Amy Hetherington: Juggle (Full Comedy Special filmed in Darwin)

Hello friends, how are you going? This is so exciting, look, we're filming this tonight, so I don't know if you know there's cameras. So how about we do a comedy intro so that I look like somebody who's off the telly and not just Amy from Wongari. I reckon we'll do that. Okay, so I'm just going to hide and then you guys can cheer me back on. Hang on, I'll put this over here. This is Darwin, there's no green rooms here. This is, I'm going to hide behind the flowers, all right. All right, Darwin, my wonderful, wonderful home. Please put your hands together and welcome Amy Hetherington. Can you tell people in Darwin are starved for entertainment? Fuck, that was kinder than I deserved, friends, thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here and to be doing a show in Darwin with you guys and with this filming thing, because this is fancy for a Darwin girl. This is ******* fancy. I mean, look, you guys have all your teeth. They trust you guys with real glass in here. This is pretty good, because not all Darwin gigs are fancy. Like, I've been doing comedy around the top end for a long time and they're not all fancy. I was doing a show once and in the middle of the show, a guy put his hand up. I was like, all right, mate, it's Q&A. What do you want? And he said, oh, I just want to let you know, you're doing better than I expected. And I was like, oh, **** off, dad. You guys are fun. I couldn't think, I could not think of a better place to film a show than in Darwin, because Territorians know how to ******* laugh. You guys have to. Like, you know how to laugh at things, like, you'll enjoy this. This afternoon, I saw a grey nomad on one of the purple scooters. Fucking wah. Little old lady has jumped on the purple scooter. She is shaking. She can't see over the handlebars. And she's hit the throttle and ******* gone. And the last thing I heard from her was, does this thing have brakes? And see, you laugh at that. People in Sydney are like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We haven't got enough age care to deal with this. Darwin's like, ******* send it, Gladys. Proper mono and a hip love. Had a look at the demographic and I'm in trouble for that one. I just ******* love it. Like, Darwin is the best, because you have to laugh if you're living here. It is 100% humidity. It is, ****, it's hot tonight too, isn't it, my friends? Like, this is being filmed. I put some effort on. I drew my eyebrows on. And when I stepped out of the car, they melted to my upper lip. It's turned into someone's nonna. It's Movember every year at my house. Oh, my goodness, it's so hot. And like, I was at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival earlier this year. Thank you. Oh, I was, I didn't do any shows, it just turned up. I was in Edinburgh and I arrived in Edinburgh and I heard somebody go, oh, it's a bit humid, isn't it? Fucking my territory pride kicked in. I was like, humid? Humid, you call this humid? My sweat glands haven't even activated yet. I'm drier than a single girl on Mitchell Street. Good thing about my comedy is if you're not laughing, you're learning. You guys are fun. Like, you know how to laugh. Darwin people know how to laugh at things. And also, like, you have to have a bit sense of humour because you can't get away with anything in this town. Because everyone knows everybody. Like, I got recognised at the shops the other day. Like, I was in Coles and this woman came up to me and she was like, I know who you are. And I was like, oh, yeah, you know, I do comedy. And she was like, oh, no, I know who you are. You're the girl with the golden retriever that always poos on Lion Street. That's embarrassing. Because now I need to find somewhere else to poo. Oh, you got that. Well done. I did that joke in Catherine and they were like, what do you mean? We all shit on the streets here. A lot of Darwin jokes in this show. And I just wanted to get a bit of a vibe of the room. Who's having a drink tonight? Yes. Yes. And the ladies are. I saw on the news the other day, I saw this, like, news thing that came out. And it said that when a woman has three standard drinks, she has the same level of testosterone that a bloke has all the time. The girls are like, **** you. That means any night that you go out, you're one white wine away from doing a burnout in the car park. I'll have one more beer and I'll set my pubes on fire. And to be honest, I'm excited to be here. I'm excited to be in a room full of adults, because for people that don't know, I'm a mum. I've got a three year old baby girl. It's all right. She's in the car. She's a Darwin baby. She's looking after my car. Of like toddlers, like that three year old age. I don't know if you've ever seen a toddler before, but ****, they're a lot. They're exhausting. They are so much like we, Ruby, my daughter and I, we caught the bus the other day. And I know what you're thinking, a bus in Darwin, that's hectic. But me and the three year old were the scariest thing on the bus. She licked a