Ryan Cullen: Caveat Emptor | FULL COMEDY SPECIAL

Baptism's really funny to me, okay? Because apparently in baptism, if you dip the baby's head under water for a few seconds, it becomes like closer to God, okay? But here's a little life hack stand. If you keep it under water for a few minutes, it'll meet God. Now, this show's called Caveat Empto, which is Latin for no refunds. I once peed my pants in front of the whole classroom. I ran out crying, all the kids were laughing. I was like, **** that, teaching's not for me. Yeah, I scattered my grandmother's remains at the local beach, you know? She would have loved it, but the locals hated it because she wasn't cremated. Yeah, it was a ******* mess, you know? I got some brand new roller skates for my eight-year-old nephew, and mwah, what a trade. Some of these may take a little second. Sex with your teacher's a lot less cool when you're homeschooled. Some of these are here to just set the tone of the show, and that show is deranged. My granddad's always like, Ryan, you know, if I hadn't fought in the war, you'd all be speaking German, which made no sense because he was in the IRA. My granddad's always full of little quotes, you know? Like the last day, he was like, Ryan, the youth of today rely way too heavily on technology, so I dismantled his stairlift. Literally drove him up the wall, you know? My great uncle actually fought during D-Day, okay? And if it wasn't for like the Bible in his breast pocket, you know, like the big, thick King's James Bible in his breast pocket, then maybe he wouldn't have drowned. So I feel like if you're on board with that, the rest of the show might go well, huh? My mother's always like, Ryan, you should treat others like you like to be treated. So today I walked in the street and choked five people and called them Daddy. I think there's nothing more awkward in life. I think there's nothing more awkward in life than when you catch eyes with someone through a bathroom stall, you know? Because it means you both went to suck. I'm at that age where all my female friends are getting pregnant and I'm like, ----, I should start wearing a condom. My girlfriend says I don't pay enough attention to her. I disagree. Like even yesterday though in the kitchen, she was like, Ryan, are you even listening to me? And I was like, what a weird way to start a conversation. I'm not the smartest guy in the world. Like it took me 45 minutes into La La Land to realize it wasn't like a sequel to the Teletubbies. I wouldn't last long in prison because I come real quick. I just let that one simmer right for a little second. My grandma was German and back in the day, she was arrested for hiding Jews under her floorboards. When I tell people this, they're like, ****, that's a real nice thing to do. It's a real like noble thing to do. But what they don't know is this happened in the 90s. It's very fucked up. My mom, every time I used to wake up, sorry. Sorry, at school, every time I opened my lunchbox, there'd always be a little note saying that, you know, my mom left it saying like that she loved me. You know, and every time I'd go home, I'd be like, mom, this is not a substitute for no food. My girlfriend, was that one odd, the back? Oh, that's sad. My girlfriend hates it when I buy her flowers. You know, she's always like, Ryan, stop buying me flowers. You know, it's just a waste of time. They just die, you know, which is ridiculous logic, but I can't wait to use the same logic when she wants kids. Yeah, there's a couple of people like that. One of the others were like, I don't know if I should call the police, but my, my best friend is black. Okay. And we get pulled over a lot when he's driving. Okay. He uses, he does the exact same thing every time he gets pulled over though to the police. And it's amazing. You know, they get pulled over the last day. He's like knocked down the window, rolled down the window. And the policeman's like, you went through a red light. And my friend, he does the same thing. He's like, no, no, no. You pulled me over because I'm black. Okay. Immediately. Policeman starts backtracking. Like, whoa, that's not, I don't even see color. And he's like, how'd you know I went through a red light? That one's called a crowd divider. When my grandmother died, we bought my granddad a little puppy, you know, just to keep him company around the house. But maybe like a fortnight later, he ran out in the road and was killed. So I've got a puppy for sale. If anyone's looking, DM me after the show, you know. And in the bar earlier today, someone was like, Ryan, where were you on 