my white ancestors using every part of the truck, you know? So, when you're driving into Grand Prairie, about an hour outside of town, there's a Tim Hortons that they always stop at. It's like its own little town. It's called Double Double. People are rolling up the rim there, but nobody's winning, you know what I mean? So, the last time I'm there, it's summer, and I stop at this Tim Hortons, and I go inside to get a coffee, okay? And I'm wearing a shirt with three dolphins on it, and it says, **** that noise. And then I have the tiniest shorts on, okay? And my legs look a lot like my arms, you know, like hot and jacked. So, I'm standing in line. There's three of us in line. There's me, and then a 90-year-old man, probably the mayor of Double Double. And then, like, a 60-year-old woman in front of him. There's three of us in line, okay? And she turns around, and she sees me in my get-up, right? And she... she double-takes. And then she looks at the old man in front of me, and then back at me, and then back at him, and then she leans over to him, and she goes, Elmore. And I was like, does she think I'm a lesbian? Because I have been taking care of myself, you know? But then she looks right at me, and she points right at my chest, and she goes, liberal? She called me a liberal like it was a slur. That's crazy. That's insane. I would never, like... I have strong political opinions like anybody, right? But I'm not gonna... I can't judge somebody like that. I can't just come out and scream at somebody. I just wouldn't... like, if I saw somebody putting a cigarette out on a homeless person, I'm not gonna be like, conservative? I don't have to. You already told me. Yeah, it's always crazy when you go to Alberta. I'll tell you this, though. Gas prices? The price of gas when I was in Alberta last time? $1.12. It was $1.12. Listen to me. I am very much... a liberal. A left-leaning, Victoria... libtard guy. I am very much all of those things. Climate change? All that. Totally. But... I will feed... straws... directly to a sea turtle for $0.65 off the liter, okay? Buck me up, Alberta. How do I become one of you? I'm ready to assimilate, okay? Give me the white oak, please. Jack up my Kia Sorento. I will name my first two born children Kinder and Morgan, okay? Let's go. Here for it. The craziest stuff happens on the road. The craziest stuff. I did a tour a few months ago, and I got... We started the tour... way up north. Way up north in D.C., and I got, like, really north. Like, so far north that when you go to do the show, you feel like you're doing a wellness check. On the town. You're like, do you need me to bring anything from... the south, you know? It gets weird up there. You're north. More men, you know? It's crazy. So... You know, I'm going into town... to do this show, and I get pulled over... okay? Because I'm doing... 140 and an 80, whatever. Right? But I get pulled over, and the cop is walking to the car, and this is not good for me, okay? Because I can't stop... making jokes. This doesn't happen when... This doesn't stop when I leave the stage. Do you know what I mean? Like, two seconds alone, and I'm like, Kool-Aid man's kids probably never felt safe masturbating. And I'm like, how dare he call himself Mr. Clean when he's clearly on steroids. It never stops. Dating me is a nightmare. So... It's worse when it's an authority figure, too. When it's an authority, it's way worse. Like, I can't stop... I was always the kid who had his desk in the hallway, and if a teacher was getting mad at me, I can't help but make jokes. Right? And so, one time, I was going to Mexico, and I was crossing the border, and the border guard was like, do you have any drugs? And I said, why would I bring sand to the beach? And then I had to talk to him and his friends for six hours. Okay, so this cop is coming to the window, and I'm like, don't make a joke, don't make a joke, don't make a joke. And he rolls down the window, I roll down the window, and he's like, why are you going so fast? And I said, I am so sorry, officer, I have been drinking all day. He was like, you're going to have to step out of the car. And he was mad, he was pissed off, and he was even more pissed off when I blew a zero. I got back in the car, and he says, listen, you were going 140 in an 80, I could have pounded your car. And I was like, please don't. And then he said, but also, you have illegal tints on your windows. I don't know if you know this, but it's illegal to have any tint on your front windows in BC. Okay, which is crazy, because like, how am I supposed to text and drive and not get caught? He's like, you have illegal tints. And then I said, I don't know what you want me to do about that right now. And he said, well, you can either remove them or get a fine. And I was like, do you want me to wish them away? And then he said, they actually come right off if you have a knife. And then this cop pulled out a hunting knife. Like, not a knife that the government gave him. Like a knife he brought from home, you know what I mean? And he makes a little slit like this on the window, and then he just ripped the