window. Some methy bloke was like, oh, love, I wouldn't even do that. There are a lot like they are exhausting these toddlers, these little three year olds, they get around everywhere. And I sat down the other day and I thought to myself, ****, I just need a minute. And my three year old has walked past me, thrown me their shuckers and has gone into the bathroom. And I was like, oh, what could she possibly do? In a minute. Yeah, ****, it looked like we lost a game of Jumanji. Every cupboard was empty. Dog was covered in toilet paper, lipstick over the window. And I was like, holy shit, a toddler can achieve more in an unsupervised minute than most tradies doing a ******* fortnight. And she was on time. Do we have any tradies in tonight? Yeah. I'm not worried. What are you going to do? Yeah, I was going to say, yeah, it's going to organise to fight me in the car park and turn up two weeks late. Pew, pew. Oh, and I just like toddlers, their energy is amazing. And personally, I think it would be amazing if we could bottle toddler energy. Like, wouldn't that be great? Like, yes, if we could bottle toddler energy, personally, I'd keep it in a spray bottle. And just use it on useless pricks. Walk into the MVR. Nowhere else I'd use it. I'd use it on the people that designed the Kavanagh shade structure. Joke's not going to translate on the Internet, but **** it. That's for my Darwin crowd, that is. And I'll tell you what, like having a toddler, having a little kid means you learn lots about plants and animals. That's part of the deal of being a mum. Like the other day, I learned that the fastest land animal is my toddler with something in her mouth. Also learned that the slowest land animal is my husband doing a poo. There's a couple of dads in the crowd that are feeling very targeted right now. I said to my husband, I was like, what the **** are you doing in there? And he said, oh, Amy, it's important to find moments of mindfulness. And I tell you what, the other thing I have learnt since becoming a parent is I think that I'm a braver comedian. Now I'm a mum. Now that I've got a kid, I'm a braver comedian because I throw jokes out there. And if they don't work, I'm just grateful for silence. And do we have any parents in? Like, let me get a bit of a vibe. Who's a parent here? Make some noise. Oh, ****, you sound tired, eh? And in contrast, if you're not a parent, make noise. I used to be able to make that noise. Do we have any grandparents in? Oh, the grandies. Just a quick question for the grandparents in the room. Just quick question. Is having grandkids better than your own kids? Fuck, you didn't even hesitate. You didn't even think about it. You were like, yeah, it's because I get that, too. My mum, I realise, has been living to be a grandma, living for it. Me, as her daughter, I'm a mild, inconvenient speed bump. She had to get over to get to her goal. I'm like broccoli before dessert. Far out. And the parents in the room, how are you going? How are you handling the juggle? Going OK? It's hard. The juggle's hard. Like being a parent, for those of you that don't know, this is a great contraceptive. It's hard because there is no training in being a parent, absolutely none, like nothing. You don't have to sign anything. You don't have to do anything. I had my baby and my midwives handed her to me. And the last thing they said was, trust your instincts. My instincts were to hand the baby back. Like control, alt, delete, control, alt, delete. Trust your instincts. That's a crazy thing to say to somebody, because as human beings, we don't know how to use our instincts anymore. Like peanut butter has a warning on it that it may contain traces of nuts. We're ******* idiots. You know, there's an entire industry dedicated to stopping us using our instincts. It's called occupational health and safety. OH&S is the reason so many idiots are still alive. It's the reason so many people with rat's tail survive their apprenticeship. But there is this, being a parent is ******* hard. And I think one of the things that makes it really hard is that other parents judge you and make you feel bad about your choices. Like when I had my baby, a woman came up to me and she was like, you know, if you care about that baby, you will exclusively breastfeed. Oh, I was like, how dare you? How dare you presume I care about the baby? We call that woman the bitch from daycare. Everyone's got a bitch from daycare. Everyone's got a bitch in their mum's group. They're the ones that aren't included in the second chat. If you realise that's you tonight, I'm so sorry. But that woman, you know what else she said to me? She said to me, you know, Amy, you two are comedy. When you have a baby, you're not going to be able to do a comedy anymore. You're not going to be able to handle it. Yeah. So I took the baby with me on a comedy tour to every state and territory in Australia. Yeah. Turns out my love language is spite. Driven by proven bitches wrong. It's good. The bitch from daycare is a ******* pain. She's the only thing I don't like at our daycare. Everything