9-11? I was like, Jesus, it wasn't me. My, a lot of you were looking at me like, where the **** are you going with that one? Is there any Americans in? Oh God. Wow. We might get out alive. Let me see. Did you know, guys, if you lock a bunch of women in a room together, eventually their periods will start synchronizing? I was like, God, the things you learn doing the things you love. I came out of the closet, I came out of the closet, and my dad confronted me. He was like, Ryan, homosexuality is an abomination. And unless you pray for God's forgiveness, you're going to burn in hell for all eternity. And I was really like shocked at that, like real taken aback. Because like, I was just getting a jacket. Well, it is a nice thing to see the lead line. Give us a shout out to all the Irish people. Yeah, a couple. Any English people in? Yeah, a couple over the side. Whereabouts in England are you guys from? London, nice. And did you learn about the famine in school? No, you should have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should have because you caused it. I love talking about the famine with my English friends because they don't learn about it in school, you know? Like my *******, my friend Tom's always just like, hold on, so all the potatoes died and then you guys all died. Why didn't you just eat something else? Because if you're lying in a ditch in 1845, starving to death, being like, oh, that's right, ******* Wagamamas. My great uncle actually had to leave Ireland during the famine because he owned a spud gun factory. Ran out of ammo real quick, you know? I'm from the border of Northern Ireland. You know, I still find it quite difficult to talk about the troubles. The balaclava kind of muffles my voice. Yeah, we have, yeah, I don't know about you if you know this, London, but like the Catholic Church did a real number in Ireland, you know, real bad. Like they treated Ireland like their Playboy mansion, you know? Like I saw in the newspaper the last day, they were like in Ireland, they were gonna teach consent in the schools and I was like, well, you should start with the ******* teachers, you know? Like I really wanted to be an altar boy when I was a kid and my dad was like, Ryan, listen, if you be an altar boy, you'll be molested. And I was like, Jesus, your house, your rules. My girlfriend found out that she's never gonna have kids if she keeps that haircut. I can tell some of you are looking at me like, you're someone to ******* talk. This is called male pattern baldness, but pattern makes it sound like it might turn out good. And I'm like, this is all, look, this looks like a ******* map of Amazonian deforestation, you know? Like the barbers is the only place in the world where I have absolutely no confidence because when I walk in, they're like, what are you looking for? And I'm like, help. They're like, what number? And I'm like, probably the Samaritans at this stage. Now, I shaved my hair off during the ****, I was about to say famine. I shaved my hair off during the pandemic, right? And it was very funny because like for me, I was absolutely fine with it. I got to like grips with it quite easily, but my mom clearly is quite disappointed in the whole thing because she keeps trying, like, completely uncalled for, keeps trying to make me feel better about it, you know? Like the last day she rung me up and she was like, Jesus, Ryan, did you know, I was just like reading in a magazine, did you know that your hair continues to grow after you die? Just left me with that. Thought, oh, well, I'll work on that, mom. My friend Ky's like, I know you're trying to do the whole show business thing, but don't worry because like the rock's bald. Dwayne the Rock Johnson. I look more like a rock than the rock. The number one comment under one of my YouTube videos was Jesus, Ryan, I had no idea the famine was still raging on in Ireland. The last day I visited my grandmother, she called me Steve Jobless, which was devastating, you know? Now, when I was getting my hair cut, when my hair was falling out, there was this guy who was cutting my hair, he was like, Ryan, your hair's going thin, you know? Your hair's going thin. I'm like, it's not going thin, that's the wrong, it's falling out. Like, there is a big difference. Like if my brother came back from Vietnam with no legs, he wouldn't be like, ooh, look who lost weight. I found out an absolutely stunning statistic about the United Kingdom, okay? Did you know in the United Kingdom, one in every 28 people is apparently a paedophile? Isn't that ******* awful? Isn't that way more than you'd ever