Your Doctor Is A Hypocrite. Scott Long - Full Special

Doctors don't like when you turn it around on them. Oh gosh, well people are curious. You're a comedian, what do you do with your free time? Here's what I did today. I put on a red polo shirt, pair of khaki pants, I went down to Target and I messed with people. That's fun. Oh, and the first thing you discover, women love Target. So much, you have your own special name for it. What do you call it ladies? Target. You walk in there, hello Target. You don't go to JCPenWall. No. Target is more special. Target is so special, you don't even see a mom yelling at her child there. It's sacred grounds. Not the case at Walmart. Different story at Walmart, it's more exciting there. You're liable to see somebody beating the crap out of their child in every aisle. If you don't believe me, perk up your ears next time. Here's what you'll get. You little deadbeat, if your daddy wasn't such a loser, next he makes money, we'd be shopping at Target. And I don't want to start sounding like I'm an elitist. I shop at a mall. Everybody's got a store they make fun of. People at Macy's make fun of the people at Target. The Target people make fun of the people at Walmart. The people at Walmart make fun of the people at the dollar store. And that's where it ends. Right? Because the people at the dollar store are like, we got no place to make fun of. Hey, let's go to Goodwill. Our stuff's new. Right? We are such consumers, this country. Yeah, and I'm part of it. A friend of mine is a minimalist. Do you know what this is? What his deal was, he's like, I'm going to go a whole year with only buying essential products. I'm like, that doesn't sound hard. So one night at midnight, I start to be on the thing. By 1230, I had bought a ShamWow, a Snuggie and a 15-gallon drum of Flex Seal. They can put a car together with that, Flex Seal. You ever watch one of these comedy specials and you wonder, did that person lose a bunch of weight beforehand? I did. I lost 15 pounds before this special. Don't clap, because I'm not happy about it. I don't want to lose 15 pounds. Yeah, but I'm doing a lot of stuff now. Like I'm taking photos with everybody because I want to be known as the guy that looked like this. Right? I wouldn't have gotten my doctor's appointments next week because last year he was very judgmental. He's like, you're getting too heavy. I'm like, you're fat. Doctors don't like when you turn it around on them. He's like, I'm the doctor here. He's like, if you want to lose weight, you should probably, you know, pick a celebrity, Scott. And then you could like do their diet. So I went on the Bill Clinton diet. There's something about that one. Every day is a potential cheat day. I don't know if you know that. I don't like that one. You can insert Donald Trump. It really works for everybody. That's where we're at now. Sorry. So I don't know. And then he tells me this, he's like, well, how's your career going, Scott? I'm like, it's going well. He's like, oh really? I'm like, yeah, I had a new CD. It's been selling well. It was on iTunes. He's like, I'd like a copy of that. I'm like, glad to get you one. There is a $25 copay with that CD. That was the greatest day ever to be a comedian. Then he gets back on the diet thing. And he's like, well, you know, you don't want to see it as a diet. You need to think of it as a lifestyle. Have you heard that? I'm like, I don't really, here's the story. A diet means that you're eating stuff that won't make you heavy, like celery or kale. My brain thinks a lifestyle is cheeseburger and donuts. So I will tell you, I will eat kale. If you bread it, deep fry it, and serve it with a side of ranch. That's an American meal. So it's kind of interesting. Is anyone on the paleo diet? Someone doing that one, right? That's good, right? Yeah. Do you think early man would have stayed on that diet if he had any choices? There wasn't a stuffed crust pizza and Oreos around the corner. I just, and then my doctor was like, you need to drink eight glasses of water a day. Has anyone drank eight glasses of water? That's, I guess, same guy. You should be more fit than you are, actually. I mean, you're pretty fit, but I mean, come on. Paleo, water? Did you start yesterday? Is that what happened? Yeah, it's ugly. Wanted to look good for your special, Scott. Don't worry, I've been looking at this guy. I can't tell if he's having a good time, right? I mean, he's been laughing the whole time, but his arms are very crossed. So is you too, sir. Maybe you got tender nipples. I don't know what's happening. Don't judge them. It's kind of a dry and chafing season. Here's what I think about water, okay? Like if something's delicious, it's buttery or it's chocolatey or it's bacon-y, it's not watery. My grandfather drank two beverages his whole life, Schlitz and Mountain Dew. Lived till he was 87 years old. I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life. But then he was like, I'm asking him about