tint right off of my window. He just pulled it, peeled it right off. That's the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life. Do you understand the magnitude of that? This cop hunted down my car and skinned it on the side of the highway. That's how far north I was. If that happened in a city, there would be a GoFundMe for me to get new tints on the window. And there would be a human rights tribunal. Not there. So we go do the show. And I told this story on stage, like right away. I had to, right? And then this lady in the front row, I'm halfway through the story, she goes, oh yeah, that's Officer Clarabelle, we know her. I was like, what? She's like, yeah, she did that to my son. I was like, whoa. And then the whole show just turned into a town hall meeting about how much everyone hates this cop. And then after the show, a guy came up to me and showed me his phone. He had texted the cop, and he was like, hey, did you cut the tints off this comedian's car? And he wrote back, what the **** are they saying? And then we got the hell out of there. It's fun. It's fun traveling out there. I'm very much city. I'm very much a little city guy. I'm very much, you know what I mean? And my dad is not. My dad is not like me at all. My dad is a six foot two Saskatchewan man with a mustache. Yeah, my dad is, he's, my dad's from a small town in Saskatchewan called Cutknife. That is a town that is named after how you died and the murder weapon. He's tough. He's a tough man, okay? And he's a dad. He's like a full on dad, you know what I mean? Like, he just wakes up in the morning and says the price of gas. We're just so different, okay? Like, he moved out from Saskatchewan in the 60s out to the coast, okay? And then became a lumberjack. Like, that's even a real job. Like, that's a cartoon job. That's not even... And he did that, and then he worked in a pulp mill for 500 years, okay? Okay, and then he retired a carpenter. That's when they gave him the mustache. They were like, you did it. Okay, and I use hair product that smells like cookies. We're Bill Different. Okay, my dad climbed up trees and cut them down with his bare hands, and I was a part-time barista. There's nothing wrong with that job. You just can't explain it to a man who was born in 1949. He doesn't get it. I'm like, it's hard. He's like, yeah? I'm like, yeah, sometimes. On Wednesdays, I work for six hours. He's like, your job is a break. I'm like, it's not. It's hard. He's like, yeah? Did you pet a dog today? I pet two dogs. My job's a break. Son of a bitch. It's not his fault, though. He tried. He tried with me. It's not his fault. He did try. He tried to teach me things, okay? But I just didn't learn the lesson he was trying to teach. Right? One time when I was 10, he tried to teach me how to chop wood, but instead of learning how to chop wood, I learned that I'm a huge disappointment to my father. We have a good relationship. We get along fine. Everything's fine, but we... He struggles. He does struggle. He struggles with having a gay son quite a bit. He doesn't have one. But online, where he tells people he does, big struggle for him. My dad is a badass. He's done a lot of cool stuff. Like, man, when we... I lived with my parents for a little bit during COVID. I lived with them, and he was such a badass. He, like, put a new roof on the house. He rebuilt the engine in the car, and then he built a fence around the whole house. They didn't need a fence. He just had wood. During that same time, I completed Red Dead Redemption 2. Do you understand? Do you understand what that means? It means I played a video game where I was my dad. He was like, I got some stuff. I need you to help me with them. I gotta get back to camp and chop wood. I can't. He's a badass man, you know? Yeah. I think the most badass thing that my dad ever did is he had three kids on purpose. Three kids on purpose. That's insane. Right? On purpose? I get that people have kids, right? Mistakes are made. But on purpose? Round of applause if you have children. Okay? Round of applause if you did it on purpose. Okay? That's the sound of mental illness. I don't get having kids on purpose. That's totally insane to me. I'll never understand that. Like, if you... I don't... If I wanted to watch somebody who could barely walk try to eat Cheerios with their bare hands, I'd go to Denny's at midnight. You need to create a whole person for that. I can't do... I can't. I can't have kids. I mean, I can have kids, you know what I mean? But I can't... But I'm not trying to do it. Trying to do everything I can to not. You know what I mean? I can't have kids. I can't be in charge of another person's life. I don't even know where my headphones are most of the time. I've never... Not one time have I ever kept a lighter all the way through till the fluid ran out. I can't be in charge of a kid. I don't even... I don't even know what to do if a baby starts crying. I have no idea. Do you just put a blanket over its cage and it goes to sleep like a bird? If a baby is crying... If my baby is crying at me I'm just going to talk to it like it's an adult. I'm