else about it is fantastic. Although the other day I dropped Ruby off at daycare with a big scratch on her forehead, and I was so embarrassed dropping her off because I was like, that's a big scratch. I look like a bad mum. Good luck. And as I was checking her in at the daycare, the lady there was writing some things in a book and looking at Ruby. And I was like, oh, what are you doing? And she's like, oh, we just wanted to confirm that the scratches were here before we had her. And I laughed because I didn't realise my baby was a hire car. It's good they brought her back with full fuel, too. And like Ruby gets scratches all the time. She's always hurting herself because she's not a bubble wrapped kid. I don't know what other parents in this room are doing with theirs. I don't bubble wrap Ruby. She's allowed to do whatever she kind of wants. It's Darwin. She can lick a cane toad. Go for it. If you ever need to get some washing done, give your kid a cane toad. They just stare at the TV for hours. You're all really worried about me now. But she's not she's not a bubble wrapped kid. And the reason why she's not a bubble wrapped kid is because I didn't have a bubble wrapped childhood. Like I grew up in the 90s with a DIY dad. Anyone else here have a DIY dad? He didn't care about buying things. He wanted to make all of our fun. So he was a bit reckless. There was no safety procedures involved. OH&S, **** that, not involved at all. Like we'd have water fights growing up with my dad. And he always thought that the Kmart plastic super soaker just wasn't good enough. So what my dad would do during a water fight is he would get the fire extinguisher, fill it with water and then pressurize it using the car engine. So if you heard the car start during a water fight at my house, you had 30 seconds to run because Rob would come around the corner and just knock kids off their feet like a police riot. Some kid called Jamie came up the hill to join us for a water fight one year and dad just rolled him back down the hill. So I'll get a job and a haircut before you talk to my girls, Jamie. Loose unit of a dad. You know, this game the kids play at the moment, like the floor is lava. Yeah, my dad. No, not cool enough. Not enough authenticity for him. What he would do is he'd get the coals after the barbecue and put them on the floor. You're not going to fall in the lava now, are you? Very agile childhood. And I reckon the best thing my dad ever did, like the story that he tells everybody that everyone in my hometown knows about was the year my dad built a flying fox. So I grew up. You've already worked this out. It doesn't end well for me. So we grew up in the southwest of W.A. Lots of limestone cliffs across the water out there. And one year my dad decided to build a flying fox. And his idea of a flying fox was to get a rope, tie it to a boulder at the top of the cliffs and then climb 10 metres down to the ocean and tie the other end of the rope to a semi submerged rock at the bottom. Us kids would then get a towel, swing it over the rope and then jump and glide gracefully down to the bottom. Yeah, it's a good good in theory. Good in theory. Fucking not very good in reality. I tell you, because we we we went to try it out. And because where I grew up, small town, half the town turned up to see it get used. The mayor was there with the scissors cutting the red ribbon. He's like, OK, this is going to be number one on TripAdvisor. I'm the oldest child, which means he's allowed to **** up with me. And there's other ones. So it's OK. So it was my job to test the flying fox. So I swung the towel over the rope. I looked out over the ocean. I looked down 10 metres to the rocks at the bottom. And I looked at my dad who did this. And I jumped. And friends, I did not glide gracefully down to the bottom. I plummeted straight down because it turns out that 15 year old Amy's body weight is enough to dislodge the boulder out of the side of the cliff and bring it down after me. Like Wile E. Coyote's got Acme written on the side of it. The rock has landed here. I've landed there. Just missed me. Right. I've broken the surface. I've looked up and I can see half the town and my dad up on the top of the cliff looking down. And at this point, most parents would say something supportive like, are you OK or sorry? No, my dad, he had an audience. Rob's looked over the edge of the cliff and he's looked down at me and he's gone. Well, no more cake for Amy. It's one of the main reasons we're trying gentle parenting. Also, probably one of the main reasons I got into comedy. Oh, fun. Oh, you guys, you guys are great. I'm having a really fun time. Is it OK if I do something a little bit edgier? Yeah, that was like almost enthusiastic consent. I got a little a little bit edgy. I just got to check these things. It's important to check, always check in. Right. So like I do comedy shows like this, which are great. It's full of people that are having a good time and being delightful. Thank you. Sometimes I do shows on a lineup with other comedians and sometimes those