All the In-Laws ｜ Everybody Loves Raymond

Really a great house. Yeah, and we're right across the street, you know, the three rules of real estate location location Location. Yeah. Yeah great location. All right, you know, why don't I just talk to Debra for a minute? Okay. Okay, you go ahead I'll just go upstairs and turn the lights off before we lock up help yourself to coffee and doughnuts They're complimentary You might not have to move really We need a bigger place right we're having twins how big a place do they need look where they live now Can I ask you something when are you gonna get over your parents You don't understand what they're like, they're gonna get you too. I know what they're like Ray. They're very nice people Every other month, it's not the same. No, you're overreacting completely overreacting Close your eyes for a second. Why just close your eyes. I want to show you something Point doing see, okay. That's my mom and dad right there. They're just a little annoying now if I don't If I don't do that for another two months Hey, that's not too bad I could almost live with that we move across the street from them. How does this feel? You see they get you look first of all, your parents are not this Secondly They're not gonna be over every day. Oh You poor blind fat lady This is not the house for us, that's all we have to keep looking Why why we can find something else just like this, but this house is right by your parents My god, do you hear what you're saying? It's the hormones that's that's tell me it's the hormones you got twice the hormones going now, what'd you say? In four months, we're gonna have three kids. Okay, I'm gonna need all the help I can get who better to help us than your parents the devil You remember how much work it was when Ali was born and you know, no offense, but you were you All right. I'll quit softball Ray your parents living across the street is the big selling point here No, I I know that you don't see it now but in time you will come to realize what a blessing it is to have Your family so close Ray Our two boys, huh, and we want to give him everything let's give him grandma and grandpa Oh That's great, that's great you won't be sorry I Tell you something else I just learned about this house that plumbing can take a punch Ray look honey, my gynecologist said that it might take several months to knock me up. Oh Honey you have nothing to worry about we have nothing to worry about. I Guess if it's a girl, it doesn't have to be Ramona. I also like Alexandra Alley I like that My father's an idiot, you know, I could use less of a Frank image right now He's not even home yet Frank and Robert still parking Oh Frank's looking for a broken meter if Robert wasn't with him He'd break one himself. I Made you some appetizers for tonight. I hope you don't mind Please anytime you want to come over with food. You're more than welcome How you been good and you You're pregnant No, I'm not yes you are Today I haven't even told Ray yet You're gonna be such a good grandmother So you found a parking space Frank I hate all these damn fire hydrants, I'm glad dogs pee on them All right about that Frank. Yeah damn fire hydrants Actually, I'm doing good I met a girl really what's your name Joanne? Oh, she's great We've only been out one time but I really think that this Now I feel big going on about not being able to park Uncle Robin Okay, so listen listen listen Ray doesn't know yet so when he gets home you have to let me Hey So, how was work? Oh god, my editor is such an idiot. Okay, so you had a bad day But how about everybody else? I mean your father's fine, and I'm fine And Robert's the same as always How was your day Debra, huh? Yeah, it was okay Marie. You okay, ma. Yes But the question is how is Debra? What's going on nothing why you know what Marie why don't you go break out your appetizers? Yeah, I'll go get those Okay. Okay, but nobody talk until I get back You know, it's a fun game to play silent Indian the no talking game play that Ray our first few years together have been a joy And and I think of our life together as a journey Journey and along this path We would share many joyful moments together moments that we will remember all the pregnant Bonsoir welcome to live in our doom. Holy crap We're with the whaling party, yes, your hosts have arrived already. I'll be glad to take you to your team Am I gonna have to tip this guy? We will see it ourselves. Thank you What's with your parents? It's like the first time they've worn shoes What what is it Isn't this one of those joints with those dressed-up waiters? Yeah. Yeah, what's wrong with dressed-up waiters? They give me the willies Spot, you know, it's like a 30 figures authority because you're a police sergeant. Okay, you outranked the waiter Yeah, but how's he gonna know Officer Robert How's police work treating you, you