Dont Tell Comedy show

Mr. Zack Abe! Alright, Jack Saladino everybody, give it up for him. Fuck it, I'm from the deep south too. Ashley was talking about how she was from white trash because her mother is Waffle House owned. I ******* wish my mom worked at Waffle House. She is no longer white trash to me. She is Caucasian debris, alright? That man, that woman is sophisticated. My favorite things to do is test and drive when I have my friends in the car. Y'all don't like to live dangerously like I do? I usually do it because I need to know that I have a good left hand man. Because I jerk off when I drive. I used to do it with two arms, but now it's a little difficult. I gotta ******* drive with my knee. I got pulled over on the way here actually. It wasn't because I test and drive, I promise. It was actually because, I didn't know this, did y'all know this? In Virginia it is illegal to fly a flag outside of your window. Did you guys know that? I didn't either. He pulled me over because of that reason. But he let me off with a warning because when he came up to my window he realized that I wasn't flying a flag. It was just my left sleeve flying out of the ******* window. What can you do? I don't have AC in my car. I have the windows open and there's a good draft on this left side. It's basically like having an air conditioned shirt. That's not what I'm ******* talking about. Nobody here has been cursed with every car they've owned is not AC? Every car I've owned doesn't have AC. I don't know what God has against me. Obviously a lot. I'm from Alabama. That's weird that we get woos. We usually don't get that. It's because we have a lot of episodes on the first 48. Alabama's not the place to go. Do you think Spider-Man would go there and save the city? Fuck no. He knows what's going on there and he don't want no part of it. Yeah, roll ******* tide. Dude, that's right. Roll tide, buddy. Fuck War Eagle, dude. LS who? Anyway, that's enough. That's enough. I'm going to trigger some people because y'all are losers. I am from Alabama though. I moved here three years ago from Alabama and I was very excited about the snow that we got last year. I loved it because my only experience with snow is when it's chopped up on the ******* coffee table. Yeah. Which means that's crazy to have cocaine in Alabama. We're so poor. We shouldn't have cocaine. We have a meth problem. If you have cocaine, you have ******* money, dude. You really do. You sold 12 cars that month. You're *******, you're getting it, dude. I am super happy right now just because I'm not not just because I'm doing comedy. It's okay. I can hear you guys talking in the back. It's okay. There's no show going on. Yeah, they're going to continue talking. Y'all done? No, I get it. It's drunk. You're having a good time. It ain't no big deal. I just want to do my act. I'm very excited tonight because not only because of comedy, but my mom is in town and I haven't seen her in a few years and it's her ******* birthday today, guys. Give it up for my mom in the back. She ain't going to stand up because she's embarrassed, but... Everybody, please. Yeah, round of applause for my mom, man. She gave birth to me, man. She failed the ******* abortion, though. She used that coat hanger. She only got an arm, dude. I'm sorry I survived. Oh, man. I love my mom so much. I'm going to go ahead and address the elephant in the room. I have one arm. Drunk people in the room, you're not seeing... I'm sure you're not seeing double right now. And if you are, you're wrong. That's why I don't date women that are drunk because they think I'm normal. But you're seeing double, dude. I love... Yeah, that got late. That happened a little late, dude. That was two seconds too late, man. I love my mom, though, because I got amputated in 2018 and the first thing she did when she came into the operating room after my surgery, she brought me this shirt. It says, Don't shoot, I'm unarmed. And then my Uncle Steven walked in right behind her and he was like, Oh, man, I know what ******* hand-hit jerks off with. These motherfuckers were bullying me from the get-go, dude. Assholes. I got amputated in February of 2018 and then that following Christmas, my mom got me a great gift. She got me a watch. Not just any watch, it's a touchscreen smartwatch. And this woman... This woman watched me put the watch on with my mouth and she had the audacity to look me in the eye and said, You can send text messages with your nose. I'm not gonna *******... Peck my wrist in public so I can tell my therapist that I have some new ******* issues to deal with. It's fun. Enough about my mom. She's had enough attention. She was crying off the plane. I love my dad. I love my dad more, by the way, Mom. I'm just kidding. She's here and he's not. But I love my dad, too. My dad's a ******* character, man. He really is. I grew up really poor, which is expected in Alabama. We all grow up poor. And my dad had weird ways of making money, you know? And my dad was also, like, really obsessed with the movie Fight Club. He loves that movie. And the thing is, me and my middle brother, we fought a lot. We were always throwing hands. Well, hand now, but... Well, we were always fighting and we were always putting holes in the drywall. And my dad got sick of it one day. He was just like, listen, you guys can either go outside, put on the boxing gloves and handle it that way, or I can ******* whoop your ass with a belt. Option one all day long. Let me beat the ---- out of Chris, alright? He's had it coming. But the weird thing was, after every time we would fight, we would see more and more of our neighbors showing up with money in their hands. Yeah, my dad started a little fight club with two 12 year olds. He made bank. He got that roof over our heads, dude. But one day I got pissed because I just kept getting my ass beat. And I told my dad, I was like, I'm gonna ******* call the police on this, dude. I'm gonna shut down this operation. He was like, no, no, no, no, no, son. We've talked about this. We all know the rules of Fight Club. Everybody knows the first rule of Fight Club, right? What's the first rule of Fight Club? Don't drink. You're so drunk, dude. Beat that bitch. Is that what you say in the bed, dude? I'm gonna beat that bitch. I made the redneck in the back laugh, so I know I'm good. Fuck yeah, dude. But yeah, the