other comedians say something cooked and I have to get on stage after them and try and fix it. Don't know if you've ever been to one of these shows before. Awkward. I got on stage once after a fella who did this joke. You may have heard it before around a barbecue. He got up there and he went, oh, watching my wife give birth was like watching my favourite pub burn down. Isn't that fucked? Because I got on stage after him as the only woman on the lineup. And I was like, oh, that was so wrong. Because as the owner of a pub, if it hasn't burnt down, we're just closed for renovations. We knocked out the retaining wall. Now it's open plan. Like I said, if you're not laughing, you're learning. So and, you know, I don't know if your Google history is the same as mine, but I looked up. You can't, you know, you cannot get a vagina reconstruction covered by your health insurance. But Medicare covers a penis implant. Do you know that? Yeah. Your health insurance won't cover a vagina reconstruction, but Medicare will cover a penis implant. And I think it's the same as Australia's response to climate change. Because as taxpayers, we're happy to pay for dysfunctional dicks to do nothing. But no one is willing to fork out the cash when the whole cunt's broken. Well, I'm glad you like that one. I wrote that joke after a 3 a.m. cluster feed with my baby on the tit. And I was like, yeah, well done, Amy, you deserve a cookie. It's hard. It's hard being a parent. Like it is. It's a hard thing, because when you become a mom, if anyone in this room has done that, you sometimes lose a little bit of yourself in the chaos of it. And the thing that I feel like I lost when I became a mom is I feel like I lost my sexiness. And don't get me wrong, Darwin, I can see you looking at me and I'm well aware I'm a milf. I'm a ten and Palmerston. That laugh ******* hurt. But we were mates anyway. But I get I get how I present and how I act, but I don't feel the sexiness that I once felt. Like as an example, the other day, I pulled a muscle having missionary sex with my husband. Like in my 20s, I used to be flippable. Now, in my 30s, it's much more like rotisserie style chicken. Slow, steady, lots of basting, you know. What's it like in your 40s, anyone? So I asked the question in Alice Springs and a woman yelled out, well, in your 60s, you make them pull their own muscle. How good's Alice Springs? And like the hard part about like feeling like you've lost your sexiness is trying to do things to get it back, because you're supposed to be able to do everything, you're supposed to be able to juggle everything in your life. So you've got to get your sexiness back when you become a parent. And I asked some friends, I was like, how do I feel more me and more mojo after having a kid? And one of them was like, well, you know, whenever I want to feel sexy, I just flirt with my husband, which is a really lovely idea. But I'm married to a civil engineer. And that man is too practical to flirt. Like I said to him, I was like, hey, should we get more adventurous in the bedroom? And he asked for a risk assessment first. Like, I still don't know what the appropriate PPE gear is for doggy style. But if anyone has a harness, I'm interested. He's a delight of a man, but he's just not a very like sexy, flirty human. Like even making our baby wasn't a sexy experience. He's a civil engineer. He project managed the shit out of that. We had an Excel spreadsheet called Operation Insemination. I wish that was a joke. But it was the sexiest thing that happened in my life is an alarm would go off on my phone and my husband, Paul, would kick in the door. I'd be like, hey, Amy, I've got 13.2 minutes to give you my seed. Oh, be still my beating heart. 13.2. Some of you are impressed by that. He is. He just doesn't. Romance doesn't sit comfortably within the computer boy that he is. Like he's part robot. It doesn't sit in the programming like Valentine's Day this year. Do you know what he did? He came up to me on Valentine's Day. He kissed me and looked me in the eyes. And said, Amy, I love you. Like the first normal poo after gastro. Is that love? Like some of you are nodding. And I did that joke in Sydney and they were like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. People in Darwin are like, put it in a ******* card. Sell it at the markets. I did. I did that joke when I was in Perth and the middle of the show, a girl was texting, which is totally fine. Do whatever you want to do, which is in the front row. And I was like, who are you texting? And she showed me she was texting her husband. I love you like the first normal poo after gastro. And the best part, best part is I got a message from her on Instagram the next day that just said it got me laid. Still got it. Oh, but my my husband is a beautiful, beautiful, intelligent man. Like he's an award winning engineer. He's so smart, but he's also so stupid. Do you know people like this? So smart, so stupid. Drummers are like that. Yeah. Yeah. Are you a drummer or a bass player or guitarist? Of course, a guitarist thinks