Dry Bar Special "Cashmere"

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Chris Voth. Thank you. Thank you for that genuine enthusiasm. That was not doctored at all, thank you. But you fell from the gut, you're like, I really feel like this guy deserves a standing ovation just from his name, because that's what we know so far, and we love it. We don't know anything about him, we kind of think he likes rocket ships, but we're not totally sure. He definitely likes clouds, but I'm not even sure if he knows there's a rocket ship going through his clouds that he cares so deeply about. All right, Utah native, anybody else? Utah native, let's make a little noise, yeah? Yeah, fantastic. I am not from Utah, but I just thought I would say it that way to see if you guys would fall for it. You did. I grew up in a small... Okay, so we have trust issues early, that's okay. It's a long night. I grew up in a small town in northern California. I grew up in Chico is where I grew up, and yeah, that's right. A lot of people know of Chico because they know of Chico State because everyone knows someone who went to Chico State. They don't know anyone who graduated from Chico State, but they know someone who went there for a long time, and they had a great time, and they're really happy, bro. And now they work in a bike shop, and they're just... Anyway, so I grew up in this small town in northern California, and not a very diverse town. I know you can't imagine that here, but... Yeah. Don't look around. I was... I was the only Caucasian in an all-white neighborhood growing up, so I know how it can be. It can be tough. We wanted to play pickup basketball, but all we had were referees. It was difficult. I'm not saying it was easy. Did a lot of field goal kicking, mostly. A little bit of long snapping. I'm a huge sports guy, though. Obviously, I am super athletic, and... Thank you for laughing at that part. That is good. Not the joke. Thank you. I'm sorry. I self-identify as super athletic. That's how I feel on the inside, and... Yeah. The outer body belies how I really feel, and I also feel like I'm super hot. That's just how I was born, and I should be able to use whichever bathroom I like, but anyway... I had a couple of bad sports incidents. I'm not even talking about the time. I was hit by a pitch in T-ball. It was years ago. We don't have time to hear that story. Concussion. It was actually pretty serious, but... First base coach. Anyway, I don't want to get into it, but... But I got to high school, and gym class was tough. It was tough. Kids made fun of me a lot in the locker room because I'm all hairy and stuff, and they... Okay. Thank you. You guys are not laughing at all the right spots, but... But the stand ovation was genuine, so I'm letting it go. I'm letting it go. But I'm just saying. So anyway, the kids, they used to call me Kashmir, which is just a nickname. Ladies. But we would... Yeah. Play... We used to play shirts and sweaters, and so we would just split up the teams because we didn't have jerseys, so... All right. You can let that fester for a bit if you like. It's up to you. A lot of young people here, you may not know this, but body hair is the hair that does not recede. That... Yeah. It's one of life's jokes. As you get older, you're like, wow, that's not going away. That is... Just keeps filling in, and so... Yeah. You're not going to develop a bald spot in the middle of your back. That's not going to happen. Just keeps filling in. So recently, instead of getting a belly button ring, I just got a scrunchie, you know? Just to sort of organize it. Keep it together. I like to be organized. I don't know if you guys have heard about this. I had my appendix out not long ago, and... Well, my friends heard about it, so I thought maybe you had heard about it, so... Anyway, here's what happened. I know you guys are all quiet, like, wow, that guy had major surgery, and he's up there telling jokes tonight. This is incredible, and... I don't know what words come to mind, but probably courageous has to be one of them. Right? The word hero gets thrown around. Anyway... I know. It's not major surgery. It's mid-major surgery. It's the Gonzaga of medical procedures. But here's... Here's what happened. My stomach started hurting pretty bad, and I thought, wow, I must have tweaked a muscle in my stomach. And then I remember, I don't have muscles in my stomach. I don't even know where I got that idea. Right? I think it's all cartilage. Not even sure. So I ignored it, you know, let it go. A couple days go by. It's getting way worse, so I'm thinking, okay, there's no way this was from doing crunches three years ago. This is probably something serious. Better get it checked out. So I go to the doctors. They're like, yeah, you got appendicitis. You're gonna have to have surgery. They did surgery. It was a two-hour surgery. About an hour and a half of that was shave time, but still, two hours total, you know, if you count the whole thing. And they did charge me a full two-hour doctorate, not hour and a half supercut rate, and then the last half hour doctorate, as they should have, prorated. Anyway, I woke up from surgery. I looked down. They'd done a pretty supercut job, to be honest. All