imagine? That means there's like three in this building. And what I want to know is, where are both of you guys? Think I'll let that one go for a little second there. God's sake, has anybody here, while I'm on the subject, has anybody here ever seen like the internet TV show, the internet show, Paedophile Hunters? No? If you don't know what it is, it's like an internet show where these people pretend to be kids, they lure out paedophiles to like Tesco car parks, they film them, they ruin their lives, and you know, look, it's a harrowing watch, but it's a little bit better than Love Island, right? My one problem I have with it all is the name, Paedophile Hunters? Hunter's a bit of a ******* stretch, isn't it? Like if I was a lion hunting a gazelle, I wouldn't slide into its DMs being like, I'm a baby gazelle, I'll suck your dick. Did you know, did you know that 80%, that over 80% of all hunting in general happens in safaris? It's ******* cheating. Like it's not hunting if you've paid an entry fee. Like I wouldn't call myself a whale hunter if I just walked into SeaWorld and harpooned the nearest orca. Have you guys seen that documentary, Blackfish? That was a guy. You were like, it was me, all of it. It's a harrowing watch, it's a pretty depressing documentary, right? But when I watched it, right, my roommate, he smokes a lot of weed, and we were watching the documentary, and he said one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen, like I've ever heard. He was just like, Ryan, I don't think any of these whales are sad. Like what? Explain yourself. And I was like, well, how could they be sad? They're doing backflips all day, like. And I was like, how much of that have you been taking? And he was like, listen, Ryan, name me another thing that does like front flips and backflips all day and is sad. And I was like, what about 12-year-old Russian gymnasts? I've seen that documentary too. They have a terrible ******* time of it. I really wanted to try hunting, you know? I really wanted to try hunting, so I paid my uncle Billy a visit, you know? Because he lives up in a log cabin up in the woods, and he'd never see me coming. Yeah, rest in peace, Billy. I wasn't going to do the fringe this year, you know? The Stand Comedy Club were like, listen, Ryan, can you pleat? And that never happened. They were like, listen, we got a couple of stipulations. And I was like, okay, I've got a couple of, I'll have a couple of stipulations for you, and then I'll do the show. And they were like, what are they? And I was like, first of all, I don't want to do the big room. I want to, I can only perform in little, small, oval-shaped rooms. This looks like the room in like the end of Trainspotting when he steals the bag and fucks off, you know? They're like, anything else, Ryan? I was like, okay, I've got another couple of things. I was like, second of all, I need the room to be at least 400 degrees at all times. I want people to feel like they're slowly cooking. That's what I want in a comedy show. They're like, anything else? And I was like, can you make sure that the venue's like above a barber's? Did you know the way, guys, that sometimes dogs look like their owners? Yeah? Like yesterday, I knocked on my neighbor's door, and I was like, listen, I'm unfortunately, I think I've run over your dog. And she was like, what? The dog's in the kitchen? I was like, oh my God, is your husband in the kitchen? Because I feel like I have much worse news. I suffer from ADH. Have you guys seen Finding Nemo? I'm aware that's probably the stupidest joke in the whole show. I used to sleepwalk a lot. I used to sleepwalk so much that my parents had to get involved to help stop it. So they put a big, massive lock on the front door. Told me to **** off, live somewhere else. Now, is there anyone now, let me see, anyone from outside of, say, Ireland and the UK? Oh, great. Oh, ****, the whole front row. Where are you guys from? Greece. Greece? Italy. Greece, Italy? Israel. Germany. Fuckin' hell, this is brilliant. Absolute multicultural front row here. We'll go with you, Greece. Where, is abortion legal in Greece? I think so. You think so? You're like, I haven't had to dabble yet. I'm pro-choice. I think women should be allowed to do if they want their third bodies, right? But it's also because I find a lot of pro-life people very funny. They're always like, I don't believe in abortion. I'm like, well, it definitely exists. Like, my favorite are the people you see in the streets who like the pictures. They're like, oh, this is a fetus at 22 weeks. I'm like, oh, disgusting, kill