acid reflux because I'm like having that. And he's like, well, what you need to do on that is, is you need to quit drinking any coffee, any tea, any pop and no alcoholic beverages. And in that moment, I had a light bulb decision. I'm like, those restrictions, I need to record my comedy special in Provo, Utah. All right? Pressure, especially from the paleo water drinker over there. And they say, well, you need to eat like, you know, how you ate when you grew up. We ate up, no, I grew up in the 70s. That was the most unhealthy time. Every other meal my mom made was a casserole. And I will tell you, there was only two vegetables I can ever remember my mom serving, corn and potatoes. Once a year, we'd get broccoli because we had like too much Velveeta cheese we needed to get rid of. Right? People eat way more healthy now, at least than I did. There was like seven fruits. Now there's like 150 fruits when you go to the grocery. There were seven. And two of them that I mostly ate were peaches and pears and heavy syrup out of a can. Healthier. I mean, the weekends were worse for me. I remember every morning, I remember for on the weekend, I would eat Captain Crunch for breakfast. Lunch, I'd have pizza rolls. And dinner, my mom would serve a steaming hot pot pie. In 1978, I don't believe I ever had any skin on the roof of my mouth. None. Zero. My poor mom. She had me when she turned 18 years old. The good part was she was always kind of the cool, fun mom. The negative was she was always poor, could not cook worth a crap. Terrible cook, she was 18. 23, I'm going to school for the first time. And she's like, so how was your first day at school? I'm like, I don't remember much about school, but that school lunch is awesome. Those chicks with a hairnet, they know what they're doing. Get this, they put hamburger in the hamburger helper. She's like, well, it doesn't come in the box. I've never seen it. Check those directions. Too stormy. So the doctors are judgmental. The dentists are even more judgmental. You spend so much money when you go to these places and then they just lecture you. And I'm like, when do you most put the most effort into cleaning your teeth? Right before you go to the dentist. Why do you do that? I got tired of my dentist lecturing me. So the last time I went there, I sat in the parking lot right before I got there, ate a whole ear of corn, just walked in there. They don't charge you extra. I don't recommend doing that when you go to the proctologist. That's the difference. Don't do that. That's not fair. Do we have a lot of proctologists here? I'm sorry. Good group. All right. Yeah, so here I am. I've done comedy for a long time, but I have been with my wife now for over 30 years. This like last month, 30. Yeah, use your clap. For comedians with their wives. It just is unheard of. And a lot of times, you know, people think, oh, I bet a lot of women find you attractive because women like comedy. Yeah, they say that, but they're always rock and roll stars are the ones they're attracted to. Because rock and roll singers are going to make like beautiful love songs for their ladies. You know, like your body is a wonderland. I'm not going to write that. I'm a comedian. I would write your body's like wonder bread, you know. It's not as romantic. So yeah, so this is it. You know, this is what I do. And I mean, it's really hard when I, you know, do comedy and I talk about my wife because I'm just going to tell you right now, it's nearly impossible to write like a very nice joke about your spouse, if you're female or male. Now here's a problem that's happened to me. I don't know if it's a problem, but you know, I get into my forties and I all of a sudden had to get reading glasses. And often if you don't need reading glasses when you're in your forties, you have to get them. And I think that was God's way of keeping people in their relationships. Because now we've got like Lasik surgery. I'm not letting my wife get Lasik surgery. I'm not letting her come home with 20-20 vision, look at me and go, what happened here? I don't need that. Probably at this point, you're like, why is this guy not more famous? I ask the same thing a lot. Okay, here's a hypothesis, okay? So I have done comedy for coming up on 27 years. I've performed at pretty much every major comedy club in the country, 46 states, five countries. I've even written for television, but I never moved from flyover country, like they call it. I didn't want to move, it's not me. But you got to move to Los Angeles or New York if you want to become famous. My opening act moved to New York and he hit it big. And he was like, Scott, you need to move to New York. I'm like, ah, it's not my scene, man. He's like, New York City is the city that never sleeps. I'm like, I just turned 50, I love sleep. We got our own cities that never sleep where I live too. I mean, it's because of meth, but it happens. Sometimes things are ugly truths. So my friend from Los Angeles overhears this, he's like, brah, you need to move to LA, brah. I'm like, I don't even like the traffic on I-80. 