Glen Foster | Recycling Is A Full Time Job | Comedy Now!

Uncensored! Starring Glenn Foster! Please welcome Glenn! Oh, that is so nice, thank you. This is such a great job, you know? I talk to so many people who hate their job. I love my job, seriously, you know? I've been doing this a long time. There are days, literally, I cannot wait to jump out of bed in the afternoon. You know? I am fired up, ready to rock. You know what my problem is? Other than I begin a lot of sentences with, you know what my problem is? That's kind of negative. I suppose it's always been negative. I don't see that changing. Pretty positive about that, in fact. Positive about that. No, I complicate things. I overcomplicate. I think too much. My father even warned me at one point. He said, you don't want to think too much. If you think too much, you'll scare yourself. And he is right, boy. You think about anything long enough, you start to worry about it. Think about it. Actually, this is the only job I can keep, really. Because my mind wanders, you know? I drift off, daydream, zone out. Sometimes just stare into space. My ex-wife actually used to call it Glenworld. Keyword, ex-wife. She did not like Glenworld. Well, to be fair, she didn't really live there. It turns out, in fact, I have ADD. And I just found out this year. Adult ADD. Have you even heard of this crap? Because normally, normally they get it when you're a kid, right? When you're a kid, oh, they can't wait for a kid to have ADD. Oh, oh, this one's displaying signs of an imagination. Drug him. Drug him. But I have adult ADD, which is way worse than ADD. First of all, it's not even ADD. Technically, it's like A-A-D-D-A. So, extra stuff to have to think about. Thank you very much. It's adult ADD. It's like ADD, but it's all grown up and scary now. It can drive and vote. It's just, you don't want it out there. You don't, it's dangerous. I am deathly afraid of heights and spiders. If I fell off a building and Spider-Man rescued me, that would be the worst day of my life. I mean, you're like, we need comedy these days, don't we? Because there is, oh man, there's just so much stuff, you know, with the economy and the environment and the war and the terrorism. And I realize, I feel I should apologize a little bit. That's still Canadian right there, just apologizing, right? Nevermind the show, get to the apology. It's because we apologize too much, eh? That's the thing. We do, I'm sorry, it's true. We really do. But I apologize, because I realize people go to comedy shows to forget their problems. But technically, you didn't come to a comedy show to forget my problems. If your problems are my problems, well, that is not my problem. The environment, the economy, the economy's still just a little shake. I don't know about you, I got one of these pre-declined credit cards in the mail. Comes cut up in the envelope, eh? That is harsh. That is mean of the bank, really. I thought that was unnecessary, you know? Credit is the problem. Because when you pay cash for something, right? We used to get pre-approved credit. Do you remember pre-approved credit? You would get those letters. You know what a pre-approved credit card basically says? We've been watching you, and you spend money like an idiot. We'd like to help. We think with a little encouragement, you could spend even more money. You're our kind of people. Credit is the problem. Because when you pay cash for something, you know, there's a connection to it, right? You reach into your wallet, you take out, it's physical. You watch it. You watch the money as you're handing it over. Seems like a lot for one dance. Financial crisis. At one point, at one point, we were bailing out the banks. Bailing out the banks. Because God knows, it's hard to make money as a bank. Isn't it? Oh my God, there are so many rules. Get this. You're only allowed to charge somebody $2 to take their own ******* money out of their own ******* account. How do you stay in business? Environment is, things are a little shaky there too. We've been having some wacky weather. Good thing that whole global warming thing is just a theory. Scientists still argue about that. You know that, right? Because some scientists say, well, it's greenhouse gases that cause global warming. And other scientists are, no, no, no, no, no. This is all just a natural occurrence that happens every few million years when the earth builds up a layer of SUVs. But what are we supposed to do? They say, oh, take public transit, cut down on the noxious emissions, right? Which would be nice if you could cut down on the noxious emissions on public transit. You ever been downwind from somebody on a hot day? It's like, oh, buddy, I hope you bought some Kyoto credits for that because you should not be releasing that in a confined space. That is just bad news. Public transit. No one wants, I don't want to take public transit. You don't want to take public transit. Even the