first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club. And then my dad came up with his very own second rule. He was like, you don't tell CPS. And I never did. Hey, he kept a roof over our heads at the expense of my jaw and my ribs. My brother has a mean left hook. I'm aware that I look like the boyfriend pillow that came to life. The Paul Rudd version from Anchorman. Yeah, it's $39.99 on Amazon. It's very comfortable. Don't ******* aw at that. That's funny. That's the only reason why women date me is so they can cuddle. It's nice. Do you know what it's like to lay on your left side and it's completely flat? It's nice. Y'all think it's bad. It's not. It's cool. Oh man. Alright, I'm gonna go ahead and tell y'all about what happened. Okay? I'm sure you're all ******* wondering. What happened to what? Fuck, that was the oldest joke in the book. Oh, I don't see left arms missing. That's the same thing as white people saying I don't see color. Same ******* argument and it sucks. Jesus Christ. I don't see arms, dude. I don't see your ******* glasses, dude. You need to dust them, bitches. They're dirty, dude. Your glasses are dirty, dude. Wash your glasses. He said that? My bad. The black guy got the flex. Shit, my bad, dude. Shit. You sounded white. I'm sorry. Oh, ****. You can't beat me up after this. It's a ******* hate crime. Okay? If I beat you up, it's a hate crime. If you beat me up, it's a hate crime. It's fucked up, dude. Don't do it. I'm so sorry about that. I didn't mean to miss melanin you. You have plenty of melanin in your skin. But alright, let's get to the ******* let's get to the let's get to the deeds. Yeah, so I lost my arm because I used to work on a ranch in Alabama and my speciality was artificially inseminating horses. Do y'all know what that is? It's when you stick your arm inside of a horse's vagina with sperm in your anty to release it so she can get pregnant. Yes. That's what happened. Usually, you go up to the elbow. This day, I went up to the shoulder and she orgasmed hard. That bitch clamped down like a, oh, dude, it was tight. And the more I struggled, the more I pulled, the madder she got and then eventually she got so pissed off, she kicked me straight in the chest with her hind legs and it knocked me out. And I woke up like 10 or 15 minutes later and I was just staring at this horse's ass with my arm hanging out with it. And my dad, being the entrepreneur he is, he's like, oh, I can make a few bucks from this. He was like, hey, who pulls the arm from the horse's pussy will be the king of Alabama. I will give you 50 pounds of weed and a six pack of Miller Highline. That's not true but I love telling that to crackheads at the 7-Eleven because they definitely believe me. Dude, I don't know if y'all know this but crackheads and toddlers are kind of the same when it comes to handicapped people. When they see somebody handicapped, they're just, what happened? Oh, man. I love my dad though. I love, anybody here smoke weed? That's not normal. Does anybody here smoke weed? Did y'all ******* hear me? Okay, gotcha. I love smoking the devil's lettuce. It's awesome. Does anybody here smoke with their parents? How about that? That's a better question. I smoke with my, my dad will video call me just to smoke. He'll video call me when I'm taking a ----. He's like, hey, what are you doing? You want to smoke a joint? I'm like, I will after I pinch this off, you know? But like, I remember the first time I smoked with my dad. It was the most amazing moment ever. It was right before I was about to get amputated, you know? My dad, he told me like, he came downstairs and he was like, hey, son, I know you're about to lose your arm pretty soon and I think we should do some things that you enjoy doing, you know? And he took another drag off of his joint. You need to go cut that ******* grass. I was like, I was going to go play guitar, but okay. He was like, I didn't say do what you enjoy, I said do what I enjoy. He loved watching me do his work. My dad's handicapped too, so. I learned from the best. Did somebody just say ah to that? What the ****? Oh, by the way, I just got back from New York City and doing comedy out there and, yeah, it was pretty cool, but like out of all the millions of people there, only one amputee. And it was me. I was like, Jesus Christ, where do I have to go? ------- the VA? Jesus Christ. But yeah, oh man. Has anybody here seen, let's change topics real quick. Have y'all seen the original Exorcist movie made in the 70s? I seen that when I was four years old. You shouldn't see that. But I did anyways and I remember I got nightmares from it and so I started sleeping with my parents in order to avoid nightmares so I could start dreaming about being Spiderman and saving Birmingham. But I remember one night I woke up to a bunch of commotion in the bed from my parents. I heard a bunch of choking sounds. Just a bunch of weird ---- that you don't wanna hear at four years old because you're gonna be going to therapy about it when you're 30. So I woke up and I rubbed my little five year old eyes and I looked over at my parents and they weren't having sex. My mom was on top of my dad with her hands around his neck and she was choking the dog ---- out of him. She was just like, sell it. Sell the El Camino. Sell it. My dad had a 69 El Camino that he loved more than her. She wanted him to get rid of it and I got nervous because they'd fight all the time and I ---- the bed and my dad didn't like that so he picked me up and threw me in my own ---- as a punishment so don't raise kids in Alabama. I'll end it on this, man. I'm assuming that a lot of you guys are on dates right now. I hate dating. It sucks. It doesn't matter how handsome or handicapped you are you still get bad luck but I will say this. I got a lot of love recently on Bumble because I changed all of my pictures inside of my profile. I changed them all exclusively to this side. And I catfish every ******* lady I meet at Outback Steakhouse, dude. It is nice. I'm just posting up outside you know, right side showing smoking a cigarette and then they go to shake my hand and they're like, hey, nice to meet you. I'm like, hey, nice to meet you and then I turn and then they see me they're like, oh, ****! Jesus! Goddamn, dude you ******* wore me before you turned. Jesus, you look like you have a green screen behind you. And also I wasn't expecting the girl to be here.