Little House on the Prairie S03E20 The Election

See, I didn't hurt him. Look, he's coming. Get him. Did you bring him? I brought two. Give me him, I'll scare him good. And get us sent home? Nah, you fret too much. Alright. Hey, Homer. Open your mouth and close your eyes and I'll give you something to make you wise. Oh, what an idiot. It's just a worm. That's what's awful. Worms ain't bad, they're good for your garden and fish like them. Good for you, hi Homer. You're a good guy, Homer. How about Steve? They're dirty mean. If I were you, I'd give them both black eyes. Oh, I ain't much for hurting anybody. It ain't Christian like. Oh, I'd do one to them. Well, they're my friends. They wouldn't do it if they weren't my friends. Old Homer, dumbest kid in Walnut Grove. Dumbest kid in the whole world. Can't even find his own elbow. Before we have our spelling lesson. This afternoon in history civics class we'll be holding nominations for class president. Yes, Kenneth. Girls don't get to vote, do they? Women can. Class, just a minute. Kenneth, the women have won the right to vote in Wyoming. So the girls will vote in our class election. And will win. There are more girls than boys. Enough talking. Let's get on with our spelling lesson. It ain't fair. A girl can't be president of the United States. She shouldn't be allowed to be president of the class. Never mind what's fair. We've got to figure out a way to beat the girls in the election. You don't even know who to nominate. I can guess. Look who's running for a pastor. Yeah, she's always grabbing for everything. There's still more of them than there are of us. Well, stop us good. I got an idea. Come on, we're going to need help. Hi there, darling. How's that? I need sour balls. Kate and Jenny are partial to sour balls. I want some sour balls, too. And some licorice sticks. Willie, we know that you're going to vote for your sister. Not if I don't get some sour balls. Oh, very well. And some licorice sticks. That's right. Willie! It's all right, Nils. He has my permission. And a mouthful of rotten teeth to go along with it. All right, children, go on back to school. Hurry up. You know what the dentist in Mankato said, and I paid dearly for the words. Nils, this is different. This is just good politics. What? Well, your daughter is going to be elected president of the school. Now I have to see the roast. When they have all theirs, just let them borrow your teeth. What did you say, Nils? Oh, I just said that, uh, that roast. I just bet that's a good piece of beef. We're going to hold our election just like the national election, the one that gave us Rutherford B. Hayes for our new president. And we start with nominations, and then the candidates will have two weeks to campaign, and then we'll have our election. I'm going to vote Democrat. Kenneth, there'll be no political party, only candidates. And the girls will win. No! You will speak only with permission or will have no election. All right, that's better. All right, the floor is now open for nominations. Uh, Mama, Mama. Nominate. Yeah, my sister wants to be president. All right. Does anyone second the motion? I second the nomination. Fine. Nellie. Miss Beadle? Yes, Nellie? I move that the nominations be closed. Uh, Nellie, we need more than one candidate for an election. Si. Do we have any other nominations? Yes, Jim. I nominate Mary Ingalls. Uh, does anyone second the motion? Steve. I second the nomination. Fine. Do we have any other nominations? I got one, Miss Beadle. Elmer Dobkins. Yeah, I second it. Good old Elmer for president. We need one boy to run against the girls. Why didn't you nominate me faster? I forgot. Anyways, you didn't give me enough gumdrops. That's okay. I can get more. Jim, thanks for nominating me. Oh, that's all right. It was just nice, you being a boy and all. Just trying to be fair. Well, thanks. See ya. See ya. Just trying to be fair. That's a good one. Dumb Elmer for president. It's gotta be the funniest thing that ever happened. It'll be funnier when he wins. Yeah, we'll prove that a boy don't know nothing's better than the smartest girl. We can't lose. With the two girls running, they'll split the girls' votes, then all the boys will vote for Elmer. That's right. That's good. Flip. No. You misspelled it. Kids won't care. Well, I do. Hey, everybody. Let me see. You got a hundred on arithmetic test. You got a zero on arithmetic test. No. Uh... Your sister Mary got nominated for class president. You peeped. No, I didn't. I saw Nell's in the mercantile. He told me. Congratulations, Madam President. Thanks, but I think you should say the congratulations for Nellie. Nope. I'm gonna manage your campaign. She's gonna win. I vote for Mary. There, you see? I guarantee you, Carrie's not the only one who's gonna vote for you. No, the girls will after they go to Nellie's party. What party's that? Nellie invited all the girls to her house except us for ice cream and cake tomorrow. Well, I'll tell you, just fight fire with fire. Have a party of your own. That's just what we're going to do next Saturday. Two days before the