they did was shave a bald circle to get in there. They did not blend it in with the rest of it at all. Despite having the clippers out right there. It could have given me a fade to the side, you know, something to clean it up. A couple stripes right here, whatever. No big old bald spot here on my stomach, so all summer long, I had to grow this part out and try to comb it over, you know, just try to cover it up, so I could go to the pool. So I was home to see my family back in my hometown not long ago. I saw my brother. I don't care about him, but his kids are fantastic, and I have an amazing nephew and a niece, and I think another niece, and they are great, and I love kids, and they... My nephew, whenever he sees me, Uncle Chris comes running towards me, right? I always pick him up. I blow on his stomach, make that fart noise. You guys do that with the kids, right? Does it... like that. He's 15, and he's big. You know, it's hard to get him up there. You can do it. It's just about leverage. Uh, it's... Gotta bounce him a couple times. He's kind of sweaty. He's a big guy, and he, uh... He loves it. He loves it, and his friends like it, too. It's kind of weird, but you know what? Everybody gets two turns, and so that's just... That's just a house rule, you know? That's a house rule, and we make a chart... around Robin. It's pretty organized. It's pretty organized. More than you would think. So... So my grandmother, my grandmother is now 99 years old, which is pretty amazing, and, uh, yeah. Sure. Clap it up. Yeah. Terrific. Thank you. She would never hear that, but that's very nice of you. Uh, she... I mean, come on. She's 99. She's older. Uh, and she's actually at the age where you can probably say old. It's okay. Uh, because that's what we always say. She's like fine wine, you know, really should be kept in a cellar at this point, but we love her. We love her. Would not leave her down there. Don't turn on me this early. Uh... We'd bring her out for special events and stuff, and so, um, right? That's what you do with fine wine, and so... Or if she paired well with dinner, we would bring her out, and so... Uh, I see my grandmother twice a year. I see her during the holidays, and I see her during the summer, and, uh, during the holidays, she always wants the same gift. I don't know if you have that sort of grandma. Every year, she's always wanting us to get her a flu shot, and so we like to switch it out, but... You know, get her a Swiffer, something she can use, and... Maybe some new tennis balls for her walker. They start to wear out. They really do, and you want... You want to get her some tracks in so she can stop when she comes in the kitchen all fast, but she, um... Sometimes we'll get her gift certificates to really, really old Navy. Just fun stuff, you know, and... Right? Something from forever 81, because she loves it there, and she has a great time. A couple years ago, nine, if you're doing the math, we had the big 90th birthday party. I don't know if you ever planned a 90th birthday party. Weird party to plan, first of all. It's not like a normal birthday party. You can't get a blow-up bouncy castle in the front yard for Grandma, because she can't get out of there, and so we had, um... Right? Lesson learned, birthday 86. So we had to switch it up. We knew that part. Like, what can we do? Let's brainstorm. Let's get a pinata full of stool softener or something fun we can all participate in. Perhaps get a heart surgeon to jump out of a cake. Whatever. We didn't know. We didn't know what she was into. Well, that way he was there when she was surprised, so we would need some sort of a backup plan at that point. We ended up doing this. We got a President Grover Cleveland impersonator, which was a huge hit. He was amazing. He was there for two non-consecutive hours, and so... Okay, so you're gonna have to look that joke up later. It's a pretty good joke. It's not amazing, but... something you might want to check out later. I do really love my grandma, and my grandma is Missner Wright Thumb, which is this weird thing, and I know you guys are two really nice people, so you're gonna feel bad about it, but let's just go with the joke. Because it's happened a long time ago. It's no big deal. But it was fun for her birthday, because we were like, Hey, Grandma, you're 90! She couldn't see it, but we're laughing about it. Giving her a high four every time we go by her. But it slows her down. I mean, only one thumb at 99 years old now. She can't text message very well. She's not very good at it. Especially when she's driving. She has a hard time controlling the sidecar, and so it is... Right? When she's stuck on the side of the road. She can't hitchhike very well. She can northbound, but not southbound. You can figure that joke out. I don't need to explain it to you, but I did anyway. She's not a very good movie critic. There's a bunch of stuff. But anyway, they're positives. I know she gets a discount when she gets her nails done. I don't know how much, but I'm going to guess 10%. Let's just put a number out there. Let's just put a number. We don't even know. So here's what happens. My grandma tries to email us, right? And I don't know why, really, at 99, you don't even need to be