a drummer's dumb. I like the confidence that you've got to come into this joke with that part. Aren't you a teacher? Yeah. The problem with heckling in a Darwin show is I know all of you. Well, the guitarist is in charge of educating our children, so that's ******* sick. My husband, so, so smart, so stupid. Dumb thing he did the other day. He came into the bedroom wearing nothing but a business shirt. It's a visual. And he says, Amy, this is what it would look like if I went to work without pants. Then he's waved his dick at me. 15 years, I've made choices. And and being an engineer, Delightful Paul is really, really into his hobbies, like obsessed with his hobbies. He makes homebrew. That's one of the things that he does. He makes his own homebrew. And it's great. I shouldn't complain about having free beer on tap at home. But if I want to try any of the free beer, I have to reverse engineer the flavor profiles with him. How do you make drinking boring? Reverse engineer the flavor profiles. Just take me back to the days when I just had to reverse cowgirl for the free beer. I just don't know what the PPE gear is. On the other hobby, he's got the new thing that he's into is gardening. Fucking loves gardening. He's growing his own pumpkins. And he's even got an alarm on his phone to remind him in the morning to go out and pollinate the pumpkin pumpkins. Pollinate the pumpkins. Pollinate. Fuck, I'm going to do that joke again because I just stumbled over that. I'm editing this. I can fix it. That's so ******* ballsy of me. Pretend like I didn't do it. I might just keep that in. I might just ******* keep it in so everyone knows how much of an obnoxious dickhead I am. So, husband's really into gardening. You're not supposed to do that because now it looks too ******* obvious. I'll go to edit it and they'll be like, wow, Darwin people really ******* like gardening. I love how supportive you are. This really looks like I've stacked this with friends and family. Pretend like it's just like a new joke, like you guys are at a really mellow level. Don't come in too hot. It's like dating somebody. Just hold back. Just chill out a little bit. Keep it chill. Keep it chill. You guys can't ******* keep it chill. So, my husband, his other hobby that he's really into is he's into gardening. Can you imagine if in some weird world this does get picked up by Netflix? Imagine. Everyone around the world is going to be like, wow, Darwin really likes comedy. I'm only halfway through this shit. The big problem is I need this joke for a call back later. So, I can't be like, oh, we'll just forget about it. We have to have this joke in. This is the most cooked thing I've ever done. I love it. Fuck, I love you guys. There's at least two people in the audience now going, I don't get it. This is my favourite gig of my life. Keep calm. Hang on, hang on, reset. You guys okay? Sorry, the other thing that my... No, no. This is so fucked. The other thing that my husband is into is he's into gardening. I'm just going to go over the top of you and I'm going to edit it out. It's fine. I can do this. I'm a professional. None of you believed that, did you? The other thing that my husband is into is he's into gardening. He likes to grow his own vegetables. And he's even got an alarm on his phone to remind him to go out and pollinate the pumpkins. Every morning my husband wakes up and makes pumpkins ****. And I'm like, vegetables aren't the only thing that needs to be touched, Paul. I don't know if the joke's worth it, but that's okay. I'll edit it in and out. It's fine. Thanks for hanging in on that one, friends. Oh, that's so silly. I guess when you've been with somebody for a long time, the romance changes. Fifteen years I've been with Paul, the romance has changed. Don't sweep me off my feet. Just sweep. And I like you guys, so I can let you in on a little secret. I love, I think, yeah, I do. I love my dog more than my husband. Is anyone the same? Safe space, couple of hands went up there. No, I do, I think I love the dog more than my husband because I let the dog do things my husband can't do. No, not like that. Darwin is boring, but it's not that bad, right? No, no, no, like the dog can do things my husband can't do. Like the dog can leave hair on the floor inside. Husband can't do that. The dog can make eye contact with me while she poos. Husband can't do that. The dog can play with her bone on the couch. Husband can't, no, the husband does do that. And you know what, like I love the dog. We have got a golden retriever and she is such a ******* good dog. But since we've had a baby, she has gotten a little bit reckless to get attention back. And in the three years that I've had my daughter, that dog has gone into her nursery and stolen 12 dummies. Stolen and consumed. No wonder people recognise us when she poops, because she shits plastic. The other thing that my friends said to me, right, when I was talking to them about losing my sexiness, one of them said to me, they said, you know, a really great way to get your sexiness back is to try burlesque. And