72 degrees for every day, brah. Now, do you ever have a friend who moves somewhere warm and now they feel it's their duty to share that with you? Yeah. I told him, I'm like, listen, brah, I don't know if you're aware, but every time CNN ever has a canyon fire or a mudslide or an earthquake, I'm always dreaming it's your house. That's a passive aggressive Midwest rage. That's all I got for me. I know. So I had my big moment. I'm in Los Angeles. Well, I get the meeting and it was with the manager. This is about 15 years ago. He liked a script that I had written and it's like the biggest manager. He was like managing all the big comedians at the time. So I have a month to prepare. So just like this one, but I mean, I worked so hard. I lost weight. I got ripped. I'm like, best shape of my life. I'm having this meeting. Halfway through the meeting, he says to me, he's like, you know what I like about you, Scott? I'm like, all right. I'm like some of these other guys that are in such good shape. You look like a normal guy. At that moment, I realized I am morbidly obese in Los Angeles. Where I live, I'm Midwest anorexic, way less pressure. Now people will say sometimes, they're like, well, you know, Scott, you talk a lot about food. You talk about family. Why are you not as popular as Jim Gaffigan? And I'm like, I'm not as good as Jim Gaffigan, but I figure I'm half as good as Jim Gaffigan, but I don't have half the success of him. And then I read one day, and you can look it up. This is true. He even said his wife writes half of his material. It is my wife's fault that I am not more successful. If this woman would quit spending so much time being a good person and put more effort into my career. I know. I don't come off like I'm bitter. I'm not. I have a job I love. I make good money doing it. I travel to exotic locations. One negative though, no health insurance with this job. I'm a private contractor, but my wife had a good job with great health insurance till a couple of years ago. She comes home. She's like, remember how I told you I don't like my boss? I'm like, yeah. Well, I quit my job today. I'm like, oh my Lord, what are we gonna do for health insurance? She's like, glad to bring it up. I think you should quit. I'm like, shh, stop right there. I will do what is right for this family. So I left the room. I showered, I shaved, I put on a nice suit, and I went out to look for a new wife, and you cannot stop me from... She likes that joke. It's okay. Yeah. So my wife and I met when we were in college. And from that point on, we were both involved in our careers. So we didn't try to have kids until we were in our like 30s, our early 30s. And we had problems. We had miscarriages. It was very tough on our relationship. We both wanted to be parents. And so finally, we were so desperate that we had one last choice because we couldn't afford to adopt. It wasn't working. So we tried in vitro fertilization. And if you're not aware, my job's pretty easy in the process. So I felt confident. And from this amazing science came the love of my life, my beautiful daughter, Maddie. And she was so sweet. We were just like over the moon because we had tried for five years to have this girl. Well, as the months go by, she's not reaching her milestones. But this is our first child. We're not really following. But by 15 months, she's not walking, talking, or even crawling. So we're like, we're nervous. So we have test after test. And at some point year two, she was diagnosed with autism. Now I'm not gonna pretend that that wasn't a punch in the gut because I had all these dreams and fantasies of what my daughter was going to achieve. And then I'm being told, well, Scott, there's a very good chance that she will not marry. Hold a full-time job. She will probably live with you the rest of her life. And I wish I could tell you I handled it well. I didn't. I was very selfish. I just wanted one child. My wife was like automatically right on it. I mope around for like a month. Fortunately, I had what you might call an epiphany. I'm like, you know what, Scott? These are not her dreams and fantasies. These are mine that you're placing on her. If you wanna step up and be a real man, you need to help her live her dreams and fantasies. So the guy that only wanted one child told his wife, well, you know what, babe? We need to have another child in case something happens to Maddie. Well, better yet, something happens to us so we can take care, they can take care of Maddie. So I went back to the clinic and this time, the clinic a week later goes, hey, surprise, you're gonna have twins. That's not funny. Thank you for not laughing at my special. I was 40 years old with twins. That is way too old. Thank goodness my wife was 19 at the time. That's not true. That's a joke. She was 39 with twins and I'll tell you, I have always treated my wife like a trophy wife. I have ninth