emailing. Whatever she knows, we've known long ago. But whatever. She's all typing away. Titanic sank! You know, whatever news she just came across. And so, um... So she's typing away. But she misses the space bar a lot because of her nub. And so, uh... And when I say a lot, I mean all the time. It's just letters all the way across. You got to try to figure out where the spaces are supposed to be. This one time I thought there was some casualties at the garage sale. Turns out it was casual ties at the garage. It's funnier on paper. You should write it down, is what I'm saying. Just write it down. You'll see it. It really pops when you see it on paper. Anyway, that's my grandma. My grandma's just a regular grandma. You know, my grandma's just like your grandma. She puts her bra on one leg at a time. You know, she's no different. She just... I like just sitting there and listening to you guys get uncomfortable. It's really great. I just feel that. So I grew up in Northern California and I wanted to be a comedian. It'll happen someday, but you know what? You just dream and, uh... First I got to get on my little ship and fly around and then... something. But, uh... So I wanted to be a comedian. So I moved to Los Angeles and my first job, strangely enough, I worked at a place called Disneyland. I don't know if you guys are familiar with that place, but hopefully, yeah. Three of you, and that is great. The rest of these jokes will not make sense to the rest of you. It's going to be a little confusing, but... It is the happiest place on Earth. Unless, of course, you just got rammed in the back of the heel with a stroller. And then you're not happy at all. You're not actually... You're very angry. So I already knew I wanted to tell jokes and I went to Disneyland when I was in 4th or 5th grade and I went on the Jungle Cruise and that was the job I wanted to have. That was my dream job. And I peaked around 19, and so I, uh... Yeah, because I went there and I went on this ride and I realized there's a guy telling jokes at Disneyland. Like, this is how amazing it is. It's like this dream job inside of a magical place. It's like being an astronaut inside of a Chipotle. You get that sort of... See how it tied in? It really does. It really ties in really well now. I didn't get it until right then. Now I understand it. So... You just have to... The clouds are Chipotle. I don't know if you can understand the metaphor, but it's probably there. Just look closely. Anyway, so this is my job, right? I work there. It's cool. You're working at Disneyland. You get to see behind the scenes stuff. I'm not going to ruin anything for you, but... One thing they do in the fall, in October they have a rummage sale where Disney puts out stuff they are trying to get rid of. Just for employees, not everybody. Some of its movie merchandising things didn't sell well during the year. I was there and they had hunchback Notre Dame backpacks and things like that, and they had some, uh... They're not all going to be hits in the marketing department, so... Little Mermaid, Tuna Helper, whatever. They got different stuff, and they're walking around. Most of the items make sense, but... So what it is, they have the movie merchandising stuff, and then they have whatever it goes for. They go for all the unclaimed, lost, and found items for the entire year. Absolutely true. If you lost something at the park, you don't claim it. You just leave. They put it in a big pile. Sell it back to the employees. It's really cheap, so you get a pair of Ray-Bans or probably crying kids or something for five. Everything's five bucks, and you're walking around, and you guys are really too nice to go to a comedy club. And so... You are kind-hearted people. That is not an insult. It feels like it, but it's not. Anyway... I've never apologized for complimenting people that way, but I had to do that right there, because I could feel... Anyway, let's get back to what I was talking about. That's when I became a male model, and I loved it, but, uh... I feel like I skipped a part, so I'm going to go back. So anyway, you're walking around. They got the unclaimed, lost, and found items there at Disneyland. You walk around. Most of the items make sense, right? Like hats, glasses, fanny packs, if you know, if they're from Europe or wherever. And so, uh... And that makes sense, right? And then you have items that, uh... It's a little weird why they would... Oh, let me just get to it. They had a row of wheelchairs they were selling that were unclaimed, lost, and found wheelchairs, so... Let's pause for a moment and acknowledge I'm not making fun of people in a wheelchair. That's not what I'm doing. I'm making fun of people who lost their wheelchair at Disneyland. And then just left without it. I feel like... That's a pretty small group of people in the world that would not notice at some point, as you're sliding across the parking lot on the way to the car. But geez, I feel like something's different. I don't know, guys. Did I have sunglasses on earlier? Somebody check that Splash Mountain photo. Okay. It's weird. I don't know if you know this at Disneyland. If you're in a wheelchair, you don't have to wait in a line, which is not... I don't know if