people who take public transit don't want to take public transit because the public is on public transit. So what's this illusion? I got smart cars. Oh, smart cars. How smart do you feel? Honestly, how smart do you feel? Looking out your sunroof at the underbelly of an 18-wheeler? Oh, jeez. Oh, we got to do something. We're still chopping down the rainforest. Do you know this? Still. How long have we been saying don't chop down the rainforest? Still doing it, despite the impenetrable shield of pop stars and supermodels that protects the rainforest. Still able to get the bulldozers through. And we don't even know what's in the rainforest. It could be all kinds of wonderful medical discoveries. Could be the cure for cancer, the new Viagra. At the very least, some really good recreational drugs that we have not come across yet. Before we tear up another bush or step on another beetle, we should send in teams of junkies to just lick everything and smoke and consume and inject and just wallow in the marshlands of the Amazon for months at a time. Put GPS locators on them and two-way radios so we can find them later. Oh, man, you got to get over here, man. This is so good. It feels so good, man. Just come and get me, man. Come and get me. Just hurry up, man. There's only one. There's only one flower here, man. There's one flower. Oh, there's 10 now, man. There's 10. Just wait a while. There'll be more when you get here. It's still really good. Oh, man, the polar caps are shrinking. I don't want to be all doom and gloom here. No, on the positive side, the penguins don't have as far to march. Oh, well, we're doing our bit. We're having our Earth hours, eh? Earth hour? Didn't it used to be Earth Day? Wasn't it Earth Day? I swear, there are meetings going on that you and I do not get to go to. Earth Day? Bullshit. A whole day for the Earth? Are you out of your mind? We're losing productivity. We have an hour. An hour on Saturday before the hockey game. That's plenty for everybody. Starts out Earth Day. Now it's Earth hour. And pretty soon, what? A moment of silence for the Earth. Do you know, we're losing a species a day. Now again, on the positive side, the list of endangered species is getting shorter. So we're losing animals, but we're wasting less trees to catalog them, eh? So there's nature once again in perfect balance, eh? See, this illustrates the state of events in Canada these days, right? Because we don't care if you're black or white or brown or yellow, but you better be green, huh? Oh, we want to be green so bad. That's our number one priority. Canadians, we want to be green. How green can we be? We want to be so green. How much? Oh, ----. We can't afford to be that green. Emerald green is off the table. I'm telling you. Right now, we can afford maybe like a brownish yellow. No, it's the green guilt that bothers me. How many times now, how many times now do you find yourself dumpster diving in your own trash? I throwed an eggshell. What an asshole to the Earth I am. Oh, there's some coffee grinds and there's an orange peel there, too, so it's good I went in there. I'm not such an idiot. I should just be shot with a biodegradable bullet. What the hell is wrong with me? Recycling. Recycling is a full-time job now. You have to get started days in advance, and it's just so complicated. Tax me? Tax me to take my recycling? Fuck you. Pay me to sort my ----. Recycling. Oh, my God. It takes days. Where I live, there's a four-color pamphlet on recycling. I'm not even sure which bin that even goes in. Because it's so complicated. Okay, so this goes here and there's some cardboard. Oh, but here's some cardboard with tinfoil on it, so now I have to peel the tinfoil away from the cardboard and scrape away the toxic glue and keep that in a separate container where I keep all my batteries and my used cell phones and dangerous electricity. Because I don't want to be the bad guy. I don't want to just toss all that toxic crap in the dump. No, no, no. I want to be the good citizen. I want to go down to the city depot and give it to some asshole who's making $20 an hour to throw it in the dump. Landfill. People always go on about landfill. There's too much landfill. It's not landfill, first of all. It's hole fill, okay? If there's land there, you don't have to fill it. Landfill. We just need to find better places, better holes. We just need to find better holes. How about Afghanistan? That place is a hole. It's full of holes and they're making new holes every day. We're at war, eh? And we are serious because we built a Tim Hortons. You know that was a high-level decision. You know that was the high commands, all right? This is the objective, Afghanistan. It's a big place. We're going to be here a long time. We probably should stay awake for most of it. So the first Timmies would be airdropped into this position and resupply it from the air with the new heavy transport. I think we should take