How to Know You're Securely Attached in Dating | Sabrina Zohar

What is secure attachment and how can you actually identify that? So we talked about anxious attachment, we talked about everything else in the lesson, but let's talk about secure. Let's talk about what that really looks like. So I think we're still in the foster world, as if secure attachment means that like, best person never gets angry, they never get triggered, they can just handle everything perfectly. And it's like, no, no, what it's not, it's not people that avoid, it's not people that deflect, it's not people that don't take accountability and ownership. It's not somebody that just skips through life and everything is amusing. It's truly somebody that understands how to emotionally regulate. It's truly somebody that understands what emotional availability actually is. It's somebody that, it's not that there's no drama and that there's nothing, it's that they understand how to communicate and talk to people effectively and that not everything is fears and fears driving the car. They also understand how to be in the present moment. Now, when we think of a secure attachment, it doesn't mean that you have two perfect parents, but what it is, is that you had two parents that taught you how to give and receive love. They taught you that love is safe, that you don't, it's not conditional, it's not, it doesn't have to be earned, you're not gonna get punished if you do something wrong. You're not gonna lose it just by doing something that's inhuman. And I think there's also something to be said about, there's something called earned secure. And earned secure is when you do the work, when you show up for yourself, and when you go from somebody super super anxious, hello, and you move into a more secure state, that's because you are starting to show up for yourself. You're starting to set boundaries. You understand the power of saying no. You understand the importance of taking a breath and pausing before you react and wanting to respond. And so, I think we're all looking for this unicorn, this golden fairy that just exists, this secure person. And I've only ever met one person, a good friend of mine from New York. And I remember, I'll never forget, she had this big exam, and she came to me saying, man, I felt anxiety for the first time. How do you live with that? And I was like, well, **** yourself. But she came, she didn't come from a perfect family, but she came from a family that really loved each other, that really showed up for themselves. And, like, she, it's not that she didn't have relationship issues, it's not that she didn't have ---- that she was dealing with, it's that when somebody didn't want to date her, she didn't automatically assume there's something wrong with me. She understood, you know, it's just not a match for me. I'm not gonna force somebody to choose me. Because she had people and caregivers in her childhood, lucky her, that taught her that it wasn't anything about her that would cause people to leave. So she had core beliefs that were really beautifully built for her, that she is worthy and deserving, that she is loved, that she has people that she can trust. And like I said, not everybody has that. But what we really want to look for when you're starting, when you're looking to date somebody secure, isn't that they ******* read your mind, or that they just always know what's right. What we really want to look for is, how does this person show up when things, when they start to get triggered? So, of course, right, when things are great, and you're going on to the nice dates, and you're going away, and you're having all these things, like, it sounds like a honeymoon, it sounds like a fairy tale, it sounds like a fantasy, when somebody's not triggered, it's easier to show up in different ways. Versus, when you have the real conversations, like somebody's secure, when you talk to them on a first date of, like, They're not going to come and be like, my ex is a ******* psycho, what a dumb bitch. No, they're going to probably take ownership and be like, yeah, hey, here's what happened. Like, here's my part, here's their part, I learned a ton, and here's how I'm moving forward with it. They understand that, like I said, love to be given and received is really a beautiful thing. So they're not shying away from hard conversations. They're not shutting down when you bring something to them. They're not deflecting when you say, hey, this really bothered me. They might stop and go, okay, could you tell me more? I want to get curious. I want to understand your experience as well, it's not just mine. And so, what we're looking for when we're looking for someone secure, again, isn't therapized, isn't this perfect version of what all of us hope to become. It's somebody that understands their emotions. Like, what is emotional availability, actually, when somebody's secure? Because when we think of the insecure attachments, and we think of whether it be of anxious or avoidance, like somebody emotionally unavailable, whether it be the avoidant person is, they don't want to talk about anything, they shut down, they stonewall, they don't want to have these tough conversations, or they just deflect and they talk about other things and they push the conversations. Somebody emotionally unavailable, it would be anxious person, might love them, might come on really strong because they're not actually in touch with themselves. They don't genuinely understand where these things are coming from. They might ******* go bananas, the protest behavior, right? But when you're emotionally available, when you're secure within yourself, that doesn't mean that you think that you're God's gift. Well, what that does mean is that you know, I am worthy and deserving of love. I know how to give and receive. I know how to show up for my partner. I can hold space for them. They don't automatically assume that everything is a tack on them, that not everything is a personal ******* issue. And so if you're really looking for someone secure, well then really what we also have to look at is how are you also showing up? Because in order to receive somebody secure, it doesn't mean that you have to be perfect, it doesn't mean that you need to be 100% healed, it doesn't mean any of that. But what it does mean is that do you think you're worthy and deserving of somebody that you don't have to perform for? That when they see you, they just accept you for who you are and they don't try to change who you are? Because if your answer is, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like