that should be the case, because they're on a ride all day long, but they know that is one of the rules. Uh-huh. See? I feel like I'm sort of winning on some of this. You guys are sort of coming my way a little more than... than I thought you would have when you walked in. Here's something else you probably... I don't know. I think it's strange. You never run into someone you know when you're on It's a Small World. Isn't that crazy? Seems like you would. Seems like... So, I lived in Los Angeles for a long time and then I moved to Colorado. I live in Denver now, actually, and yeah, sure. That's great. It's a great place to live. You don't need to move there, but it's a great place where you live is probably just as good, and let's just leave it at that. It's a beautiful city. It's a great place to live. I lived there for a long time. I had a condo there for... I used to have a condo over by the park. We have, again, amazing parks in Colorado. Amazing parks. Especially if you like watching geese walk around. I don't know if you have that same issue here, but in Denver we have amazing geese walkers and they... and I'm sure every city in the country says, they're like, we have the best geese walkers, but we really do. We have birds that could fly. They've chosen not to, but they could fly anywhere in the world and they're like, nah, we're cool right here and just walk around in the park. I don't even understand that at all. If you had the gift of flight, where would you go? Probably everywhere is the answer. They're like, no. And so they just walk around and it's almost like they know humans want to fly and they're just rubbing it in our faces. I think that's part of what they're doing. Because they do this a lot. They'll get all... and they decide they're going to go eat grass on the other side of the road and they all get in a line. They walk across the street and they hold up traffic. If you could fly, would you ever walk across the street? No, you would not. I'm just going to tell you right now, you wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't even walk to the kitchen if I could fly. I'll tell you that. I'd be in the fridge, back of the couch, never touch the ground, just because I could. And then sometimes I'm out in the park and I'll see this. I'll see a dog chase the geese. You think, oh, they're going to fly away. They don't. They run from dogs. They're like cruised across the ground all fast. It's a weird thing to see. Geese can do two things I've always wanted them to do. They can fly and take a dump on a golf course. And I feel like they are wasting that potential. Yeah, it's a poop joke. And so I didn't really want to do it, but it's a union thing. And so I've got to do one one per show. Fist joke coming up later. If I'm allowed to say that. If not, urine is coming up later. All this will be cut out. There's only going to be four minutes of my act. We're going to have to start from right here. All right. And now it's good to be here, everybody. I do know this. Part of this video set they have, you can download my catchphrase as a ringtone, which is awesome, except I don't have a catchphrase. So I'm going to try to think of one during the course of this set and say it a bunch of times and see if it resonates with any of you. Because I think that's so rocket ships is probably a good one. And then it'll look like I tied it all in together. Probably not. Anyway. So I was talking about for a while I had a condo. I don't know if you're any condo owners, but I was on the second floor and so I didn't touch the ground, which means I probably didn't own land. I'm not really even sure how that works. Obviously I didn't read the things I signed when I bought the place. But it's something I would think about a lot when I try to fall asleep at night. I think, you know, if this place burns down and the guy below me doesn't want to rebuild, I got nothing. I got... Right? All I got is 10 to 20 feet in the air. I'm like, yeah, that's all mine right up there. Throw a frisbee through that area because I own it. Just waiting for someone else to build underneath it so I can put my stuff back up there. It's weird if you are someone that's trying to do something like be a comedian. I knew I was going to have to have other jobs. You've seen the act. And so I knew I was going to have to do something. And we kind of talked about this already, but I didn't really want to do other jobs because I'm not a hard worker. And so, yeah. I am one of those lazy people. Anybody else? Lazy people? Come on. Let's make some noise. Yeah. Terrific. Thank you. Thank you very much. Although a few of you are applauding, so that's not really lazy. But you... No. Truly lazy people usually just sit there and go... They're not going to bring their hands all the way up and get all tired out. That's not quite the way we work, but thank you for being supportive. I've been lazy my whole life. I used to ride the bus to homeschool and I had all my pop-up books on tape. I like to... I like to sleep. That's what I do. I love to sleep. I sleep all the time. I sleep so much I make my cat look like an insomniac. It's dead. That's pretty good. I feel like if you can out-sleep a dead cat, you're doing pretty well