place. I need to work on that. I kind of lost the gender on that joke, didn't I? I deserve it, I know. And don't get me wrong, I love my twins. I actually call my twins the Cleveland Browns. Yeah, because they're good individually, but they suck as a team. My twins are nine years old now. Do you know how long that joke has worked? Nine years. No insult. How many people here tonight believe all babies are physically beautiful when they are born? Just wait for physical, a couple of you. Obviously you've not seen all babies. I've seen a couple of babies. I'm like, sweet mother of E.T., what's happening here? Get this kid some Reese's Pieces, he's starving. Don't think I'm being cruel, I'm not. I'm no hypocrite. I'll bring it back to my own home. Both my daughters were gorgeous right from the moment they were born. My son was just not as lucky. He wasn't, he was hammy in the delivery room like, oh buddy, I love you. And I have dreamed of this day. Ooh, you got a good personality. You're gonna need a little brother. See, but babies get better looking as they get older, right? It did not happen quickly for my son. Six months in, I'm pushing him in the stroller. This nice lady comes up, she's like, can I see your baby? I'm like, yeah, knock yourself out. She's like, oh my goodness, look at the beautiful baby boy there. I'm like, well, I don't see it lady, but thank you. She's like, you don't see it, he looks just like you. Okay, you take that back right now. Now a great dad would never share that, but a good dad like me waited three years until my son became very handsome. And now I tell that joke. Oh gosh, I don't know. So this is, you know, this is what I do. It's kind of weird to be a parent and do this job, but you know, I'm just like a normal guy when I get home. And I was a cool guy. We got some young guys here tonight. Yeah, what kind of car do you drive, man? Or truck? Station wagon. Okay, can we do cut two on that one? Because that is not gonna help this joke. Did they plant you in here to wreck that joke? I don't know. Can you make sure we get a photo of this guy and not let him in to any other specials? The joke's ruiner. Let's go back to paleo water drinker. All right. What kind of vehicle do you drive? Minivan. Okay, this is just not right. Not right. My joke was good, but I don't think it can top those two. Okay, how old are you? 35, how old are you? 34. All right, well here, okay, maybe. Here's what I would say. I had a Jeep. Can't get three car seats in a Jeep. I was like you. I had to trade it in for a minivan, but it's a top of the line minivan. It's called the Honda Emasculator. Do you have one of those? Does it have this special feature when you get in that it gently grabs your man parts and put them in the glove compartment? Right? Because they're no use when you're the pilot of this dream killing machine. It's not a BMW, it's more like a BM. That's how I feel about it. Some people think the toughest guy in the road is a guy driving a Hummer. No, that guy can afford a Hummer. He can afford the gas that goes in the Hummer. He's living the dream. You know who you don't want to mess with? Dude driving a beat up minivan, right bro? We're just filled with rage and spite. We're liable to get out of any stops and break a juice box right over your head. The only time we ever feel better than anybody is when he drives by in the station wagon. That's the only time. You have to tour with me. This is the most screwed up comedy special ever. You've watched them on TV. They don't talk to people in the audience. This is wrecked. No, it's okay. Thank you. I think. So as I said, my twins are nine now. Nine's a good age. Do you remember nine? That's fun. Yeah. Nine-year-olds say crazy stuff. Eight-year-olds say even crazier stuff. My eight-year-old, last year, son said, dad, why are we not homeschooled like the kids down the street? Now, as a parent, you have to decide. Are you going to lie? Are you going to tell the truth? I'm about 50-50 on that one. Cause I'm trying to protect him. I'd like to tell the truth, but I didn't want to hurt. So I told him like, well, your mom and I thought, if you were homeschooled, maybe you wouldn't be as social. Maybe you'd be ostracized by the other kids. If I'd have told him the real truth, I'd have been like, dude, that bus comes at eight. That's mom and dad's salvation. We can't handle your stuff anymore. Those parents that homeschool their kids love their children way more than your mom and dad love you. If you're a homeschooling parent, my hat is tipped to you. I couldn't do it. So my eight-year-old daughter, couple summers ago, she had just turned eight. She says, dad, why isn't everything free in life? Isn't that beautiful? Right? And I started laughing. Just like as a reflex. And she's the sensitive one. She's like, don't laugh at me, daddy. That's a good question. I'm like, no, honey. That is so precious. I just think it's adorable that Bernie Sanders thinks like an eight-year-old girl. Feel