I don't know if anyone in this room has tried burlesque before, but I was a little bit apprehensive about it. Actually, not apprehensive, I was a little bit of a smartass about it. Because my friend said to me, you know, if you've got to do burlesque, do a workshop, do it properly. And being the smartass that I am, I was like, I don't need a workshop to show people my tits. I just need tequila. Because for me, back then, I thought that burlesque was just fancy stripping. Taking something simple and over-complicating it. Like when a middle-aged man starts cooking brisket. I'm going to take this meat and smoke it for 72 hours... ..in Cherrywood. And I've got a Bluetooth temperature controller connected to my phone. Anyone else live with one of these dickheads? You spend all weekend doing everything else around the house, looking after the kids, cooking everything else that goes with that meal, and they come up and they're like, I cooked meat! Sorry, I owe you a drink. But look, I'll be honest, Darwin, I was wrong. I was wrong to think that burlesque was going to be simple. And I was also wrong to do my first ever burlesque routine at a sold-out variety show without any choreography or advice. I am an over-confident dickhead with no skills. I'm a politician. I should have run in the last election. I'd be the ******* chief minister. But here's the thing, I got confident. I was like, **** yeah, I'll do burlesque, that'll be fine. And they put my name on a poster and it's sold out, so I had to do it. And I had to go on this burlesque journey. And the first step in this burlesque journey to get my sexiness back was to go and get some little undies. And I don't know about you, but I'm not the kind of person that wears little undies. I like my undies above my belly button at all times. They provide physical and emotional support. Everyone else? High-waisted undies? Yeah? Question, any of the blokes here wear high-waisted undies? No? See, look, I've got a theory. I reckon if more men wore high-waisted undies, we'd be able to fix toxic masculinity. Some big fella would leave the house and he'd be like, oh, nah, I don't have to punch anyone in the back of the head today. I feel supported. For the sake of my sexiness, I got some little undies and some nipple tassels. I had one rehearsal in my kitchen. And then it was showtime. And look, I'll just... I'm not going to do the whole ******* routine for you guys. I've only spent $15 on a ticket, but... But what happened is this show happened and I'd signed up to do burlesque to try and get my sexiness back after being a mum. And what happened is the curtain dropped, I walked out onto the stage and I was like, all right, I've got to dance sexy. And I didn't know what to do, so I just started doing this. Just looked like I was trying to wind up some car windows. Some of you are too young to know that car windows used to wind. When your mum left you in the car, somebody would come towards the window and ask for 50 cents and you'd be like... So I'm doing this one and then I realised I had to do something sexy with my face. That's a fine line, isn't it? Too little enthusiasm. Looks like a hostage situation. Too much enthusiasm. You are the hostage. I'm doing this sexy dancing and then I'm like, all right, it's time to release my boobs. And I'll be honest, my boobs haven't bounced back since breastfeeding. Actually, my boobs haven't bounced since breastfeeding. They're a bit like a KFC burger. They look great in photos. The moment you take them out of their packaging, it's a ******* mess. Those chicken fillets are never as big as you expect. And so much lettuce. I got the boobs out, I was getting confident and I was like, oh yeah, I can do this, I'm doing burlesque. And then I got too confident and I decided to do the helicopter. Which is where they make their boobs go round and round and round. But with my little boobs and without any advice from somebody that knew what they were doing, it just looked like I was trying to cook pikelets. And the nipple tassels look so silly. Like somebody put a party hat in a two-week-old lemon. And you know what was the worst part about doing burlesque? The part that sticks with me forever. I was doing this, having a fail at the helicopter, and I look in the front row at this burlesque show and there's my dad. Because he's so supportive. Dad's there like, oh Amy, that's not how the helicopter goes. It's like this, ready? One, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three. He's like, wow, this elastic would have been good for the flying box. Silly kid. And on this whole thing about trying to find myself and rekindle some sexiness after being a mum, one other friend said to me, you know a great way to feel like yourself again is to play a sport. So I decided to play a sport in the past couple of years as a way to feel sexy again. And friends, the sport I chose is cricket. It's a mixed reaction. Anyone think cricket's sexy? I get it, I get it. Not a lot of people think cricket's sexy. It goes for a long time and not a lot happens. It's like a