over the world. That should be our secret weapon just to take over the world. One Tim Hortons at a time. Just like we do over here. Nothing changes. Same strategy, right? You build a Tim Hortons and then 100, 200 yards away you build another Tim Hortons. Then you build a road between the two. So now we control this area completely. Then you get four going. You got four corners. Now you have a square. You put coffee dispensers and gun turrets in all four corners and drive-thrus. Then you have to get the locals on board because then they won't want to blow up the roads because they need them to get to the drive-thru. You go to these opium snorting drug lords. Here you go, buddy. Here's a double-double. See what a real buzz is like. Coffee from the sky, my friend. Or my other plan, my other plan is we'll just build a huge Tim Hortons. Just a massive, massive Tim Hortons. We'll just keep building and we'll fill in every little nook and cranny in Afghanistan and build and build. We'll build it out of loser cups or whatever we can. So from space, all you see is Great Wall of China and please try again. And from the other side, Canadian Tire. So now they have ---- to think about as well. I want to blow up the building but $79.99 for a power washer. That is good. No, that is... No, no, death to the infidel. I agree. Death, always death. I vote death every time. Do I not vote death every time? I'm not here. Just vote death for me because usually I'm voting death but one time, a power washer, you know. You know, we make a lot of delicate electronic ---- here and I'm just saying that one time, a power washer that... I don't even know what accent that is. I have no clue. I hope it's not yours. I hope it's not... Well, that's all I need. Someone sitting there. But clearly the gentleman is talking about me. That is me. No, no. Don't tell me. I was doing me. Don't you feel sorry for anyone of like remotely Middle Eastern descent? Your whole day is just suspicion and mistrust. Walking to McDonald's. Can I take your order? Yes, I'd like a Big Mac. Lunch, right? Do what he says. Just do what he says. Just get the burger going. Don't ask questions. Just cook. Now, do you know it is 12 extra bucks everywhere you fly now? Security tax for invisible cops who may or may not be there. They're invisible. Could be one, two, three. Could be everybody but you. You have no idea. You could just be sitting on the plane. Man, I should not have smoked that joint before I left Vancouver. 12 bucks. Even if you fly straight north to nothing, it's still 12 bucks. For what? What's going to happen? What? Terrorists take over a plane. Right? And then fly around frustrated for three hours trying to find something high enough to crash into. This is bullshit. I don't think that's how you fly a 747, by the way. I was watching that. I was like, there is no way. Clearly, I have not been to Al-Qaeda training camp. When you see that ----, you go, man, that guy's never been to Pakistan in his life. Who's he kidding? Oh, look at the Canadians. We all clammed up so you got very Canadian there all of a sudden. Did you feel yourself? I was like, yeah, we're having a good time. But we don't want to let anybody know. Because the government will take it away from us. We're very easily offended these days. Oh, I meant to ask. I meant to ask. Are there any fat lesbians in the audience? I don't know if you know, there was a court case a while back where a comedian got into it because it is Canada and we have human rights and you are not allowed to call someone a fat lesbian. Especially if they're a fat lesbian. We're building wind farms. Wind farms. How big a loser farmer do you have to be? Huh? At what point in your agricultural career do you finally just throw in the towel? Well, Martha, we tried about everything. You know, this farm's been in my family a long time now. I was thinking maybe we could grow wind. I hear Tilly got a spinna-ma-thing to catch it with. Spinna-ma-thing. Turbine. A wind turbine. Oh, we have one. We have one down at the lake shore. Get this, get this. Apparently, if the wind blows too hard, they have to shut it down. God forbid we should make an extra kilowatt. Oh, no, no. We'd have to lay off a hydro worker. There's a very delicate balance between the amount we are raping you and the number of people we employ. Do you know what hydro's slogan is? That they spent millions of dollars on? Helping you save energy. I don't want to save energy. I want to save money. If it was up to me, I'd have every ******* thing on all the time. But I can't because you're helping me. The worst is this green slop program. This kitchen waste, this rat bait that I have to keep on my counter in a fashionable plastic bucket. And transfer to the raccoon feeder once a week. This goo, this slop, all lined with these biodegradable bags that are made by NASA, I'm just guessing by the price. Where they stitch together by the rarest worms in