election. Good. We'll have roast de neers and popcorn. And some cider. How's that sound, huh? There. All finished. How's it look? Let me take a look here. Mmm. I couldn't have done a better job myself. You see that, Mom? Charles, I didn't think you'd encourage the girls to put up signs like that. Just like the election ones in the paper. Yeah, but your mother's right. I'll tell you what you do. Just make Nellie's curls a lot longer and give her some licorice whips. Ha, ha, ha. Easy now. Easy. There we go. It's all right. Nothing hurt you. See? His neck's almost better, Pa. I can see that. Do you think if I put him back with the other chickens, they'll do it again? Well, they just might. Why? It's not just one chicken, but it's the whole flock of pecking at him. That's their nature. Plain wicked. Hey, they almost pecked his eye out. Fine now. The neck's all healed, too. How's that, uh, sick squirrel of yours doing? Good. His leg's almost like new. He even eats out of my hand. Yeah. It's time you came in and got washed up. Supper's almost ready. All right. I gotta feed my rabbit first, but I'll hurry. I'm all surprised I got nominated. Not more than I was. Who was it put your name in? Joel and Kenny. They said they'd help me get elected, too. I thought you was having trouble with those two boys. Didn't they trip you, tear your pants or something? Well, they didn't mean no harm. Happened more than once, didn't it? That other time I tore my shirt on a bush. I see. Well, it's time you gotta move on, young fella. Supper will be waiting. Potatoes aren't quite done. That's just as well. He's gotta feed his rabbits. Shoulda had that done by now, but he was sitting out there petting that little chick. He takes good care of it. If he had his way, that whole barn would be full of sick strays. You know, I was right about that nomination. It was the Bagby and Turner boys that put him up to it. I hope you told him not to count on winning. Not yet. You know, kids are like chickens. Somebody different, like Elmer, slow thinker, can't keep up with the others. They set out to peck him to pieces. Does he know? No, of course he knows. He's slow, Ellen, but he's not stupid. Doesn't seem to bother him. Well, it doesn't bother him that he's two years behind the other kids his age, either. We kept him out of school. Yeah, because of what the kids and that Springfield teacher did to him. Boy, he doesn't take the books. There's no reason to hold him up to shame. Might have been a mistake to put him in school here, too. He wants to go, Sam. Yeah, like a little chicken wants to run with the flock and get pecked to death. I brought you something. I don't want it. Yes, you do. It's something you've been wanting for a long time. No, I ain't gonna help you. Kenny and Joel said I shouldn't vote for you, and I ain't gonna. All right. Take it anyway. Go on. Take it. Good. Best in the store. Thanks. Go ahead. Smoke it. I am. Now, you're going to help me win the election, and you're going to vote for me. Am not. You promise right now, or I'll go tell Pa I caught you smoking a cigar. But you gave it to me. You won't believe that. I'll tell him you swiped it. Now, you'll do as I say. You're going to come to my party, and you'll tell everyone to vote for me, and... Willie! Come back here! You're going to the wrong place. Nellie said the party's gonna be in the house. There's gonna be cake and punch and ice cream and games in the yard. And Nellie said not to bring a present. Just bring your vote. There's just a dozen today, huh? Yes, sir. Well, it's gonna be quite a party, isn't it? Oh, you know, they're gonna have games and punch and cookies and ice cream. Nellie's invited just, well, every girl in the school. Not quite. Laura. Well, you are going, aren't you? No, sir. But you were invited. No, sir. I think Nellie forgot. I'll see to that. You are invited as of right now. Thank you. But... But we have chores. On Saturday? Uh... Yes. Thanks just the same. Hi. Hi. Hi. Bunch of girls over there. Bossy Nellie Tweeds at it again. Who? Oh, that's Laura's joke. Boss Tweed was a New York politician. Oh. I guess I don't know about him. He got put in jail for stealing votes. And that's what Nellie's doing. Laura. She's just having a party. Uh, how come you aren't over there? Because she knows we're not gonna vote for her. But she doesn't know that Mary's gonna win. Well, I hope you do. Well, you have a good chance too, Elmer. Nah. Kenny and Joel are always doing things like that. Nobody will pay any mind. Wouldn't be too sure. You could vote for yourself. One vote wouldn't mean much. Well, we gotta go. See you in school. Bye. Bye. Elmer's pretty sure his squirrel's gonna have youngins. Figures. Precious seeds going up again. Sam, is that your way of saying we can't afford to feed a few baby squirrels? I didn't say that. I didn't mean that. He sets great store by his animals. That he does. He gets along better with them than he does with people. It's not as bad as it was in Springfield. Yeah. I've got some doubts about that, Elmer. We both have. So's Elmer. He doesn't expect to come anywhere close