then what are we doing dating people that prove the contrary? What are we doing dating people that show you that you have to earn love or that there's something wrong with you or that you're too much or they can't handle your needs? How many times I hear people saying, I'm just too needy. And it's like, is it that you're too needy? Because there's a reality of like, is it that you don't know how to satisfy your own needs? And it's an endless pit. Or are you dating somebody that doesn't have the capacity to show up for your needs? Are you dating somebody that doesn't have the capacity to hold space for your needs? So what do secure people do that's different? They're not just, again, they're not unicorns. But what they do is they effectively communicate, hey, can I share something with you? This really bothered me and I'd love to just talk about it. They're not going to stonewall you for three days and while you're sitting there being like, are you mad at me? They're going to be honest with you. They're not going to play the games. They're going to just be up front and like, hey, I'd love to see you again. Do you want to grab a drink? No? Okay, thanks so much. They're not going to sit there and chase you. They're not going to do the push-pull. They're not going to play this hot and cold on and off game. Secure people choose people and choose them. Secure people don't try to force a circle in a square peg by begging somebody to choose them because they know their worth. Secure people are going to respond back in a timely manner because they got your text. Maybe not in that exact moment, but they'll let you know. A secure person's going to be like, hey, super swamped today. I'll get back to you later. Hope you're having a good one. Because they're going to communicate with you and they're not going to make you read their minds. And a secure person isn't going to be expecting that you read their mind and playing these games to where you have no ******* understanding of what's going on and trying to beg for clarity. This person's going to have no problem having conversations with you because they also want clarity. They also know how to show up. And if your responses are, well, I never meet these types of people, it's like, well, then where are you interjecting yourself in? And how much of an opportunity are you giving to people? I actually have met quite a few more secure people in my day than I thought. And you know what the issue is? They're the people that people overlook. They're the ones that are like, I'm not this gorgeous male Adonis or this ******* Brazilian model. They're like, I'm just a regular person. And on the apps, a lot of those people, I want this perfection. I want this unrealistic expectation. I want the 1% of men that every girl is going after or the one woman that every guy wants and not really understanding that there's a lot more to somebody that makes them than just their job or their height or the looks that you see on a dating app. And so you might be dating people that aren't your type, and it's like, this isn't about being bored. This is about somebody that, you know, somebody secure, like I hear this all the time, of like, well, they're just really nice, but I don't feel it. I don't need you to date somebody at a charity. I don't need you to just date somebody nice because they're nice. You can still be interested in somebody who's secure. It might just feel a little uncomfortable. You're like, oh, weird. You're just honest with me. You're not trying to like play this bullshit. You're not running away. You're just like, you asked me on a second date, a third date, a fourth date. You're open about your feelings. When I talk to you about things, you create a safe space for me to express myself. You're not judging me. I can be vulnerable around you, and you can be vulnerable back because you understand that that's how we build connection. That's what we're looking for in a safe partner. And so that's what I'm saying. And it doesn't mean a safe, insecure partner. Like my partner, when I met him, he was definitely more avoidant leaning. That is his tendency. But he has earned ******* secure. He has earned that place. And it's the same with me. My baseline might be to go more anxious, but I earn my security because I don't second guess my relationship. I'm not constantly looking for reasons it's going to end. I don't ******* catastrophize and think that just because my boyfriend didn't say something to me this morning means that he wants to end it because, again, that's jumping. Those are core beliefs that are coming out. And so if I'm coming from an insecure place, then it's going to be hard to build a secure connection. And so this is just food for thought. Again, this isn't about shaming or blaming anyone. It's not about like, oh, I'll never be there. It's like, how do you validate yourself? How do you speak to yourself? What kind of compassion do you hold for you and for other people? Do you have unrealistic expectations for you and other people that you're encountering? How can you start to show up for you? Because when you can start to show up for you, then it's going to be a little bit easier to start to receive people that are also trying to show up for you. And so, again, I'm not asking you to go out and look for this fake version of what we think a secure person is. What I'm asking you to do is to go out there with a mind a little bit more open. I'm asking you to start to ask the hard questions, to start to see if this person is somebody that you feel safe with, that you feel confident with, that you feel secure around, and not just hoping that they're going to choose you, but also are you choosing them? Because that's also part of what makes you secure, is that you're not just waiting for other people to look at you or to choose you. And same with the avoidance, right? You're not just running away, constantly being like, this is overwhelming. You understand that your body is a safe place to be and that you're no longer a child anymore and that those maladaptive coping mechanisms aren't ******* serving you. Guys, if you want more, check out the podcast. It's called The Sabrina Zohar Show. It's right here on YouTube. And we have more shorts. We've got tons of ----. Subscribe, follow, comment. Let me know if you have more questions. If you want more understanding about secure, whatever you guys need, feel free to ask questions below of video ideas. I am here to support and help. We have courses, whatever you guys need at SabrinaZohar.com. And babies, until next time.