it. One past an anti-abortion rally the last day and someone had a sign saying abortion reduces fertility and I was like, it's kind of the point. I found out that my roommate died of a drug overdose and I was like, devastating blow. One for the couple of coke addicts in here, yeah. Apparently the phrase, how much do you bench, is like a really inappropriate thing to say to a homeless person. Yeah, I was homeless for a short while, New York City, like 10 years ago. Very funny when you go through something like that. You know, you always see people, especially on like Christmas and like the cold months in the winter, they're always tweeting the same thing or Facebooking the same thing. They're always saying things like, oh, you know, spare a thought for the homeless on these cold nights, you know? Not like food or money or anything ******* useful. Just spare a thought. Bring that attitude on the street and someone's like, I'm starving. Could you spare some change? And you're just like, boop, thinking of you. Seen a lot of like anti-homeless devices going up around the cities in the world, but you know what the best anti-homeless device is? ------- houses. Thank you, vote for me. My doctor asked me my blood type and I was like, B negative, and he was like, yeah, **** it, you're probably gonna die anyway. Is anybody here, while I'm here, anybody work for like the NHS? Yeah, yourself, what do you do? Well, only in like Scotland would nobody give a ****. Like, I guarantee you, if that was America, people would have been clapping, shooting their guns. Fuck it. Like, all right, good, cool one. Yeah, you must've been funny because you worked in the medical thing, but you know, during like the pandemic, it was really funny because like COVID was the only thing that like all of a sudden people didn't trust medical advice on. Like it was, like you would never went into a hospital and someone's like, sorry, you're gonna need to go through some chemotherapy. We've got like a tumor here and you all be like, you know what? I think I'll do my own research. What research is that? What tassels you're putting on the ******* coffin? And what's your name? Andy. Right, Andy. Do you know like, this is quite, you might know this because you work in the NHS. You might've read this because I read something two weeks ago. Did you know that they're gonna be starting like helping people with like PTSD and their symptoms? They're gonna start trial and using MDMA to help them feel better. Yeah, you're like, yeah, I'm absolutely in there. So he's like, somebody give me PTSD right now. It's very funny though, but you know what the problem I think it is or what I think is a real like loophole in the thing? Surely MDMA would work for literally anything. Like if I was in a horrific car crash and in absolute pain in the hospital and so like a doctor drops an MD bomb and comes back 40 minutes later, are you feeling any better? Yeah. I'm having the ******* time of my life. It's MDMA. I remember my grandmother's last words. She was like, Ryan, what the ****? This isn't MDMA. My brother used to pee the bed a lot. He used to pee the bed so much that we had to like get involved to make him stop. So we bought an electric blanket. Rest in peace. My girlfriend gets really angry when I don't go to sleep the same time as her, which sounds like reasonable for many couples, but she's narcoleptic. I can't take that many naps. I was told if you're ever in a panicking situation, the best thing to do is like take some deep breaths. Okay. So I saw my cousin in a real panic situation. I was like, just take some deep breaths and he just drowned quicker. Trying to choke number two. This one's for, this one's for everyone. Okay. Do you guys know, shout out if you think you know the answer. Okay. Do you know what the number one job with the highest rate of suicide is in the world? No? Yeah, I'll tell you what. Number two is actually standup comedian. A lot of you are looking at me like, I can see that. I actually asked this a couple of weeks ago. Like, I was like, what do you think? And someone went terrorist. Terrorist is not a job. It's more of a passion, if anything, you know. The number one job with the highest rate of suicide currently is dentist. Yeah. Dentist. Is there any dentists in? No. Like when I heard that, like I was just like, how bad are our teeth? Like if you went to the dentist, you know, and by the time you got home, you found out he had killed himself. You'd just be like. You would never smile again. ------- suicide notes, just a prescription for some Colgate. I won some money. I won