know one day you're rescuing a puppy and the next day you're fishing a skull out of a toilet Good evening Hi, I'm Gerard here are your menus Excuse me, but there's so much silverware on the table. What's all the silverware for? For you to eat with Look I mean that's this wasteful look I got five forks take three back That means extra washing Me too, I I don't need all these glasses. How many mouths do you think I got? Parents could you take one of them, please? I'll be back shortly with tonight's specials What kind of food do they serve here? I believe it's French Never been to France. Oh, no. No, no, we're not world travelers. Oh, France is so lovely You have to go. I don't appreciate the French As a people I Find them Annoying You're an interesting man Remember that time in Provence. Oh, this is funny We were in Provence and I asked our waiter. What are all these little herbs sprinkled on everything and the waiter says herbs de Provence Fresh bread, here we go Well, I'm so glad we came here You got any rye bread? No, sir. I'm sorry. We do I Like rye bread. They don't have any bed. I'll have a baguette. Oh, well, you got all these kinds of breads You don't have any rye bread rye bread is a very common bread. What do you do when Jewish people come in here? Would you like to speak with the manager sir, is he Jewish Okay Sorry, man Don't apologize the customer is always right. Am I right? I would never argue with you I don't get these places Perhaps you'd like to hear tonight's specials In addition to the menu the chef has prepared a crab and a puff pastry It's a Dungeness crab and a light butter and garlic sauce. How much is that? It's $32. Oh, geez. Hello Frank you're not allowed to look at the prices tonight. Hey Warren, wake up. Will you this guy's got both his hands in your pocket Do we we have a minute here, please certain. Thank you Thanks, this guy's really working me Frank I assure you it's okay. We've been here before so you don't even know when you're being taken Nobody's being taken. All right, calm down. Just try to enjoy yourself Frank has an eye for value We've been expecting you well not you exactly This is Lois the woman I've told you so much about I'm so happy to finally meet you and Ray hi and Robert. Hello Marie and Frank, it's a pleasure to meet you Emma, and that's a lovely pantsuit. Oh this old thing And this is my daughter Debra hi sweetheart Nice to meet you Debra. I baked this pie for you. Oh, thank you. It looks delicious. It's an old family recipe So you work at Warren's office, yes, I was all set to retire last year, but I decided I wasn't ready You know what? They say you're only as old as you feel that I'm not a day over 21 Oh, well Ali's with a friend right now and the twins are taking a nap We let him stay up late with grandma last night You know, actually after I drive I'm a bit tuckered out myself. Do you want to lie down would that be? All right. Uh, sure. Sure. I'll take you up. I can do it Deb Allie's room. Okay. Yep, great Thank you for inviting me to your home. I'm so happy to be spending Thanksgiving with you I Like her she seems very pleasant. Oh very pleasant. Yeah, she's great. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, it's good because you know, we all thought Warren was gonna go for someone younger, but it turns out He's just going for someone different. Oh I misspoke. I It's the opposite of what I said. I do that. I do that a lot Like I did last week I said I'm dinner what's for hungry And then I then I asked her if the cleaners were back from my pants Watching a car accident. I Think I'm going to go for a walk If you could just tell Warren and I'll be back in a little while I'll go with you mom. I'll come too All right, okay You guys have a good time. We'll just be here Okay Kill is going to Deborah you Why do you say things because Debra wanted me to be supportive of her mother or something, I don't know Trying to please the wife. What are you gonna learn? Where are the ladies? Oh, they went for a walk to get away from Raymond So, how's everybody been good good. Yeah, Emma seems nice a fine woman genteel Yeah, she's really terrific May I ask one question? Of course Frank. What the hell are you doing? She seems nice and all but she's a loo you've got a golden opportunity here It's still handsome you nice tan you got all your teeth and then some Was he naked I'm sorry You know what I'll go get it no Just just sleep now He and your mother are getting it on what it was horrible She was all and I'm sure they were doing that. Well, why don't you ask the hairs on my neck? No, I knew it I could tell that there was something between them She must have snuck over here, how cute is that? You don't understand you don't understand cuz your parents are still married I understand that You take it for granted. These are my parents. No really hurt when they