the farthest corners of the earth. They're just stitching away. And I guess it's good because the old plastic bags take like 10,000 years to decompose, right? Whereas these new plastic bags decompose the minute you put something in them. It's ridiculous. They're eating themselves as you take them out of the bucket. Put four in. Maybe that'll hold from the counter to the sink. Everybody's wondering where these new super bugs are coming from. These H-strains of flu and these special... H1N3 is incubating on my countertop right now. The only thing protecting us is a biodegradable bag. H1N1. They can't even call it the flu anymore. It's not the flu. It's H1N1. It's scary. It's letters. It's just algebra now. Just algebra flu. H1N1. Doesn't that sound like the beginning of the worst postal code ever? Where do you live? H1N1. Oh, we don't deliver there. We're not allowed. It's a union thing. We're not allowed to go in to H1N1. And wash your hands. That's secure for everything. Wash your hands. Flu can't get me. I guess the OCD people feel a little better about themselves. I was right. And I'll say this before I continue. I'm not a doctor. I think we're isolating the germs within ourselves. There are good germs and bad germs. And these germs are fighting it out in a germ war. By the way, did you ever think about how German people must feel about the word germ? In the beginning when that was first discovered. What is the name of this horrible news? Germ. Oh, yeah. That is good. Yeah, why not? Sure. Wunderbar. Kill the germs. Why not? Sure. Who cares? Kill the germs. That is good. Yeah. I know. The Germans. Eh? What did they ever do? It's worse now. It's worse now with the multimedia mass messaging. Kill the germs. Kills 99% of germs. Kills household germs. Kills germs on contact. Kill the germs. Other germ killers leave behind. Kill the germs. I know. You couldn't get away with calling them jumes. Isolating the germs. You know, you start spraying all this stuff down. See, the cure for what's killing you could be inside me. And ladies, I will happily inject you. I'm kidding. No, you don't have to have an injection. You can take it orally. And you can write the next joke yourself. You need me for that one. I love our flag. We have a great flag, Canada. Just graphically. Graphically. It's red. You know, it grabs your eye. I mean, in the world of flags, the Canadian flag is like, Hey! Alright then. I love our flag. It's a great flag. First of all, not only is it a great flag, but it sends a message. That's the important thing about the Canadian flag. It's not just a flag. It sends a message. Other people in the world see the Canadian flag and it says something. It says, Low hostage value! You won't even get the government on the phone, buddy. I'm telling you. You'll be dying in a minute. I'm a citizen. I can't get them on the phone. What do you think? It's funny. I normally make a lot of jokes about the government, but lately I'm doing a new thing. It's actually what I call a government-style comedy. And that is where I don't actually tell any jokes. I just take out a bunch of ads to tell you how ******* funny I am. Use your money to do it. Don't you love government commercials? They always slug them off where they go, Brought to you by the Government of Canada. I know. Who else is going to bring me this crap? I know if everything that comes up to that part is useless or obvious or completely self-congratulatory, then of course it was brought to me by the Government of Canada. I love the website. Visit our website. People can't even understand simple stuff, but the government complicates everything, right? Visit our website dot gc dot gov dot org slash accent a goose symbol from a BC totem pole Egyptian hieroglyphic What? Whoa, what? Because I guess someone else must have already had Government of Canada dot com. Visit my website, by the way. That Canadian guy dot com. Dot com? Not dot ca? No one even knows what dot ca is. How do we get stuck with dot ca anyway? That's useless. Dot com is what you have. There's all these other extensions. Dot mobi. Dot biz. Dot biz? Really? You're a dot biz? I guess you're a dot biz that couldn't get a dot com then. Huh? Oh my God. Dot ca. Who makes up this stuff? We got no choice. I mean, it could be like Canada, California, Calcutta, Costa Rica. We should have our own internet extension Canada. It should be a dot e h question mark. That's right. Canada dot a. I joke about the internet, but the internet has changed my life. Literally, I met my wife on the internet. Who says porn is a bad thing? No, it's true. I run my business on the internet. Oh, I bought my kid. I bought my kid on the internet. No, that's horrible. Kidney. I bought a kidney on the internet from a kid, as it turns out. Or a Chinese prisoner. They're small. It's a grainy picture. I shouldn't ask. I should just let it... What's China up to? You forget about China, don't you? With all the