like, you're being super toxic right now. That's not how we talk in this house. I get if you want to blame past traumas, but you're two weeks old. You don't even have any. It's like you're the one who ate all your food and now you're screaming at me. I feel like you're gaslighting me. No thank you. Let me put it to you this way. I'm not going to apply to have kids like it's a job. I'm not going to apply to have kids like it's a job. I'm not going to walk into the place and they're like, Mr. Duvall, thanks so much for coming in. Here is your human baby. Yeah, it's your job to keep it clean and keep it fed. Sure, sounds easy. Just so you know, in no time at all it's going to be able to get up and walk around on its own and it has no idea that fire is hot or that it can't breathe underwater. It's a ******* idiot. You should also know that if anything happens to it you go to prison for a very long time. And I'm like, holy shit, what's the pay for this job? They're like, it's negative a million dollars. I'm like, absolutely not. The only reason I think I would ever have kids is so that I could name another person. That's it. That's the only reason I'm ever having kids is so I can name another human being. I'd have fun with it too. I'd be at the park hanging out with my kids. Some lady would be like, oh my God, those are your kids? They're super cute. I'd be like, yeah, yeah, that's our daughter, Titanic. She's like, oh, that's a cool name. I'm like, yeah, we named our kids. Oops. Dad, is that sturdy? He is here. I'm going to have to edit this out. He is here tonight. I'm going to start that joke over. How's that sound? It's the beauty of entertainment. You can start a joke over, okay? The only reason I'm ever having kids is so that I could name another human being. It's crazy that you guys are hearing this for the first time ever. Right now. I'd have fun with it. I'd be at the park hanging out. Some lady would be like, those are your kids? They're super cute. I'd be like, yeah, that's our daughter, Titanic. She's like, oh, that's a cool name. I'm like, yeah, we actually named them after the movies we were watching the night they were conceived. So many dudes at tables being like, I don't get it. What do you mean? Babe, let's get out of here. This guy's gross. Here's the thing. I'm not a porn guy. I watched it when I was younger. I don't watch porn anymore. I don't watch it. I know I look like a guy who makes porn. I don't watch it. I don't like it. I don't like it for today's youth is what I think. Yeah, right? It does. There's no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice. It's not a guy with a ponytail's house. Get out of here. There's no swords on the wall. There's no Mountain Dew containers. Almost never any ferrets. His mom's not there. I mean, sometimes his mom is there, right? You know what I mean? You're running on one episode, you're on, yeah, brother. Swimming in the audience, you're laughing. You're part of the problem. You say things in those movies that are not true. You love the way he tastes. Really, you love it? I'm no expert, okay? But I'm thinking he tastes okay at best. They're not making dick-flavored Skittles, okay? This is so much fun. Two days ago, I hit six years clean and sober from drugs and alcohol. Is that a thing? Thank you. This is a vodka soda, but it's my cheat day. I love it. I love being sober. I love it. I love being sober. I love it. I love being sober. I love it. I love being sober. I love it. I love being sober. I love it. I love being sober. I love it. You can tell I love it because I never, ever shut the **** up about it. I love it. It's the best. I do, though. My life is super crazy. In the last six years, I quit drinking. I quit doing drugs. I quit smoking cigarettes. I lost 100 pounds and I started running and now all I have to do is become vegan and I'll be the most annoying person you've ever met. I'm so close. Man. That's crazy, dude. I quit. I quit things I didn't even know I needed to quit. Look, I just don't shop at 7-Eleven anymore. It turns out when you get sober you just don't need anything from there. I had no idea. Listen, I was doing 90% of my grocery shopping at 7-Eleven, okay? I would come home from the bar with bags of stuff. Like shopping bags full of stuff from 7-Eleven. Listen to me. If you're buying enough stuff at 7-Eleven that the cashier asks you if you need a bag check in with yourself. Ask yourself some hard-hitting questions. You might need a sponsor. I ate the hot case food at 7-Eleven. That takes a big man to admit that. In more than one way. I ate the hot case it was crazy. I ate all of it. I ate the whole thing. I ate ******* taquitos. Taquitos. That's how you pronounce taquitos, dude. Taquitos. If you pronounce it like taquitos you are too sober to be eating taquitos. That's how and they're not daytime food either. If you're eating any of the food from 7-Eleven during the day if you order taquitos before 11pm you should not be allowed to vote. I ate the pizza. It's really not easy to be vulnerable up here, okay? Like this. I ate the pizza. The pizza at 7-Eleven is crazy. You guys