got divorced. That's why this is so great Where you going? Are you crazy woman? All right, maybe you're right it might be embarrassing and it'll burn your retinas All right, we'll just pretend that we didn't see anything Okay, I don't know that I can Where does this tell us Morning, daddy. You sure slept late. Yeah That is some bed Okay, we're the kids in the yard, all right, I'm gonna go see if they're smoking You don't have any shoes on no, okay. Well come have breakfast with us I'm not gonna be hungry for a very long time Good morning loss How is everything across the street last night? Oh, I had a wonderful sleep. How about you great feel like a new man? These two have a terrific mess. I'll have to try it out sometime What's the matter Raymond, oh, no, I just I had a bad bad dream last night Okay eggs for mom Eggs for mom and dad Thanks, honey, buddy. Oh, it sure is good to see you too. So hungry again. What's that dear? Okay, nothing. Listen, I have to go borrow Marie's roasting pan. So I'll be back in a minute Everybody behave themselves God do you think she knows Raymond? I don't know. I don't know anything. Just eat your eggs They know they heard us I told you to keep it down, okay Thanks. Oh Water is better than butter We couldn't be happier that these two are getting married probably put on some clothes you're making everybody sick Amy dear you can remove all of your food because I've made some things You're from Pennsylvania, huh? Yes we are Well, it just goes to show you everybody's from somewhere It's so wonderful that you can join us for fun Homemade blueberry muffin. Oh, it's nice of you to offer Marie, but actually we already ate breakfast. This is brunch Actually, I don't eat muffins, I'm sorry, it's nothing personal he's never had one You've never had a blueberry muffin, I've never had any kind of muffin In your life, it's just never appealed to me I'll take his muffin It's not polite to eat if other people aren't didn't you hear he's never gonna eat All right, can we at least put on the television what do you say Hank you want to flip on the tube We're not much for TV Especially on a Sunday. What else is there to do on a Sunday? Well, we kind of like to keep that mostly for church and family oh how Great By the way, young lady, did you even go to church this morning? We went to church last week this Sunday all family Yelling about listen, let's just go home What go home, yeah, you know, I realized the kids are at the birthday party and we could spend some time alone, right? Come on, we already had sex this week Wait, first of all, that was nine days ago Okay, listen Amy's parents are in there Amy's parents really oh I've never met them They must have changed their minds about Robert and now they want to meet you. Oh my god, I have to help me no, no, no, no, no, but you're gonna you're gonna say stuff and get all involved and Let's just go to the mall and you can buy stuff and I'll walk behind you and call you pretty Your mother is in there and you're worried about me getting involved Get your hand out of my pants How's everybody doing we're fine dad stuffed a muffin in his pocket Fine keep it. It's fine with me. I Guess he just went into the drawer and helped himself. Actually, I gave it to him He needs something to wear while he rinses out his clothes he only had the one outfit Yeah, I noticed his underwear hanging on the doorknob, which reminds me if you go out today pick up a new doorknob That's right, I also gave him a pair of your briefs I had to pin them Amy Maybe it's just me. But all you did was ask him to dinner and now he's living on a couch Bert it's been nothing but nice and helpful since he got here. I'm sorry, honey. I Can you stop crying you know, I can't stand it. Will you look fruit? No, I know but you know, you have to admit he's a little I Know we all know Then why do we need him here Cuz he's my brother You know Robert I make an effort with your family. I try because they're a little Okay, stop crying stop crying come on hey, how are the vittles taking care of the old rumbly and the tumbly So Peter Have you spoken to mom and dad? Yeah, I called them yesterday. You know what? I told him I told him how much I love it here And they go well, when are you coming home and I go well, I'll see you when I see you New York is my lady That's great Peter What did they say? Yeah, they didn't know what to say, you know, they're so wrapped up in their little puritanical Pennsylvanian snow globe of a world. I mean this really shook. I'm up man That's great man Hey, listen guys when you're done eating just put the plates in the sink and I'll get to them later right now There's a mud pack with my name on it Hey, is that ray Hi Debbie Peter, so you're back in town again? No, no, not again still So better get going if you want to eat for the movie right? All right, we could use a