other stuff going on. China's part of the UN. China's on the human rights... How the hell does China get anywhere near a chair that says human rights... Maybe as a joke. Quick, take a picture. Put it on Facebook. They can't see it. I will say this. You've got to mess up big time as a government before China gets to criticize you about anything. They must just love it when a Taliban comes along. North Korea gets up at Iran. They can't wait to jump in. We will not stand for this oppressive regime. Thank you for Olympics. Certain advantages to living in a dictatorship that you maybe don't appreciate every day. A Chinese guy never has to look at his leader on TV and go, Oh, I can't believe I voted for that asshole. I hate it. I hate it when our leaders visit these countries, man. Because they go in on these trade missions and you know they don't go in there. They don't go in there like, All right, we'd like to trade with you but you got to let us build some stuff once in a while and sell it to you for a change and can't have kids in the factories and let's stop polluting the planet and maybe have a little freedom of speech and expression. They don't do that. They walk out of these meetings going, Holy ----, did you see that? They can shoot their protesters. We got to have a law. I tell you, I look around the world sometimes and I wonder if I should have kids. I have kids. I just wonder. I actually have a 10-year-old daughter. She just turned 10. We had her birthday at our house. Sorry, the shock. At one point, at one point, I had 13 10-year-old girls in my basement, which I realize sounds kind of creepy out of context. You wouldn't want someone to tune in at that point. What the hell kind of show is this? They have the worst taste in music. They're all into this Hannah Montana, this Miley Cyrus whose dad is Billy Ray achy, breaky heart. I know. Who could have known at the time he'd be responsible for two of the most annoying things in my life? I am getting older. I find as I'm getting older that I'm starting to ask myself certain questions that maybe you don't think about when you're younger, but as you get older, you feel the need to know some things. Why am I here? Not in a spiritual sense, just standing in the basement. Why am I here? What the hell did I come down here for? I was upstairs and I needed a thing and I came downstairs and now the thing is here. And you know the answer's waiting at the top of the stairs right in the kitchen. There's some kind of magical force field at the top of the stairs. It just sucks the idea out of your brain as you go down the stairs. Now you're standing like an idiot as I am not going up those stairs. I came all the way down as I am not going back up the, I am going to open up boxes I haven't opened in 20 years before I go back up those stairs. And eventually, all right, all right, all right, fine, all right. I will put my foot on the first step of the landing. Maybe I left the idea laying somewhere on the stairs. Perhaps if I work my way slowly up the stairs I might run into the idea. Maybe if I rub my head really hard on the carpet I could build up some static electricity and suck that idea back in my brain. If it was CSI they'd do it. Oh, they could do anything on that show. They should just change the name of it to CSI-fi. It's just ridiculous. He was almost dead. We vacuumed him up his brain waves, sent him through the computer. Here's the killer's face on the screen. It's the spin-off, Silo. You know what I'm waiting for? CSI-Mexico. That's going to be a good one. What do we got here? Looks like a lot of blood, some good hair fibers. I think that's the murder weapon. I think someone actually tried to write a note in blood. All right, people. Let's get out of here and let the maids do their job. Oh, I've ruined your Mexican vacation now. Go to Mexico. It's beautiful. Take a camera. Take two. You want one as a decoy? Take a video camera. Keep it pointed at yourself the whole time with the day-date indicator running. That will be your alibi for the Mexican authorities if anything goes wrong while you're there. And I love when people go, oh, the Mexican government, they try to cover it up. They don't want people to think Mexico might be dangerous. Really? Mexico might be dangerous. Really? Mexico? Why don't you take a trip to the U.S.