to winning. He did ask me to fix him a shirt for Election Day. Yeah, you thought that you were gonna take one of my old ones and cut it down to size. But you're making him a brand new one, aren't you? At least I could do. Yeah, at the very least. Hey, darling, thank you. What was coming to this party of yours? All the kids in the school, except Nellie and Willie. Ah, turnabout's fair play, huh? Nellie had her party to get votes, now it's Mary's turn. That's exactly right. Well, if I remember my school days correctly, I'm afraid that these two parties are just gonna win the election for Elmer. Oh, no, Pop. Well, sure. They got two girls running. The girls are gonna vote for the girls. That'll split their vote, and all the boys will vote for Elmer. And he'll win. That's why Jim nominated me. I thought he was being nice. What do we do now, Pop? Well... I'm afraid there's not much you can do. Just be as nice as you can to the voters, shake a lot of hands, pray for a miracle. Hi, somebody's coming. Hi. I brought some roastineers. Pa said I oughta, because you folks don't know how much I eat. It wouldn't matter. We got plenty. Yeah, all these and more roasting in the house. You expecting lots of kids, huh? Yeah, quite a few, I guess. Something I oughta tell you. A bunch of girls coming out here ahead of me. Well, they rounded the corner, and Nellie and Willie are sitting there with a box full of... Candy! She's buying votes again. She sure makes it easy. The kids just stay with Nellie and the candy, huh? She was promising cake and stuff at her house. All the kids aren't gonna vote for her. I heard some of them say so. I hope they all get sick. I guess you're not gonna have any party, huh? Sure we will. We don't need them. We'll have a party of our own. Oh, good. I can eat a whole bunch. Sure. Come on, Elmo. I'll race you to the house. Oh, no. Election's just another word for a shouting match. Candidates will say anything and get elected. That make you promises and job offers and more promises. In the last federal election, Sam Tilden thought he was gonna be president. All he needed was one more electoral vote to win it all. They sent soldiers, didn't they? That's right, Donald. Federal troops, just to get an honest count. When it was all over, Rutherford B. Hayes was the new president. If Nellie's counting, we could use some troops. I think Miss Beadle can handle it all right. We're supposed to campaign this week, but I don't know what to say. Well, what do you want to do to improve the school? Have four recesses. That's plain silly. I'd vote for it. Well, I'm afraid the school board wouldn't go for it. Do the candidates keep all the promises that they make? Well, a few, but not very many. Isn't that kind of lying? Making promises you don't keep? Well, it's not kind of like lying, Sweetheart. It's just plain old lying, no doubt about it. Don't the candidates call each other names? Most of the time. I could think of some good names for Nellie Olsen. Now, come on. That just makes you enemies, not friends. I think you two ought to get yourselves to bed now, too. It's getting late. I think I'll just list the things I think will make the school better and make my speech. That's a good idea. And don't give up. Remember, Hayes won by just one vote. Okay. Good night. Have a good sleep. Thanks for the help. I love you. Good night, Pa. Pa? You know what would help more than anything? If Olsen's mercantile ran clear out of candy. Go on. Get yourself to bed. Good night, Pa. Good night, darling. Gotta get yourself that stump over there. Hop up on it. Tell everyone to vote for you. No. Come on. We said we were going to help you win the election. We're going to do it. Right this way, Mr. Candidate. Come on, everybody. Look at this show. Watch this. Tell them, Mr. Candidate. Yeah, tell them what you'll do to get their vote. We eat worms? One worm for every vote. He did it before, and he'll do it again. Stand on his head, too. Come on, Omer. Show him. All right. Up you come. You know what else he'll do? Vote for Omer here, and he'll come running when you whistle. He'll scratch your back or tie your shoe. Or he'll do your problems. You'll get a zero, like he does, but he'll still do them. That won't be quite enough. What are you doing? Just campaigning for you. That kind of campaigning we can do without. And if I hear one more word out of either one of you, you're going to stay after school. All right. Recess is over. Sam. I didn't hear you come in. That's a good-looking shirt. Election Day tomorrow. Figured he ought to look his best. Where is he? Feeding his animals. The six strays. Yeah. Miss Beadle. Fellow opponents and classmates. I... Miss Beadle. Fellow opponents. Classmates. I'm very proud to be nominated. I hope... Practicing, huh? Yeah. Trying. Hmm. Before you do any more speech-making, we've got to have a little talk. Now, what were those two boys doing to you today in the schoolyard? Hmm? Oh, they was just making jokes. Ah, your friends. Two that were going to help you get elected. Yeah. Well, I heard the part about you eating worms and enough more to