have seen the pizza, right? It looks like Papa John and Delicio had an abortion and 7-Eleven was like whoa. Hey. Don't throw that at me. We can sell that to drunk people. So I don't shop at 7-Eleven anymore. I haven't been in there in ages. This is not it. But a lot of stuff is the same though. Like a lot has changed obviously but a lot is a lot is I don't know man. Like I hang out with even though I'm sober I still hang out with a ton of people who drink and do drugs pretty often. It doesn't bother me that much. I have a lot of friends who micro dose. Anybody micro dose? Sounded a bit like a macro dose back there. I don't have an issue with this. If you don't know what it is micro dosing is a kind of therapy. It's very popular especially here on the West Coast. It's a kind of therapy where you take a small amount of a psychedelic like mushrooms or acid and you take it in the morning and then it actually helps you to be high all day. You're doing drugs. Get the **** out of here. Shut up. You're doing drugs. Okay. I tried it. I tried micro dosing. I tried to micro dose cocaine. I tried doing a line every three minutes for 17 years. Not a ton of success. My life's so it's so different now. It's so different than it was six years ago. It was not all bad. It was fun. I used to I had a buddy who would text me and he'd be like hey what are you doing after work? You want to come over for a couple days? And I would be like I do. And now I can't drink coffee in the morning because it gives me the jitters. You know what I mean? Like it's so different. One time I blacked out while I was drinking and got on a plane and then I came to as the plane was touching down on the tarmac. Like that's I teleport when I drink. I turn into an X-Man. Do you understand? Like that's what my life was like. And the other day I went into a bookstore and out loud said ooh the Christmas puzzles are out. It's different now. It's easy now. Like for me now it's mostly easy. Like it's been six years I don't have to think too much about it anymore. It's just kind of my everyday life. But it wasn't always like that. And I got into weird situations especially early on like in the first six months. One time I was talking to this couple. I got into this conversation with this couple randomly. They seemed like they were on like a first date or something and we were having like a normal conversation and out of nowhere I'm like don't you think that it's like being alive it's like we're all on death row and our jobs and our phones are like our prisons and they just stared at me. Right? And then I remembered where I was and I had to be like I'm so sorry about that. My name is Dan. Welcome to the Old Spaghetti Factory. Mojitos tonight are three dollars. And unlike life garlic bread is endless. But it's fun. I have more fun. I think I have more fun in sobriety now than I did before. I think. I just did the same shit every day and now I have fun. It's like I do it's just different. And like I was saying it's been six years and now it's kind of like it's easy so when the opportunity comes up I can kind of **** with people a little bit. And an example of that is I was in a cafe a few weeks ago and I ordered a Diet Coke because I don't know if you know this about sober people but Diet Coke is water for us. I ordered a Diet Coke right? And the guy behind the counter he's a little he looked like me but a barista so like emaciated right? He's like can I get can I get a Diet Coke? And he's like it's a kid. And he goes to hand it to me but then he like pulled it back and he goes hey just before you take this he goes I just have to say they've done tests on this stuff and it turns out it's carcinogenic so it causes cancer and I was like hey man listen I used to smoke crack so I'm probably just gonna drink this Diet Coke. That's so fun for me. We have so much fun in sobriety like I one of my one of our favorite things to do as sober people is to judge you guys. That's one of our favorite things to do. Like I love it when people tell me that they're addicted to things that are not drugs and alcohol. That's cute. Like you're addicted to the gym? Are you though? Yeah? You ever miss three days of work because you were doing squats? I don't think you did Bryce. It's not the same thing okay? I get that addiction is addiction. I do understand that okay? But the stakes are not as high. Okay? Like I'm not using other personal trainers because I owe my regular personal trainer $40. It's not the same. I'm not gonna walk into my buddy's house he's got a Peloton all of a sudden I'm like damn Kyle those are expensive man how'd you pay for that? He's like mostly just copper wiring from construction sites. It's not the same thing. That lady you work with that says she's addicted to chocolate? Alright. Just go get some ******* chocolate Heather. No one gives a shit. You're not injecting cocoa between your toes so your co-workers don't find out. When's the last time you locked your kids in the car at 4 o'clock in the morning because you wanted a Kit Kat? Fuck outta here. My sister says she's addicted to cheese? You rascal. Addicted to