-Mexico border? See which way the Mexicans are heading. Oh, we'll talk about something a little lighter, I guess. Snow tires. Did you get, you know you couldn't get them, right? Because you couldn't buy snow tires because the Quebec government made them mandatory. Because you know how the Quebec government thinks, right? It's like, well, we had a lot, this is how they talk in private, by the way. There's no French, just English with a funny accent. I couldn't believe it. I was there. We had a lot of snow last year. So we have two choices. We could make everybody get snow tires. Or we could clean the road properly. And we know that's not going to happen. Have you driven in Quebec in the winter? It's the only time you get a smooth road because the ice and snow fill in the potholes. They don't clear the roads. They don't. They kind of, they scrape them down and polish them to a high gloss sheen, you know? Honest to God. It's like the first snowfall, the Zambonis are out. I hear some English guys are coming without snow tires. It bothers me though because you know, because now other governments will follow suit now. They'll be like, okay, we'll make everybody get snow tires and then everyone will be safer. No. Then everyone will think that they are safer, which will make them more dangerous. So now, instead of slamming on the brakes and sliding slowly through the red light, be able to accelerate with confidence from 15 blocks back. It's yellow. It's okay. We got snow tires. Here we go. People get overconfident. That's what'll happen. When one of these idiots gets into a spin, whoa! What the hell is this? This is bullshit. I have snow tires. Look, there's my receipt right there. This is bullshit. I have snow tires. Wow, that was my exercise for the day. We had homegrown terrorists. Homegrown terrorists. I was like, I was stunned. I was shocked. I was in denial. I was like, what? There's never going to be a terrorist attack in Canada. This is where they send their relatives for safety. There'd be ample warning, don't you think? If there's going to be a terrorist attack, you'd be walking down the street one day going, wait a second. Why are all the dollar stores closed? Oh, oh, something's not right. Oh, oh, taxi. Tax, tax, tax. Now laugh it up, you racist bastards. That's what you say. You can set off a bomb with a phone now. There's an app for that. Pisses me off. That is our technology. We invented that. I love how these terrorists are all about the 7th century until they need to accomplish something. Oh, what can we buy at infidelmart.com today? Click, boom. It's that simple. A guy in a cave in Afghanistan. Click, boom. Boom, click. Click, click, boom, boom. And yet, I could be downtown Toronto and not get a clear signal. It's all bars for enemies, but they never get. All circuits are busy. Your jihad is important to us. Please choose a secondary target and return at a later time. We're experiencing a higher than normal volume of terrorism attacks at this time. Don't you love that message? The higher than normal message? Has this phone message now infiltrated every answering machine system on the planet like a virus? No matter who you call, they're no longer away from the phone. They're no longer too busy to take the call. Oh, no, no. We're experiencing a higher than normal volume. Just the second you called. If you called a minute from now, you'd get straight through to the president. A minute ago, you'd have been straight, but right now, it's the second you called. It's higher than normal. Normally, we'd just pick up the phone right away, but right now, the minute you called, it's higher than we want it, but we can't. It's higher than normal. We can't. It's higher than normal. And it doesn't matter when you call. It doesn't matter. You could call all day. Higher than normal, higher than normal, higher than normal, higher. We're experiencing a higher than normal volume. Well, guess what? If it's always higher than normal, that's not higher than normal. That's normal. Pick up the damn phone. And it doesn't matter who you call. Doesn't matter who you call. You could call the phone company. The phone company is experiencing a higher... How can that even be? You're the phone company. You have all the phones, all the lines, all the satellites. Let me count my satellites. With none! I have no satellites. I have one phone. My normal volume of calls is one, but right now, I'm waiting for you to pick up the phone. If someone calls me, right now, I'm over my normal volume of calls. I won't answer, but I can. And the best part, they're listening in. They're listening in for training purposes. Training people to talk on the phone? Is that where we're at in society? Train them to pick up the ******* phone. That is the first step in a phone conversation. You pick up the phone and you talk to the human being on the other end. What the hell is going on in these training segments? Bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring. Think we should answer it? I don't know. Bring, bring, bring, bring, bring. What do you think he's trying to say? Bring, bring, bring, bring. Some kind of code, I guess. Bring, bring, bring, bring, bring, bring. What the hell is going on? Bring, bring, bring. Don't answer that. You're not trained. Get away. Get away from the phone. Don't even pick it up. Bring, bring, bring, bring, bring. No, this is good. We're fine now. Bring, bring, bring. This is normal. Don't worry. Bring, bring. Oh, my God. We're higher than normal. Absolutely amazing. Thank you very, very much.