'Twas A Bible Accurate Christmas...

Hang on, there's something wrong with this scene. These shouldn't be here, nor these. Sprinkle in some of these, and there we are. Much better. I think. The Nativity is one of the best known stories of all time, but there are some weird parts to the original tale that often get overlooked. And there are a bunch of non-Christian elements, like gifts, trees and mistletoe, that were originally pagan customs. So, what was the first Christmas actually like, and where do we get all the unusual traditions? Gather round, grab a warm festive drink, and place a Yule log on the fire. It's time to explore the stranger side of Christmas. The Christmas story can be found in the New Testament, the Gospels to be exact. They are four semi-biographical accounts of the life of Jesus. The story of his miraculous birth, or Nativity, is only mentioned in two of them, Matthew and Luke. They roughly share the same sequence of events, but, as we shall see, there are some significant differences between them. Our festive tale begins roughly 2,000 years ago, in the Roman-occupied province of Judea. The puppet king Herod rules the throne. In the small town of Nazareth, a girl named Mary has just been told that she's pregnant. This is a surprise to her, especially as she's still a virgin. Perhaps more surprising is that she's being told this by an angel, the angel Gabriel, to be exact. When it comes to biblical history, the angel Gabriel is pretty new to the scene. Prior to this, he's only appeared once in the Bible, in the Old Testament book of Daniel. Here, he acts as an interpreter to the strange vision the prophet is experiencing. In fact, he's more popular outside the Bible, appearing in several apocryphal texts, one of which is the book of Enoch, an apocalyptic tale about a heavenly war against a group of fallen angels. Gabriel is one of God's lieutenants, along with fellow archangels Michael, Uriel, and Suriel. It seems that by the New Testament, Gabriel's fighting days are well and truly behind him. Nowadays, his job is to deliver news of unexpected pregnancies to startle teenagers. In Matthew's gospel, we get to hear Joseph's side of events. From his perspective, his betrothed wife has got herself mysteriously pregnant. Suspecting an affair, he secretly plans to divorce her. At the last minute, however, he's visited by an unnamed angel in a dream. It tells him that she hasn't in fact cheated on him, but instead has been selected to carry God's baby. The baby is to be called Jesus, an Aramaic name that literally means God saves. Back in Luke's gospel, the Roman governor has issued a census in order to count the population, and everyone is told to return to their ancestral home. Mary and Joseph must make the 80 mile journey from Nazareth to Bethlehem. The census of Quirinus was a real historical event, although it took place in the year 6 CE. That's 6 years after Jesus was supposed to have been born. Dating Jesus' birth becomes extra confusing when we find out that the real King Herod died 10 years earlier, in the year 4 BCE. Historically speaking, the Roman census and the reign of King Herod did not overlap. Contrary to what it says in the Bible, this leaves us with an awkward question. When was Jesus actually born? Many biblical scholars believe that Luke's gospel probably got the dates confused, and so discreetly moved Jesus' birthdate to 4 BCE, to coincide with the reign of King Herod. After an arduous trek, Mary and Joseph finally arrive in Bethlehem, but they need a place to stay. You'll be familiar with this next bit, they are told to lodge in a stable, because there was, quote, no room in the inn. This however, is a mistranslation. Looking at the text's original language, Koine Greek, and the word inn is often translated for Cataluma. In reality, this word actually means guest room, as in a spare room in someone's house. This has led to the idea that the holy couple were probably staying at the home of a relative. Although lacking any sense of privacy, this is supported a bit later in the text, where their dwelling is described as an oikan, the Greek word for house. The whole idea that Jesus was born in a stable is a myth, it doesn't appear in the Bible. In fact, some of the earliest Christian thinkers believed that Jesus was born in a cave. Whichever it was, there may have still been animals present. In ancient Palestinian dwellings, it was customary to keep animals on the bottom floor of one's home. Which may explain the whole being born in a feeding trough thing. After the baby Jesus is born, a star suddenly manifests above Bethlehem. Although it's likely just a creative addition by the author, many have attempted to find a scientific explanation behind this unusual cosmic phenomenon. A popular theory is that the star of Bethlehem could have been a comet. Modern astronomers have calculated that Halley's comet could have been visible around this time, give or take a few years. And although comets travel at speeds of around 2,000 miles an hour, from the earth's surface, they appear to be standing still, eerily hovering about in the night's sky. Just like how the star of Bethlehem was said to have, quote, stood over the site of Jesus' birth. Noticing this star, or whatever it was, are three wise men from the east. Despite the popular song, these three are never referred to as kings. Instead, Matthew's gospel labels them as magi. Magi is a Persian word that was used to describe priests in the ancient Zoroastrian religion. It's where we get the word magic and magician from. The Greek historian Herodotus once described these magi as sorcerers, fluent in alchemy and esoteric knowledge. But above all, astronomy. Having followed this star, the three men finally arrive in Bethlehem. They bring with them gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Now, if you've ever wondered what myrrh is, it's an ointment used to embalm dead people. An ominous gift to be giving to a baby, if you ask me. The magi do not appear in Luke's gospel. Instead, visiting the baby Jesus are the shepherds. Whilst relaxing on the hills outside Bethlehem, they are dazzled by a blinding flash, an angel. The Bible is quick to point out that they are absolutely terrified by this sight. The being attempts to calm them down. Be not afraid, for today in the town of David, the saviour has been born unto you. With that, hundreds of other angels appear in the sky and begin to chant and sing. The shepherds promptly flee