in my book. I do this. I like to take naps. I often take naps. Sometimes I set my alarm to get up and take a nap because I'm disciplined. But I... I love to do this. I love to take an underwear nap. That is the greatest thing. It's so liberating. In the middle of the day, just strip down to your skivvies, kick back to the recliner, turn the TV on, sleep all day, right? Well, until the store closes. But most of the day you can do it and then at some point they will send you home and you have to put the briefs back where you got them and... Yeah, I know. I know. I feel the same way. They are all about rules at Sears. That's what you find out. They're all about rules. So, lazy, so I'm like, okay, so I'm going to have to have another job. What sort of job am I going to have? I don't want to do a whole lot, so what could I do? I'm brainstorming. Like a seedless watermelon planter or something like that. Right? It seemed pretty easy. And then... Okay, slower is what the deal is. Alright, so and then perhaps... It's going to be a long special. Perhaps maybe be a science teacher at an Amish school. Something like that. That seems... That seems like a pretty low workload. I have a friend who does that. She's a life coach. I'm not even sure how that's a job, but sounds pretty... Keep living! You're doing great! I mean, I don't know what she does, but it's pretty cool. Probably gets a whistle. Here's it. So, if you're going to have... I feel like if you're going to have a job, but you don't want to work very much, I think the best job to have is to be a professional drag racer. And you're probably not familiar with drag racing because a lot of you seem like readers, but let me tell you about it. They... It is incredible. They race down a quarter mile track over 300 miles an hour. The races are over in like four seconds. It's amazing. It really is. It's even more amazing when you realize that driver only had to work like 15, 20 seconds a weekend. That's pretty good. Right? It's like two minutes for the whole year. I can do that. I could probably fit that into my schedule right now. And you also don't have to be in shape. That's the other great part about this. Because they go down the track to get out of the car to interview them, completely exhausted in that short amount of time. They're not working out a whole lot if that's the case. They're always like, hey, that was some race out there. Yeah. Woo. Oh, man. Let me just catch my breath. Oh, I've just been sitting in my car for 10 seconds. Hang on. Just... I'm kidding. They don't know how to count. But if they did, they would try that and just make it look like... I don't know. Some people are like, that's not how you even take your pulse. I don't even know. Just mime work. And I'm not a professional mime. But I took a class at University of Phoenix. So I feel like I'm pretty qualified. Online mime class. You're putting that joke together. If you're not, it's the same joke. Maybe you're offended by that because you're really into mimes. I apologize. A couple years ago, I don't know if you remember this. Famous mime. I don't know how many famous mimes you know. But probably just the one. But he... Marcel Marceau. Famous mime passed away. Yeah. Take it down, everybody. And so he was older. So it was natural mime causes. And so he... Anyway, they had a funeral. And I remember thinking to myself, a mime funeral? That actually sounds pretty interesting. Everybody sitting around doing this. Right. Well, he's up there stuck in the box again. You know, like the old days. Just like the old days. Good. With the pallbearers bringing him down the aisle. Alright, good. Let's just sit in this for a bit. And just the uncomfortableness of it. Perfect. That joke is so rocket chips. No, it still doesn't really work. Maybe ten more times. I'll get it. Anyway, so I lived in Denver, as I said. And I'm a single guy. I'm actually totally happy being single. But my married friends are pissed about it. They're so mad. You should date someone. Give up your hopes and dreams. And I... No, I'm sure that's not what they say. But that's pretty much what I hear. That's what I hear in my head. They're always trying to get me. And if you are single for any amount of time, they will start to push, like, have you tried the online dating? Like, I've never heard of it. Is this like a new thing? Yeah, I mean, I've heard of it. Yeah, I'm familiar with it. I don't know when the first time you heard of it, online dating, years ago, ten, fifteen, whatever it was, it sounded easy. Like, the first time, like, that sounds simple. Because I've done online shopping. Uh... It turns out it's not the same thing. Um... I figure I'm going to go on. I'm going to click on a couple girls. Go to the checkout basket. And then... Right? Assuming I had enough. I could save on shipping. But it is way... Oh... Oh, I just can feel it from you guys. It's great. It's really fun. We'll do a group hug later. It'll be fine. I mean, I won't be a part of it, but you can. And I just... I don't like touching people, but... Here's... So, a lot of you probably got married a long ago, or whatever. And you may not know about how the online dating goes. Here's... Let me give you a snapshot of what it's