man with Viagra but no imagination. After five days, you're happy with the draw. Oh, that's a test cricket joke. On the Venn diagram of mum material and cricket material, I sit right in the ******* middle of that. And I started playing cricket. It was like a thing to kind of get my confidence back and I started playing and I started playing and somebody came up to me at the beginning of the season and this guy was like, Oh, love, I like your enthusiasm but girls can't play cricket. I was like, mate, my genitals don't make me bad at cricket. I achieved that myself. So not that good. Like the first game of cricket I played, I got out CBW. Like LBW, a leg before wicket. Little bit higher. Turn to the person next to you if they're not cricket fans and explain it. CBW, I got out CBW and I always thought I had a box wasn't the right one. And if you're somebody that thinks cricket's boring, I reckon you should tell that to my bruised vulva. I ran that joke past a few of the comedy boys in Darwin and one of them was like, who's Bruce Vulva? Do you guys get the same visual for Bruce? He's got a moustache like Merv Hughes. Sorry Merv. And you know, like I did that joke at a show and somebody brought their 15-year-old son to the comedy show, their parenting choice, not mine, and they came to the show and on the drive home she's told me that the son has gone to her, Hey mum, I know what Amy meant when she said CBW and the mum's gone, what? And he said, clitoris before wicket. Which makes me think the youth are going to be fine. But a couple more stories for you, my friends. So like I tried all these things to try and get my confidence and myself back a little bit, but the reality is when you become a parent, you kind of break a little bit and you break easily. Like when I became a mum, I felt like I was from K-Mart. Because I did not hold together well. Don't get me wrong, I love K-Mart, I love K-Mart, I love K-Mart, I love K-Mart, I ******* love K-Mart. Nothing brings me more joy than when you're wearing something and somebody comes up to you and they're like, I like your outfit. And you get to go... It's from K-Mart. Fuck, that's better than sex. It's so good. But if I was jumping out of a plane and the pilot told me that the parachute was from K-Mart, I'd be like, this is not going to work. Can't wait to tell the rescuers it's from K-Mart. So I broke a little bit when I had Ruby. It was about eight months in I had a meltdown because Ruby was going through a sleep regression. And if you're a parent or you know a parent with a child that's gone through a sleep regression, it's absolute chaos. If you don't know what a sleep regression is, it just means that the kid stops ******* sleeping and you get crazy. Like you get crazy trying to find a way to get that kid to sleep. You spend hours trying to find the perfect mix between gentle and violent bouncing. And you get the kid to sleep in your arms and then the moment you put them in the cot and their head hits the pillow, their eyes go bing. Where the **** are you going, mum? Get back in here, we're doing shots. And like I know some people, some people have kids that sleep. And if you're somebody that had a kid that slept, I'm so happy for you. Like the bitch from daycare, she came up to me once and she said, my baby is like a computer. If I leave it for 15 minutes, it just goes to sleep. I was like, oh yeah, my kid's like a computer too. It shits itself whenever I have something to do. I don't like her. She'll probably see this, this is great. She'll learn about the other chat. It's going to make life so much easier. It won't, it'll be really hard. I'm bouncing Ruby and I'm getting desperate for her to go to sleep. It's been about an hour and a half of trying to get her to go to sleep and I'm exhausted, I've got other shit to do. So my theory was I was going to put her in the cot, jump in with her, spoon her, and then ghost her like a one night stand. Have you ever done that? You wake up next to somebody and you're like, oh, I had too much vodka. You are not a Hemsworth. So I'm spooning the baby, she's fallen asleep and I'm like, yes. I get my arm out and I start to climb out of the cot like a ninja and as I'm climbing out, my phone vibrates, falls out of my pocket and wakes her up. And it vibrated because my husband has sent me a text message and the text message is a link to an interesting article on baby sleep schedules. And I'm just there like, oh, go **** a pumpkin, Paul. I've got to start the whole thing again. Start the whole thing again, right? I am bouncing this baby, trying to keep calm, I'm square breathing, you know, trying to keep mindful. I'm like in 1, 2, 3, 4, out 1, 2, 3, 4, in 1, 2, 3, 4, out 1, 2, 3, 4 and then bang, the nursery door opens and in comes the dog. Tail wagging. She's like, oh, you look stressed. Can I help? And then my baby girl looks at me, looks at the dog, looks back at me and as if she's performing a trick at Sea World, takes the dummy out of her mouth, throws it in the air and the dog jumps up and swallows it whole. It's the most amazing thing