the Bern. Millennials don't like that joke. A lot of comedians make fun of millennials. Not me. You got it tougher. Like older guys, our lives, older women, your lives, basically your whole lives. Here's what you had to do. Something was funny, you laughed. Not millennials. You got a whole different math. It's the millennial math. It's like, okay, was that racist? Was that sexist? Was that body shaming? A lot of stuff to consider. Here's the thing that I will share with you that I will make fun of millennials. The only time millennials make me crazy is when I watch HGTV. And you'll see a millennial couple. It happens once a week on there. And they're buying a house that I will never be able to afford. And it's always something like, yeah, my name is Topher and I'm 28. I make antique kites. And my wife makes vegan-friendly emojis. Last year we cleared almost $9,000. Our house budget is $950,000. We could go to a million if it helps our carbon footprint. It's like trust fund house hunters edition or something. I get frustrated when I see that, but otherwise. And a lot of comedians make fun of older people. I don't, because I do cruise ships too. This is like a super young audience for me. I don't want to say they're old on the cruise ships, but now when I watch The Walking Dead, I think it's a documentary about a cruise ship. That's a hard place to say thin. It is. I got a Fitbit the last time I got on there. I might as well called it fat butt. I mean, really. Because the only thing I learned from that Fitbit was I was 237 steps from the cabin to the nachos bar. We wear such like comfortable clothes. I mean, like since I lost 15 pounds, I mean, let's be truthful. I'm going to be, I don't know, for the next month just wearing skinny jeans and fishnet tank tops. It's a bad image, I know. But wearing this comfy clothes, like casual Friday, might as well just be casual every day. The only people dressed up are the guys that work at men's warehouse. Really, I mean, that seems to be the case. Women, like you wear yoga pants all over and that's fine, but I think there maybe should be a qualification that you've maybe once done yoga. Because some ladies are rocking yogurt pants. I know, white guy, can't make that joke. Misogynist. Okay, let me turn it around. Guys, see a lot of guys wearing these too tight T-shirts or like two sizes too tight. It says affliction across, which is a great name because I always feel afflicted when I watch them. These shirts should have more truth than advertising. It should say inspired by the UFC and on the back it should say body by KFC. Because I love chicken, I do. That was my attempt at trying to have a transition. It's like, did he just say he loves chicken? How many are like me? The only time you're hungry for Chick-fil-A is on Sunday. I don't know what that's about. I'm like, oh, I'm hungry and I pull up. I'm like, no line, ah! They should have a Chick-fil-A for heathens. Put it next to the place where the ladies dance for money. Call it Chicken Strips. I'm thinking. Put it next to casinos. Call it Winner Winner Chicken Dinner. I don't know, I'm thinking about these things. This is a good job. I like it, I do. I mean, not always, you know, but it's pretty good. And like you are younger, dad, you know, with your sons, you have to give the birds and the bees talk. You're not like 18. You were probably in your 40s. I'm gonna be in my 50s. What am I gonna say? How am I gonna relate? Well, oh gosh, you're gonna find a woman you're gonna wanna marry. And let me try to remember. I don't remember anything after that. Don't eat anything too spicy before the big moment. Don't want your acid reflux to number on you. No, I'm gonna tell him, pick a woman that not only do you have respect for, that should be number one, and that she respects you, but also she should have a beautiful face and a beautiful voice. You might think a body and all those things are important. No, they're not. But you have to know your mom, she fits that because you see her. Every morning I walk down and you see an angry face looking at your dad, but it's still beautiful. And then it starts yelling at your dad, but it's a beautiful voice, so I deal with it. I'm gonna tell my daughter, don't waste money on like expensive perfumes. Guys don't care about that. Rub your neck down in dryer sheets. Then you smell fresh and the guy subliminally thinks you might do his laundry. Okay, maybe that's why I probably won't talk to my daughter about this. People say you make jokes about your children, but I bet you can't imagine your life without it. Try me. Some days that's all I can hold on to. But overall, I mean, I can't tell you there's anything better ever than having kids. Now I will share with you also, maybe since we had to go through so much to get there too, but people wanna know when you have a child with a disability what that is like. And I would say you gotta be like three steps ahead. You gotta be like a chess champion. And sometimes