like, generally. It is... First, you have to build a profile. So, it's way more work than you think it's going to be. It's like an online class. Uh... An online creative writing class. And it is... A lot of fiction. And so you, um... Yeah. You gotta create... First, you gotta come up with some sort of catchy headline. Almost every female writes similar things. They write, uh... Love to laugh. They want to let you know they like to laugh. Which is great. That is great. I just don't know anyone who doesn't love... I mean, who do you know that doesn't love laughing? They're like... Oh, I'm not into laughing, guys. Come on. That is... Ugh. Makes me happy on the inside. So... You guys go on ahead. I do like to sneeze, though. So, if you go into a sneezing club, let me know. I just... So, okay. They love to laugh. Great. I'm like, great. I like laughing. I also enjoy breathing. We got a lot in common. You know, isn't that... There's a connection here. Occasionally blinking. We've got something to work with. You see? And then they read through this person they're looking for. A lot of times... And then, suddenly, they say, uh... No egos, guys. Looking for a guy with no ego. Like, yeah. It's online dating. There's no ego at this point. Um... You're in luck. I did not start here, so... I think about all those old photos I've seen of some guy out in the middle of nowhere. Like a pioneer of some sort who's got a wife out by himself. I live in a city of about a million people, and I can't find someone to hang out with for the weekend. I'm not coming in all cocky, is what I'm saying. So, maybe... Ease up on the ego talk. Then we got the pictures, which, of course, are all over the place. I've seen this... Not even of people. I've seen pictures of, like, living rooms. I'm not even sure what my reaction is supposed to be. Yeah, I can see myself sitting on that couch. That looks like a pretty good couch. A good basis for a relationship is the picture of your... A lot of pictures of pets. Again, I'm looking at a picture of your dog, going, yeah, I can see myself petting that dog. That seems like a good dog to pet. Let's start there. A lot of times, I see this one photo. It's a group photo. I don't even know which girl I'm supposed to be looking at. Never your first choice. I'll tell you that right now. No. Not even your second or third. Time you figured out that one. Oh, I thought that was a rescue friend. I didn't even know she was part of this. Aww. Sad. You guys feel worse about people in jokes that you've never even... You'll never know than I do about people I care deeply about. This is amazing. That sort of kindness that you have for fabricated people in a made-up joke. Incredible. All right. So then there's one picture we know. There's one photo. It's tight in on the face. It's cropped really tight. I know face is part of the process, but give me a clue what's outside the crop marks that you don't want me to see. Is it a fin? Is that what's going on? And you think I'm never gonna see... Are you gonna be behind a door our entire lives just right behind a little cutout? Give me a clue. This is my analogy. Not a good one, but let's say let's say you're gonna buy a car. You see this great description of the car. All right, that sounds great. And there's a picture. One picture. It's tight in on the front tire. That's it. Really cropped close. Like, okay, it's probably not exactly as you've described it. And so you show up and look and go, wow, that trunk is way bigger than I thought it was gonna be. I thought... Right? Maybe the headlights would match, but I guess whatever. All right, we got through that, everybody. We're fine with that. I do a lot of, like most comedians do a lot of traveling. We all talk about that. I was up in Wisconsin not long ago. I'm not here to brag, but yeah. It's exactly right. And so people get super excited about that and I was up there to see my uncle who lives on a dairy farm in Wisconsin. I don't know how he gets away with it, but some sort of zoning snafu. And he I get that this is actually true. It's gonna be kind of sad, but I got there and he's all bummed out because his dog had just got ran over by the milk truck. And so that I know. So exactly. Some of you felt bad and some of you laughed. Because you're similar to me. Because it sounds like a joke. I mean I didn't find that out. It wasn't until later, but at the time, I thought it was a joke because it has the rhythm of a joke. Dog got ran over by the milk truck. Or like a song you might sing during the holidays or something, but so I just went with it. I'm like, that's a good one. I didn't really get it, but I'm like, that's funny. I mean, what are the chances of that happening? Like 2%? And I didn't, you know what? I know now. I know. He was not pleased. He was not pleased. Turns out that's not not cool. He was very upset by that, but we we worked it out. We had a great time. We went over to the farmer's tanning booth. Had a blast. And we just stuck in our arms for a little while. It was great. It's for my FFA people. And so if you're wearing blue corduroy tonight. Blue corduroy. It's so rocket chips. I just love it. It goes with everything. So it's coming back from Wisconsin. My Jeep went over 100,000 