some money on a lottery ticket. Decided to spend it on a whore. Yeah. I bought my mom some flowers. I love that joke. I wrote that joke, rang up my mom, I was like, I've written a new joke about you. She was like, you know what, Ryan, I don't really like that one too much, to be brutally honest. Did you know, did you know if you cut up a human body, it contains enough fat to make at least seven bars of soap? I was like, ****, I could turn a hobby into a business. Right. My best friend's transgender. Okay. Transition from a man to a woman. And I think it's real brave of her to do that. You know, taking a pay cut like that. Little joke about the wage gap there, you know. A lot, that's a very heated subject, especially in comedy and even on the news these days. You know, a lot of talk about toilets, you know. Do you know that people that refuse to use gender neutral toilets regularly ---- themselves on planes? Like every toilet's gender neutral if you're disabled. When you think about it. No, it's a very heated subject. I'm pro-trans. As I said, my best friend's trans. Transition from a man into a woman. And then the day she was coming out to her dad, you know, she was real worried that he wouldn't understand it. Okay. So I went for moral support, sat out in the car in the front, you know. And she came out and I was like, what did he say? Did he get it? I know he's from a different time and all that. And she was like, oh, he said, you're no son of mine. I was like, oh good, he gets it. Understand it perfectly. Now I see a lot of ---- going on, like a lot of anti-trans stuff, especially from like JK Rowling. And you see it on Newsnight and ---- like that, right. And this is one of the most ridiculous debates or reasons they come up with. And I've seen this on TV. I've seen it on Facebook. I've seen it everywhere. And it's this argument, right. We can't let trans people use our toilets because what's going to happen is people are going to dress up as the opposite sex just to get into the toilets to get at our kids to molest. You're laughing. You've heard this. It's ******* ridiculous, isn't it? That's a real stretch. Right. If I was going to commit the cardinal sin of ******* child molestation, I don't think the only thing that's going to stop me is the little ******* sign on the door. And you're walking in like, oh, foiled yet again. I must dress up. Watching Big Mama's House going, oh, that's a good idea. Their idea of a predator is literally the plot line to Mrs. Doubtfire, you know. Now, we had the whole gay marriage thing in Ireland, you know, a long time ago. And that was a real tense time too. And you've seen a lot of the same bullshit with the same language, you know. Like I've seen someone, do you remember, you might remember this, right. They're like, I don't care if you're gay as long as they keep it out of the schools. What the **** did they think was happening in schools? All right, kids, put away your crayons. We're going to learn about the art of fisting right now. Now, there's an evangelical Christian church in America only two weeks ago that was still blaming hurricanes on gay marriage. In 2020. How *******, who looks out their window at a hurricane? Rain battering up against the window. ------- cow flying by. And they're like, you know whose fault this is? ------- Elton John's. The only time I'd actually blame gay people for the weather would be if it actually started raining men. One clap at the back like you loved it. Yeah, so there's no Americans in tonight, right. But like, my favorite thing about America is like, I'll watch a lot of like UFO abduction, like documentaries and interviews. It's one of my favorite things, right. And in America, it always seems to happen in the one area, you know, like the middle type of like South area, you know. And I hope that's true because that means if aliens actually do come to like, invade the rest of the world, they'll have like severely underestimated our intelligence. Like what am I, these ones have teeth. They're always so ******* happy as well on the radio. Like they're always so happy on the radio and the TV interviews. They're always like beaming to talk about it. And I think it's because they've never had surgery for free. It's the closest they've ever had to free healthcare, you know. I find it as well that the average American student spends over $180,000 in college and education. Imagine paying like nearly 200 grand to be target practice. Honest to God that we go through books in our schools, they go through magazines, you know. Now, did you know, if you're an American student