night out I'm sorry. I wasn't clear on the arrangements. I thought it was just gonna be the four of us. Oh well Couldn't it be the five of us? Well, sure, but is that really fair to Ray and Deborah Do you guys mind So, I guess you're the only one with the problem no Peter I don't have a problem Seems like you do seems like you do have a problem Robert Peter, please. Oh, no, Amy. I can handle this guy Let's go, you know something Amy was wrong about you you're not nice you're not sensitive and I'll tell you something else You're not a gracious host Get out of my underwear You need to try one Everyone says you're the best cook there is Well, I wouldn't say that I'd love to try I have to say that that's marvelous. Oh, thank you. She's been so worried about what you were gonna think of her dinner. Oh Who cares what I think I'm surprised it took him this long Okay, sweetie. Mommy. I'll help you stick him to the wall How great is this? Isn't this great? It's like a fan I have more appetizers in the kitchen. Oh, I'll come with you. I want to see what else we have to look forward to Don't put glue in each other's hair What was that sound like something hit the house It's a bird Must have flown into the window. Oh Oh, man, it's hurt. Oh, what do we do? Don't don't squeeze it to be careful. Uh-uh. Don't worry. I got it. Don't hold it too tight. I know birds. I build bird houses Poor thing he must have gotten confused or something Hey, hey, remember Tweety. Yeah. Yeah We were kids. We had a cockatiel named Tweety. I trained him. So when I opened his cage, he'd fly right up onto my shoulder He thought it was a tree Here we go, how's the bird what do you mean, you know You killed the bird I Had to put it out of its misery. I mean you actually put it to death It was very quick, how could you do that? Oh, she's very good at it Sure all the time Well only when they hit the house, I think if birds keep flying into your house, you gotta warn them somehow Maybe we should just cover the house with mattresses. So the birds bounce off You making fun of me Cocoa Puffs Okay, all right, let's all take a deep breath and try to remember that the bird is in a better place Birdie heaven where the seat is free and every bird gets a worm not just the early ones She should take you into the kitchen How do you know the bird couldn't be saved I mean you're not a veterinarian No, but I have lived in the country my whole life Mom grew up on a farm. I bet the chicken slept with one eye open It's funny isn't mother how the city folk react to this type of thing that poor bird was innocently flying around You kill it. You don't even seem to care It's not that we don't care Marie. It's just out here There are animals all around us and sometimes you do what has to be done Yes, like when a rodent gets into the root cellar, you don't want to bang it with a shovel What'd you do You got no right to go around bumping off God's creatures willy-nilly Well, let's remember Frank God did say that man have dominion over the fish of the sea and the fowl of the air and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth You creep it's me out Glad I can be that someone And if I bum a ciggy Oh Sure, you know as a cop it helps to have a smoke every so often cuz I gotta tell you I see a lot Of sick things every day, you know, I once found a foot in a mailbox Oh, yeah, luckily we caught the guy cuz there was a return address It's a cop joke Great yeah, this will hit the spot. Sorry. I was just getting to drink a milk This is just a dream Were you smoking? No, go back to sleep. You're flying Stop smelling me Do you smoke People are sleeping and you're being very inconsiderate See what you did you woke up an old lady I wasn't I wasn't Somebody better be dead or dying Smack him Frank Can I go back to bed now, you know what he's been doing smelling I Did it just once okay just one time all right, there was a Snoo guy at work who smokes and he's really popular and I just wanted to fit in I didn't even like it. It made me throw up. No more lying. You're a smoker Everything. All right. Everything's horrible Robert smokes No Don't you know that smoking can stunt your growth? You know, I am not only the vice principal at Cooper Junior High School. I am also the health ed teacher good Tell him how bad smoking it When any faculty member brings me a youngster who they've caught smoking, do you know what the first thing is that I asked them? Why don't you just drink poison? Well, mr. Barone, I'll ask you the same thing why don't you just drink poison Do you have any Jokes funny business What I get for my 12 year olds, and I guess it's what I'll get from you as well. Can you believe this mother? wait Robert I'm very disappointed I've been looking out the window for the last two days. She scared the crap out of the mailman Thanks, well you look nice too I want to hear