I have ever seen. But my baby does not sleep without a dummy and that dummy, the one inside the golden retriever, is the last one in the house. I'm like, for ****'s sake, we're going to have to go for a walk on Lion Street. You guys are very fun and I appreciate you so much. Thank you for coming to this show. I've got one last little chunk of jokes and then we kind of wrap up our time together. You're so delightful and I appreciate you for being here. This feels very Darwin to me and I love you. Could we please just quickly thank the sound and the camera guys and everyone here? So I'm going to do the last bit of jokes but I just wanted to say for anyone in this room, right, that is a parent or is doing a lot of things at the same time, be kind to yourself. We talk about juggling as this great thing that you're supposed to be able to do as a busy human, whether that's a parent or otherwise. I don't mind if you've got kids or not, this still matters to you. Juggling, you're supposed to be able to juggle everything and I think it is a shit analogy for human beings because have you looked at a juggler? They're poor. They're like, I can't feed my family. Fuck juggling as an analogy for being busy people. Juggling is a terrible analogy because when you think about what juggling is, it's you juggling balls around and around and around and you can't stop and have a present moment with any of those things because the moment you have a present moment, everything drops and then you're supposed to have failed. I think it's a shit analogy because I think we should stop every now and again, let the balls hit the floor and let sweat drop down your balls, whatever it is, but have that moment to let things fall to the ground and have present moments with individual things. I don't care if you fail at that moment, but as long as you're looking after yourself, I care far more about that, my friends. The only thing that you have to be in this world is just don't be the bitch from daycare. It's really simple. Don't be a dick. All right, so last lot of jokes that I'll do for you, my friends. So when I got pregnant, I got stupid. Like, I used to be so smart. My ATAR, 95.7. Like, I was such a smart person, got pregnant, got stupid. When I was heavily pregnant, I tried to warm up a cup of water in the microwave and I went to put the cup of water in the microwave and it wouldn't fit, so I poured water out and tried again. Stupid! And I have a theory. I reckon that baby brain or this idea that you just get a bit silly when you're making a baby is contagious. Because when I was pregnant, my husband got dumber. Dumbest thing he did. I was walking down the corridor pregnant and it wasn't as easy as it used to be for him to get past me, so he decided to make a joke. I know, he was like, it's a bit like trying to overtake an oversized load. And he looked at me and realised he was about to get a sack tap. But before I could get him, he goes, oh, but babe, without trucks, Australia stops. Lucky prick. But I reckon also that baby brain is contagious for other people, like people you don't know. Because when you're pregnant, people just come up to you and start giving you advice. And some of that advice is cooked. Like when I was heavily pregnant, I had a woman come up to me and she was like, oh, you're pregnant? You know, if you want to have a beautiful baby, you should only look at beautiful things. I was like, ****, I wish somebody told me that earlier. I did a gig in Catherine. This kid doesn't stand a chance. And if there is some logic in that, what do you reckon Barnaby Joyce's mum was looking at for nine months? Picked up a tomato. Looked directly into the sun. I want my baby to look boiled. Then another woman came up to me when I was pregnant. She was like, oh, you're pregnant? You know, when you name your baby, it should be a consensual experience. The baby should have a say in what it's named. Fucking Rapid Creek hippies. And I was like, oh, yeah, cool, how do I do that? And she said, well, what you do is you wait for the baby to kick. Whatever you're looking at when you kick, that's what you call it. And I was like, **** that. I'll end up with a baby called Netflix. This other woman, so wild. She was like, ran past me, saw that I was pregnant and kind of like jogged back. And she was like, hey, you're pregnant. Word of warning while you're pregnant, you shouldn't eat too many carrots when you're pregnant because you could stain your baby. I was like, that doesn't sound right. But I didn't want to risk it. End up with a Donald Trump looking baby. Just grabs my pussy on the way out. That joke dated and then came all the way back around. It's nice to include that one. But the piece of advice I will never forget, I will never forget this moment, right? Heavily pregnant, a woman came up to me and she grabbed both of my hands in hers and she looked me directly in the eyes and she said, I hated both of my children with every fibre of my being. Good luck, bitch. And I was like, oh, thanks, Mum. Thank you, Darwin. This has been an absolute treat.