in an American college by the year 2024, there is like a 40% chance you'll be involved in a school shooting if my visa gets approved. Now, is there any teachers in by any chance? Nope, right? The reason why I ask was there was this Republican Senator and his idea to deal with school shootings was to make sure that all the teachers were armed, right? Ridiculous idea for security reasons, but tell you what it is good for. It's great for educational reasons because you would always do your homework if your teacher was strapped. Imagine you didn't do your maths homework, you walk in, he's putting a single bullet in the chamber being like, well, Ryan, today we're gonna learn about probability. Now, people are into all sorts these days, especially in like the bedroom and stuff like that. You know, people are having sex with like robots and blow up dolls and the English. Every time I pass a graveyard, every time I pass a graveyard, I think of my grandfather's death and how I'm gonna do it. A lot of you are like, how many grandfathers and grandmothers have you had die in this set so far? My girlfriend likes being lightly choked in the bedroom. It helps her orgasm, okay? That's why every time I see her with like a turtleneck, I'm like, I know what you're up to. Has anybody here ever played with like a Ouija board? No? I used like, right, I used a Ouija board to contact like my dead neighbor, you know, and it didn't work. And eventually I was like, **** it, I should ring an ambulance at this stage. I used to, when at school, I used to, at school I used to love like blinding the other students, you know, so I'd reflect the sun off my watch into their eyes, or if it wasn't sunny, I'd just use a pencil. My mom found my phone and she was like, and she was like, Jesus, Ryan, there's so much better ways of making money. My uncle drank himself to death, which is a cooler way of saying he drowned. It's drowning joke number three of the show. Now guys, do you remember the internet, the internet like sensation planking a couple of years back? Yeah, planking was a big thing. My next door neighbor is a world champion planker. You know, like every time I go out to the backyard and I'd look over the fence, you know, he's still facedown by the washing line. Three years he's been out there. I'm like, you keep it up, Trevor. Man doesn't even flinch, he's a ******* professional. Now when my granddad died, we had him move my grandmother's grave up, you know, she had been dead a couple of years, we had him move it into like the family grave, so they're all in the one grave. And when we had him move the grave, the undertaker told us that, listen, we found fingernail scrapes on the inside of the coffin. I mean like, oh ----, means I'm not as good at tying knots as I thought I was. All right, so I've got a question for you, right? You are one inch in your mom and your dad's one inch and you do push forwards or back? The absolute stunts, don't answer it, I don't need you to. Do you know what's funny, I asked someone this like two days ago and this Dutch guy was like, I would do a tuck in front roll. I was like, you've been ******* thinking about this. I got asked that question last day, I was like, what, that was stunned? I was like, dad, just backwards, leave me alone. I found out that my sister gave a blowjob for a promotion. I was ******* disgusted. First thing I did, I went straight into the family house and I was like, dad, dad, this is no way to run a family business. Why wasn't I promoted? My therapist said a good self-esteem exercise is to date yourself, but I'm more depressed than ever because now I'm in a relationship with some bald, ugly cunt. I don't know, any couples in? Are you guys a couple? How long you guys been doing your thing? A year and a half. Oh, nice, okay, sweet. Is Rosario one in a million? Yes. Really, there's 7 billion people, that's a bit of an insult. Got you, mathematics. My girlfriend is like, Ryan, you're one in a million, and I found out recently she meant sexual partners. You know, people are always like the one that got away. They always talk about the one that got away, which is why I'm not allowed to babysit anymore. I love it when single people are like the one that got away, and I'm like, you're single? They ******* all got away. My ex-girlfriend once went commando in a restaurant and shot 14 people. I like to be insulted in the bedroom, that's why I only **** comedy reviewers. Now, I think there's nothing more awkward in life, right, than when you're watching a sex scene and your parents are in the same room. You know, I'm always like, why