cheese? Were you snorting parmesan? Out of one of those big green craft containers in the bathroom at our grandma's funeral? Cause I didn't see you when I was in there doing cocaine. No man. I think my actual favorite part of being sober is that at 42 my mom is proud of me for the first time is what it feels like. My mom is amazing. My mom is like my favorite person and she's the sweetest lady in the world. She is like a tiny 5 foot 2 felt mouse that you put on a Christmas tree. She's the cutest lady in the world and she's cool too. My mom, my mom is 72 years old and she has a podcast. Right? It's great too. If you want to listen to it you just have to have the password to my voicemail. It's called Guess Who Died. She's here too. Love you mom. You're doing great. It's great. Great stuff. That's more than enough. Do you remember that boy? You remember that boy you went to elementary school with? I'm like I ******* don't. No one does. I have no idea. Being around my mom is like having a Google Home that you don't have to ask questions to. She just gives you she's like it's snowing on the Malahat. Alright. It's COVID. No one can go anywhere. Not trying to hit up the doghouse for lunch. You know what I mean? That's not going to go on the album but it's fun. It's way too local. In Toronto they're like the Malahat. That's bad ****. Good stuff. Mom's be saying it. It's true story. My mom's cool dude. My mom's from the streets but it's like Coronation Street. Trying to get her to get knuckle tattoos that say Earl Grey. No life is good man. Life is good. I feel like I got my shit together the most I've ever had in my life. Things are going good. It's fun. All that's left to do now is to win the lottery and get the hell out of here. Am I right everybody? I'm going to quit this greasy town. That's what everybody says when they're like if I win the lottery I'm quitting my job today. I'm going to piss on my boss's desk. I don't know man. I don't think that's the move. I don't think that's what you do if you win the lottery. You don't quit your job. Don't quit your job if you win the lottery. What you do is you get more jobs and then you get fired from them for fun reasons. That's your job now. Do you know what I mean? Like the day that I win 400 million dollars in a lottery is the best day of my life but it is the worst day of my grocery manager's life. Who let all these hawks into the break room? I did Gary. I'm rich. You think these cashiers have hawk money? Get out of here. I don't think so pal, right? I don't want to work at Wendy's now but if I'm a billionaire I work at Wendy's now. Right? Is deep fryer basketball a thing? I don't know Kevin my assistant manager it is now bitch I'm rich. I think it messes you up. I don't think that you can have that kind of money and just be a normal person. I don't think like that's why all our billionaires are flying into the space on dicks and digging holes under Vegas and buying Twitter. They're all crazy. I don't think that you can be normal and have that kind of money. I think it turns you into a super villain and I want to experience that part of life also. Now that I'm sober I want to experience all aspects of life including being a Disney villain. Right? Because it makes you crazy. I'm nice. I'm a nice person. I'm super nice. You can tell because I'm yelling it at you from a microphone. Okay? But if I win 400 million dollars I'm going to turn into a psychopath. I know it. Like I'm super nice, right? But if I win 400 million dollars tonight tomorrow I'm sitting in front of Legoland because I rented it out just so I could watch kids cry because it's closed. Right? I want to be weird rich. I want to be crazy guy rich. Right? Where you're just not sure what's going on. Like I want to be rich enough to have 11 orphans dressed like a NASCAR pit crew run out of my closet to make my bed really fast in the morning. Right? Weirdo shit. That's what I'm talking about. Like do you have that friend who says they just want to be comfortable financially? Well **** that loser. I want to be uncomfortably rich. I want to be rich enough so that I could hunt golden retrievers and just not care about the backlash. I said could not would. Okay? I would never hunt golden retrievers. I would never. I would never hunt golden retrievers. Okay? You don't have to because they come right up to you when you call their name. Pancakes. Thank you guys. Thank you so much. It's very fun. Thank you. I want to thank you guys all for coming out tonight. This has been awesome and there's something I always try to leave audiences with when I do this and I think there's a lot of division and bad, terrible things going on in the world. It's a really dark place and I think it's really awesome that we can all come together in a comedy show and laugh and I think that if there's anything you can take away from a comedy show specifically this one is that it takes 36 muscles to frown. Okay? But it only takes four full-size golden retrievers to make a fancy coat. Thank you so much. Thank you. You can tell I'm 42 because my flashlight was on through that whole show. Beep boop.