everything. I just said hi. Raymond. Can't you see we're having a conversation? We have presents presents to what you seem to is a present open the bag This is the most thoughtful gift anyone has ever given me what is it? It's a piece of shrapnel It's from World War two in Anzio It's wonderful I'll bet it's from the ass of some Kraut That's antique a hundred years old antique What do you think a hundred years old I Think it's lovely just lovely Oh speaking of gifts, how did you like what Lee and Stan got you for your wedding present? Oh, yes What was it again some sort of porcelain thing or a sculpture? Oh, no, no No It was a large Crystalline covered candle which they had made with your wedding invitation in a kind of window within the wax So that when the candle burns down the invitation is illuminated from behind Orange one Right, right, right. Yes, it was beautiful, I Thought it was so clever They just wanted to make sure you got it. Oh, yeah, we got it Because I had it specially made we got it very nice So I'll tell them that you got it. They didn't know Because they didn't get a thank-you note Well, oh well mom they're gonna get a thank-you note, it's just you know You're gonna send one right? I mean you're gonna be sending out. Thank-you notes, aren't you Amy? Sure, Marie. I'll get to it. Okay When you say get to it What do you think you'd be doing them because people have been commenting What do you mean who's coming people So Amy, when can I tell the people to expect their thank-you notes? Well, can I be honest with you Marie You can say anything to me we're family Well, you know we just got back from our honeymoon and What I just thought you're gonna be honest with me. I mean to tell the truth You two have been home for a day and a half now, haven't you? Well, we just wanted to unwind No call or anything I was so worried I called the airlines I thought what if there was a plane crash When they said, of course, there was none. I have to tell you I was a little upset And now to make such a fuss when I'm just asking about thank-you notes You know, I would like to think that we're at least grateful for the good fortune and generosity Bestowed upon us by people who love us Thank you for my shrapnel What's going on just heating up pie I'll have some but wash your hands first What's up with you you guys got to get your wives out of my house. They're over there looking at furniture catalogs. I Told Marie at your age. You shouldn't be looking at any furniture unless it has a lid Choo-choo chileski Who is choo-choo chileski ray you better get back into your microwave position It's not what you think I think you were dreaming about another woman and you told me a choo-choo train story, you know You couldn't keep a giant mouth shut. Could you? Didn't say anything Robert I swear well someone opened their giant mouth I did Well sure you had your reasons Your father told me about your little fantasy and I felt I'd be remiss if I didn't tell Deborah that her marriage was in peril Dad why would you tell mom I was proud of you You dream like a man Well, that's great Ray I'm going around telling everybody what a sweet little boy you are and you're dreaming about another woman Thanks a lot. Ray. Thanks for making me look like a total jerk. I made it up. I made it up Choo-choo really was a train So, what are you saying you lied to them and here I was finally proud of you Unbelievable Ray no, you know what you're unbelievable you took something that was private and you blabbed it all over town Oh, yeah. Well, you were a pretty good blabbermouth yourself last night. Hey, guess who pees when she laughs Guess who was right there with me laughing it off. Oh, Amy, please. Ha ha ha ha. That's so funny. Yeah I love you Sweetie come on. Look at me. We were all talking everyone was doing it Deborah Belch is like a truck driver. I might use his ragu Did I burp you just made up that cute little nose thing I didn't make it up And I have no problem facing the truth, however painful it might be Now about my sauce Frank tell them you're a liar What do you ever want to eat again, I Lied I'm a crazy old man who lies And I'm glad that you could admit that and you did all know better than to engage in idle gossip What are you talking about? You're the one who blabbed it to Deborah by choo-choo cheloski. I do not laugh what I do comes from love You want to know the truth Deborah is the worst gossip of us all You're the one who once told me that Frank came to bed with a toupee on for you. What? That was a hat I found on the street Not what Deborah told Amy last July Deborah told Amy that Raymond thought that Amy and Roberts Barrett's didn't have a chance in hell Who told you that Marie I told you that me confident how could you tell Marie that I said that never how could you tell Amy what I told you my marriage doesn't have a chance in hell