miles. Original oil. Just trying to keep it stock. You know, just better resale value. Back in Colorado, which as I mentioned, I love it there. And as my friends give me lots of suggestions about things that I don't necessarily need to hear, but they like to give them to me anyway. Because I'm single and they're like, maybe here's the deal. Maybe you should start losing a little weight. Maybe get in better shape. And I don't want to obviously. I don't know why that's an obviously, but I don't. I like to keep the extra 15, 20, maybe 25 pounds on me so I seem approachable. I don't want to be all ripped and intimidating. And so that's no fun. And I'm sure. And so but they give me suggestions. They're always giving me suggestions. CrossFit or P90 times. That sounds like a lot. Honestly, folks. I could not. Right? I could not drink enough liquids to make to P90 times. I feel like that's, there's no way. That would be all I do all day is I mean, I guess that's why they're so sore, but I don't, I mean that is that's just intense. On a related note, and I'm sorry to put you through this, but I'm going to talk about it anyway. So here's yeah, so I had a pretty big birthday recently and well, actually it was a year ago, but last week was the anniversary of it. Anyway, that's confusing. And so we started a thing. But I got some great gifts. Got a nice DVD rewinder. It's pretty cool. And huge time saver. And I finally, like 10 years too late, finally got the Wii. Well, not the Wii. I got the knockoff. It's an Us is what it is, but it's very similar. A lot of the same features. Play a lot of Sitar Hero on that and just having a great time. And so yeah. Mario Sisters. There's a bunch of games and I don't have all of them. And if you're thinking to yourself, these are really dumb jokes. Yes, but there's a lot of them. And so that's I think important to remember is just the quantity. So anyway, so I have reached an age in my life where I started to pay attention to commercials a lot more than I used to. And what I keep hearing about is a weak stream. And so yes, that is a time to get very quiet and serious because to this point in my life, if I may be honest with you, I've never thought to myself, I wonder if I pee hard enough. That's never even occurred to me once. Never has that. And if it has, I probably just thought, I should move closer. I don't even know. Right? Isn't that just going to solve the whole problem? Worst case scenario, I sit down. How is this even a medical issue? This seems more like gravity. All right, so okay. And now I'm alerted to this problem, but I don't know how to test it because they don't mention that in the commercials. They just throw it out there and they're like, I don't know if I do. So I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Am I supposed to get my friends together and guys watch? Come on. Just be honest. Does it seem like I'm peeing at the normal rate? I mean, just be honest. I really I know I can go to the doctor. I'm not that stupid, but I've never seen a test at the doctor's office that looks like it's not going to be a row of ducks along the back row, I assume. Right? Some sort of clown mouth with a balloon behind it. You got to try to fill it up in a certain amount of time. Perhaps it's an eye chart kind of thing where you got to stand back a little ways and go, okay, can you hit that first line there? Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah. What about that top one? Yeah. You're doing great. You really are. You don't have to put your hand over your eye, but you're doing fantastic. But you are supposed to start taking care of yourself. That's what people say. I've done pretty much everything except diet and exercise, and I think at this point what more can I do? I've tried different diet stuff that they've tried to throw at me. I tried the caveman diet, right? Eat what the caveman ate. So I had Fruity Pebbles every day for like a week. I didn't see the results to be honest, and had some Cocoa Pebbles here and there just to switch it up. Get that muscle confusion going. And so, but then exercise, no, I don't really do that. And we've covered that already because I'm lazy. And so really the only exercise I probably get at this point is that sort of half run, half walk thing you do when you're across the street in front of a car. You know that move? It's about the only time I get my heart rate up the level it should be. It's about halfway across the street and I realize, wow, that car's coming fast. I don't want to get hit, you know. But I also don't want to run. And so, yeah, it's a tough spot to be in. It is life or exercise. And pretty much all of us do the same thing. We just give that little not running, no, a pretend run to let the guy know, look, I'm trying. I mean, I'm trying pretty hard. I've got some motions going. Speed's clearly not there, but I have the motions as if I'm running. Now, if I'm driving along and I see someone do that in front of me, I know exactly what's going on. I know this game. I play along, you know. I lean forward like I hit the brakes, but I don't slow down. So same sort of thing. Alright, thank you very much. You guys have been terrific. Thank you so much. Thank you. No, no. Thank you.