with Maddie I am and sometimes I'm not. I remember Maddie was like seven and the twins were like three. That was the age difference. And I decide one day, I'm like, you know what? We should get the kids a dog. So I got the kids a dog. I named the dog Angus, which I thought was a great name for a black lab. And no problem, at the time Maddie wasn't speaking very many words. And then by the next year, she is doing great. She's added more and more letters, except one problem was the letter she couldn't pronounce was the G. And Angus without the G is not as good. So then we're like, oh my gosh, what are we gonna do? But you can't change the dog's name. He's had the dog name for a year. So we're like trying to write it out. No, this story gets progressively worse. Then one day we get a call from her teacher. So today, Mr. Long, we were discussing things we love to play with. That was the day I met child services. I don't have to make up anything. This is my life. True story. Here's another true story. So Maddie is 10 at this point and Maddie, beautiful blonde hair, blue eyed girls. She looked like she was like 14 at 10, but developmentally, she's more like she was five. That's just who she is, but she's making progress. She loves going shopping. So I was bringing her with me. And one day I go into one of these stores that I'm probably too old to shop in. And I bring her in the dress room because I never know what she's gonna do. And I'm trying on a t-shirt that said extra large, but fits like a smedium. And I'm like, honey, I don't know if this shirt fits. Daddy's gonna go out around the corner to the mirror and I'll be back in like 10 seconds. I'm not gone 10 seconds. All of a sudden out of my peripheral vision, I see a streaker come flying by. It's just Maddie wearing her underpants and her bra racing through the store. Now, I don't know if you're aware, but in the current climate that we live in, it's really frowned upon for a middle-aged guy to try to chase down a half-naked 10-year-old girl in public. I had to make a split-second decision. My decision wasn't just having a good time, let her wear herself out. I don't always make great decisions. This one was magical. If you're younger, you might not know this, but truthfully, there's maybe five, maybe if you've lived an amazing life, 10 moments in your life that you will always remember vividly. This was one of them. Because what happened was, is all these shoppers that were tired or stressed out or didn't like the throbbing techno music going on in the store started laughing, but they weren't laughing at my girl. They were laughing with her. They could feel her pure joy. Yeah, she is not someone who watches 24-hour news. She is not cynical. She's not on social media. She just pumps out joy. One person didn't get it. One person, Mr. Abercrombie and Fitch working behind the counter. He's like, oh, sir, can you do something about her? I'm like, what's your name there? Topher? Okay, Topher. First off, congratulations, you look like you're the homecoming king. Looks like life has turned out good for you. I don't know if you're aware, but my daughter's life, not quite so easy. So for the next minute or so, Topher, I want you to chill out because six-pack abs do not beat angry dad with an attitude. I hear another word, there's gonna be a beat down in this store. Now, I don't say that physical violence is a good idea, but in that moment, I finally stepped out of my selfish self and I became a great dad. I will share with you that in my life, I have never met anybody. I will even take it way more than that. I, if you name every person that's been an influential person in my life, they could not match all the things I've learned from my daughter, Maddie. And if you think I'm over-exaggerating, I'm not, because I've learned nothing from my twins. Nothing. Except maybe don't have twins, that's about it. So I used to be this comedian, like you would expect. A lot of times people are afraid when they go see a comedy show and they're like, oh, it's gonna be R-rated and all that stuff. I was one of those comedians. I was very successful. A lot of my fans didn't want to follow me when I took this journey where I started talking about my daughter and my home life and all these things, but I've never been a better comedian because of my daughter's influence in my life. And I will also share with you that now I do all these fundraisers and I raise a lot of money for special needs charities. I could never get that from a typical show. So I would just share with you tonight that I don't want to make this like a TED Talk or something like that, but it's one of the things, you just never know where your life is going to take you. And besides that, I don't want to be a bummer, but I want to say thank you very much. My name is Scott Long and have a great night. Local man robs Wendy's with alligator. We're the alligator boys now. In the bank, if they sent her to the bank, she'd be going, mom, mom, mom.