the **** did you film this? My parents were weird when it came to having sex, they used to tie a sock on the doorknob, you know, so it'd take me longer to get out of the room. I love Scottish women. They're the most sarcastic people in the world. Like, I'm a deeply sarcastic person, but Scottish women are a different level. Like, I remember I was gonna have sex with this girl, you know, and I tried to, like, break the ice by making a little joke, you know? So with the condom, I was like, oh, you know, there better not be any holes in this, and she was like, well, and how are you gonna get your ******* dick through it? I was like, all right, I can see what ******* mood you've turned up in. Someone once called me daddy in bed, and I was like, that's weird, you know? It's kind of, like, disrespectful. I'm your stepfather. I was with a girl, right? She brought a dog everywhere. She loved her dog. She brought it to work, you know? She brought it shopping. She even brought it into the bedroom. Eventually, I was like, great, I've had enough. It's either me or the dog, you know? I don't give a **** if you're blind. Some of you are like, I didn't know we were going with that. Look, guys, I use a lot of dark comedy. My family do. That's where it came from, you know? That's how we dealt with real ---- things that happened in our lives, you know? Like, for example, I made that joke earlier about, like, you know, like my grandmother in the ashes at the very start, but when my grandmother was actually on her deathbed, you know, and this is a true story, she was actually, she was quite a large woman, you know, and she used to love joking about it. It was her favorite thing to do. She did it for 20 years, and when we were there, we were like, oh, when you die, would you like your ashes, like, scattered in the park or something, you know? And she was like, what? Absolutely not. And I was like, what? I was like, what's the issue? She was like, what's the ******* issue? The place would look like Pompeii. That's what it would look like. It's just, it's an absolute good hell. Rest in peace. Now, I think comedians should be allowed to joke if they want, like, about what they want, as long as the intent is right, you know? My intent is to make you laugh. It's not to offend you or hurt you or anything. Sometimes that happens by accident. It's never the actual meaning. Like, you know, I don't want to be this, like, remember, like, Ron Atkinson a few weeks ago was like, the idea of comedy is to offend the guy that made Johnny English, man versus bee, and ******* Mr. Bean. Like, sit down, cunt, you know? No, comedians miss, too. That happens. You have to deal with the responsibility of that. You have to deal with the consequences of that, you know? But audiences sometimes miss as well. Like, recently I did a gig in Glasgow, you know? And I was with another comedian, Liam Whithnell, his name is, you know? You should go see him. He's in Monkey Barrel. Very funny, because he was sitting there and this guy came up to me and was like, Ryan, fair play to you. I loved all the rape jokes. And I was like, okay. Guy walks off and Liam's like, you didn't do any rape jokes. And I was like, I know. I don't know what the **** he's been hearing. They sometimes get old lads after the show going like, fair play to you for ******* saying it. And walking off, and I'm like, what message did you get from this? Sounds like it's racism or something. Now guys, I'll tell you about the time I missed the worst. The time I got in most trouble, okay. I got into a Twitter argument with celebrity Piers Morgan. Any Piers Morgan fans in? Yeah, there ******* never is. Now he was doing his usual thing. He was on Twitter, like Meghan Markle had one too many peacock feathers in her hat. What a slag, la la la, right? So I wrote a Twitter poll. I did a Twitter poll, which was, which was worse, Piers Morgan or the Holocaust? Yeah, that's the exact reaction. It's a dark subject to go into. I wasn't really thinking straight. Didn't get a good reaction. He did win by a landslide, by the way. But I went into the shower. I went into the shower. I wiped my laptop screen when I came back out and there was like 393 interactions. I was like, oh ----, something's went down. Now he retweeted it to all his followers. Got a lot of flack for it, rightly so. Like I got two rabbis in my DMs, you know, one of them with like links to the Holocaust and why it's not funny and the whole history of thing. And I was like, yeah, you're right, buddy. And then like five minutes later, I got another rabbi going like, don't tell