know that they're not your friends. They didn't mean no harm. That's your idea. Mine's different. Now, somebody fed you worms. Now, who was it? Now, tell me, son. You're not going to get in any trouble unless you lie. Well, it was Joel. Yeah, that's what I thought. You know, they didn't nominate you because they thought you could get elected. They're just picking on you. The way that... The way that whole flock pecks at that little chicken. I'm going to talk to their parents in the morning. Pa, please. Please don't. It'll just make things worse. How could it be worse? Please. It just will. All right. But you're going to tell Miss Beadle that you're not running for anything now or ever. You got that? Yes, sir. There. Looks real nice if I do say it myself. That's a good-looking shirt. I didn't even know you were making it. Little enough. Who couldn't have you wearing an old shirt on election day? Yeah, Ma. You remember what I told you? Yes, sir. And what was that about? Talk we had in the barn. We got to do that test for Miss Beadle. Yeah, I know. If there'd been a bird on that branch, I'd have killed him dead. You'd have missed him. Same as always. Look who's over there. Let's go. Hiya, Elmer. Elmer, you look mighty fancy for your speech today. I ain't making any speeches. And I ain't going to be in the election. Are you mad because we was funning you some? A little. My pa was mad. He was riding by and he saw it. You told him he was only joking, didn't you? I told him. But if you don't run, we ain't got a candidate. Find somebody else. We can't. It's too late. You can eat worms at recess. You can tell Miss Beadle you want to run. You know something? Let me tell pretty good jokes yourself. Come on, Elmer. We got to get you elected. Not me. You don't want a girl for president, do you? I don't care. All right. If you don't want to be president, that's fine with us. Sure is. We're your friends. Yeah, we're your friends. We understand. You do? Sure. That's what friends are for. Come on. We'll walk together. Hey, Elmer. Seen the new piglet, the Stinson's? Uh-uh. Cute as can be. One of them's got a bad leg, though. Think so? Maybe write a check on the way to school. All right. Well, what do you think? I don't see any of them with a bad leg. Take a closer look. Oh, boy, look at him. Look at him. Don't be late for school. Nomination. If elected, I'll do my best to make our school a better one. My pa says campaign promises aren't worth much, so I won't make any. If you do vote for me, I'll appreciate it. Thank you. Nellie, I believe your name. Miss Beadle. Classmates. Fellow Americans. It is my pleasure and honor to stand before you today as candidate to be your president. There are many reasons why you should vote for me. First, since my mother's a member of the school board. And finally, you should vote for me because my mother will give a party if I win. Cake and ice cream, all you can eat. And everyone who votes for me is invited. Thank you. It's nothing. I slipped and fell. Did the other boys have something to do with this? I can't say. Elmer, look. I want you to go home, clean up. You can come back and make your speech. We'll vote this afternoon. It's all right, Miss Beadle. I'm not running for nothing. My pa don't want me to. Besides, me running for class president, we all know that's a joke. Class! Go ahead and laugh. I know I'm not smart like you. I don't even know what a class president's supposed to do. But I know what's right and wrong. It ain't right for big kids to be picking on little kids just because they think it's fun to hurt somebody. And it ain't right to give someone something to make them vote for you just because some folks got more money than others. It ain't right to make fun of people, push them in the mud to make them look silly. And my mother made me this shirt because she loves me. You probably all think that's dumb. But that's what's wrong around here. People don't pay no mind to other people's carings. I hope whoever gets to be class president sees to it that the little kids aren't picked on or hurt because it's not right. It's just not right. Thank you, Elmer. Mary, the speech-making is over. I don't want to make a speech, Miss Beadle. I want to withdraw from the election. I don't want anyone to vote for me. The best president this class could have is Elmer Dobkins. You're not supposed to run. But you have to. Because you're the only one that really knows what a president should do. I know your pot, understand. Please, Elmer. Will you run? I think it's time to vote. Elmer Dobkins. Well, it looks like we have a two-way tie. Can't be. We're supposed to have 25 votes. That's right. Well, I have to wait. My brother went to the outhouse. Willie, you didn't vote. No, ma'am. Well, would you mind? We're waiting. Because you're always picking on me. That's why. And Elmer won't let you. Woo! Take it easy. Tell me why. Elmer won. He should have. He made the finest speech ever. Elmer? Even with all the candy notes his mercantile Nellie couldn't beat him. See you later, Elmer. Yeah. Excuse me. Congratulations, Mr. President. Piss off.