the scene in the desperate search of this miracle child. This event, known as the Annunciation to the Shepherds, has been depicted by artists throughout history, although using far less distressing imagery than I have. Eight days later, the baby is taken to a synagogue and is circumcised according to Believe it or not, a number of churches across medieval Europe have claimed to be in possession of the, um, by-product of this procedure. You see, according to Christian theology, when Jesus ascended into heaven, he left no physical trace on earth. Except, that is, for something that was removed during his early childhood. Throughout history, there has been a total of 18 enclavements of the Holy Prepuce, as it's known. This includes Charlemagne, who had received it as a gift from Empress Irene of Constantinople. The fact that so many people have come forward claiming ownership of this bizarre relic tells us one of two things. One, that there was either a lot of material that needed to be removed, or two, someone has been sold something that didn't originally belong to Jesus. To finish the nativity story, the Gospel of Matthew ends on a really dark note. Having heard of the so-called King of the Jews has been born in Bethlehem, King Herod has become paranoid that this infant will one day overthrow him. He does what any good king would do, and orders a mass slaughter of infant boys in Bethlehem. In later Christian tradition, these babies are regarded as the first martyrs, depicted here as cute cherubs. Fortunately, there is no historical evidence of such an event taking place, so many believe that it's simply a myth. The whole thing was pointless anyway, as the Holy Family had already fled to Egypt, having been warned by an angel. There they spent Jesus' childhood, in the shadow of the pyramids, only to return once Jesus had grown up into an adult. And with that, our Christmas story comes to an end. The modern Christmas story is a synthesis between these two Gospel accounts. We've seen how both roughly tell the same story, but there are some events that take place in one Gospel, and not in the other. As the Renaissance came around, certain stock images of Christmas became formalised, although as we've seen, some elements like the stable are not strictly accurate. In fact, so many non-biblical elements have been piled onto the Christmas story, and the holiday in general. Let's have a look at some of them, starting with the date, December 25th. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that Jesus was born on the 25th of December. In fact, the references to shepherds and sheep may suggest that the Nativity took place in the spring. It would be roughly three centuries later, in 350 CE, when the date was officially set. But why the middle of winter? Was it simply plucked at random? It's commonly thought that the first Christmas celebrations were timed to coincide with the Roman festival of Saturnalia. Dedicated to the god of agriculture, Saturnalia was the biggest event in the Roman calendar. It was basically one giant party. The streets of the capital were rowdy, with scenes of drinking, singing, gambling, and general merriment. It was also a time of gift-giving, particularly of small clay figurines known as sigillaria. Small works candles called sere would be lit, and wreaths would decorate villas. Saturnalia was a time of role reversal, the only time of the year when slaves could dine with their masters. After a lavish banquet of roast pork and cooked wine, guests would appoint a lord of misrule, whose job was to pull mischievous pranks on partygoers. Saturnalia was typically held between the 17th and the 23rd of December, and was followed by the Day of the Unconquered Sun, or Sol Invictus. This day took place on the 25th of December, and it marked the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Once Christianity was adopted as the official religion of the Roman Empire, Saturnalia waned in popularity, and was eventually replaced with Christmas. We don't know much about how these early Christmases were celebrated, by all accounts, Easter was the big one in the religious calendar. But as you can already see, many events of Saturnalia, like gift-giving, advent candles, and festive dinners, were able to survive the transition. As Christianity spread outside the borders of the Roman Empire, up into the pagan tribes of Northern Europe, indigenous folk practices soon became absorbed by Christmas. Germanic and Baltic people were known to decorate pine trees with nuts, berries, and small charms. The Celts believed that mistletoe had magical properties, and was used as a fertility symbol. Druids would hang mistletoe on doors to ward off witches and demons. As I'm sure you've already guessed by now, these ancient customs formed the basis of many beloved Christmas traditions. For most of its history, Christmas wasn't the big holiday it is now. It was most often celebrated in pubs and taverns, and an opportunity for drunken merriment and mayhem. Because of this, it's been banned a number of times. In 1647, Oliver Cromwell outlawed all Christmas festivities, believing that they encouraged immoral behaviour. Christmas cheer would not return to England until 1660, when the monarchy was eventually restored. Christmas also fell out of favour in America, where it was seen as too English of a custom. It was not until the 19th century when the holiday went through a revival. Authors like Charles Dickens sought to bring the heart back to Christmas, putting family-friendly values front and centre. Their books captured the imagination of their readers, and helped put Christmas back on the calendar, where it became the warm-hearted winter holiday that it is today. Christmas has had a strange 2000-something year journey to get here, with many twists and turns along the way. Wherever it is celebrated, it fuses with local customs and cuisines. In East Asian countries like Japan, it is customary to eat fried chicken instead of roast turkey. In countries in the Southern Hemisphere, like Australia, Christmas takes place in the middle of summer, and is often celebrated with a barbecue. Perhaps Christmas has become so popular because it's no longer strictly a religious holiday. Whilst many do observe its religious significance, many others, like me, just enjoy the chance to get together with family and friends. However you celebrate this period, or don't celebrate it at all, I wish you peace and happiness in whatever you get up to.