anyone, but I thought that was the funniest thing I've ever read. Quite funny. Best thing is a local radio station rang me up that day and they were like, Ryan, can you care to comment on this? And the only thing I could think about saying was, oh, don't look at me. I voted for the Holocaust. The last day I actually was doing the gig and some guy was like this and I go, oh, did you not like that? And he goes, no, I ******* love it. I'm just boiling. Now, anybody like any coffee fans in? I'm so weird. There's no easy link into that. Look, I love it. I'm a big Caffe Nero fan, okay? Like they supply plugs. That's enough for me. Like Caffe Nero is Italian for black coffee, I believe. Yeah, yeah. But if you ever go into Caffe Nero and you look at like the little spoons and the cups, they use like a lot of imagery of Emperor Nero, right? Now, I don't know if there's any history buffs in, but Emperor Nero was like really well known for his like debauchery and his cruelty. Like here's some little facts. Like he molested his own sister and then had her executed. Yeah, he married his own brother and also had him executed. He kicked his own pregnant wife to death. He was a well-known rampant pedophile, right? He used to own like slaves and he would like genitally mutilate the slaves, you know? But anyway, the sandwiches are great. Who gives a **** who's the face of the franchise anymore? It's not even a ******* thing. I walked past, in Edinburgh, I walked past a strip club the last day called Birkin Hair. If you don't know what Birkin Hair are, they are grave digging cereal. What a sexy little name that was. Like if I'm gonna open a strip club and they're like, what are you gonna call it? I'm thinking about Fred and Rosemary West. Get everyone ******* going. No, I stay off Twitter, right? I think it's a little bit much. You're just pinned as an extreme left-wing person, extreme right-wing person. I'm a big lefty at heart. That's where my politics lie, right? But they all tend to be quite annoying, especially online, you know? But it's a little bit better than extreme right who are dangerous. Like, put it like this. Extreme right-wing people kill people, but extreme left-wing people like kill parties. That's the way I look at it, you know? Like I look at Nazis these days the same way as I look at like S-Club 7. Do you know what I mean? They used to be popular, but they lost a lot of members now, you know? Now, if you look at Nazis, no Nazis these days, they spread a lot of their hate over like YouTube videos and like stuff like that. It's all online stuff, you know? Which is a lot less threatening sounding. It's obviously dangerous, but it's a lot. Like, can you imagine how much less threatening Hitler would have been if all the speeches were done on the ******* webcam in his bedroom? You know, him trying to get into it and his mom coming in with tea like, get out. He's like, please, we must kill all the Jews, but please make sure you like, like, and subscribe. Follow me on TikTok. Are we doing a giveaway on Wednesday? Shoes again. Like, look, listen, I'm going to talk, I'm going to finish the show with a little talk about the queen. And you can tell by my accent what way it's going to go. Now, the royal family are getting a lot of flack, but the person that gets away with it the most is the queen, you know? Everybody's always like, oh, she's got a dry sense of humor. She's got a like dark sense of humor. That's all you always hear. But her only job seems to be, while sitting on like a ******* wealth of 550 million in taxpayers' money, her only job seems to be sitting at Christmas on a gold piano and giving a lovely Christmas message to everyone while like 45% of all kids in the United Kingdom are underneath the poverty line. She's got a ******* darker sense of humor than me. That's like me sitting in a jacuzzi in Rwanda, sending out a video to everyone, going, ah, guys, for 10% of your paycheck, we can keep this bad boy bubbling another hundred ******* years. Listen, guys, that is the end of the show, right? I thank you very, very much for coming, being a part of this. Give Rosario fruit. Absolute star of the show. I really appreciate it for sticking the heat and everything, but thank you very much. I'll talk to you outside. Thank you. Enjoy the rest of your evening. Okay, last one. Every photo of an orphan is a family photo. I know, I love that. I did that joke like two days ago and somebody was clapping in the back and I was like, you all right? He goes, I'm an orphan. I'm just drinking a can of Foster's. My name's Ryan. You got that one so ******* late.